It's Time
The following Monday was Clarke’s first day of classes, and after her last one, an art history lecture, she met up with Raven to grab some ice cream and walk around campus so she could start to get her bearings.
Before long, they found themselves walking past the soccer field.
“Hey is Lexa over there?” Clarke asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.
“Ya she’s over there. So is Anya and Niylah, lets go watch for a little.” Raven replied and started walking them in the direction of the team, currently running plays down the field.
When they approached the fence Clarke could see her three new friends (sort of) dribbling the ball down the field. She felt the breathe catch in her throat when Lexa came in to better view, and Clarke could that she was wearing only a sports bra and running shorts.
The sweat glistened off her toned stomach and her legs looked like they went on for miles. She could’t help but think about running her fingers over the bumps and ridges of her slick body because holy shit this girl was unreal. Was she created in a factory or something? It wasn’t fair to look that good after an afternoon of running and sweating. She suddenly found herself hating Costia even more.
When one of the girls failed to properly pass the ball to her teammate yet again, Lexa frustratingly threw her hands in the air and started yelling.
“I must have forgotten the part where we decided we wanted to lose our next game!!! I forgot that you guys joined the team just for shits and giggles and i’m so very sorry you’ve been so put out at practice today! Maybe next practice we can just use the time to take a nap and talk about our feelings!!” Lexa seethed as she looked each and every one of her teammates in the eye.
Clarke found this new commanding side of Lexa extremely intimidating and completely sexy. She stood there looking like a greek goddess, all the while yelling at everyone to, ‘pull their heads out of their asses, wipe the shit out of their eyes, and play the damn game properly’. The only person on the team who looked unfazed was Anya, who was calm, probably used to her best friends outbursts.
Raven chuckled and turned to Clarke. “Haven’t seen this side of her yet, huh new girl?”
Clarke smirked and shook her head as Raven continued.
“I know she seems like a hard ass but she just wants everyone to push themselves to be better. The girl can yell for days but when one of her girls does something good Lexa’s the first one to praise them. She’s a good leader that way. They respect her.”
Clarke smiled and watched as Lexa cooled off and had the team run another play.
After a few more minutes of Clarke ogling her, Lexa looked over and noticed the pair. She called for a water break, and headed over to say hi.
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Lexa was just getting back into drills when she looked up and saw Clarke and Raven standing at the fence watching. She berated herself for the way she immediately felt happier.
She started walking toward the two girls to say hi, even though she was in the middle of an intense practice and her team didn’t deserve a break after the way they had been playing. She approached them anyway, leaning on the fence as she spoke.
“So, come to join the team or just like what you see?” Lexa smirked, leering at Clarke.
Clarke felt her pulse quicken.
“Well we were actually trying to find the field hockey team but unfortunately they don’t start practice until spring.” Clarke retorted back, pretending to be upset.
Lexa raised her eyebrow and puffed out her chest.
“Well hockey players may be cool, but they don’t play the field as well as I do.” Lexa smirked, proud of that one, even though she knew she should’t be egging Clarke on like that. It was innocent banter right?
Clarke just chuckled and shook her head. She couldn’t say anything back to the confident soccer captain because everything that popped into her head sounded too sexual.
Instead Raven spoke up. Clarke and Lexa both looked at her in surprise, as if forgetting that she was there too.
“So you were working the girls pretty hard today. I haven’t seen Niylah look that worn out in a long time.”
Lexa’s eyebrows knitted together as she spoke.
“Well if they want to win any more games this season they’ve got to start acting like it. They’re on this team for a reason, and I won’t put up with laziness or incapability.”
Raven started saying something else but all Lexa could focus on was the way Clarke was licking her ice cream. It had started dripping down the cone while they were talking and she was now lapping it up with her tongue. Lexa felt her mouth go dry as she thought about Clarke doing other things with that tongue.
She had to quickly shake that thought away because she was in a committed relationship and could not think these things about Clarke, even though she had a drip of ice cream on her perfect pink lips and looked adorably content, when she was eating something she so clearly loved.
And that’s when the thought hit her.
Clarke didn’t know just how beautiful she was.
She didn’t know that she could walk around wearing jean shorts and a tank top and make it look like it came out of a magazine. She didn’t know that when she smiled at people, genuinely smiled, she possessed the ability to make their knees weaken. She didn’t know that she looked so fucking cute and so fucking sexy all at the same time eating that ice cream cone when she thought no one was watching.
She didn’t know any of these things.
Lexa knew that she didn’t know any of these things because Clarke was never trying to look a certain way or act a certain way. She felt it the night they met at the bar too. It all just came natural to her and she didn’t even know it. Like making people feel somersaults in their stomachs was as easy as breathing for her.
Lexa suddenly felt very dizzy and very overwhelmed at this realization. This needed to stop right away.
