Erin goes out to the bar with a clear purpose in mind: to forget. She wants to drink, and flirt, and maybe even go home with someone all because she wants to get a certain blonde nuclear engineer out of her head.
It works, kind of. She goes back to the apartment of a man whose name is James or John or something with a J and she tries not to think about who else’s name starts with a J. The next morning, he kicks her out as soon as she wakes up, and when she walks back to her own apartment it’s not even a walk of shame, it’s a walk of sadness.
Weeks later she’s all but forgotten the encounter, because it was a mistake. She only remembers when she’s pencilling an appointment into her day planner one night and she sees her neat writing that says her menstrual cycle was supposed to start a few days prior. She flips back to the last one and counts, to make sure she wrote it in correctly. It’s never late. It’s as punctual and predictable as she is. She decides to give it over night. The next morning, it still hasn’t come, and she goes to work with panic muddling her brain. She doesn’t even react when Holtzmann flirts with her, because she’s in another world.
Just before lunch she can’t take it anymore, and she pops out to the drugstore down the block and returns with a pregnancy test swinging in a plastic bag. Everyone is too entranced in their work to notice. When she goes upstairs to use the second-floor bathroom, Holtzmann is busy in the corner and doesn’t see her.
Their lunch arrives, and everyone but Erin gathers to eat.
“Food’s here, Erin!” Abby calls. There’s no answer.
“I’ll go find her,” Holtz volunteers. She bounds up the stairs and spots the closed bathroom door. She strides over and knocks. “Eeerrrrin. Come getcha food!” Silence. She can hear a noise. She knocks again, louder. “Erin? You in there? What’s going on?”
There’s still no answer. Holtz swears under her breath, having flashbacks to Abby being possessed while in the bathroom. In one swift motion, she pulls a bobby pin from her hair and uses it to pick the lock. She bursts in, fearing the worst, but she’s not expecting to see Erin on the floor, quietly sobbing. In a flash she’s at her side, sinking down beside her, throwing an arm around her shoulder. She’s about to ask what’s wrong when she sees the unmistakable piece of plastic on the floor in front of Erin. Holtz picks it up gingerly and examines the tiny plus sign. She drops it back onto the floor and wraps her other arm around Erin, hugging her tightly. She can tell they aren’t happy tears.
“Are you…seeing someone?” Holtz says quietly, and the thought makes her heart ache, but it’s better than the alternative. Because if some guy let this happen and he’s not even with Erin, then Holtz is going to hunt him down and make him pay. Erin shakes her head against Holtz’ chest, and starts crying even harder. Holtz holds her a little tighter and rocks her back and forth. “Want me to blow up the stick so you don’t have to look at it any more? Better yet, want me to blow up whoever did this to you? Just say the words. I can make it happen.”
That gets a little hiccupy laugh from Erin. Her sobs subside into gentler tears. “You should go home. Take the rest of the day off,” Holtz suggests. Erin doesn’t fight it. Holtz helps blot down her face with cold damp paper towel until it doesn’t look like Erin’s been crying.
“Abby and Patty can’t know. Until I know what I’m going to do,” Erin says, and Holtz just nods.
She helps her walk down the stairs. “Erin’s sick,” she says before Abby or Patty say anything.
“Girl, you look terrible,” Patty says as Holtz helps Erin into her coat.
“Thanks, Patty,” Erin says, her voice quiet and shaky.
“Go home and sleep it off. The rest of us absolutely cannot catch whatever you have,” says Abby.
Holtz makes sure Erin gets into a cab safely and watches as it drives away. She stands there, fidgeting with her hands, until it’s out of sight. Then she heads back inside. She takes her lunch and heads upstairs. She doesn’t feel like doing anything, so she spends the rest of the day seeing how many crumpled pieces of paper she can land in the trash can.
She does, however, retrieve the pregnancy test from the bathroom and holds a blowtorch to it until it shrivels and melts into an unidentifiable molten mess.
***
Erin doesn’t come to work the next day. Holtzmann spends another day staring at the wall and wishing she didn’t feel so hopeless. If Erin’s booked an appointment, Holtz wants to be there to hold Erin’s hand. Nobody should have to go through that alone. She decides that she’ll phone tomorrow if Erin doesn’t come.
