The first time Holtz says it, Erin is sitting at the kitchen table trying to feed a spoonful of mashed carrots to Julia to no avail.
“I’m going to wife you so hard one day.”
Erin tears her eyes away from the high chair and looks over to Holtz, wondering if she was supposed to have heard that. Holtz isn’t known for her spectacular brain-to-mouth filter. But the engineer is kicked back in her chair with an easy smile on her face.
“What?” Erin says, just in case she heard her wrong.
Holtz swings her feet down from the table and comes to take the spoon from Erin. She holds it out to Julia. The baby closes her mouth around it instantly, which makes Erin’s eyes narrow. She’s beginning to think she does it on purpose.
Then Holtz hands the spoon back to Erin, leans down to press a kiss to her temple, and repeats very matter-of-factly: “I’m going to marry the hell out of you, Gilbert.” Then she heads off down the hall to the bathroom. “By the way, you have poop on your cheek,” she calls cheerfully over her shoulder.
Erin swipes at her face, hoping Holtz is messing with her. No such luck. She wipes her cheek off with a baby wipe from the tub beside her, and stares down the hallway where Holtz has disappeared to. Thinking.
***
“I don’t know if she was being serious, but it’s stressing me out.” Erin fiddles with her hands, not looking up.
“Do you think she was?” Dr. McKinnon asks, staring intently at Erin.
Erin meets the gaze of her therapist. “I don’t know,” she repeats.
“Do you want her to be?”
Erin hesitates. “I don’t know.” She wishes she had something more to say than those three words.
“You love her,” Dr. McKinnon says, seeking confirmation.
“Yes,” Erin replies automatically.
“You want to spend the rest of your life with her.”
“Yes.”
The psychologist stares into Erin’s soul. “So what’s stressing you out about this?”
Erin thinks. Her gaze runs along the bookshelf at the back of the office. She nearly has the shelf memorized. She’s been coming once a week since Julia was born. It was Holtz who convinced her to go, when she spotted the warning signs of postpartum depression. It only took a few sessions for both Erin and Dr. McKinnon to realize that it wasn’t the baby that was causing it.
“The prospect of her not being serious terrifies me. The idea that she actually does want to marry me also terrifies me, but not as much. I’m still…waiting. For…”
“Her to leave,” Dr. McKinnon finishes. She’s heard this before.
Erin nods. It’s been an ever-present fear since the baby was born. Before the baby was born, even. She recalls the months she laid on the couch in Holtzmann’s lab during her pregnancy and worried about what was going to happen next. Even after they were officially together, she continued to stress. There’s something about the haphazard, backwards way that they fell in love that has her convinced it can’t last. She’s always been under the impression that she loves Holtz more than Holtz loves her, even though the logical part of her mind says that Holtz wouldn’t still be around if she didn’t.
“She can do better than me,” Erin says quietly.
“Have you considered that she doesn’t want to?” the psychologist replies. “She’s still here, raising your child with you, talking about marriage. I know you didn’t ask my opinion, but it doesn’t sound like she was joking to me.”
Erin nods again. Dr. McKinnon looks at the clock.
“We’re out of time for today, so I’ll let you go. But…you need to talk to her, Erin. Ask her if she was serious. It’s the only way you’ll put your mind at ease. When you come next week, I want to hear that you had a conversation about it. Okay?”
Erin grabs her purse and stands from the armchair. “Okay. See you next week.”
***
Erin arrives at the firehouse later that morning, greets Abby, Patty, and Kevin, and heads upstairs. The first thing she sees when she gets up there is Julia sitting in her playpen with a wrench in her mouth.
“Holtz. Why did you give the baby a wrench?”
The engineer looks up from the wires she’s fiddling with and beams when she sees Erin. She drops her work and comes to kiss Erin hello.
“She took it from me. I had her on my lap and she kept grabbing for it, so I figured she could play with it over there where she won’t touch anything she isn’t supposed to.”
Erin reaches down into the playpen and scoops Julia into her arms. She frowns at the wrench. “Is it clean?”
“It is now,” Holtz cracks.
Erin just sighs. Holtz’ smile disappears when she sees Erin’s face.
“What’s wrong? I’m kidding. I scrubbed it down in the sink with soap before I gave it to her. You’re not mad, are you? I know it’s not the safest thing to play with, but it’s better than most of the things in—”
“I’m not mad.”
Holtz searches Erin’s expression. “You’re lying. Was it something else I did? Did something happen in your appointment?”
Erin shifts Julia to her hip and stares across the lab at nothing in particular. “No.”
“Tell me,” Holtz pleads.
Erin meets Holtz’ panicked gaze. This isn’t where she wanted to have this conversation. “I…were you…the other morning, you said…”
“That I was building a proton pack for Julia? That was a joke. I promise. Well, mostly. I would never give it to her.”
“What about when you said you’re going to marry me? Was that a joke, too?” Erin blurts.
Holtzmann’s expression changes from a frown to a wide grin as comprehension sets in. “Is that what this is about?”
“Answer the question, Holtz.”
“My love, that was as serious as a heart attack.”
“Oh. That’s…I…”
Holtz throws her hand over Erin’s mouth. “Shh, shh, shh. No need to get your knickers in a knot. I haven’t proposed. Yet.” She winks.