She needed to get away from Clarke before she did or said something she would regret.
Like idk maybe, “Did you know that you’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever laid eyes on and I want to tell you everyday that you’re the coolest person ever and you don’t even have to try and I wish I could kiss you right now even though once again I fucking have a girlfriend who would actually murder me if she saw how my fingers just twitched because I so badly want to tuck that piece of hair behind your ear”.
She she let out a breathe as if she had been holding it in for days. She was suddenly feeling very worn out.
Once Raven was finished talking (about who knows what) she stood up straight, mustered up her dignity, and replied,
“Well it was nice to see you guys but i’ve got to get back. Break’s over”.
Just as she turned to leave, however, she remembered something. She turned back saying,
“Hey I almost forgot! Party at my place tonight. Nothing too fancy we just want to have people over to celebrate Lincoln’s 23rd. It starts at 9 so come over whenever you want.” She internally slapped herself because wow so far she was doing a fantastic job of distancing herself from Clarke. But she couldn’t help it. She had to invite her, it would be rude not to.
Clarke smirked and spoke up,
“Hmm I might be able to make it but I’m pretty busy tonight so I’ll see if I can pencil you in.”
Lexa laughed and rolled her eyes, and as she turned to head back to her team she replied,
“I’ll see you tonight blondie.”
Clarke laughed as she and Raven began walking away.
Their walk back to the dorms was silent until finally Raven spoke up.
“So......what was that about?”
Clarke feigned ignorance.
“What are you talking about Ray?”
Raven just smiled and shook her head slightly.
“C’mon princess i’ve known you for years. You totally have the hots for Lexa. I noticed the way you lit up every time you two played your twisted little flirtation game.”
Clarke tried to defend herself, “I do not ‘have the hots’ for Lexa what are you 90 years old? She’s just fun to mess with because she’s quick like me.”
Raven didn’t believe it for a second.
“Look I personally think you two would be cute together in a perfect world but you’ve got to be careful with that one. For one she has a girlfriend, a very possessive girlfriend, and two she used to be a known player. I heard that before she and Costia got together she slept with more girls than she could count. She would just sleep with them and then be done with them. A real class-A womanizer. Everyone was surprised when Costia finally tamed the beast.”
Clarke tried not ignore the pang of hurt in her stomach at hearing about Costia winning over Lexa’s heart.
“Well you don’t need to worry Ray, I’m not gonna make a move on Lexa. I just want to be her friend that’s all.”
Raven decided to let it go and change the subject.
“Well anyway, lets get back to our rooms so we can chill until we have to get ready for the party tonight.”
Clarke agreed and they walked off.
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They were standing outside the apartment Lexa shared with Lincoln and Anya at promptly 9:45. Raven brought beer and Clarke brought whiskey for the birthday boy, knowing his true present would be given by Octavia tonight in the bedroom. Even though Raven and Clarke were disgusted by that thought, they couldn’t help but be happy that their friend had found someone as great as Lincoln.
After just a few seconds, Anya opened the door and Clarke could see about 30 people milling about inside. Music pumped through the speakers and everyone was either dancing, chatting in corners, or engrossed in a game of poker that was currently happening at the dining room table.
Anya nodded at them as she spoke.
“Hey Reyes. Griffin. Welcome to our humble abode, come on in and don’t break anything.” She smirked a little and ushered them in.
The first thing Clarke noticed was how spacious this apartment was.
It was loft style with high vaulted ceilings and exposed brick. I mean shit, one months rent here could probably pay off Clarke’s entire dorm building for the whole year. These roommates had to be loaded.
She walked over to greet Lincoln and Octavia but was immediately pulled aside by none other than Costia.
Clarke internally groaned, getting ready for an argument when Costia spoke up.
“Look I want to say sorry for how I acted the other night. I should have been more welcoming to you but I’ll try harder from now on. Lets just start over okay?”
Although Clarke felt that the apology was insincere, she shook it off and smiled.
“That sounds great Costia thanks for apologizing.”
At that Costia nodded and smiled and walked back towards the crowd.
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Lexa watched from across the room as Clarke and Raven moved about the apartment, making conversation with different people. She would never admit it but she found herself glancing at the clock more frequently than usual, wondering when the blonde she was suddenly so intrigued with was going to arrive.
And when she did arrive, wearing a pair of high waisted black shorts and a flowy lavender tank top, Lexa couldn’t help but smile. Effortless.
She decided it was time to go greet the pair.
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Clarke turned just as Lexa began heading over.
She was breathless per usual as Lexa strode toward them looking like a stud in her black jeans, cut off Bob Dylan shirt, and converse.
Lexa smiled at her as she approached.
“Well look who decided to grace us with her presence tonight. Looks like you were able to pencil me in after all huh?”
Clarke grinned and replied, “Well I did have to move some things around but I figured Lincoln was worth it.”