She does, though. She shows up in an oversized hoodie with dark circles under her eyes. Holtzmann, slumped in her chair absentmindedly wrapping a wire tight around her finger to watch the circulation cut off, perks up when she hears Erin’s voice downstairs. She drops her distraction and listens to Erin’s feet come up the stairs. That woman treads so lightly.
Holtz can’t help but beam when she sees Erin. “Missed you around here yesterday. There was nobody to put out my fires.” There had been no fires, but that wasn’t important. “How are you feeling?”
Erin’s eyes dart to the floor. Holtz can just make out the slight tremor in Erin’s bottom lip. She isn’t sure what that means, but according to the research she did on the internet last night, Erin wouldn’t be back at work this soon if she had terminated the pregnancy yesterday.
Holtz gestures for Erin to follow her to the back corner of the lab. She fires up one of the machines, which is the loudest thing in the room by far. They slump against the wall there, and their voices are masked.
“I can’t do it,” Erin says. She closes her eyes. “I thought I might be able to. It’s just cells. Nothing substantial. Nothing real. But even looking at the clinic’s phone number made me feel sick to my stomach.”
“It’s okay,” Holtz says, her voice soothing. She slips her arm around Erin’s waist. “It’ll be okay. Whatever happens.”
“I could give it up for adoption,” Erin says. She leans into Holtz’ touch. She’s supposed to be getting over the engineer, but her presence is comforting and Erin needs that right now.
“You could. You could make some lucky family very happy. Who wouldn’t want a baby Erin? Do they make baby-sized tweed suits?”
Erin lets out an embarrassing giggle-snort, then sobers. “I’m doing this. I’m having a baby. Oh my gosh. That’s terrifying.”
“You kick ghost-ass for a living. That’s much scarier than a tiny little baby. Babies don’t even know how to fight,” Holtz says. She drums her fingers on Erin’s side. “Besides, I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Erin turns her head so Holtz won’t see her smile.
***
Erin lays in bed that night and thinks about how she’s well past the age by which she thought she’d be married with kids. She hasn’t even been dating. The horrible encounter that got her into this mess was the first of its kind in over a year. She’s very far from the place she thought she’d be in her life. And yet, she thinks about Abby and Patty and Holtzmann, especially Holtzmann, and all that they’ve accomplished together as a family, and her hands come to rest on her stomach, and she thinks that maybe the place she’s at isn’t so bad.
Holtzmann lays in bed that night and her head spins and churns with ideas on how to fix up Erin’s gear so it’s safer for pregnancy. No more untested weapons with possible nuclear runoff, and Holtz has better start paying more attention to what she does in the lab because there will be no accidental explosions while Erin’s pregnant. There will also be no more holding radioactive ghost traps. A lighter proton pack is needed, or no pack at all, because carrying that much weight is unsafe. Maybe a handheld pistol. There’s no way it’ll hold a charge like the pack, but it could be enough for short-term busting. Erin probably shouldn’t be going on ghost calls at all, but Holtz knows that there’s no way Erin will agree to stay behind. She loves the thrill of being on a call. When they capture a ghost, Erin’s chest puffs out like she’s so proud of herself, and Holtz always wants to spew validation and praise, but she holds it back, and shows she’s proud by gifting Erin newer and better weapons to use.
So yeah, she doesn’t want Erin to stop going on calls until it’s necessary.
***
Holtzmann goes with Erin to the first doctor’s appointment, even after Erin protests. She sits in the little office and averts her eyes while Erin changes into a paper gown.
“You know, if engineering ever falls through for me, I think I’d make a great gynecologist,” Holtz says, staring at a poster of the stages of pregnancy.
“Really? Why?” Erin says. “I’m decent now, by the way.” She settles onto the crinkly paper of the examination table.
Holtz shoots a grin at her. She picks up a model of the reproductive system off the doctor’s desk. “I already know all the parts,” she says, and winks.
Erin’s face colours. “Holtzmann. Jeeze.”
Holtz cracks up. There’s a knock on the office door and the doctor enters. Holtz fumbles to return the model to the desk. The doctor shoots her a glance over her clipboard. Holtz just salutes and stretches back into her chair with her hands behind her head.
“Okay, Ms. Gilbert, let’s get started.”