Then she drops her hand and strolls back to her worktable, whistling, leaving Erin gaping after her.
***
“Holtz wants to marry me,” Erin says. The words sound weird coming out of her mouth.
“Is that so?” Abby says from beside her. They’re out for a walk with Julia.
Abby’s lack of surprise catches Erin’s attention. Her mouth is twitching slightly. Erin frowns. “Did you know already?”
“No, I…no.”
Abby’s a terrible liar. She always has been. Erin stops walking. “Wait, are you in on it? The proposal, I mean?”
“No. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Erin wants to ask more questions, but she knows Abby won’t actually spill anything. Julia picks that time to throw a meltdown at the stroller stopping, though, so Erin starts walking again to soothe her.
She looks down at the stroller and smiles a little, remembering the memory of Holtz refusing to assemble it prior to Julia’s birth. I’m an engineer. It’ll take me five minutes, she had said. Cut to later, Holtz sitting on the floor surrounded by plastic parts. She had set the instructions on fire to prove a point, so she didn’t even have a fallback. It had taken all afternoon, two beers, some sanding down and reshaping of parts, and half a bottle of superglue, but she had finally got it assembled.
Erin half expects it to fall apart one of these days, but Holtz assures her it’s perfectly sound.
***
Erin’s sitting on the ground on the first floor watching Patty play peek-a-boo with Julia. Now that she’s crawling, upstairs is too dangerous for her. There are too many hazards lying around. Holtz is sad, but she comes downstairs every half hour to visit.
“Do you know anything about this proposal business?” Erin asks casually.
Patty shoots her a look. “Baby, if you think I’m telling you anything, you might want to reconsider.”
“Come on. At least tell me when I can expect it?”
Patty shakes her head. “Not a chance.”
***
Julia says “dada” before she says “mama,” and Erin would be jealous if the look on Holtz’ face wasn’t so priceless. She doesn’t stop talking about it for days. She tells everyone, from Benny the delivery guy to every taxi driver they have.
“Can you say ‘nuclear’?” Holtz coos one day. She’s stretched out on the floor in the living room with Julia while Erin watches from the couch, sipping a cup of tea.
“Holtz. Really?”
She ignores Erin and continues. “Nu-cle-ar. Nu-cle-ar.”
“Dadadada,” Julia babbles.
Holtz beams down at her. “I know; you’ve got that one down. I appreciate it, kiddo. But what about nu-cle-ar? Can you say that for dada?”
She can’t, unsurprisingly. “Worth a shot,” Holtz says, grinning at Erin. She smiles back despite herself, shaking her head.
***
Holtz is objectively the best at reading stories to Julia, something she’s very proud of. She has a slew of funny impressions and voices up her sleeve and she doesn’t hesitate to break them out. She gets so into it. Erin is grateful, because Julia is already getting picky about which books she wants to hear and she always grabs for the same ones. Holtz makes a story that Erin’s heard easily hundreds of times sound exciting and new every time. Erin treasures the stretch of time every night before they go put Julia down for the night.
Her crib is currently in the living room; Erin’s apartment is a one-bedroom. One night, she’s sitting up in bed reading a book, and Holtz has her legs stretched up the headboard and her head in Erin’s lap.
“Erin?”
“Mmm?”
“I want to propose something.”
Erin stiffens, lowering her book to look down at Holtz.
Holtz chuckles. “Not that something. You really think I’m going to ask you to marry me while we’re lying in bed? C’mon, Gilbert.”
“Oh.” Erin relaxes. “Okay. Propose away, then.”
“What would you say if I suggested moving to a bigger place?”
Erin marks her place in her book and sets it on the bedside table. “I’d say I’ve been thinking about it, too. She’s going to need her own room soon.”
Holtz makes a noise of agreement. “Okay. And what would you say if I told you I did something impulsive?”
A pause. “I’d…ask what you did.”
“What would you say if I told you that I bought a place?”
For a few seconds, Erin is stunned, convinced that she heard Holtz wrong. “You…you what?”
Holtz speaks quickly. “I had some money lying around, and I know that real estate is a good investment, and I found the perfect little townhouse, and I know I should’ve consulted you first…and no pressure, at all, if you don’t want to move there then I’ll understand, I just thought that—”
Erin cuts her off by kissing her fiercely. “You bought me a townhouse?” she says when she pulls away.
“I bought us a townhouse,” Holtz corrects. “I feel like I owe it to you. I kinda unofficially moved in here at some point and I’ve been sponging off you without paying rent.”
“Ten months of rent is not the same as buying a townhouse. Oh my gosh, Holtz. This is…overwhelming.”
“Too much?”
“Yes.”
“Would you feel better if I let you split the mortgage with me?”
Erin considers that. “Yeah. I think I would.”
The next day, she stands on the front steps of the townhouse and looks up at it in wonder. It’s everything she could’ve hoped for. She can’t wait to see the inside.
“I had my heart set on carrying you over the threshold,” says Holtz in Erin’s ear, “but not while you’re holding Julia. It’ll just have to wait.”
Erin blushes at that. Holtz unlocks the door, takes Erin’s hand, and pulls her inside.
