Things in life have a way of changing so discreetly that you barely even notice that anything has changed at all. Take the moon, for example. We see it every night, or at least, most of us do, but we only notice the change once it becomes something dramatic like the difference between the visual aesthetic of the crescent moon and that of the full moon. Human emotion can be compared to that, too. We don't notice the signs that we are changing until it's too late to prevent it; that's why we are such fickle creatures.
I had wished I noticed when my feelings began to waver, maybe then I could've used my time to rectify the changes before they had become permanent. Unfortunately for me, I didn't notice in time and so here we are now; stuck in a predicament I'd never imagined possible and it engulfed my entire being in this sad, crippling, lonely ache.
Reverting changes sometimes just wasn't possible though, and the reality of it was soul destroying. I'd never imagined that I would stop loving anybody; that one day I would wake up and no longer crave their touch and yet it had happened all so suddenly, and also not so suddenly at all, because underneath everything, my feelings must have been waning like the moon for a long time prior to me noticing.
It is hard enough telling somebody you are in love with them, but telling them you no longer are is ten times harder. Part of me wanted to avoid it all together, just ignore it and pray that my feelings would resurface one day and that everything would be alright but in reality, that was just be being selfish, naive and optimistic.
Don't get me wrong, I do still love Marceline, how could I not? She is my best friend; the only person I trust in the world. I hold her higher in regards than I do anybody else, but I am no longer in love with her. I wanted to be, god, I so badly wanted to be. I had hoped we'd be together forever — that's how I imagined it being. I, for one, didn't imagine it'd be like this.
"Is something wrong?" Marceline asked as her eyes searched my own looking for the answers that she'd never want to hide.
I knew I had to tell her, I couldn't ignore it and brush it under the carpet forever but shit was it hard. It's hard when the girl you've been in love with for the past six years is standing in front of you and nothing has changed, not really. Nothing except for my own fickle feelings, that is. How could you tell someone so perfect that you didn't love them anymore, despite them having done nothing wrong? It just seemed inhumane.
"You and I, I guess. I think you and I are wrong." I blurted out, the truth spilling from my lips before I was even ready. Instinctively I adverted my eyes from Marceline's. I could sense that I looked uncomfortable; like I didn't want to be here and truthfully, I didn't. But not because of Marceline — because of myself.
To Marceline, it probably looked like I wanted to leave and have her gone out of my life for good but that wasn't the case at all. I wanted her in my life forever. Sometimes I'd sit and think about the fact that once I told her, there would be no more date nights. No more snuggling up on the sofa watching reruns of all our favourite shows. No more midnight talks about the universe. No more kissing or cuddling or falling asleep with our bodies merged together to make one. No more inside jokes and worst of all; no more best friend. The thought of it made my heart constrict and my chest ache. It even made my emotionless eyes glaze over with tears. The thought of losing Marceline; losing my best friend hurt just as much as now as it did when Lady told me she was moving out to be with Jake, except Lady wasn't supposed to be with me forever — Marceline was.
But none of that changed the fact my heart no longer wanted to wake up beside her everyday for the rest of my life. I thought I did, I always pictured it being like that but now when I pictured being old and wrinkled in a care home, Marceline wasn't the person I seen alongside me anymore.
I wanted to want her. If I could've made one wish, it'd be that; that I would be in love with her again. If only the world was that simple.
I could feel her staring at me, but I didn't know what else to say. What else could I say? Nothing is going to make this 'okay'.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Marceline questioned cautiously, but her voice was still strong. Which was good; she was an emotional person, so the fact she still sounded calm was reassuring, it showed that she was keeping herself composed. That didn't make things any easier, though.
"It… Well-" I paused for a second, trying to think of the right words to say. None of this seemed fair, especially not to her. But I couldn't lie anymore, not to myself nor to Marceline. She deserved more than that. "From an outside perspective, things are great. But, I— things have changed. With me. Not you, you're perfect it's just that… Well, I've changed. I don't feel the same things; the same way I used to feel."