“It’s Dr. Gilbert,” Holtz says.
The doctor squints at Holtz. “I see. And you are?”
“Dr. Jillian Holtzmann. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“And you’re her…wife?”
Erin snorts loudly. “She’s my friend,” she says before Holtz can try anything funny.
What she doesn’t see is how pleased Holtz looks.
After the physical examination, the doctor runs through what to expect and what Erin should and shouldn’t be doing. Holtz scribbles furious notes, because she knows Erin will be panicking just enough that she won’t remember all the details, and Holtz has the worst memory known to man.
Later, after the doctor shakes Erin’s hand and says that she’ll see her soon, they leave the office with stacks of pamphlets and a prescription for prenatal vitamins. They place the prescription at a nearby pharmacy, and they wander through the aisles while they wait for it to be filled.
“Imagine needing this,” Holtz says, holding up a box of heavy duty wart remover.
Erin crinkles her nose but smiles. “Imagine needing those,” she counters. She points to the selection of adult incontinence diapers on the other side of the aisle.
Holtz smirks. “You know, a lot of pregnant women pee themselves when the baby’s all butted up against their bladder. You just might need one of those.”
Erin shudders. “That’s a lot more information than I wanted to know right now.”
“Erin’s gonna need a diaper, Erin’s gonna need a diaper,” Holtz sings, and they laugh so hard that Erin nearly pees herself right then and there.
***
The next week, morning sickness sets in. Erin is leaning over Holtz’ worktable as the engineer shows off the new handheld proton pistol for Erin that she’s been working tirelessly on, and then abruptly it hits and she’s sprinting towards the bathroom. Holtz joins her just as she heaves into the toilet, and she pulls Erin’s hair from her face and rubs her back until she finishes and slumps onto the floor. Holtz kicks the flush lever down with her boot and moves to massage Erin’s shoulders.
Abby and Patty still don’t know. They haven’t talked about it, about why Erin hasn’t told them, but Holtz doesn’t need to know her reasoning. She respects Erin’s decision, even though they both know that the other women are going to be pissed when they find out that Erin’s been keeping it a secret. Until then, Holtz plays her radio extra loud to cover up snippets of conversation, and the sounds of Erin tossing her cookies, which becomes a morning ritual. Erin spends most of her time on the second floor, working at the desk that’s technically Holtz’, and both of them are grateful that the cleanliness (or lack thereof) of the lab irks Abby and Patty’s too scared of getting blown up to ever come up. They stay on the first floor and work, and exchange high-browed glances when Erin heads upstairs every day.
***
“Do you and Holtzmann have a secret thing going on?”
Erin nearly chokes on her soda. It’s Abby who says it. They’re seated around the table eating lunch, sans Holtz, who’s out dumpster diving for parts.
“What?”
“Are you hooking up?” Patty asks bluntly.
“No! Why would you ask that?” Erin splutters.
Abby and Patty exchange a look. “You’ve been spending a lot of time together lately,” Abby says.
“Lots of laughter coming from upstairs,” notes Patty. “Plus, you know, the flirting.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Erin says, a blush creeping across her face.
***
One day, Erin arrives at the top of the stairs and stops dead, taking in the floral couch a few feet in front of Holtz’ worktable that wasn’t there yesterday. She tries not to question where Holtz found it or how she got it up the stairs by herself, but she’s been so exhausted that the thought of doing her work while lying down is very appealing. From then on, she’s always curled up on the couch with a notebook or book in her hands, and from there she has the perfect view of Holtzmann dancing and working and inventing, and Holtz has the perfect view of Erin’s scrunched up face when she’s deep in concentration.
It turns out that pregnancy is turning Erin into even more of a hypochondriac than she was before, so she buys a second copy of What to Expect, so she has one at work and one at home. She looks up symptoms when she’s panicking. Holtz is curious, so she borrows it and reads sections of it out loud while she tinkers with inventions. Hearing Holtz’ commentary makes Erin laugh, which is Holtz’ main goal these days.
“Oh man, constipation? That’s a rough ride. Do you have constipation yet?”
“Holtz.”
“Hey, why was the constipated lady so rude?”
“She had you to deal with?”
