In the morning, her name is the first thing you wake to, you see it in all the headlines on the news. Her voice plays in your thoughts, like that cassette tape about Einstein you fell asleep to as a kid. A constant loop of: play, re-wind, play, re-wind. The force of gravity arises from the curvature of space and time, and you feel sympathy with the laws of relativity because you too have been dictated by forces beyond your own control. Hope that the yellow lenses in your glasses neutralise rose-tinted vision; become disappointed when they do not. If only the laws of physics could help you calculate a way into her heart.
When you get dressed for work, do not wonder whether she likes your clothes, or if she ever steals glances when she thinks you aren’t looking. You have never cared about the way people look at you before, why must she be an exception? Wear a heavier jacket than usual, as if the extra weight will ground you. When she brings coffee to your desk, smile too fast and too wide. Catch yourself. Remember: this is just coffee; it is not a declaration of her secret affection. Do not cradle the mug in your hands, like the warmth it radiates is in any way the same as how it might feel to wake up beside her.
Flirt obnoxiously, behind a layer of humour to protect you from the truth. Does she flush pink because you embarrass her or because she likes it? Agonise over that question, in-between drawing up designs for gadgets that will help capture ghosts. Watch her flirt with a man who will never see her the way you do. You have struggled with your own demons for years, do not think about the irony of being a ghost buster by trade.
When you put together your latest device, be conveniently near her. Show her how it works with an excitement that she will mistake for enthusiasm for your work. You have that too, but this excitement is mostly because you like the way her smile lights up when she is impressed, and how she looks at you as if you might just be magic.
Do not get a taste for her approval, do not contemplate all the things you could create to gain more of it. Do not imagine what it would be like if she were to pull you in by the collar of your jumpsuit, and how her lips would feel pressed up against yours. Do not fantasise about the way her kisses taste maybe like coffee, and that pencil she chews on sometimes when her thoughts have wondered off. Do not wonder where they go.
At home, you will think about her somewhere across town in a bar with a guy who is everything you are not. You will envision him unfairly, in black and white. Do not picture her laugh, bright as a new penny, at all his bad jokes. The way her legs must look hanging on a bar stool. Do not wonder if she ever thinks about you as more than you are, if she knows that you understand exactly how it feels to be a ghost girl.
You want to take your mind away from it all, but your mind isn’t going anywhere. You will go as far as picturing yourself driving over to her place, just the two of you there in the half-light. Imagine telling her all of your impossible thoughts like--You are so much stronger than you think you are, and sometimes I dream of you as an equation I don’t want to solve. Do not leave your apartment. Fall asleep clutching a graphic novel about superheroes. If only your life was drawn in primary colours too.