All It Took

The days that followed were no doubt a struggle for Clarke.

She cried, she drank too much wine, she ate too much ice cream, she binge watched too many tv shows.

She lazed around her apartment in her pajamas and ignored all of her calls from Lexa and her friends. She let herself truly feel sad about everything she had always boxed up.

She let herself break.

But only for 5 days.

That’s all she would allow herself.

5 days to be completely destroyed by Lexa, and then that was it. She would pull it together. She would walk back into the world with her chin up and her spine straight.

She would find happiness again. With or without Lexa.

Her heart was broken, but she was going to be fine. That much she was certain of. She was a Griffin after all.

She would mend the rips and cracks and tears. She would get up, get dressed, take a deep breathe, and move forward. It was how she was raised and she wasn’t going to let anybody take that away from her. No one.

And so on the fifth day, she took a long hot shower, put on some real clothes, and headed out to meet Raven and Octavia for lunch.

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When she arrived, Raven and Octavia were already there, waiting with worried expressions, chocolate bars in hand, and pick me up speeches prepared.

After Clarke went radio silent everybody was on edge, waiting for a big meltdown that surprisingly never came.

Clarke was actually surprised they hadn’t shown up at her door with the National Guard in tow to break down her door, but luckily Clarke had convinced them that some alone time was critical to her healing.

(They did in fact come by every once in a while just to listen through the door and make sure Clarke was still alive, but that was something she didn’t need to know about.)

As soon as she got to the table she was bombarded with hugs and affirmations that it was all going to be okay.

Chocolate was shoved into her arms and kisses were pressed to her temple.

“Oh my god Clarke we were worried sick! You should have let us come over we could have cheered you up!! Helped you forget about stupid Lexa!”

“Ya who even needs her?! Not you!! Everything will be okay we just need to get you back out their and-”

Clarke couldn’t help but chuckle at her friends panicked outbursts.

“Guys, guys, calm down I’m okay! You don’t need to be worried.”

Raven and Octavia shared a confused look, wondering if Clarke was in some sort of extreme denial psychosis.

“Look am I sad and upset? Yes. Do I wish things were different? Of course. But I can’t force Lexa to be with me any more than I can force the weather. She made her decision and I’m not going to wallow in self pity. I let myself have 5 days to be a complete mess and now I’m fine. Honestly I am.”

Raven and Octavia both sighed in relief at Clarke’s level headed response, and although they were still a little weary, they accepted her explanation.

Octavia was the first to speak up.

“Well I think thats great Clarke. Very mature. And if you’re sure you’re okay, than I’m happy.”

Raven took her turn.

“Ya same Clarke. You know we will always be here for you. No matter what. Besides, you don’t need Lexa anyway! You’re a strong independent womannnnnnnn”

And with that, they simultaneously broke out singing Independent Women by Destiny’s Child, and all was right in the world again.

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The team had just finished practice and Lexa was in the middle of changing when she felt someone come up behind her.

“Can I help you with something Anya or are you just trying to invade my personal space?”

She turned around to find Anya staring at her with that stupid arched brow and jutted out chin she always got when she was waiting for Lexa to spill it.

“Why yes, you can start by telling me why you just made us run 5 miles and condition for 3 hours when we don’t even have a game coming up. Are you trying to punish us for something or are you just trying to forget how you royally fucked things up with Clarke?” She smiled victoriously when Lexas pupils dilated in surprise at Anyas ability to read her like a book.

“First of all I didn’t ‘royally fuck things up with Clarke’ we had a misunderstanding and we will be fine.” She sounded more convinced than she actually was.

Anya scoffed and her rolled her eyes at Lexas twisted logic.

“Oh ya? Is that why she’s been ignoring all of your calls and texts? Because you had a minor misunderstanding? Because it sounds to me like you screwed her over one too many times and now she’s done with you for good.”

Lexa felt her irritation growing at Anyas apparent stance in the situation, however irritation quickly melted into sadness at the thought that maybe Anya was right.