“She didn’t give a crap!” Holtz cracks up and uses a screwdriver and a metal plate to do a ‘ba dum tss.’
“Holtz.”
“What, is your sense of humour all backed up?” Holtz says with a grin like she knows she’s about to get smacked.
“Holtzmann, I swear to gosh, if you don’t…”
Holtz doesn’t hear the end of the threat because she’s dancing away across the lab to go solder two pieces of metal with a grin on her face.
When Erin gets the baby book back, it’s covered in grease and it’s singed along the spine, but she doesn’t even mind.
***
Abby and Patty find out. It was inevitable. Erin’s sitting cross legged on the couch with her head bent over a complex equation, and Holtzmann is welding in the corner, sparks flying, when Abby’s voice comes from the top of the stairs.
“You guys sure are cozy up here. Since when do we have that couch?” she says.
Erin’s head snaps up. It’s weird to see her friend standing there. She’s gotten used to this being hers and Holtz’ space. She feels like Abby is encroaching, somehow.
“I don’t know,” Erin says.
Abby rolls her eyes. “I just came up because I was going to reread that passage about polarities in that book you showed me the other day. Is it up here?”
Erin nods. “It’s on my desk.”
Her desk is actually downstairs, but she’s almost forgotten that. Abby raises an eyebrow but walks over to the stack of books and papers that Erin has strewed on Holtz’ desk. Erin remembers what’s over there at the exact same moment that Abby finds it.
“What the fuck is this?” She pulls the copy of What to Expect out of the stack of books and stares at Erin with horror on her face. Erin scrambles to her feet, her papers falling to the floor.
Holtzmann stops welding. Within seconds she’s at Erin’s side. Erin’s mouth opens and closes, opens and closes.
“PATTY, GET UP HERE,” Abby shouts.
Patty appears and takes in the scene and the book in Abby’s hand. “Oh, hell no. Whose is that?”
“It’s MINE,” Holtz says dramatically, throwing a hand across her forehead in some weird move that’s supposed to look like she’s fainting.
Erin jabs her in the side with her elbow. “It’s mine,” she says quietly.
There’s silence, and they stare at her with disbelief. “Erin’s knocked up? Erin?” Patty says, as if there’s more of a chance of Holtzmann being pregnant like some sort of lesbian Mary.
Abby crosses the room with fire in her eyes and smacks Erin hard on the arm with the book. “You’re WHAT?” she roars.
“Hey, hey,” says Holtz, her voice testy. “Don’t hit a pregnant woman.” More like, don’t you dare hit Erin again if you value your life. She snatches the book from Abby’s hand.
“You’re pregnant,” Abby whispers. Her expression flashes from angry, to hurt, to concerned.
“Hold up. You knew, Holtzy?” Patty says.
Holtz’ face pulls back into an awkward grimace. “Leave me out of this,” she says, as if she hasn’t been more in this than she’s ever been with anything in her life. She immediately regrets saying it.
Erin looks like she’s going to cry. “I was going to tell you. Holtz only knew because she found me with the test. Please don’t be mad at me. I didn’t want to tell you until I was out of the first trimester.”
Her voice is so desperate. Holtz wants to hug her, but she always feels awkward touching Erin in front of Patty and Abby. They’re so much more observant than Erin.
“Why…why am I angry? You’re…you’re pregnant! Oh my God. You’re pregnant! This is huge!” Abby comes to her senses and throws her arms around Erin. Patty joins them in a group hug. Holtz skitters away, letting them have their moment.
She shouldn’t feel so strangely possessive of Erin right now, but she had been enjoying being the only one who knew. It made her feel special. Important. She fiddles with her safety goggles and returns to her welding. She’ll just have to work extra hard to remain important in Erin’s life.
***
Holtzmann constantly surprises Erin with how sweet she’s being. She massages Erin’s feet and goes and fetches things for Erin when she’s too tired to move. She rinses out the Barf Bucket (Holtz named it) that she put near the couch so Erin doesn’t have to run to the bathroom. She reads the baby book cover to cover and constantly prods Erin about her symptoms. She begins each week by reading out the paragraph about how big the baby is now and what’s growing that week. She has an uncanny ability to predict Erin’s cravings, and she pops out to the corner store down the street from the firehouse half a dozen times a day. When Erin’s craving something more obscure, Holtz will hop in the Ecto-1 and drive all over the city to find it.
