I Was in the Neighborhood--Haria
Hanna hadn’t left her bed in two days. Ever since she had run over Rollins with her car, she’d buried herself under the covers, away from the reality of what she’d done and the terrifying possibility that he was still alive. Emily had been in and out of the loft, checking in on Hanna every chance she got, but she had a job and classes which meant Hanna ended up being alone most of the time. Which, she was perfectly fine with. She didn’t want to be around other people. She didn’t want them to see her and know how broken she was.
Regret and shame filled Hanna’s every waking moment. Pain and fear filled her sleep. She hated herself for kissing Caleb in that room at The Lost Woods Resort. She hated herself for kissing another woman’s boyfriend. Not just any woman, her best friend. She hated herself for cheating on her fiancé, and she hated herself for breaking up with him without explanation. He deserved better, Spencer deserved better, Caleb deserved better, everyone deserved better than her. The memory of Spencer sobbing at the door while Caleb begged her to let him in haunted her constantly.
There was a knock at the door, but Hanna made no move to open it. Emily and Lucas both had keys and could let themselves in, and she didn’t want to see anyone else. Eventually they would get the message that she just wanted to be left alone.
“Hanna, I know you’re in there!” Aria’s loud voice came from outside the door. Hanna pulled the spare pillow over her head, trying to drown out her voice. Out of all the people she didn’t want to see, she wanted to see Aria the least. It wasn’t the small brunette’s fault, not really. But it just so happened that she was the one who had spotted the evidence of what Hanna had been though during those terrible twenty-four hours, and Hanna couldn’t stand the look of guilt in her eyes.
“Hanna, if you don’t let me in I swear I will break this door down!” Aria yelled. Still, Hanna made no move to get up. Aria was probably one hundred pounds soaking wet. The idea of her trying to knock down the door would have been funny if Hanna could remember how to laugh. A few seconds later she heard a key turn in the lock.
“What are you doing here?” she spat out as Aria walked into the bedroom. The brunette shrugged and sat down on the edge of the bed.
“I was in the neighborhood,” she said casually. Hanna raised an eyebrow in disbelief.
“Really? And I suppose you just happened to have a key?” she asked. Another shrug.
“Emily gave it to me. She’s spending the night at Sabrina’s and she wanted to make sure you weren’t alone,” she explained. Hanna rolled her eyes.
“I don’t need to be babysat,” she said. Aria looked at her, concern written over her face.
“No one said you did. But you’ve been alone all day, and Emily thought you might like some company,” she said.
“I haven’t been alone all day. Emily just left a couple of hours ago,” she said. Aria’s concern grew.
“Han, it’s almost eight o’clock. Emily said she left at ten this morning,” Aria said slowly. Hanna frowned.
“Oh. I guess I lost track of time,” she said.
“When’s the last time you left this bed? Have you eaten today?” Aria asked. Hanna shrugged, not having answers to Aria’s questions. Or, at least not answers she would like. Aria sighed heavily.
“Get up. I brought food from the Grill with me, and I’m not eating alone,” she said forcefully, grabbing Hanna’s hand and dragging her into the kitchen.
“In the neighborhood my ass,” Hanna grumbled as Aria set a turkey sandwich with fries in front of her. Aria didn’t look the slightest bit guilty about her lie.
“Well I wasn’t about to let you starve. Emily said you haven’t been eating,” she said. Hanna rolled her eyes in annoyance.
“She doesn’t need to be so paranoid. I’m fine. I’m a grown ass woman and I can take care of myself,” she grumbled. Aria raised an eyebrow.
“You’re not acting like it,” she accused. Hanna frowned.
“What do you mean by that?” she asked. Aria shrugged. She didn’t want to upset her friend; she just wanted her to see that everything wasn’t okay.
“I mean you haven’t left this apartment in days,” she pointed out.
“He’s still out there, Aria. And now I tried to kill him!” she exclaimed, fear seeping into her voice. Aria shook her head.
“Han, he’s dead. We buried him. And besides, this started before that. What happened that night? The night he had you,” she clarified. Hanna refused to look at her, instead picking at her French fries. They were cold, but she didn’t care.
“I saw what he did to you, Han. But there’s something more than that. He didn’t just hurt you physically. It’s like he broke something in you,” Aria said. Hanna swallowed heavily, wishing she could find the strength to kick Aria out of the loft.
“So what if he did? The damage is done. Why can’t you guys just let me handle it?” she asked desperately. Aria reached across the table to gently take Hanna’s hand in her own.
“Because I don’t think you are handling it. I think you’re scared, and hurt, and you need someone in your corner. You need people. Especially now. When… when I killed Shana… I never would have gotten through that without you guys,” she admitted. Hanna squeezed her eyes shut.
“That was different. That was self defense,” she said. Aria’s eyebrows furrowed.
“But this was an accident. He came out of nowhere. You didn’t have time to stop,” she said. Hanna looked up at her, eyes filled with tears.
“Didn’t I? Or did I just not want to stop? There’s a part of me… There’s a part of me that is glad he’s dead,” she whispered, horrified by her own words.
“After what he did to you? And what he did to Ali? Han, he had her tied up to the bed, muzzled like an animal. We’re all glad he’s dead,” she said. Hanna shook her head.
“But you aren’t the one who hit him. I’m the one who will go to jail if we can’t pull this off. I’m the one he’s going to kill if he’s still alive,” she pointed out. Aria sighed.