“Oh, Holtz,” says Erin, a little breathlessly. “It’s perfect.”
***
The opening notes of “Rhythm of the Night” catch Erin’s attention. She looks up from the cutlery drawer she’s filling to see Holtz lip-syncing into a box-cutter and grinning at her. She continues to dance as she slices the box in front of her open. She twirls and shimmies as she lifts a layer of bubble wrap from the top.
It takes Erin all of 30 seconds to join Holtz. “Did you ever think,” she says, “all those months ago, when you danced for me the first time, that we’d end up here?”
Holtz takes her by the hand and spins her. “I hoped.”
***
One day, Holtz brings Julia up to the lab even though she’s not supposed to. By the time Erin realizes and gets up there, Julia is sitting on the floor with an actual proton gun in front of her, smacking it with a screwdriver.
“Holtz, are you serious?” Erin says, running over and prying it from her hand.
The engineer looks up from her work and comes around to squat by Julia. “Oh my God, look at that! She’s a natural! We should buy her one of those little toy science kits. Or let her play up here more often.”
“Don’t encourage her!”
“Interest in science is always to be encouraged. Don’t squash her dreams, Gilbert.”
“I’m just trying to make sure she lives to an age where she can actually pursue her dreams, Holtzmann.”
Holtz ignores her and ruffles Julia’s hair. “How old do you think she needs to be before I can give her a blowtorch?”
“Holtz.”
***
A few days before Julia turns 11 months, it’s their one-year anniversary. Abby and Patty take Julia for the night, and something about their knowing smiles gives Erin a dippy feeling in her stomach. She’s almost positive that Holtz is going to propose tonight.
“Get dressed as nice as you dare, and I’ll pick you up at 6:00,” Holtz says.
“Holtz, we live tog—”
She’s cut off by Holtz pressing a finger to her lip and winking.
Sure enough, just before 6:00 she hears the front door open and close. At 6:00 on the dot, the doorbell rings. Erin shakes her head as she goes to answer it. When she pulls the door open, Holtz is standing there on the steps with a bouquet of lilies, Erin’s favourite.
“You look beautiful,” she says, pressing the flowers into Erin’s hand and pulling her in for a deep kiss.
When she releases her, she steps back to admire Erin’s dress. It’s white and flowy, with a hint of sparkle. “Nice dress. Very…bridal. You trying to hint at something?”
“I—”
Holtz silences her with another kiss. When they break apart, Erin is out of breath. “You look nice, too,” she says, fingering the dark purple fabric of Holtz’ blazer.
Holtz grins. “This old thing?”
“So where are we going?” Erin says.
Holtz pushes past her into the townhouse and pulls the door shut behind her. “We’re not going anywhere.”
Erin frowns. “Then why are we dressed up?”
Holtz ignores her and sets to work filling a vase for the flowers. Once she’s done, she takes Erin’s hand and tugs her through the townhouse.
When they reach the roof, Erin understands. There are fairy lights strung up everywhere, illuminating the space, and Holtz has somehow rigged them to blink and ripple in time with the music that’s softly playing. In the middle of it all: the couch. The floral couch from Holtz’ lab that started it all.
“Holtz,” Erin says, a lump growing in her throat, “How did you—I didn’t even know you still had that.”
“As if I could ever get rid of it.” She kisses Erin. “It’s been in storage.”
She leads Erin over to the couch and they take a seat. Erin feels the familiar fibres under her fingers as Holtz pops a bottle of champagne and pours her a flute. Erin sips at it, letting the bubbles settle on her tongue. Holtz unpacks Chinese takeout from a bag on the ground and soon they’re eating.
“Lots of memories on this couch,” Holtz comments as she bites the end off an eggroll. “Remember when Abby and Patty found out you were pregnant?” They both snicker at the memory, and how angry they had been.
“Remember when you wanted to name the baby Quenby?” Erin says.
Holtz laughs. “I never really did. I just wanted to make you laugh.”
“It worked.”
“I know.”
They’re silent for a bit, remembering.
“You kissed me on this couch,” Erin says.
“Best decision I’ve ever made. Aside from volunteering to go find you, the day you found out you were pregnant and had locked yourself in the bathroom.”
“Do you ever think about what life would be like if that never happened? If I had never gone out to that bar? If you had never found me first?”
“Life’s too short for what-ifs,” Holtz says simply. “It happened, and I’m forever grateful it did. Even if it hadn’t, we would’ve ended up together anyway.”
“You think?”
“Yeah. We just wouldn’t have Julia. But we were meant to be together.”
Then their plates of food are abandoned on the ground, and Holtz’ mouth is on Erin’s and her hands are tangled in her hair and they’re moving together on that beautiful ratty couch, and Erin thinks that Holtz must be right.
After, when they’re dressed again, and Erin’s wearing Holtz’ purple blazer over her dress because it’s gotten chilly, they pick up their forgotten plates of food and eat the rest.
“This isn’t as good cold,” Erin complains.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Holtz says, cold noodles hanging from her mouth.
“Gross.”
Holtz finishes first and slides off the couch. Erin gives up on her food and stares overhead at the stars, which are more visible than usual tonight. When she looks back, Holtz is on one knee in front of the couch, watching her.