It’s like a whole new side of Holtz that Erin never knew existed.
It becomes a running joke that Holtz is like the doting husband. Holtz makes cracks about how great of a dad she’ll be, and one morning Erin brings her a cup of coffee in a cheesy #1 Dad mug. Holtz doesn’t stop beaming all day.
Abby and Patty start to notice how involved Holtz is in the pregnancy, and they say nothing but continue to fight between the two of them about who gets to be the godmother.
***
The first trimester comes to a close and Erin starts to show, just a tiny bit. She stands in front of her mirror naked and examines the little bump. It’s weird, but seeing it there makes it a little more real in her head. It’s then that she officially decides she wants to keep the baby. She tells Holtzmann that she’s showing when she gets in to work the next day, and Holtz consults the book and says the baby is the size of a peach.
Her morning sickness fades and so does her fatigue, but her breasts grow and grow. One day she catches Holtz staring at her chest, but she pretends she doesn’t notice.
***
Erin continues to go on ghost calls, even though the rest of the team grumbles a little about it. They don’t think it’s a good line of work for a pregnant woman. Holtz keeps a close eye on Erin, especially now that she only has the proton pistol to work with. It works better than Holtz predicted, and she considers making some for the rest of the team too if she can get the charge up. Those proton packs are too heavy.
One day, in the middle of a bust, Erin gets a wave of dizziness and clutches the wall for support. Holtz doesn’t miss it. Within seconds she’s at Erin’s side.
“What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Just dizzy,” Erin admits.
Holtz breaths out. “Okay. That’s normal. Why don’t you go sit down in the hearse while we finish up here?”
Erin isn’t happy, but she does it, if only to erase the worry from the engineer’s face.
Later, they pick up some Chinese food and Erin eats double what she usually does. Her appetite has reached monstrous proportions. Holtz teases her about it, but brings her some snacks from her secret stash when Erin’s still hungry afterwards.
New symptoms continue to pour in week after week. Backaches. Leg cramps. Feet swelling. She’s already so uncomfortable, and she still has so long left in the pregnancy. Holtz continues to check in and ask about the symptoms, and she soon discovers that for every new week, Erin has all the possible symptoms associated with that week.
“My dear, you appear to be cursed,” Holtz says one day. “One might even say haunted.”
Erin just groans.
***
It’s time for Erin’s 20-week ultrasound. Holtz goes, of course. They sit in the dark little room and Holtz can hardly sit still as the technician moves the wand across Erin’s belly. This isn’t her first ultrasound, but this is an important one.
“Heartbeat’s sounding good,” the technician says.
“That’s good.” Holtz pokes Erin in the side with her finger. Erin slaps her hand away.
“Sit still.”
“I can’t! I’m too excited.”
The technician smiles at the two of them. “You’re very cute together.”
Erin groans. “We’re not a couple.”
“What are you talking about?” says Holtz, mock horror on her face. “I’m the father, aren’t I? Have you been having an affair?”
Erin rolls her eyes. “You’re such a dork.”
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to assume anything,” the technician says. “So you’re just friends? That’s nice that you’re so supportive. I’m sure it’s hard, doing this alone.”
All fun disappears and Holtz is glaring at the woman. “What were you implying there?”
The woman stutters, caught off guard. “Well if you’re not together, then I just assumed…I mean, you didn’t mention…”
“The father? Yeah, he’s not in the picture. Is that a problem? You have something to say about it?”
“I just…I just have seen a lot of women come in here struggling, that’s all, I didn’t mean to—”
“Listen to me. Erin is doing wonderfully and she would be kicking just as much butt even if I wasn’t here, because she’s one of the strongest women on this planet and she’s going to be a damn good mother, and—”
“Holtz, sit down,” Erin pleads, tugging at Holtz’ wrist. She didn’t even recall when she stood up. She plunks herself back into her seat as the technician stammers a string of apologies. “It’s okay,” Erin says, “It’s fine, really. I know you didn’t mean anything by it. Holtz clearly has some feelings on the matter.”
Her voice is teasing, but sincere, and Holtz eases up a little. She hadn’t meant to get so protective. She’s just very sensitive about people bothering Erin.
