Crossing Boundaries (Is Never a Good Idea) (Xander/Niles)
That day replayed in Xander's mind, morning, afternoon, night.
He remembers arriving at Krakenburg filled with anger, wrecking half the training grounds, running away, locking himself in that empty room, leaning his chin on Siegfried's tip, hearing the knocking on the door.
Xander recalls Niles startled expression, laying on the carpet, looking up at him. Hearing him say how he cared. Him refusing to leave, getting up, taking the chair in front of him, and then–
The kiss. Fast, passionate, desperate. The Prince grabbed Niles' head, took the lead, pulled him closer, closer, the other gasped for air. And Xander realized exactly what he was doing.
"Niles, I'm sorry! I didn’t–!"
"My Lord, please, it's me who should be imploring for your mercy."
"No, I should've stopped."
"But you did. I'm the one who overstepped my boundaries and caught you by surprise while you were distraught in the first place. I'll accept any punishment you wish to impose on me, no matter how gruesome."
"Niles..."
No punishment befell the retainer, however. If Niles admitted he had committed a fault, then so did Xander, or at least that's how he felt. He was aware of what they were doing, was aware when he took control of the kiss, a thing that Niles didn't protest and very likely wouldn't have just because it was him.
Xander regretted telling Niles to leave instantly after and not talking to him, because he’s been avoiding the Prince since then, keeping their interactions to the bare necessary. This was the kind of situation that establishing limits to avert. Limits that Xander also trespassed. He had to set things straight.
"Niles, I need to speak with you."
"Yes, my Lord."
"I've noticed you've been acting rather dismissive towards me."
Niles flinches, his face pales. "My apologies, I wasn't aware, I'll pay more attention."
"You weren't aware? Are you sure this behavior of yours has nothing to do with what happened a while ago?"
The retainer stays silent.
"Answer me, Niles."
"I'm sorry, Lord Xander, I can't bring myself to look you in the eye after– what happened a few days ago."
"Is that so? But I told you nothing then, I’m not mad at you, has my attitude shown otherwise?"
"No, bu still, what I did was wrong. I acted on impulse, I just couldn't bear seeing you like that, guess that wasn't the best course of action. You let me go unpunished even though I didn’t apologize properly, and now I’m causing more problems between us."
"Niles, I'm glad you understand what your actions implied, but you shouldn't chastise yourself like this. I didn’t consider it a serious fault; besides, you never forced me, and you just made it clear your intentions weren't malicious. I could have stopped you before it went further too, but I didn't. I must admit that I suddenly– found myself needing it?" It was embarrassing for Xander to say it, but Niles has already seen him during his worst, there was nothing much to hide from him. "I think you weren't the only one acting on impulse."
Niles appears rightfully shocked at Xander’s words, waiting for him to continue, not sure what to answer himself.
“I just want this to be clear between this, I don’t want you to feel guilty or uncomfortable around me over this. It was a mistake on my part thinking that ignoring the issue and pretending nothing happened would be the correct thing to do. I should’ve talked to you that moment instead of telling you to leave.”
“Lord Xander, now you’re the one that’s chastising yourself, I don’t deserve this much from much you.”
“Of course, you do, though I had my doubts in the beginning you’ve turned out to be an excellent soldier, you’ve been nothing but loyal to my brother. You’ve been caring for me, even though you’re not my retainer.”
“Please, that’s enough. Knowing that I’ve been able to serve you properly is all I need, I owe your family my life, after all.”
“I appreciate the sentiment. And for that reason, I hope we can leave this incident in the past, what’s more, I ask that you speak out the next time something like this happens.”
“I will, and thank you, Lord Xander. I’m still sorry for causing you grieve too.”
“No need to worry about that. If everything is clear now, you may go.”
“Yes, my Lord, thank you again.” Niles bows and goes away.
Watching the bowman’s retreating back, Xander couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something still bothering him, but he couldn’t point out what. There would be time for that, he thinks, there would be time for that.