Lexa poked her tongue out at Clarke.
Just then Octavia joined them, throwing an arm around Clarke’s shoulders, something she did a lot when she was drinking. It didn’t take much for her to get wasted and Clarke could tell she was well on her way there.
She leaned in and planted a kiss on Clarke’s cheek.
“Claaaarke I’m so glad you go to school here now. I can kiss your cheeks all the time and you smell so nice and are always pretty.” she slurred.
Clarke chuckled and reciprocated the arm and kisses to Octavia.
What she missed however was the way Lexa’s eyes darkened longingly and her smile faltered slightly.
Raven didn’t miss it though.
After they all chatted and made fun of Octavia’s inability to form a coherent sentence, they went their separate ways to get drinks and mingle.
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It was about midnight when Clarke decided to take a break from the craziness inside and head out to the large balcony off of Lincoln’s bedroom. He was currently making out with Octavia on the couch so she didn’t think he would mind.
She leaned against the railing and looked out at the expanse of the night sky, wondering, as she often did when her mind was muddled, if her dad was looking down on her.
He had had a heart attack when she was 15 years old, and not a day went by that she didn’t think about him. She often found herself wondering if he would be proud of the person she had become. She hoped so.
She hoped that he would be proud that she was pursuing art, because he aways taught her to do what makes your heart happy, and she hoped he would be proud that she dated what ever gender she wanted to, because he always taught her to screw societies labels, and she hoped most of all that he would be proud that no matter how heavy her heart felt at times, she never lost faith in the world, because he always taught her that life could be a beautiful adventure, so long as you allowed it to be.
She hoped these things every day, and wished desperately for confirmation that she would end up happy. That she would end up okay.
She didn’t really know why she was thinking all of this right now, in the middle of a party for a 23 year old, but it was quiet out here and looking at the stars made her think of simpler days.
She was in such deep thought that she hardly noticed the tall brunette approaching her until she spoke.
“Well well well, looks like someone else found my secret escape spot.”
Clarke smiled as Lexa mimicked her to lean against the balcony railing.
She replied, “Well appears that I have in fact found it but I’m sorry to say that I saw some people out here earlier as well. So it looks like your hiding spot isn’t so hidden after all”
Lexa pretended to pout before Clarke continued.
“But still, I won’t tell anyone. Your secret’s safe with me.”
Clarke crossed her heart to make a mock promise.
Lexa just chuckled and and nodded her acceptance before speaking out.
“So Clarke, I don’t see a drink in your hand, you pacin’ yourself tonight?” Lexa smirked.
Lexa was surprised however with her response.
“Nah I had a couple beers earlier but I’m not always a huge drinker like Raven and Octavia. Shocking I know.”
Lexa raised her eyebrows.
“You’re not a huge drinker? Clarke you’re a sophmore in college how can you not be a huge drinker?”
Clarke smiled sadly and gazed back out at the sky.
“My dad died a while back and afterward my mom started drinking a lot. It sort of tore the family apart even more than we already were and it totally consumed my moms life for a while. She stopped caring about things and turned into this shell of who she used to be.”
Lexa’s face fell as she apologized.
“I’m so sorry Clarke I had no idea.”
Clarke just smiled and shook her head.
“No it’s totally fine. Really. It was a long time ago and me and mom are okay now. It just sort of made me more aware of how easy it is to lose control sometimes. I mean it’s not that I don’t drink. I do. It’s just that I do it on my own terms. Im not gonna drink just to drink you know?”
Lexa looked at Clarke in amazement.
“It must be hard though with people pressuring you, especially in college. I mean people must constantly bother you about drinking right?” Lexa asked curiously.
“Well all the more reason for me not to then. I’m not gonna do something just because people expect me to. Screw that. I’ll do what I want, and if I feel like taking shots of tequila and chasing it with vodka, I’ll drink up, but if I feel like ordering a lemonade at the club, I will drink the shit out of that lemonade. I’m sick of people feeling obligated to act a certain way because it’s the norm.”
Lexa stared at Clarke in wonderment. She was impressed. And totally in awe of who Clark was. If anything this only fueled her longing to know more about the blonde in front of her.
“Well you, Clarke Griffin, are quite the pioneer. I’m honored to know you and I wish more people felt the way you do.” Lexa said honestly as she too looked out at the night sky.
She couldn’t help but wonder about her own choices in life.
She too often found herself wishing she were anywhere else but at another college party, drinking the night away yet again. She wished she had the courage to tell her friends that she didn’t always feel like getting drunk and instead would like to actually go do something fun. Have a bonfire, or go to a concert, or even just walk around in the city. Something. Anything to make this life feel like more than it did right now. Life was supposed to be an adventure right? So why did it feel like she was stuck? Like she was lost and trying desperately to find herself again? She hoped that she would find the answer to that soon because honestly, she was tired of this. And she knew deep down that she had been tired of this for a long long time.
