Come Here, Let Me Fix It--Spanna
Hanna stepped out of the bathroom, pulling the robe closer around her body. Despite running the water hot enough that it nearly burned her skin, she felt cold.
“How does it feel to be clean?” Emily asked, trying to sound optimistic. Hanna shrugged.
“I wouldn’t know,” she said flatly. Emily’s face fell.
“Oh. Well, I’m going to go to work. Call me later, Spence,” she said. Spencer nodded, and Emily walked out the door, leaving the two women alone. Despite living together, it was the first time they’d been alone together when one of them wasn’t asleep, or pretending to be.
“I could help with that,” Hanna offered, watching Spencer scrub the floor. The brunette glanced over.
“I’ve got it,” she said dismissively. Hanna sighed.
“Spence, please can we try to move past this?” she asked pleadingly. Spencer threw a dirty paper towel into the trash can.
“How can we just move past this? How am I supposed to move past the fact that my girlfriend kissed her ex-boyfriend?” she asked angrily. Hanna looked down at her lap, shame coloring her face.
“I didn’t mean to...” she whispered.
“What, you just accidently smashed your lips together?” Spencer asked sarcastically.
“I was scared, Spence! I was scared, and he was there, and he kissed me! But it didn’t mean anything, I swear!”
Spencer rolled her eyes angrily.
“You were scared and he was there. Maybe you should be with him if he’s the one you turn to for comfort,” she snapped.
“I don’t want to be with him! I want to be with you!” Hanna exclaimed.
“You have a funny way of showing it,” Spencer retorted. Angry tears filled Hanna’s eyes.
“Every single second I was in that place, I was thinking about you. I wasn’t thinking about the pain, or how afraid I was, or anything else besides you. And how much I regretted that the last person I kissed before I died would be Caleb. If I could go back and change that night, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would push him away, slap him, yell at him, whatever. But I can’t go back. So I need to know if you’re going to go forward with me,” she said, swallowing heavily.
Spencer sat back on her heels. This was the most Hanna had talked about what had happened to her in that place.
“Why was he even the one there? I would have been right there next to you, but you wouldn’t let me,” Spencer said in a whisper. Hanna sighed.
“Because I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know if our plan would work, or if AD would manage to get in anyway and kill me on the spot. But I did know that if you were there, if you were in that room, you never would have left me alone. Am I wrong?” she asked softly. Spencer didn’t respond.
“Am I wrong?” Hanna repeated. Spencer groaned and threw her cleaning supplies to the side.
“Of course you’re not wrong! I never should have agreed to that plan! It was terrible from the beginning, and look where it left us! I should have been there!” she cried, hunching over as sobs overtook her body.
“That’s what you’re really mad about, isn’t it? You’re not mad that Caleb kissed me, you’re mad that you weren’t there,” Hanna murmured to herself.
“I should have been there. I should have protected you!”
Hanna walked over to her girlfriend and tried to put a hand on her shoulder, but Spencer flinched away. Hanna stepped back, hurt.
“It wasn’t your fault, Spence. What happened to me… It wasn’t your fault,” Hanna said softly, feeling guilty. She’d been so wrapped up in her own pain, she hadn’t realized how much Spencer had been hurting.
“I don’t blame you,” she whispered.
“You should,” Spencer said, biting back a sob.
“It wasn’t your fault. And you couldn’t have stopped me. Once I came up with the idea, I wasn’t going to stop. I wanted to end this so we could get back to our lives. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I need to finish cleaning the floor,” Spencer said, swiping her hand across her face. Hanna sighed.
“Your dress is ripped,” she said, pointing to a burst seam.
“Damn it. I love this dress,” Spencer said, feeling irrational tears popping into her eyes. Hanna rolled her eyes.
“Come here. Let me fix it,” she said. Spencer shook her head.
“It’s fine. I’ll deal with it later,” she said. Hanna sighed again.
“Spencer, take off the dress,” she ordered before disappearing into the bedroom. When she returned a second later with a t-shirt and her sewing kit, she was pleasantly surprised to find Spencer sitting on the couch, the dress held up to her chest.
“I’m not wearing a bra,” she muttered.
“I know. That’s why I brought this,” Hanna said, handing her the t-shirt. Spencer accepted it, and pulled it over her head.
“It’s just a little tear at the seams. Easy peasy,” Hanna commented, threading a needle. Spencer watched in fascination as her girlfriend made quick work of the rip. In less than five minutes, she had the dress looking good as new, save for the mud it was covered with.
“There. Fixed,” she said, handing the dress back to Spencer.
“Thanks,” Spencer said softly. The blonde gave her a small smile.
“You have no idea how many rips I’ve sewn for Claudia,” she said. The two fell into a silence that wasn’t quite as uncomfortable as before.
“I really am sorry, Spence,” Hanna said a few minutes later. Spencer nodded.
“I know. And I’m sorry too. For everything,” she said. Hanna bit her tongue, resisting the urge to tell Spencer she didn’t have anything to apologize for.
“I should finish cleaning the floor,” Spencer said finally, moving away from the couch. Hanna reached out to grab her wrist, and was relieved when Spencer didn’t pull away.
“Can I help?” she asked. Spencer gave a quick nod, and the two quickly finished cleaning the mud off of the floor. Once they finished, Hanna risked kissing Spencer.
“What happened wasn’t your fault. You saved me, Spence,” she said gently. Spencer wrapped her arms around her girlfriend.
“Come to bed with me,” was all the brunette said in response.