“He’s dead, Hanna. I promise. He is dead. And we all buried him, so we’re all going to jail if the police find out. But they won’t. Nobody’s going to jail and nobody’s getting hurt. Okay?”
Hanna nodded, still not convinced. She’d heard his voice on the phone, threatening her. She knew it had been him.
“Emily told me and Spencer about the call. It was just a cruel trick, Han,” Aria tried to reassure her. Hanna stared at her.
“Isn’t that just as bad? If it isn’t him, then that means someone else knows!” she exclaimed in frustration, not understanding how Aria wasn’t grasping the direness of the situation.
“It’s probably Mary or Jenna. And they can’t go to the police without all of the information about what they did coming out,” she reasoned. Hanna shook her head.
“We don’t have any evidence. Sure, Emily saw Mary and Rollins arguing. Big deal. She didn’t approve of his treatment of Alison. And we can’t exactly prove that Mary was pretending to be Jessica to make Alison think she was crazy. And we only know that Jenna knew who Rollins really was because we broke into his car. After killing him,” she emphasized. Aria sighed, knowing Hanna had a point.
“If they haven’t gone to the police yet, they aren’t going to,” she protested. Hanna didn’t respond. She knew that Aria knew her argument was weak. She didn’t need Hanna to tell her that.
“Let’s just deal with that if it happens. Which it won’t,” she said. Hanna nodded halfheartedly, fiddling with the ring on her finger.
“Hey, Hanna? Can I ask you something?” Aria asked. Hanna nodded.
“Why isn’t Jordan here?” she asked softly. Hanna looked up in surprise.
“I know you didn’t want to tell him about being kidnapped, and I’m sure you don’t want him to know about Rollins, but you still could have asked him to stay for a while. Why haven’t you?” Aria continued. Hanna sighed, deciding to tell the truth. She slipped the ring off her finger.
“Because this is a forty dollar knock-off ring,” she said. Aria frowned.
“He’s not here because he bought you a fake ring?” she asked in confusion. Hanna snorted.
“No, he’s not here because I gave him back his ring and then bought a fake one so I wouldn’t have to tell anyone what happened,” she explained.
“Oh, Han… I’m so sorry,” Aria said, reaching for Hanna’s hand again. Hanna let her.
“It’s okay. He deserves someone who doesn’t have to keep secrets from him,” she said.
“Why didn’t you want anyone to know?” Aria asked. Hanna shrugged.
“I don’t know. It seemed easier to pretend everything was okay than to tell anyone the truth. What would I tell my mom? She doesn’t know about any of this,” she said.
“Were you hiding from Spencer a little too?” Aria asked softly. Hanna looked at her, confused.
“She told you?” she asked in surprise. Aria nodded.
“Yeah. She told me,” she confirmed. Hanna sighed.
“I guess I was hiding from Spencer too. But not because this has anything to do with Caleb, because it doesn’t. I don’t want to get back together with him, and I didn’t want her to think I did,” she explained. Aria nodded in understanding.
“I get it. You should tell her though,” she said.
“I doubt she even wants to talk to me right now,” Hanna said sadly. Aria frowned.
“What do you mean? Of course she wants to talk to you,” she said.
“She’s so mad at me,” Hanna said quietly. Aria’s frown deepened.
“Han, she was mad the other night, but she’s over it. She’s worried about you. We’re all worried about you,” she added. Hanna rubbed her eyes tiredly, feeling guilty all over again. She’d been trying to protect her friends from the walking disaster she felt she was, but it seemed she’d only succeeded in worrying them. Which confirmed what she’d believed from the beginning, that she only made their lives harder.
“Come to brunch with us tomorrow,” Aria said. Hanna shook her head.
“I can’t,” she said automatically. Aria tilted her head.
“Have plans?” she asked sarcastically, feeling guilty when Hanna’s face fell.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. But seriously, come with us. Please. Spencer really does want to see you, but she’s afraid to come over,” Aria said. Hanna made a face.
“Why is she afraid?” she asked. Aria shrugged.
“Because she’s Spencer. She thinks you hate her for dating Caleb,” she explained. Hanna sighed in frustration.
“How many times do I have to say this? I don’t care if she’s dating Caleb! I made a mistake that night, kissing him. I don’t want to get back together with him!” she exclaimed, tears springing to her eyes. She hated this, hated the misunderstanding and the confusion.
“So tell her that!” Aria shot back, entirely frustrated with the situation. She just wanted her friends back. Hanna was quiet for several long minutes.
“If you’re going to stay here, can we please just talk about something else?” she implored. Aria thought for a few seconds.
“I broke up with Ezra,” she said. Hanna’s eyebrows shot up.
“What? I thought you just dumped Liam for him?” she asked in confusion. She knew that she’d been pretty out of it, but how much had she missed? Aria nodded.
“I did. But then I realized that I haven’t really been single, well, ever. I went from dating Ezra to dating Jake to dating Ezra to dating Jason to dating Liam to dating Ezra again—”
“Jason DiLaurentis?” Hanna shrieked. Aria blushed, remembering that she hadn’t told any of her friends about that.
“Oh, uh, yeah. But anyway, I realized that maybe it would be good for me to focus on me for a while, you know?” she asked. Hanna nodded impatiently.
“Yeah, yeah, now go back to the Jason thing,” she ordered. Aria smiled and began to tell her friend about the short relationship she’d had with Alison’s brother.
Several hours later, the two women were asleep on the couch, having talked themselves to exhaustion. And the next morning, Hanna agreed to go to brunch. She was still broken, but maybe her friends could help put her back together.