Chapter 5
More often than not, a night out ended up like that - with Clarke passed out on the couch and Lexa debating whether she would live to regret that night or not. Although, she didn't mind taking care of the blonde, it was the fact that Clarke seemed to disregard everything and make sure she ended up like that. They had talked about it many times, Lexa had tried to talk about it, but every time the subject of the blonde's behaviour came up, she put up a wall. Normally the green-eyed girl could get around that. After all the years of turning to substitutes for distraction Lexa knew what desperation look like, even when it didn't have a face, she could detect the smallest of changes, particularly in her best friend. Which was why she had continued to try and understand where the blonde's lack of care for herself came from. In all other aspects of life Clarke took extremely good care of herself and made sure others did so as well, but all of that would evaporate once they had a night out.
Lexa couldn´t wrap her mind around it and her gut hinted that she wouldn't want to do so.
With a sigh the green-eyed girl took another step into the living room, those eyes fixed at the blonde laid sloppily over the couch partly on her stomach. Even like that, drunk and miserable, she was the most beautiful thing Lexa had ever laid eyes on. When Raven came over to stand next to her, eyes fixed at the blonde as well, Lexa didn't bother to look away. Too tired to hide the emotion burning in her gaze. Or just aware of the fact that her features were hard to see in that dimmed light.
“Do you want some help with her?”, Raven asked, and Lexa shook her head slowly.
“It´s okay. I got it”. She could feel Raven shifting were she stood and once she looked over to her, a dark brown gaze met her. It was the way Raven looked at her that made her cheeks flash ever so slightly. Instead of commenting on it, the brown eyed girl only turned her attention back to the blonde. They stood there for a while, until Raven nudged her shoulder and went back the way she came. Sometimes Lexa got the impression that the brown eyed girl knew. Perhaps not the full extent of things, but enough to understand that bringing it up to the surface would only cause Lexa pain.
“Hey Raven”, she called after the other girl who stopped in her tracks and turned around. “I like her”.
Octavia had truly made a good impression and Lexa could see why her friend had fallen for her.
“I do too”, Raven admitted while blushing. The brown eyed girl waved her goodbye, leaving Lexa once more with the blonde still passed out on the couch.
Love is weakness, she reminded herself. Loving her was asking for misery.
Lexa wandered over to the couch, careful not to step on any cups or empty bottles. Once she stood by the blonde's side she could feel her heart; how it beat a little harder. It caused her cheeks to flush red and in that moment, she didn't care too much about it considering the fact that no one was around, and the other girl was totally out of it. Lexa laid her hands on the blonde's back and carefully shook her. There was no reaction, so she pulled away the blonde curls covering that scrunched up face of her best friend and shook her once more.
“Fuck off”, the blonde mumbled with a breath heavy with alcohol.
Lexa laughed quietly while hooking her arms under the blonde's arms. “You're living up to your party animal reputation”. With a little struggle she got the blonde to let herself be lifted, she grunted of course, but Lexa didn't bother with it as she lifted the other girl of the couch and then instructed her to lean her weight on her.
She made dragged the blonde hastily to the car, very well aware of the fact that the blonde was going to fall back asleep the moment they stopped for more than seconds on their way out. She was right because as soon as she had helped Clarke into the car, who mumbled something about not being that drunk, the blonde fell right back asleep.
The car ride back to the Griffin´s household was quiet and Lexa even dared to look over at the sleeping girl in her passenger seat. For a second or two she convinced herself that it was enough. That their friendship was enough even though her heart wanted more. She would simply have to teach her heart not to feel for her. At least not in the way it did.
She pulled the car into parking at the street outside the Clarke's house like she had earlier that night. Only this time with her heart thumping in a melody she needed to cease and the taste of another woman's kiss on her lips. She shut of the engine and waited for the blonde to wake up, even though the possibility of that happening was slim. Perhaps what she really wanted was to pause reality for a little longer than what was considered healthy in Lexa's book.
When the blonde didn't seem to wake up, several minutes after they'd stopped, Lexa leaned over to the passenger seat and shook her awake once more.
“What?”, Clarke asked as she peered out from under heavy eyelids.
“We're home”. It was so easy for Lexa to say it and it almost demolished the pain that shot through her body when she didn't allow herself to reach out and brush back a strand of blonde hair that had fallen down over the girl´s face in the process of sitting back up properly.
It took them a good ten minutes to get inside the house; with Clarke supporting herself on Lexa every step of the way. Lexa stopped right inside the door, one foot still out of it and her heart singing loudly in her chest.
“I should go”, she said, argued with her own desire to stay and make sure the blonde got into bed safely.
Clarke's head jerked up where she was sitting on the stars trying to get her shoes of. ”Can’t you stay?”, she asked with a hoarse voice.
“Clarke-”.
“It's goddamn four in the morning”, the blonde interrupted and Lexa sighed. It was late and she would have rather stayed than driven back to an empty house all by herself.
She bit her lip and let her heart sing a little louder, just enough for her to give in to the possibility of not going. Even though she knew deep down that leaving was the right choice by her.
“Do you want me to stay?”, she asked, and Clarke huffed.
“Yes, fool”.
Lexa didn't want to go home to an empty house. She didn't want to leave Clarke alone in one too.
So, she nodded and locked the front door. She told herself that it was a good thing, that staying was something good and they wouldn't necessarily regret it in the morning. Clarke got herself up from her place at the stairs and lead the way to her bedroom.
“I need to get out of this”, Clarke huffed as started to undress right there in the middle of the room with the green-eyed girl three feet behind her. The blonde was far from shy and especially around her best friend, still the green-eyed girl could feel the flush creeping up her neck at the sight of Clarke´s naked back and so she averted her eyes. “Take whatever to sleep in”.