“Holtz,” Erin chokes. Her heart is beating so fast.
“Erin,” Holtz says. A smile splits her face. “My dear, sweet, beautiful Erin. Will you…pass me your plate if you’re done?”
Erin’s mouth falls open. “You…you…” she splutters.
Holtz grins and takes Erin’s plate, depositing it into the empty takeout bag with her own. “Go ahead, call me whatever is going through your head. If you have the guts.”
“You asshole,” Erin finishes. Then she immediately flushes and regrets it.
Holtz cracks up. “So the list of things that will get you to swear now consists of: annoying you while you’re giving birth, and tricking you into thinking I’m proposing. Excellent. You learn something new every day.”
Later, they head back downstairs. They should probably make better use of having an empty place for the night, but they’re both content to just go to sleep. They curl up in bed together.
“I love you,” Erin says against Holtz’ neck.
Holtz kisses her head. “I love you. I’m sorry about earlier.”
She thinks that maybe Erin has fallen asleep when she doesn’t reply. Then, a few minutes later, her voice riddled with sleepiness: “I really thought it would be tonight.”
Holtz laughs quietly, musically. “Soon.”
It’s the last thing Erin hears before drifting off.
***
Holtzmann is relentless. It’s starting to drive Erin crazy, but in a good way.
“How do you feel about flash mobs? For the proposal?” she says one morning, while they’re cooking breakfast. She flips over the bacon in the pan and points her flipper at Erin. “Or ooh, what about a kiss cam at a sporting event?”
Erin doesn’t even look up from the fruit she’s cutting up for Julia. “I think if you do one of those things, there’s a pretty good chance I’ll say no.” She knows Holtz is kidding, but the thought of this being a big spectacle terrifies her. She hates attention. One time she cried when her friends told a waitress it was her birthday and the whole restaurant sang.
She doesn’t hear Holtz put down the flipper until she’s standing behind Erin with her hands wrapped around her waist and her face pressed into Erin’s hair. “I can tell you’re worrying,” she says, her voice muffled. “Do you think I don’t know you at all?”
***
For Julia’s first birthday, they throw a small party at the firehouse, just the five of them. Patty goes all out with the decorations and orders a beautiful cake. She also presents Erin and Holtz with a miniature ghostbusters jumpsuit that she had someone make. They put it on Julia and Erin can’t stop laughing at how cute it is. Holtz just cackles.
“This is going to go so perfectly with my present,” she says.
That gets a wary glance from Erin.
“Please tell me you didn’t build a weapon for her.”
“I didn’t build a weapon for her,” Holtz says, but there’s a twinkle in her eye.
After they unwrap Kevin’s present (a bottle of wine—turns out he thought it was Erin’s birthday), and Abby’s present (a frightening number of new toys and books that Erin isn’t sure they have the space for, even in the roomy townhouse), it’s time to unbox whatever Holtz has procured.
When Erin gets the box open, she looks down at the contents, then glares at Holtz.
“It’s not what it looks like!” says Holtz.
“You mean it’s not,” Erin lifts the gift up, “a tiny proton pack?”
“Okay, yes. But it’s not functional. It’s a toy!”
Erin examines the pack, which is made of plastic instead of metal. She pushes a few buttons experimentally and each one does something different—makes the back light up red, makes a noise. There are also dials to turn and switches to flip and the gun itself is made of silicon so it’ll be perfect for Julia to chew on. She looks at Holtz, who has an expectant look on her face.
“This is…really cute, actually.”
She passes the toy to Julia and she immediately starts pounding on buttons with her fists and laughing. Holtz crawls over the pile of toys and kisses Erin, then kisses the top of Julia’s head.
Later, after they’ve cut the cake and let Julia smash her face into a piece of it, Holtz stands and clears her throat for a toast.
“I’d like to propose—” she pauses to wink at Erin— “a toast to the beautiful, incredible woman sitting in front of me. A year ago you were the most badass person on the planet, and you did something that still brings a tear to my eye when I think about it. Not the part where you kicked labour’s butt, although that was amazing too, but the part where you gifted this world with the most perfect tiny human in existence. I never thought…” She sucks in air, her voice starting to sound stilted as she stumbles over her words. “I never thought that I’d have a family, and I really never thought I’d have a family like this. Erin, you’ve…you’ve made me happier than I ever thought I could be. I didn’t think it was possible to love someone as much as I love you. And when Julia was born…well, it turns out I can love two people that much. So thank you. I love both of you more than words can express. Thank you. To Erin.” She hurriedly sits down.
“To Erin,” everyone echoes. Erin doesn’t even hear them. She’s looking at Holtz with tears swimming in her eyes. Everybody else may as well not be there, even Julia.
“If you don’t propose soon, I just might,” she says finally.
Everyone laughs at that, and Holtz grins and kicks back in her chair with her arms behind her head.
***
Erin wakes one morning to someone poking her cheek. She opens her eyes and stares blearily up at Holtz, who is standing beside the bed with Julia in her arms.
“Look!”
Erin blinks a few times. Then she sees.
Julia’s hair is fluffed and twisted up into a mini Holtzmann-‘do, complete with tiny yellow goggles.