It had been said now; there was no turning back. It didn't make me feel good, it didn't make me feel much at all, really. If anything, the best way to describe it would be that if felt like I had just jumped from a sixty foot building and I was falling but there was nothing I could do about it; the choice had been made and any attempt made to salvage what had been done would be futile, so all I could do was let go.
I looked up at Marceline for the first time since I'd spoken and all I could see was pain; she looked like she was in agony. It was how I pictured the face of somebody on the brink of death that was trying to look strong so as not to worry those around them and also to keep their own dignity.
"Bonnie…" Marceline breathed out slowly trying to comprehend the situation. "Are you— is this… Are we over? Is that what you're trying to say?"
I wanted to say no, I had hoped it never would've come to this, but if I had said no all I'd be doing is postponing the inevitable. Over was exactly what it was. Every plan we'd made was ruined, every memory we'd shared would be tainted. Our futures would be going in completely different directions from here on out. It was most definitely 'over'.
"Yeah, I guess that is what I'm trying to say. I'm sorry, Marceline. I just— I don't…" I trailed off, because it was far easier to think than it was to say. "I'm… I'll go."
"We aren't even going to talk about it?" Marceline said, looking like a puppy that had just been kicked and the knots in my stomach were tightening with each passing second.
"I wish we could talk about it but really, there isn't much I can say. It's not a problem that can be fixed. It's not fair on you if I keep doing this with you when I don't feel the same way I did six years ago; six months ago, even. It's cruel." I explained, trying to keep my voice level despite the pain in my heart.
"You don't love me anymore?" She asked and the pain inside her was made all too evident by the crack in her voice and the glaze over her eyes that made it seem as if they held a whole other universe within them, their own stars twinkling brighter and brighter as the hurt deepened. She looked tragically beautiful.
I''d never thought it was possible to see somebody else's inner suffering but you could quite literally see her heart shattering, the fragments scattering all over the place like broken glass. I wonder if she could see that I felt the same way? That I too felt like my heart was breaking over all of this although, perhaps mine was breaking for different reasons.
"Of course I love you, Marceline. I always will love you, how could I not? You're my best friend, my only friend and I always want you to be that. That's probably selfish of me to ask of you, considering the situation, but don't doubt the fact that I love you, because that will never change."
I took a moment, trying to figure out what else I was supposed to say, because if I ended things like this I'd be giving her false hope and that wasn't something that sat well with me but it felt like the world was closing in on me, like I was back in ancient Egypt being mummified alive and I was suffocating, unable to fill my lungs the air that they were so desperately gasping for.
"I love you, but… I don't think I'm in love with you anymore."
The room fell silent and the seconds felt like hours and I was still suffocating but I definitely wasn't suffocating as quickly as Marceline was and the guilt I felt — I wondered if it was how criminals felt after committing a crime? It felt how I imaged them to feel and then some.
"You think or you know?" Marceline inquired, her voice a mix of a bitter laugh and a choke; the voice that occurred when she was about to cry — I knew that all too well and the part of me that held all our beautiful memories told me to wrap my arms around her and say that this was all a sick joke, but the logical part, the part that knew the truth fought against it because that would just mean postponing this all. Again. Logic had always been the winner in my internal battles between thoughts and feelings after all.
"I know." I confirmed.
"Of course you do." Marceline spat, and it was clear to me that she'd gone from being sad to being angry just like that and it was such a Marceline thing to do because that was how she'd always been. Her hurt and her anger had always coincided with one another. She would be angry and cry tears of frustration and she'd be sad and lash out in rage; it was just how she was. The worst part about it was that I knew that, yet there was nothing I could do to ease her pain.
"I'm sorry, Marceline. I truly am. I never wanted this either but sometimes things don't go the way you want and for that, I apologise. I will always love you as a friend though, I can promise you that." I stated. I was being truthful, I would always love her as a friend but I think I was also trying to soothe her in the only way I was entitled to now — through words.
"There was obviously something inside you that didn't want this; that didn't want me." She fired back, unable to look at me. "How am I supposed to believe that now? That you'll always love me as a friend? You were supposed to always love me as a girlfriend too, and that didn't work out so don't stand there and say that you'll always love me as a friend because it's probably fucking bullshit, just like everything else was."