Lexa mumbled a quick, “thanks”, and quickly turned to the blonde’s dresser to get something to do. She fumbled around in the first drawer to distract herself from the embarrassing desire to turn around. She could hear Clarke move around in the room and then how she slumped into the bed, only then could Lexa bring herself to undress herself.
“Did you see that girl again?”, Clarke asked and gave the green-eyed girl something else to distract herself with.
“Her name is Luna. And no, she had to leave early”, she answered. She caught the reflection in the mirror of Clarke lying in bed, causing her chest to flood with light. Her eyes automatically averted themselves from staring at the blonde even though she was quite certain that the other girl was too drunk to notice anything. Something hit her. Something that she hadn't let herself listen to in a long while. So, she added, “I doubt she'll remember me though”, as if to settle the need of say something without saying anything of value.
Clarke laughed, drawing Lexa´s attention back to herself and this time Lexa stood right in front of her. Their eyes meet and a small smile touched upon the blonde's lips as she exhaled. That smile lingered and Lexa could feel the light consuming her heart.
“No one could ever forget you”, the blonde said, and the genuine tone made Lexa blush.
A silence fell over them. The green-eyed girl got into bed as well and the silence made the sound of her heartbeat seem ear deafening. Her muscles buzzed. Her skin burned. An uncertainty picked at her mind as she thought back on the night and with every passing minute that uncertainty grew stronger. Louder. Bigger. Until she forced herself to cut of herself midst thought to focus on the quiet. At least by doing that she wasn't allowing herself to gather seeds of hope and wishing.
Lexa had always been that kind of person that went with her gut feeling and trusted her instincts, through her whole life up until that night she had never had a reason to doubt that she'd sense what was right to do. Up until that night, when her whole body seemed numbed off and her instincts distant. She listens out in the dark for the girl beside her, unable to let go and find sleep. She didn't see it coming, didn´t feel it coming, and it hit her like an avalanche.
Clarke broke the silence with three words, words whispered with the hint of a droopiness to her voice and Lexa´s chest cramped up.
“I love you”. She had heard those three words coming from the blonde girl´s lips many times, often laughed when they were bent over crying with laughter or with a bitter tone when they had been fighting. It was so simple. Not unknown. Still, it was the beam of light that awoke at the sound of those three words that left Lexa breathless. She had always trusted her gut, and this was everything she had hoped for, dreamed of, feared to the point of crying herself to sleep some nights. She could hear the sheets moving when the blonde turned on her side of the bed and then feel a warm hand sneak in under them to lay over her stomach. “I really love you, Lexa”, Clarke said with a much clearer voice and moved closer.
Lexa´s breath was caught somewhere in her chest, unable to break free and give her release. Her heart thumped hard and fast while she listened to the blonde's breaths that seemed to get louder and louder. The weren´t. Instead, they were coming closer and closer until she could feel the blonde breathing against her neck. Close. So close.
It hurt.
The green-eyed girl was hurting out of fear and happiness. Her hands were frozen but shook with the desire to move. Her whole existence was concentrated to that bed and within the reach of the girl next to her. The air that had been trapped in her lungs were ripped right out of her when the blonde sat up. Even in the dark Lexa could see the deep and mesmerizing colour of those blue wonders. Clarke was quiet and watched her for a moment, her hand still placed firmly on top Lexa´s stomach. Then, without a word, that same hand travelled up to the green-eyed girl´s chest. Her fingers brushed over Lexa´s sternum, stilled over her drumming heart and then traced the outline of her throat. Lexa exhaled slowly, her head spinning because of oxygen deficiency and too many thoughts. Dangerous thoughts.
It was too much.
However innocent Clarke touched remained, it didn't take much to set of any and every emotion in the green-eyed girl´s body. Once the blonde had her hand on Lexa´s cheek the green-eyed girl was on the verge of an out of body experience. Clarke was an affectionate person, far from shy to show it whenever and however she wanted. It was a part of her charm and the cause of Lexa´s constant aching for a real touch.
This felt like a real touch.
What happened next threw her off guard. Totally and earth shattering so.
One moment Clarke was cupping Lexa´s cheek and the next their lips were pressed together. The kiss was gentle and soft. The blonde tasted sweet and strongly of alcohol. It took everything in Lexa not to push back, to take advantage of the situation and deepen the kiss. The thought passed through Lexa´s mind and she considered it, for a split second, but before she had a chance to decide the blonde leaned back and broke their connection. The green-eyed girl´s lips burned, her cheek the same way once Clarke removed her hand.
The blonde kept her eyes on the Lexa, fixing her to that frozen position and the room went quiet once again, but only for a moment.
“And you love me, don't you?”, Clarke questioned, and Lexa licked her lips as discreetly as she possibly could, her mouth beyond dry and her tongue tied.
When she opened her mouth to answer she had to hold back a soul shattering sob. “You know I do”, she said and then bit her lip so hard she could feel herself puncturing the skin.
The blonde let out a deep sigh and laid back down, now with her head on Lexa´s chest and one arm around the green-eyed girl´s waist. Lexa held her breath, too scared that if she let air fill her lungs, she would in return fill the room with a cry. It didn't take long before Clarke fell asleep, hugging more tightly to Lexa´s paralysed body as she did so. Lexa didn´t find sleep, only darkness and the brightest of lights. Her chest was tight, and her heart thumped as hard as it could, probably too scared that if it gave in for a moment it would stop all together.
She didn´t find sleep, but sleep found her, and the tears kept running down her cheeks through the whole night.