“I’ve been waiting so long for this moment, and her hair is finally long enough!” Holtz is beaming like this is the best thing she’s ever done.
Erin pulls herself into a seated position and takes Julia into her lap. She runs her finger along the tiny goggles. “Where did you—”
“Made ‘em!” Holtz says with glee.
Erin looks back up at her. “This is the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.” She hooks her hand around the back of Holtz’ neck and pulls her down for a kiss.
***
Julia takes her first steps in the firehouse, with everyone standing around her and shouting encouragements. Pretty soon she’s toddling all over the place, wreaking havoc and getting into trouble. Despite there being no blood relation, she’s turning into a miniature Holtz. She never sits still, she’s always touching dangerous things, and she never stops smiling while doing it.
Okay, the last one is pretty cute.
But the rest of it is enough to make Erin lose her mind. “Does she ever run out of batteries?” she groans one evening as Julia wobbles around the living room.
“I think she’s solar powered,” Holtz replies with a grin. She follows Julia into the kitchen, where she yanks open the bottom drawer and starts pulling every single piece of Tupperware onto the floor.
“We need to move those to a higher drawer.”
Holtz crouches and balances a lid on Julia’s head. “Would you rather she play with the frying pans?” She puts a large container on top of her own head like a hat, and Julia bursts into peals of laughter.
Despite her frustration and fatigue, Erin smiles.
After Julia’s been put down for the night, they sit in the living room, Erin practically falling asleep on Holtz’ shoulder.
Holtz kisses the top of her head. “We should hire a babysitter and go out to dinner tomorrow night. We need some us-time.”
“Yes, please.”
***
Erin checks her phone for the hundredth time.
“You gotta stop worrying, Er. She’s fine.”
“I know, I know.” It’s their first time leaving Julia with someone who isn’t Abby or Patty.
“You need a distraction,” Holtz says. She plucks the straw from Erin’s water along with her own and wedges them in her mouth like walrus tusks.
“Holtz,” Erin hisses. “This is a classy establishment.”
“Is it?” The straws garble her words.
It is. It’s not black-tie fancy, but it’s fancy enough that Erin was surprised when Holtz picked it. She’s not even sure how she got reservations. She must’ve had them for a while.
Their food comes, and for a second Erin looks down at her plate, then at Holtz, then around the restaurant. Something about this dinner seems suspicious.
“What?”
“I’m not in danger of accidentally swallowing a ring, am I?”
Holtz bursts into laugher so loud that several other patrons glare their way. “As if I’d ever go that route,” she says finally when she regains her composure. She continues to chuckle as she starts eating her own meal. “I may be dangerous, but not choking-hazard dangerous.”
“Noted,” Erin says.
They finish their meal. Erin, a little giggly from wine, hasn’t obsessively checked her phone in nearly half an hour. Holtz pays and as she does, Erin catches a glimpse of the photo she keeps in her wallet. It was taken by Abby a few days after Julia’s birth. In it, Erin’s sitting in the firehouse, holding Julia in her arms and looking at her adoringly, and Holtz is standing behind them with her hands on Erin’s shoulders and peering down with a wide smile on her face. It’s still one of Erin’s favourite photos of the three of them.
As they step out into the night, Erin’s phone rings. She answers it without even checking who it is. “Hello?” Her voice is panicked. Holtz’ arm tightens around her waist.
It’s Abby’s voice in her ear, not the babysitter’s. “We have a ghost emergency. You need to come, NOW.”
On the other end of the line, there’s the sound of something breaking. “Oh my gosh. Okay. Where are you?”
“The firehouse. It’s here.” More crashing. Erin winces into the receiver. “I’ve already called Patty. Hurry!”
The line goes dead. “What’s wrong? Is it Julia?” Holtz says, anxiety colouring her voice.
“It was Abby. There’s a ghost at headquarters,” Erin says, and they’re already running.
***
The building is eerily quiet.
“Okay. I have no idea where it went, so we need to split up and try to find it. If anyone finds it, yell.” Abby’s eyes dart around the room. It’s clear that the ghost was here. Papers are strewn about and there’s broken glass on the ground.
Patty nods. “You can search down here. Holtzy and I will sweep the second floor. Erin, why don’t you check the roof.”
Erin holds her handheld proton pistol tightly as she makes her way to the roof. She has a horrible feeling she’s going to be the one to find the ghost. And get slimed, although that goes without saying. She sighs, looking down at the navy dress she’s wearing. They didn’t have time to suit up. It’s going to be ruined if even a drop of ectoplasm hits it.
The roof appears to be quiet. She creeps around, watching for movement in the shadows. Then, something in the distance catches her attention. She wanders over to the edge of the roof, looking out at the sight in front of her. Her mouth falls open.
“Come here often?”
She whirls around at the sound of the husky voice behind her. Holtz is leaning against the doorframe of the stairs, her arms crossed across her chest and a sultry grin on her face. Erin’s so surprised that she drops her gun.
Holtz’ smile changes to a frown. “Hey. Careful. I love that thing more than I love you.” Erin stares at her in horror, but Holtz grins again. “Kidding. As if.”
She crosses the roof to join Erin at the edge. She places one hand on the small of Erin’s back and pulls her so she’s looking out at the city again.