Her shoulders sagged and her demeanor noticeably changed.

“I need her An. She can’t be done with me for good, she’s the only positive thing in my life right now. I’m gonna make it right with her, I’ll literally beg her to forgive me if I have to. Look Costias dad has been doing much better and they are pretty positive he will make a full recovery, so now I can focus my attention on getting her back.”

Anya, ever the optimist, shrugged her shoulders matter of factly and looked all too unconvinced.

“Well you better get to thinking because Clarke’s not the type of girl to wait around forever.”

Lexa nodded in agreement.

“Ya I know I know, I will. I just need to get her to talk to me first. What about if we get the whole group together and we go out. Like to a bar or club or something. If everyone goes I doubt she’ll say no. It’ll be perfect and I can talk to her outside or something.”

Even though this wasn’t exactly the grand gesture Anya was picturing she figured it might just work anyway.

“Ya that might work. I’m in, let everyone else know when and where. And for the love of god Lexa, talk to Costia.”

She nodded, her mood momentarily darkening again.

“Ya I know. It’s long overdue.”

Anya nodded and patted Lexa on the back, showing her quiet support before walking away.
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Lexa took a deep breath to calm her nerves and get rid of the wave of deja vu that had just washed over her. She was about to open her apartment door and inevitably break Costias heart, for real this time, and although she knew this was for the best, she still felt like a terrible person.

“This has to be done. This is what is fair to everybody.”

She whispered quiet encouragement before opening the door.

When she walked in, Costia was sitting on the couch looking at some fashion post on her laptop, and when she saw Lexa, she jumped up to give her a hug.

“Hey baby I missed you. How was your day”

Before Lexa could respond, she continued on. Typical.

“I was just looking at upcoming fashion shows in the area and I finally settled on three that we absolutely have to go to! Ugh I can’t wait to go shopping for outfits!”

Lexa internally groaned because nothing sounded worse to her than going to another fashion show, but before she could finish her train of thought she remembered that she wouldn’t in fact be going to any more fashion shows. Ever, hopefully. That thought made her very excited.

But just as quickly, she was overcome with nerves yet again so she squared her shoulders and reminded herself that she could do this.

“Actually Costia we need to talk.”

She sat down across from her on the couch and waited for Costia to put her laptop aside.

“Um okay, what do you wanna talk about?” She waited for Lexa to continue.

“Look I’ve been thinking a lot lately about us and who we are to each other and where we are both going in life and I feel like we’ve been going in different directions for a long time now and maybe the best thing for us right now is some time apart.” Lexa let out a shaky breathe that she had been holding in the entire time she was talking.

There was a few seconds of complete silence before Costia spoke up.

“Are you trying to break up with me right now Lexa?” Her face started turning red and Lexa could tell she was trying not to scream.

“I know this feels like it’s coming out of left field but I’ve been feeling this way for a while now. We’re just too different. We don’t want the same things anymore Cos.”

“You mean you’ve been feeling this way since Clarke got here. Don’t try and pretend like she has nothing to do with this.”

Costia was glaring at Lexa with such intensity it was a little scary. If looks could kill Lexa would be on the floor right now.

“This isn’t about Clarke okay, this is about you and me. I haven’t been happy in a long time. Even before I met Clarke. This is about us and the fact that we don’t make each other happy anymore. We argue all the time, we have almost nothing in common. I think you feel this way too you just don’t want to admit it.”

Costia was positively seething, and she had to quickly stand up from the couch so she didn’t explode.

“That’s such bullshit Lexa of course this about Clarke. You think I don’t see that way you act around her. The way you try to hide your excitement when you know you’re gonna see her. I’ve even noticed a difference when we’re fucking! You’re probably too busy trying not to think about how she would look naked beneath you! Unless you’ve already fucked her, I wouldn’t put it past her to try and seduce you!”

Lexa tried to end this cordially but she had had enough. She schooled her features and tried to level her voice.