The woman apologizes one more time. “It’s okay. Really.” Erin beams at her. “Is there anything else, or are we finishing up here?”
The woman hesitates. “Do you want to know the sex?”
Erin says “no” at the same time that Holtz shouts “YESSS” with so much enthusiasm that it’s clear the little incident is already forgotten.
They look at each other. “Whaaaaat?” Holtz says. “Seriously?”
“I want to be surprised,” Erin says firmly.
Holtz pouts, but she can’t argue with that.
***
A week later, the baby kicks for the first time. It surprises Erin so much that she yelps and then seconds later, her eyes fill with tears when she realizes what it was. Holtz looks up from her work and sees the tears and is at Erin’s side so fast that that startles Erin too.
“What happened?”
“The baby kicked.”
“Holy SHIT, for realsies?”
Erin laughs, the tears tracking down her face. “Yeah.”
The sensation turns from exciting and happy to irritating and uncomfortable within a few weeks.
Everything feels uncomfortable, actually. She’s gaining weight like crazy now. The baby is the size of an ear of corn, Holtz announces proudly.
She can barely sleep at night. Holtzmann hears and orders her this super fancy body pillow online, and it helps, but her symptoms continue to stack up.
Soon Erin is so miserable that she stops going on ghost calls, much to the relief of everyone. She stays at the firehouse with Kevin and tries to teach him email. He’s incredibly excited about the baby, but he keeps pressing to know who the father is, and it eventually bugs Erin so much that she retreats back upstairs to wait for the others to return.
Everyone can tell she’s frustrated. Holtz tries her hardest to make Erin laugh. She finds a new method in baby naming. She picks up a baby name book from a bookstore for Erin and soon Erin is poring over the pages on the couch instead of working. It’s a nice distraction.
“You know what’s a great name?” Holtz says, pointing her precision tweezers at Erin, “Jillian.”
“Holtz. Please.”
“Hey, that’s another great one!”
There’s the smile Holtz was looking for.
She abandons her work and comes to sit with Erin on the couch. She takes the book and flips through, trying to find the most outrageous names. She reads out crazy name after crazy name, and Erin laughs harder than she has in a long time.
Some days are easier than others. Some days Erin is so riddled with hormones that she’s a complete pill, but Holtz never falters and never stops trying to make her laugh.
***
Holtzmann offers to go to birthing classes with Erin, and Erin protests but not hard enough. They go and they sit in a circle with a bunch of couples. Erin’s so distracted by the fact that she’s sitting between Holtz’ legs and the engineer has her hands resting gingerly on Erin’s waist, that she misses the instructor say how cute they are until Holtz is responding.
“Thank you,” Holtz says earnestly.
Erin cranes her head to glare, but Holtz just winks at her.
***
It’s at the next doctor’s appointment that everything falls apart.
It happens when the doctor is measuring Erin’s blood pressure. She has to double check the reading. “That’s way higher than it should be,” she says.
“What?” Erin says, and there’s panic in her voice.
Holtz panics too, but she grabs Erin’s hand and squeezes because somebody’s got to be the calm one.
“Your blood pressure. It’s skyrocketed since the last time I saw you. Are you still working? Do you have a stressful job?”
Despite the seriousness of the situation Holtz snorts. “She’s a ghostbuster.”
“I haven’t been going on any calls,” Erin protests.
“Well, this isn’t good. I’m going to have to put you on bed rest until it goes back down.”
Erin’s terrified at that, because to her knowledge bed rest only happens when the baby is in danger. After the appointment, Holtz wants to bring her straight home, but Erin insists on going back to the firehouse.
“I’ll just stay on the couch,” she says.
Maybe Holtz should protest, but the thought of Erin being home alone is enough to make her agree. At the firehouse, she gets Erin set up on the couch with water and books and everything she needs, and then goes downstairs to explain to Abby and Patty what happened.
For the rest of the pregnancy, Erin practically lives on the couch in Holtz’ lab, except for when Holtz walks her down the stairs at the end of the night and she gets in a cab and heads back to her apartment and climbs into bed. It would be boring if she didn’t have Holtz to keep her company during the day.