All Erin can do is stare with watery eyes as she takes in the lights on the buildings spelling out not I HEART GB but something so much better.
MARRY ME?
Below that, a winky face.
“There’s no ghost, is there,” Erin says, her throat dry.
“Nope,” Holtz replies, her lips popping on the P. Erin turns to look at her, and she only has time to register the smirk before Holtz is sliding down to one knee and pulling a small box out of her pocket.
“Erin. Beautiful, kind, smart, lovely, dorky, wonderful Erin. The love of my life, the apple of my eye, the proton to my electron, the—”
“Holtz, get on with it,” Erin says breathlessly.
One of Holtz’ blinding smiles envelopes her face. “You sure? I could stay here for a while. I’m pretty comfy.”
“Holtz.”
“I lied. My knee’s starting to get sore.”
“Holtzmann.”
“Alriiight. Erin, would you do me the extraordinary honour of letting me marry you?”
Erin pulls Holtz to her feet and kisses the life out of her. “I literally thought you’d never ask.”
“Was that a yes?” Abby’s voice interrupts them.
“I don’t know. I couldn’t hear,” Patty replies.
Erin breaks apart from Holtz and looks over to see Abby and Patty standing by the stairs. “That was a yes,” she says, before pulling Holtz towards her once more.
***
Erin is lying in bed fiddling with the silver band around her finger and thinking too much when Holtz calls her name from downstairs with an urgency that can only mean something’s wrong. She skitters down the stairs and stops dead when she sees the scene in front of her.
Julia’s dancing.
In the little knee-bobbing way that small children do. Holtz stands over her with an expression that could cure cancer.
“She was watching me dance and then she joined in!”
She remembers that she stopped dancing to watch, and starts up again. Erin comes and joins them, and they dance together as a family, giggling and smiling and in Erin’s case, forgetting.
***
“I can’t help but notice the new jewelry. Congratulations.” Dr. McKinnon says this before Erin’s even taken a seat.
Her face reddens. “Thank you.”
“How are you?”
Erin thinks about it. Ever since Holtz bought the townhouse, Erin’s only been coming to therapy every two weeks. The past several sessions she’s had little to talk about because she’s been so happy. She mostly used the sessions to complain about how tiring Julia is. Now, though…
“I’m…okay.”
“Just okay?”
Erin nods. She fiddles with her ring some more. It’s become a physical manifestation of her anxiety. “Now that we’re…engaged…” She pauses, the word hovering in the air, “I keep worrying that she’s going to come to her senses and realize what she’s committing to.”
“Committing to you, you mean?”
“Me, Julia, all of it. Marriage is a big deal. Half of them end badly. I’m just…scared.”
“You need to stop playing the what-if game, Erin.”
Erin has a flash of Holtz saying the same thing to her, the night of their anniversary. “I know,” she says. “I know.”
***
“Holtz?”
“Mmm?” She’s lying face down across the foot of their bed. She’s not even sure why.
“Can we…can you sit up?”
Holtz lifts her head to look at Erin. She’s sitting against the headboard with her knees pulled into her chest. She has that look on her face, the one that means she’s either having a panic attack or overthinking something. Holtz immediately sits up and crawls over to her, putting her hand on Erin’s back and rubbing in small circles.
“What’s wrong?”
“What if we don’t make it?”
Holtz frowns, trying to understand. “What do you mean?”
“Half of all marriages end in divorce.”
Holtz freezes. “Do you think ours is going to? Because if you’re already thinking about divorce, maybe we—”
“No, no, I’m not. I mean I am, but no. I want to be with you forever. I’m just worried that you…that you might…”
Holtzmann finishes her sentences a lot of the time. Erin hopes maybe she will this time too. She doesn’t. “Spit it out, Gilbert.”
“I’m worried you’re going to realize you rushed into this and you can do better, and you’ll leave me,” Erin says this very quickly and squeezes her eyes shut. She winces like she knows Holtz is going to be mad.
Holtz isn’t mad though, she’s astonished. “You…you really think that?”
Erin nods, her eyes still shut. She jumps when Holtz is kissing her suddenly, furiously.
“You’re a scientist,” Holtz says when she pulls away.
“Yes?” Erin replies, confused.
“You know what kind of scientist ignores all evidence to jump to her own conclusions? A bad one. And you, Dr. Erin Gilbert, are no bad scientist. You’re better than this.”
“I know.” Erin promptly bursts into tears.
Holtz runs her hand through Erin’s hair, sponges the tears from her face with her sleeve. “What have I done that has given you any indication that I’m not in this for the long run? Tell me, so I can stop doing it.”
“Nothing really…I’m just irrational, and I…I don’t know. It all happened so fast, and we did things so out of order. I got pregnant, and then we fell in love, and then we moved in together, and then we got engaged…”
“I was in love with you long before you got pregnant.”
That makes Erin cry harder. “You were?”
“Duh. Besides, doing things the traditional way is no fun. I’ve never been a very traditional person.”
Finally, that makes Erin laugh. “That’s for sure.” She contemplates for a few seconds, then something occurs to her. “If you don’t believe in doing things traditionally, why are we getting married? That’s like, the epitome of being traditional. You’re not doing it just for me, are you?”