They were both quiet in thought for a moment before Clarke started up again.
“So Bob Dylan huh?”
Lexa chuckled proudly and replied, “Yep. He’s one of the best there ever was.”
Clarke smiled at that.
“Some might say THE best there ever was.”
Lexa turned to her again.
“Wait you actually like Dylan too? I was ready to defend his honor like I have to do with literally all of my friends.”
Clarke huffed and nudged Lexa’s shoulder.
“Oh puulease you don’t get to be the only cool and cultured one here. I’m obsessed with Bob Dylan. I used to listen to his records all the time, I grew up with them!”
Lexa couldn’t wipe the smile off of her face if she tried.
“Do you have a favorite of his?” She asked excitedly.
Clarke immediately replied, “I do, my favorite song ever is Don’t Think Twice It’s Alright.”
Lexa felt her world tilt on its axis and her heart flutter.
“Clarke that’s my favorite song in the entire universe. I listen to it at least every single day.
Clarke just stared at Lexa in shock before Lexa continued.
“I have never met anyone in my life whose favorite song is Don’t Think Twice. Are you even real? And why have we never met before?”
Clarke laughed and shrugged her shoulders.
“Well maybe we have. In a past life or something.”
Lexa stared at her a beat and smiled softly before replying.
“Ya, maybe we have.”
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They continued to stare at each other, as if looking away right now was impossible.
Lexa started unconsciously leaning toward Clarke and Clarke did the same.
She noticed Lexa’s mouth part, before her eyes glanced down to Clarke’s lips, then back up to her eyes.
Their faces were mere inches apart when someone suddenly burst out of Lincoln’s room and on to the balcony.
They pulled apart faster than they could blink and Clarke noticed Lexa visibly pale, as if realizing what she had almost just done.
It was then that the interrupter spoke up.
“Hey Lexa, Costia needs you. She’s totally hammered and everyone is trying to get her to lie down before she blacks out.
Lexa groaned frustratingly as she was snapped back into reality, and she frowned, wishing that she could stay out here with Clarke forever. Feeling invincible to the problems of the world around them.
Instead, she turned to leave, with Clarke following behind.
When they found Costia she could hardly stand up and was loudly cackling at something somebody said.
Lexa approached her and grabbed her by the waist. Costia turned to her and broke out into a huge grin as she slurred,
“Babyy i’ve missed you where have you been? You wanna take a shot with me?”
Lexa looked at her and shook her head.
“C’mon It’s time to get you to bed before you fall over.”
Costia stuck out her bottom lip in a pout but allowed Lexa to pull her away.
They only made it a few steps however, when she started to slip out of Lexa’s grip.
Clarke ran over to help and they each took grabbed a side and practically carried her to Lexa’s room.
Once they got inside, Lexa laid Costia on her bed and started taking off her shoes. Costia just laid there watching before she slurred again.
“Mmm who knew it was this easy to get you to undress me.” She smirked seductively as she said it, not realizing Clarke was in the room.
Lexa, however, didn’t forget, and looked up at Clarke apologetically before replying,
“C’mon Costia lets get you under the covers.”
Costia didn’t budge and instead grabbed Lexa’s forearm.
“C’mon Lex lets screw each others brains out like we always used to after a party. It’ll be just like old times when you acted like you gave a shit about me.”
Lexa’s cheeks reddened before she pulled her arm out of Costia’s grasp.
“Stop it Costia. You’re wasted and you need to go to sleep. You told me you were going to take it easy tonight, what the hell happened to that?”
Lexa was angry at Costia for once again putting her in this position, but she was angrier at herself for thinking that tonight would be any different.
As Lexa started lifting the covers for her, Costia spoke up again.
“Lexa just tell me that you love me.”
Once again Lexa’s eyes widened as she opened her mouth to tell Costia that now was not the time. Costia however cut her off.
“Cos-”
“Just say it Lexa! Just tell me you love me and i’ll let it go.”
Lexa sighed regretfully before replying,
“I love you Costia.”
She couldn’t help but glance at Clarke as she said those words, and her heart constricted at the slightly saddened look on Clarke’s face.
After silently helping Lexa get Costia into bed, Clarke decided it was time to leave the room and get out of this awkward situation she found herself in.
She turned to Lexa as she spoke.
“Well it looks like you’ve got everything covered here. Goodbye Lexa.”
Lexa opened her mouth to say something, but Clarke walked out of the room before she could get it out.
She exhaled slowly and looked down at her girlfriends sleeping form, before heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed.
Later that night, when sleep eluded her, she found herself thinking about a certain blonde who had been occupying all of her thoughts lately.
And for the first time in years, she finally admitted to herself that this was not enough.
She yearned for something more fulfilling, and she thought that maybe, just maybe it was time for a change.