“Okay stop it Costia seriously. That’s enough. I’m not happy, you’re not happy so why not just end things before they get worse. Stop pretending like things were all rainbows and butterflies before Clarke moved here. They weren’t and you know it! So lets just appreciate the good times we had and put an end to this so we can both move on!”

Costia just shook her head in disbelief.

“Wow Lexa. I can’t believe you’re seriously ending this relationship because some bitch walked into your life-

Before Costia could finish her sentence, Lexa was up off the couch as well.

“Don’t ever call her that again! You have no right!!”

“There you go again. Defending the one who ISN’T your girlfriend.”

Lexa just shook her head and chuckled coldly.

“Well you aren’t my girlfriend anymore either so I guess I can defend whoever I want right?” Okay, that was harsh and she knew it but Costia was taking this somewhere it didn’t need to go.

The finality in Lexa’s voice made everything more real to Costia, and she realized that this was actually it. Lexa was dumping her. For that stupid new girl. She swore in that moment that she had never hated anyone more in her life as much as she hated Clarke Griffin.

“I’m gonna ask you one more time if this is really what you want. To throw away everything we have together. Because trust me when I say that when I walk out those doors i’m not coming back Lexa. Not when your drunk and realize you’ve made a mistake. Not when you miss me and wanna try to be friends. Not when you’re lonely and want someone to warm your bed. If you’re really ending it then this is it.”

Lexa squared her shoulders and calmed her anger once more before replying.

“I’ve never been so sure of anything Costia. It’s for the best. We both deserve to find true happiness. I’m gonna go over to campus for the rest of the night to work on homework so you can start getting all your stuff together or I can do it and bring it to you later. It’s up to you.”

With that, Costia stormed past Lexa, and started gathering up all the stuff that had accumulated over the past couple of years.

Lexa nodded her head once, grabbed her bag, and headed out the door.

It was probably risky to leave Costia alone in her apartment right now where she was free to destroy whatever she wanted, but at this point Lexa didn’t even care.

‘Well that went well’ she told herself sarcastically as she hit the elevator button. She really wanted to end things on at least respectful terms, but she somehow knew that wasn’t gonna happen. If she ever doubted her decision to break it off before, Costia’s outburst just proved that she made the right decision. Her father would’ve understood right? She hoped so.

As she walked out the door and into the fresh air she was hit with a feeling of relief and hopefulness all at once. It felt good. Like starting over and doing it right this time.

Her mind immediately wandered to Clarke, as it so often did and she hoped that the blonde would show up at the club tomorrow so they could finally talk and make things right.

She picked up her phone to call Anya, who she knew was impatiently waiting for her call.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey An it’s me. I did it.’

There was a rustling on the other end of line and a mumbling that sounded alot like ‘fuck ya’.

‘No fucking way Lex, I didn’t actually think you’d go through with it! It’s about damn time! How’d she take it?’

Lexa blew out an exasperated laugh that told Anya everything she needed to know.

‘Not well. She’s currently packing up all her stuff and probably spray painting Go Fuck Yourself all over the walls.’

Anya barked out a laugh.

‘Damn that well? And here I thought you’d let her down easy. You’re just too much of a heartbreaker aren’t you Woods?’

Even though Anya meant it to be funny, it still gave Lexa a pang of guilt.

‘I tried to be nice about An, I really did. But she said some things that were too low and she took it places that it didn’t need to go. I just couldn’t take it anymore.’

Anya sombered up when she could hear the change in Lexas voice.

‘Hey listen to me Lex you did the right thing. She made you miserable and you needed to move on. She’ll get over it and find someone else who will love going to fashion shows with her and all will be well.’

Lexa felt lighter at Anyas words.

‘Ya you’re right. Everyone will be better off. Anyways I don’t really wanna talk about it anymore. Lets get the gang to meet at the club tomorrow so I can grovel to Clarke and finally figure out what we are. Text the others to meet there tomorrow at 9 o’clock. Usual table.’