Holtz reads the baby book again, and then she turns to the internet and becomes an expert on preeclampsia, which is what Erin has, because Holtz has always needed to understand stuff and this is no exception. She explains it all to Erin in a way that makes it less scary. She brings Erin water and forces her to drink it. She stands over her while she takes the prescribed blood pressure medication. She worries.
Meanwhile, Erin thinks.
About the baby.
About Holtzmann.
About what happens next.
***
One day, she can’t take it any more, and abruptly asks “What’s going to happen when the baby’s born?”
Holtz, who’s flying around the lab looking for a part, doesn’t pause. She launches into something straight out of the baby book about bonding, and breastfeeding, and taking the baby home.
Erin cuts her off. “That’s not what I mean.” Holtzmann looks at her, confused. Erin gestures between the two of them. “What’s going to happen to this?”
Holtz puts down whatever is in her hand and comes to sit on end of the couch, lifting up Erin’s feet and replacing them in her lap.
“I don’t understand.”
“Holtzmann.”
“Erin.”
“You know you’re not actually the dad, right?”
The words sting Holtz, even though obviously they’re true.
Erin continues. “This has been really fun pretending, and you’ve been incredible over the course of this…like I can’t even begin to say how much it means to me. But what happens next? You’re not the dad. We’re not…together. I’m going to be a single parent, and those are the facts. And just because you have a bunch of faith in me doesn’t mean I do. I’m terrified. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
“You’re not going to be alone, Erin. I’ll still be here. Every step of the way, if you want.”
Holtz lets her hand drift to Erin’s belly, and of course the baby is already kicking underneath her palm. She feels a lump grow in her throat. She traces patters across Erin’s stomach with her finger. She doodles a few hearts. Erin won’t notice.
“Holtz…”
Holtzmann’s gaze meets Erin’s and she stares at her intently, ready to hear whatever it is that Erin wants to say. Even if it’s “Stay the hell away from my child,” although Holtz isn’t quite sure she’ll be able to hold it together if that’s the case.
“Holtz…I don’t know what I’m feeling anymore. I’m so overrun with pregnancy hormones right now that I don’t even know left from right or up from down. I just know that all the signs are pointing to you. Oh, gosh, that was less cheesy in my head. Cripey. What I’m trying to say is that I’ve had…feelings…for a long time. Feelings for you, I mean. And they were around long before I got pregnant and I suspect that they’ll be around for a long time after. Especially considering the bond we’ve formed in the last eight months, which is going to make it so much harder if you don’t feel the same way. I don’t know what to do anymore and I’m sick of overthinking the same things every day and I just needed to get it out there and please say something before I keep going.”
Holtz’ fingers have frozen on Erin’s stomach.
“It wasn’t a joke to me,” she says. “All of this.” She gestures between them, just as Erin did.
Erin tries to prop herself up into a seated position and Holtz takes her by the hands and hoists her up. Then they’re face to face and Holtz releases one of Erin’s hands to sweep a sweat-plastered strand of hair from Erin’s face and tuck it behind her ear. Then she’s cupping Erin’s face and leaning in and kissing her like her life depends on it, and maybe it does, because she’s been shocked before but she’s never felt so electric, and she’s faced danger when her inventions have literally and figuratively blown up in her face, but nothing has ever given her this tingly feeling like she wants to throw up and cheer and dance all at once.
And she knows that they’ll be okay, whatever happens, because there’s so much love in this room right now that it’s palpable like the way the air tastes after an explosion. There’s so much love for each other, and for the baby, and for this moment, and for all the moments yet to come.
“So does this mean I get to keep the #1 Dad mug?” Holtz says into Erin’s lips.
Erin laughs and smacks her arm and Holtz just grins.
***
A few weeks later, four days before her due date, Erin stands up to go to the bathroom and her water breaks.
“Hoooooltz!” she calls.
The engineer pops up out of nowhere and starts hyperventilating but not in a panicked way, in an excited way. She slams the ghost alarm button and starts madly whooping “We’re havin’ a baby today, people!”
She grabs Erin’s prepared duffle bag and slings it over her shoulder, then tells Erin to sit tight. She flies down the fire pole and Erin hears Patty and Abby’s excited shouts from downstairs and the sound of the garage door opening. Holtz is bounding up the stairs moments later, and she helps Erin waddle down one step at a time. Abby and Patty each hug her tightly while Holtz hops around like she has to pee saying “Lezgo, lezgo, lezGOOOO!”