Her words cut through me like a knife because she was right, how could I be certain that I'd always love her as a friend when I myself had been convinced I'd always be in love with her too? I couldn't promise anything, because in losing my love for Marceline, I'd lost some of myself also. I had no right to give her false promises, especially when I wasn't really sure who I even was in this moment.
"I'm sorry." I replied, unable to comfort her any further when what I had been comforting her with prior could potentially lead to more hurt. Her points were valid and who was I to argue against that when I'd literally just taken out her heart and smashed it, leaving her to pick up the pieces.
"Yeah, me too." She agreed shakily, her voice quiet and broken as she tried to hold in her tears. "Just for the record, I really do love you and I always will. If a time comes when you love me again, I'll be here — waiting. But seen as that time isn't now, you should go." She said, not looking up and selfishly — I was glad. I couldn't bare to look her in the eyes again, not knowing I was the one that caused the pain they were shrouded in. I had expected rage, I was prepared for that, but this small, fragile whisper escaping from her lips? Not so much, and that hurt more than any anger ever would.
I wished I still loved her. Her words were like a punch in the gut, so genuine and sincere and they made me want to cry and oh fuck I wish I still loved her. But she deserved more than that, more than my wishing. She deserved a world that I could no longer give her and I hope one day soon, once I leave this building even, that somebody will come along and give her everything that I wanted to but couldn't.
"Yeah… Goodbye, Marceline." I said, and it weighed heavily on my chest because this was really it; the last goodbye. And really, there was nothing 'good' about it, it was the polar opposite but maybe the good in goodbye was meant for the person you were leaving behind? If so, I hoped it was the best goodbye ever, because Marceline deserved all the good she could get.
I turned around and walked out of the room, unable to look at Marceline before I left. I didn't want my last memory of her to be however she looked right now, it'd be insulting to have that be the way I remembered her. As soon as I'm by the front door, I'm sure I can hear sniffling coming from the room I'd just left and every fibre of my being wanted to turn around and make sure she was alright, but I didn't have that right anymore. I couldn't be the one to comfort her.
So I didn't. I grabbed my pink hoodie and pulled it over my body, taking my key to the house out of my pocket and placing it by the front door. And then I left.
Once I'm outside, the reality of the situation hit me. All the memories I'd made with Marceline over the years would remain, yet from this moment onwards they would begin to fade as new memories with new people began overwrite them. The thing is, time passes and when you're no longer making memories with a certain individual, the memories you once had with them gradually distort until there is nothing left but remnants of them and by then those memories aren't quite as important as they used to be to you because things have changed and you have new people surrounding you who now hold more significance than that person in your memories does. I'm not sure if I find that sad or beautiful. Maybe a little bit of both.
But for now, I still have my memories and so instead of thinking of the moment that I told Marceline I didn't love her, I decided to think of the moment I told her I did and I could remember the overwhelming happiness that enveloped us both, like the world had just gone from being black and white to being filled with all the colours in the rainbow and beyond; the look on Marceline's face when I was finally able to say those three words to her was something so beautiful that not even the most expensive camera nor the best photographer could capture it in a way that would do it justice. I could vaguely remember every feeling I experienced in that moment, I just couldn't quite remember how I came to feel it nor how to get it back.
The wind nipped at my skin as I moved further away from the building that held so many life changing moments and I'm glad that I could remember the moment I told Marceline Abadeer that I was in love with her a little more clearly than I could the moment just minutes ago where I erased all that love away.
I'd never regret falling in love with Marceline. One day, I pray to the god that I don't believe in, that our paths cross again and maybe the missing piece will have found its way back to me then and I'll love her more than I ever have and the future we'd planned can in fact become a reality, but until then, like everything that doesn't last — this story is finished and all we can do is wait for tomorrow to come.
The truth is, admitting to yourself that you're in love with somebody is hard but admitting to yourself you no longer are is ten times harder.