“Jesus, Gilbert. Self-centredness doesn’t look good on you,” Holtz teases. “No, my love, I’m not marrying you just to make you happy. I would in a heartbeat, but I’m not. I’m just really attached to the idea of a little piece of paper that says you’re stuck with me until we’re in a nursing home and you’re yelling at me for making modifications to your motorized scooter.”
Erin giggles, the tears drying into tracks on her cheeks. “What kind of modifications?”
“You’ll just have to wait and see.”
Holtz rests her head into the crook of Erin’s neck and they sit silently, listening to each other breathe.
“I love you,” Erin says finally.
“I love you more. Does this mean the wedding’s back on?”
“It was never off.”
“Good. And for the record? I can’t do any better than you, nor do I want to.”
***
“Mom, I’m getting married.”
A long pause.
“That one was good! Your voice shook less that time,” Holtz says. She flashes thumbs up at Erin, who’s sitting cross-legged on the couch with her phone in her lap.
“I feel like I’m going to throw up,” Erin admits.
Holtz grins. “Do I need to break out the ole Barf Bucket?”
“You still have that?”
“Nah. I incinerated it.”
Erin sighs. “What if I just didn’t tell them? I could save myself the heartbreak.”
“Orrrr you could miss out on one hell of a reunion. Maybe they’ll finally agree to meet Julia.”
“Only one way to find out,” Erin says. She stares at the phone in her hand, takes a deep breath, and dials.
“You got this. I love you,” Holtz says as it rings.
“Hi, Mom. It’s me. Erin. It’s Erin.” She shoots a glance at Holtz. The sight of her encouraging face calms Erin. “I’ve been good. How are you? Mmm…oh, that’s…uh huh. Well, I actually had a reason for calling. I have something to tell you.” She pauses and takes another full breath in. “I’m getting married…yeah, you heard right…no, not to—he doesn’t know about her…yeah, still.” Erin’s eyes dart to Julia playing on the floor in front of the couch. “I don’t have any interest in…I don’t need him, Mom. I’m doing just fine, and I told you, I’m getting married…it’s um, it’s not…it’s not a guy…I am! I’m engaged to the love of my life, who happens to be a woman. Her name is Hol—Jillian. Jillian Holtzmann. She works with me. She’s one of the Gh—”
Erin is cut off by shouting so loud that Holtz can hear it through the phone. She listens to it, face contorting, until Holtz reaches out and snatches the phone. “Hello, Mrs. Gilbert. This is Dr. Jillian Holtzmann, aforementioned love of Erin’s life. Your daughter is the most incredible woman I’ve ever met, and I will not allow you to hurt her or our family any more. Screw you.” Then she hangs up the phone and drops it in her lap. There’s silence for a few seconds.
“It turns out,” Erin says, her voice strangely calm, not crying, not even blinking, “that my parents are slightly more traditional than you are, Holtz.”
Holtz says nothing, but pulls Erin in against her chest, holding her tightly. She starts shaking and heaving in Holtz’ arms. “Shh, shh. It’s okay. It’ll be okay. We can elope. We can—”
A loud noise escapes from Erin and Holtz looks down, confused. Then she realizes that Erin is laughing, not crying. She wonders if this is finally her breaking point.
“I guess,” Erin chokes out as her hysteria mounts, “me marrying the ghost-fighting woman who’s helping me raise the baby that I had from a drunken one-night stand was just one too many things for her to cope with.”
Holtz’ lips twitch up in a smile. “I think it was the ghost-fighting part that pushed her over the edge, by the sounds of it.”
“I think you’re right.”
Soon the two of them are laughing so hard they’re crying. After they calm down enough to put Julia to bed (well past her bed time, but she doesn’t seem to mind) they reconvene on the couch and put on a movie that neither of them are really interested in watching.
“Were you serious about eloping?” Erin says. Holtz is lying with her head in her lap while Erin pulls bobby pins from Holtz’ hair. It’s a nighttime ritual.
“Mhm. If that’s what you want.”
“Abby and Patty would kill us,” Erin muses.
Holtz beams up at her. “They would.”
“We don’t have any other friends though. Or family. Nobody to invite to a proper wedding.”
“Kevin.”
“Kevin’s not enough to fill a church.”
Holtz wrinkles her nose. “You want to get married in a church?”
“I always thought I would…but you’re right, it doesn’t seem like my style now.”
“Mine neither.” Holtz snorts. “So what are we going to do?”
“We’ll think of something.”
***
The answer comes easier than they expect.
Erin takes care walking up the steps of the firehouse. The last thing she needs right now is to trip and fall. In front of her, Abby watches her carefully, Julia propped on her hip.
“You ready?” Abby asks when they reach the top.
Erin nods.
On the roof, Holtz fidgets with her silk scarf necktie. She’s wearing a real, proper suit tonight, but with little Holtzmann touches. The necktie, but also the mismatched socks pulled up to her knees that Erin will discover later. Her nicest pair of goggles are perched on her head, too.
“Stop playing with that. You look great,” Patty says, hitting her lightly on the arm.
“I know,” Kevin replies. He’s bouncing in his shiny shoes like Julia does when she gets excited about something. He’s been like this ever since Holtz asked him to be her best man.
