I'm Sorry, I Didn't Mean To--Haria
It was beginning to look like the entire trip out to the Amish community was a bust. No one would talk to them, there was no sign of Rollins anywhere, and they’d spent $100 trying to get people to talk. And still, the two women had learned absolutely nothing. Until a little girl beckoned Hanna into a barn. The blonde followed, unsure of what she might find.
"You're pretty," the girl said. Hanna smiled.
"You're pretty too," she replied. The girl smiled at her, and Hanna was pretty sure she was going to get information from her when Aria burst in. Hanna glared at her girlfriend, though it wasn't her fault.
“What’s your name, sweetie?” Hanna asked, trying to build a rapport with the girl.
“Eliza. But I’m not supposed to tell strangers,” she said seriously. Aria raised an eyebrow.
“Well… We’re not strangers. We’re… friends,” she said. Eliza nodded and pulled something out from under a pile of hay.
"These are my dolls. Do you like dolls?" Eliza asked. Aria and Hanna shared a look. They hated dolls with a passion, but that didn’t mean they wanted to steal a source of this girl’s happiness.
"Um, I had lots of dolls when I was younger," Hanna said honestly.
"Most of my dolls are boring. But not these. They’re pretty. This one's my favorite. Her name is Alison," she said, holding up a doll with blonde hair. Hanna's heart quickened but she forced herself to stay calm. Alison was a common enough name, and the girl probably liked this doll because they had the same hair color.
"Why's she your favorite?" Hanna asked, trying to keep her voice from shaking. It didn’t work, but Eliza didn’t seem to notice her fear.
"She looks like Charlotte. Don't tell my dad! He’ll take them away and Charlotte will be mad. Charlotte gave me her dolls and asked me to take care of them," she explained. Hanna heard Aria asking the girl a question, but she couldn't hear it over the blood rushing to her head. Before she knew what was happening, Aria was tugging on her hand, pulling her out of the barn.
"How much better could Charlotte have gotten if she was still naming dolls after us?" Aria asked.
"Not much, I'm guessing," Hanna said, disgust dripping from her voice. Suddenly she froze, her eyes falling on something.
"No please no don't."
"Please! Please don't, please!"
"Han? Baby, what's wrong?" Aria asked in concern, putting a hand on her girlfriend’s arm. She was relieved when Hanna didn’t shake her off, as she had been doing the last couple of days.
"That's what he used on me," Hanna whispered, staring at the object. Aria frowned and followed her line of sight. Her breath caught in her throat.
"A cattle prod? Oh my god, Hanna," she said, thinking about the burns she'd seen on her girlfriend's body. The blonde had refused to talk about how she’d gotten them. Hanna shook her head.
"It's fine," she said.
"It's not fine. Elliot will pay for what he did to you, Hanna. I promise," she said seriously. Hanna shook her head again, trying to shake the memories too.
"Ali's the one we should be worrying about," she said. Aria sighed.
"Come on. Let's just get out of here," she suggested, reaching for Hanna's hand. To her continued relief, Hanna didn't pull away.
The girls were halfway home when Aria decided to broach the topic of what had happened at the farm.
“Have you been having a lot of flashbacks?” she asked softly. Hanna didn’t look at her, and Aria wondered if she was making a mistake by bringing this up. But every time she’d tried to talk about it, Hanna walked away. Right now they were in the car and she couldn’t run. It might be Aria’s only chance to question her.
"Baby, are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Aria asked when it was clear Hanna was ignoring her previous question. Hanna turned to glare at her.
"I already told you I don't," she replied in a tight voice. Aria sighed.
"I know, but maybe if you don't want to talk to me, you could talk to Spencer or Emily," she suggested, trying not to feel hurt that her girlfriend might prefer to talk to someone else. Hanna's grip tightened on the steering wheel, but she didn’t say anything.
"Or maybe you should make an appointment with Dr. Sullivan. I could come with you, if you want. I know she's helped you in the past."
"Aria! Don’t you get it? I want to forget the hell I went through, not relive it! And you're just making it worse!" Hanna yelled, tears threatening to spill over. Aria's face fell. For a moment she was stunned into silence.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to," she apologized quietly when she regained her voice. Hanna sighed, feeling guilty at upsetting her girlfriend.
"I know. I know you're just trying to help," she said softly. She knew that if the situations were reversed, she would be pushing Aria, but she couldn't do it. She couldn't talk about it. Not yet, maybe not ever.
“But I’m not. I’m just making it worse,” Aria repeated, unintentionally throwing the words back at her girlfriend. Hanna sighed, regretting her choice of words. They were true, but she hadn’t wanted to hurt Aria’s feelings. She reached over and moved Aria's hand so it was resting on her thigh.
"You being here helps, okay?" she said softly. Aria nodded and rubbed Hanna's thigh.
"I'm not going anywhere."