‘Alright will do, I’ll you know what they say.’

Lexa nodded ‘Cool sounds good. Talk to you later.’

‘Talk to you later. And Lex? I’m proud of you’

Lexa smiled a genuinely for the first time all day before replying.

‘Thanks An.’

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The night after the big breakup, Clarke, Octavia, Raven, and Niylah were hopping in the car to meet everyone at the club. When Anya had told them that Costia and Lexa broke up, Clarke felt a wave of guilt wash over her, knowing that she should have been there for Lexa, but just as quickly the thought was pushed aside when Clarke remembered that she wasn’t ready to forgive the brunette just yet.

Raven and Octavia were concerned about how Clarke was reacting so calmly to the news but she assured them she was happy for Lexa and that was that. Besides, she had a pretty good thing going with Niylah at the moment and it was completely drama free, which was refreshing.

They had been talking a lot lately and Niylah was proving to be a great friend and a really fun person to talk to. They both really liked each other but they hadn’t done anything more than hold hands with each other. Clarke wanted to go further. She really did. It’s just that every time she pictured herself kissing Niylah, a certain brunette would pop into her mind and it was so unnerving that Clarke knew she had to wait to go any further with Niylah. She needed to get Lexa out of her head first. And that is exactly what she planned to do tonight.

Clarke was determined to have a fun night and forget all about her Lexa drama for the time being. She knew she was going to be at the club and she was absolutely confident in her own ability to act like a grown up. She would be polite and cordial to Lexa and everyone would have a good time.

She did feel a little nervous about showing up with Niylah, without telling the others first that they were sort of a thing, but she figured she would just explain that they were taking things slow and that it was no big deal. It was no big deal right? She hoped not.

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Lexa, Anya, and the rest of the gang grabbed a big table at the back of the dimly lit club and ordered drinks while they waited for Clarke, Octavia, and Raven to show up.

Lexa hadn’t been able to sit still the entire evening and as hard as she tried she couldn’t seem to slow her erratic heart beat.

I mean, Clarke knew she was going to be there so it was silly for her to be so nervous but she was just afraid Clarke wouldn’t want to talk to her. She missed her so much and she had so much to tell her that she didn’t even know where she would begin. I’m sorry I fucked up would probably be a good place to start.

All she needed was 10 minutes alone with the blonde and hopefully things could back to how they were before this whole mess.

She took a shot of whiskey to calm herself down, and right as she did so she saw a familiar flash of blonde hair making her way over to their table. She couldn’t help the smile from spreading over face because wow Clarke was so beautiful and she had missed her so much and it took everything in her not to get up and run over to the girl and grab her and kiss her just like they did in the movies.

Life, however, was not a movie, and Lexa was about to get her first lesson in this.

She watched in confusion, and what felt like slow motion as Niylah came into view, walking very close to Clarke, too close to Clarke in fact. It was then that Lexas eyes travelled downward and landed on Clarke and Niylahs interlocked hands, then back up to their nervous smiling faces.

It was in that moment that Lexa felt all of the air leave her lungs and the blood drain from her face. This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be real, there was no way they were together.

Except that it was. Because as they finally approached the table hand in hand, and everyone took notice and gave their congratulations, they didn’t deny it. They didn’t correct everyone and say they were just friends holding hands or let everyone know that Niylah was just really drunk so Clarke was guiding her the table. They said nothing of the sort. They just smiled and gave their thanks while light blushes adorned their faces.

When Clarke and Niylah sat down and everyone settled, the conversations went back to normal. Everyone picked up where they left off. Everyone that is, except for Anya, who sent Lexa a worried glance, and Lexa, who hadn’t uttered a word since they walked in the door.

A moment later, when Lexa finally recovered from her initial shock, she blurted out the only thing that was running through her mind at the moment.

“What the fuck is going on?”

All eyes turned to her and the table went silent.

Welp, she thought, there goes the rest of the night.

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