Holtz smiles. “Kev, your confidence is astounding, as always. Keep it up, buddy.”
The door to the stairs opens and Abby pokes her head out. “Are you guys ready out there?”
“Ready, Freddie!” Holtz flashes her a thumbs up.
Abby disappears again. A few seconds later, the door swings open and she emerges with Julia. They walk hand-in-hand down the imaginary aisle: Abby in a knee-length purple dress she picked out and Julia in her tiny ghostbusters uniform (“Much more adorable—and practical—than a dress!” Holtz had said).
“Cutest flower girl ever,” Holtz coos, bending down to catch Julia when she reaches her. She spins her around in the air before passing her off to Abby, who takes her place on the other side of Patty.
On the other side of the door, Erin stands with her hand on the doorknob, hyperventilating. She doesn’t recognize this kind of panic. It’s not the kind that plagues her with panic attacks and deep spirals of worry. This is a mix of terrified and excited. The last time she felt anything close to this was when she went into labour. She remembers the way Holtz had danced around the firehouse with joy, and the image is enough to make her push the door open.
As she steps out onto the roof, the first thing she registers is the music. Holtz was in charge of tunes, and had thrown together an eclectic playlist of pop music through the decades. Erin doesn’t recognize the bouncy song currently playing, but it’s about as far from a wedding march as possible. It’s perfect.
Then, she sees Holtz.
The expression on her face is like nothing Erin’s seen before. She thought she’d seen every expression that Holtz was capable of making. She’s seen her introduce prized inventions, see a ghost for the first time, deliver emotionally-charged speeches. She’s seen her pre-, during-, and post-sex. She’s seen her propose. She’s even seen the look on Holtz’ face when Erin brought their daughter into the world. Holtz has looked at her a thousand different times in a thousand different ways.
Never like this.
She’s not even smiling. She’s staring, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide. She’s staring like she’s just unlocked the secret to the universe. Like she could spend the rest of her life staring, and it wouldn’t be enough.
It’s enough to make Erin freeze and stumble. Her face turns a deep red. She smooths down the dress that she bought off the rack at a discount wedding dress store, the one that fit her so perfectly it’s like it was made for her. Her eyes dart to Abby, who looks proud and encouraging, then to Patty, who’s grinning ear-to-ear, and then back to Holtz. Slowly, a smile creeps its way onto her face, tugging the corners of her mouth in slow motion until she’s beaming with a smile so brilliant that it nearly knocks Erin off her feet.
She doesn’t realize she’s moving again until she’s at Holtz’ side. She has no bouquet, so she takes Holtz’ hands in hers immediately.
“Speechless?” Erin jokes.
Holtz tilts her head side to side, not taking her eyes off Erin’s face. “No, there just aren’t words that currently exist in the English language that can accurately express how I feel right now.”
“You could invent some,” Erin suggests. “You’re good at inventing.”
“I am, aren’t I?”
Erin leans in to kiss her, but she smacks her face against a book instead.
“You’re not allowed to do that yet,” Patty says, dropping the temporary barricade. “There are actual things I need to make you guys say first. My credentials may not seem serious, but I am.”
Everyone laughs. She isn’t taking her role lightly. She got ordained online almost immediately after they asked her, and she’s been rehearsing her lines every day since then.
They don’t have any real vows. When it’s Holtz’ turn to speak, she cracks a dozen jokes until Erin is gasping with laughter. Then Erin tries to get through her prepared speech, but she’s so giggly that she only gets partway through before she gives up. Patty tries to make them be serious for the ‘I do’ part, but it’s a lost cause as soon as Holtz says “hell yep” instead. When Patty finally rolls her eyes and says to “just kiss each other already,” Holtz kicks her leg in the air and dances in place a little before Erin reaches out and pulls her in impatiently.
It was a perfect ceremony, everyone agrees as they tumble down the stairs later (after the papers were signed and Holtz did a victory lap around the roof brandishing them over her head). They order pizzas and sit around the table downstairs eating and sipping champagne from plastic flutes. While Erin cuts up a slice into tiny pieces for Julia, she happens to glance up and see Holtz watching her with her chin propped in her hands and an adoring smile on her face. She mouths ‘I love you’ when Erin meets her gaze.
There’s no official first dance. One minute, they’re finishing their last bites of pizza, and the next minute they’re all letting loose in the middle of the firehouse. Holtz dances with so much enthusiasm that Erin’s sure she’s going to injure herself.
Julia tires quickly. Erin excuses herself from the party to take her upstairs and put her to bed in the playpen up there. She falls asleep within seconds of being placed down. Erin stands there, looking down at her, smiling.
She doesn’t hear the footsteps on the stairs, so she jumps a little when Holtz’ arms wrap around her waist.
“Hey, wifey,” Holtz says.
Erin turns to face her, her smile widening. “How long have you been waiting to say that?”
“So long. You have no idea how good it feels.”
Erin tweaks her nose. “Dork.”
“I’m legally your dork, now,” Holtz cackles. “You’re gonna have to put up with me forever.”
“That won’t be hard,” Erin replies, kissing her.
“So what do you think so far? Is marriage everything you expected?”
Erin turns back to face Julia and leans her head against Holtz’. “No. It’s better.”