They get in the Ecto-1 and Holtz peels out of the garage like they’re an actual fire truck. The sirens blare overhead and Holtz drives like a maniac, shouting “The baby is coming!” with glee through her open window at everyone they pass.
When Erin is safely in a hospital bed, Holtz sits and merrily snacks from a bag of chips and holds Erin’s hand, not even flinching when the grip tightens to bone-crunching force. A few hours into labour and Erin is drenched in sweat, and Holtz is filming on a video camera she stole from work.
“Would you look at that, folks? What a champ. What a champ. Is there anything you want to say to the viewers at home?”
Erin gives her a look that Holtz has never seen before. “If you don’t put that damn thing away, I’ll murder you.”
It’s the closest she’s ever heard to Erin swearing, and she finds it unbelievably cute. But she also sees the fire in Erin’s eyes so she closes the video camera. “I’ll just come back as a ghost to haunt you if you do,” she says with a smirk.
Hours later when the delivery doctor holds up a tiny, screaming, wiggling body that looks like it’s covered in ectoplasm, and announces that it’s a girl, Holtz throws her fists in the air and lets out a whoop so loud that the nurses have to reprimand her. Erin starts crying immediately and Holtz presses a kiss to her sweat-sheened forehead and another one to her lips. Then the tiny, screaming, wiggling body is clean and wrapped in a blanket and being held against Erin’s chest.
Holtzmann looks at both the baby and Erin with equal reverence. “God damn, that was the most amazing thing.” She pulls the video camera out again and zooms in close. “Tell me, how does it feel knowing you just birthed the most miraculous being into existence?”
Erin finally laughs. “Amazing.”
***
Later, Holtzmann ducks out and heads down to the waiting room. She slides into the room tipping an imaginary hat over her eyes, and Abby and Patty all but sprint across the room. Holtz throws her hands wide and announces with grandeur that it’s a girl and the waiting room applauds and Patty claps Holtz on the back and Abby embraces her tightly. They come back to see Erin and they take turns oohing and awwing over the baby and they’re both appalled that Erin doesn’t have a name picked out yet. It’s late, so they eventually take off for home.
Holtz squeezes onto the narrow hospital bed beside Erin, not even bothering to take off her boots. She holds the baby and stares lovingly down at her.
“She has my nose.”
Erin laughs. They sit in quiet silence. “What do you think of Julia? For a name?” Erin says finally.
Holtz turns her head to smirk at Erin. “That sounds a lot like Jillian.”
“Shut up.” Erin blushes.
“I like it,” Holtz says, kissing Erin’s cheek. “She’s gonna be so kickass.”
“Holtz! Don’t swear in front of her!”
“Oops.” Holtz doesn’t sound very sorry. She croons nonsense at the baby for a while. Julia’s hand grips around Holtz’ finger. “Hey. What a grip. She has the hands of an engineer.”
“Do I get two? Lucky me.”
***
So far, parenting is a lot of laughing.
It’s also heart-stopping moments of terror, especially when Holtz does all sorts of reckless things with Julia like hold her up above her head (“It’s Lion King! Have you never seen that movie?”) or dance around the lab with her tucked into one arm. But Erin trusts Holtz, and she no longer has a heart attack every time.
Erin gets frustrated and overwhelmed a lot and then Holtz is there cracking jokes, never in a bad mood, always willing to take Julia when Erin just can’t take it any more.
And Holtzmann is like a goddamn baby whisperer, because the second Julia hits her arms, any screaming or crying or general meltdown immediately dissipates.
When she’s big enough, Holtz works with her in the Baby Bjorn, and she never stops talking to Julia, explaining each step of what she’s working on, because she read how important it is to talk to babies (and also she just really wants Julia to grow up to be a scientist too. Start ‘em early, and all that).
It’s nothing Erin expected, and yet everything she expected.
And one night, Erin’s trying to fall asleep, and Holtz is curled up in the bed beside her, breathing steadily, and Julia is fast asleep in her crib across the room, and Erin decides her life is exactly where she wants it to be, and she wouldn’t change anything for the world.