Chapter 14
‘I feel so numb
Staring at the shower wall
It's begun,
The feeling that the end has come
And now the water's cold’
Louis’ POV
I woke up alone. This wasn’t unusual for me now. I knew Harry was cheating on me; I had done for a while now. The only problem is that I love him so much that I just can’t let him go. Hell, he could kill someone and I wouldn’t leave him. I looked over at his side of the bed. The sheets were messy meaning that he had been home and he had slept, he just didn’t wake me up. I missed the days when I would turn to his side of the bed and be met with his beautiful green eyes. Or when he would hold me close at night and hum lullabies in my ear. I bet that’s where Harry is now, holding Danielle close, humming her lullabies and making her breakfast in bed. Yes, I know who my boyfriend is cheating on me with.
Sighing I slipped out of bed and went into the bathroom. I looked into the mirror. I was disgusted with what I saw. My skin was too pale, I was a bit chubby in some places and by eyes had big, dark bags under them. I was nothing compared to Dani, with her beautiful curly hair and perfect figure.
I stepped into the shower and started soaping up my body. After I had finished washing my body I stood numbly in the shower. I let the tears pour on my face. I just want my Harry back. I want him to hold me again. I want him to kiss me again. I want Harry to love me again.
I continued to cry for about 10 minutes, until my sobs turned into sniffles. I then stared at the tiles on the shower wall. Liam had chosen them. I continue to stare numbly at the wall until the water turned cold and I was forced to get out of the shower.
‘I tried to eat today
But the lump in my throat got in the way’
Louis POV
After the horrible shower I had had earlier I decided to watch T.V until Harry got back. I had been waiting for about three hours and I was starting to get bored of keeping up with the Kardashians. I was about to go to bed again when I heard keys rattling in the lock on the front door.
“Haz?” I called out “is that you?”
“Yeah it is Lou!” he said happily. I huffed, I hated it how being with Danielle always put him a better mood than being with me. Harry walked into the living room. He was carrying Indian takeout. I hate Indian and I thought Harry knew that. Harry walked over to the couch where I was sat criss-cross-applesauce.
“I know how much you love Indian takeout so I decided to grab some on the way back from the gym.” Harry told me whilst pulling me onto his lap. There were several things that I hated about this. Firstly, he forgot how much I hate Indian. Secondly, he lied to my face; I knew that he hasn’t been at the gym all day and finally, he smelled like Danielle and sex. The combination of her cheap floral perfume and sex made me feel sick. Harry placed what looked like a korma onto my lap he then handed me a fork and a napkin.
“Come on Lou,” Harry encouraged me “I know you like it! We went to the same restaurant a few weeks ago!”
Actually the last date me and Harry had been on was to the cinema and that was about four or five months ago. I sighed and stuck a bit of chicken with my fork and forced myself to put it into my mouth. I chewed and chewed on the disgusting chicken hoping the taste would go away but it didn’t. I ended up eating three bits of chicken whilst Liam had eaten two naan breads and a whole chicken korma. I cuddled into his chest and tried to ignore the churning in my stomach and the disgusting smell that lingered on his body.
“Can we watch a movie Haz?” I asked him. He didn’t respond so I looked up to see him texting someone with a small smile on his face. I presume it was Danielle. I bit my lip to try to stop tears from spilling down my cheeks. About twenty minutes later Harry shifted me off his lap and went around the corner in the general direction of the front door which made me frown.
“Where are you going Haz?” I asked walking after him. He was shrugging on his coat and grabbing his keys. “Harry, where are you going?” I press on.
“Shut up Louis! You’re not my mother you don’t need to know where I’m going all the time.” Harry snapped at me, my eyes widening at his sharp tone.
“Sorry Haz,” I mumble “I just thought we were gonna have one of those nights where all we do is cuddle. You know, like we used to” Harry turned to look at me
“I’m going to stay the night at Zayn and Perrie’s house ok? Don’t try calling me, my phone will be off.” Liam told me with a glare.
“Alright,” I whispered “will I see tomorrow?” Harry shook his head no and walked out into the night. I fell to the floor sobbing. I missed my Harry. My sweet, sweet Harry. I walked into the bathroom and slipped out of my shirt. I looked at my reflection with a frown. My cheeks were tear stained and my eyes had bags under them. I then looked down at my less than satisfactory body. I wasn’t fat but I wasn’t skinny either. I narrowed my eyes at my small stomach. Harry used to say I was perfect but he hadn’t for a while…maybe that’s why he went to Danielle, because I wasn’t perfect any more. I glared at my reflection and turned and bent down over the toilet. I shoved two fingers down my throat and tried to throw up the chicken. After I did I washed my mouth out with mouth wash and flushed the toilet. This is for Harry. I will be perfect again.
‘In this time I've lost all sense of pride
I've called a hundred times
If I hear your voice I'll be fine’
Louis POV
It has been three days, seven hours and twenty-three minuets since Harry left…not that I’m counting. The past few days have been horrible. I can’t get pictures of Harry and Danielle hugging, kissing or even having sex out of my head. I haven’t been out since Harry left either; I guess it’s because I don’t want to be out when he comes home. If he comes home. Even though I haven’t been eating, every morning I made breakfast for Harry and set it out on the table. I also made him lunch and dinner but I always ended up throwing it out after a few hours because the cereal was soggy or the soup was stone cold.
I slid off the couch that I had been living on the past few days. I wandered over to the bathroom and slipped my shirt over my head. I frowned into the mirror when I saw what looked like a lump of fat over my stomach area. I poked and prodded it. I felt tears prick my eyes and fall down my now even paler, hollowed cheeks. I was never going to be perfect. Sighing I stripped off all my clothes and got into the shower. After going through my normal shower routine I spotted a razor that I assume Danielle left at the house at some point. It was pale pink but that wasn’t what I was reaching to it for, I wanted the blades that were encased in the plastic. Using my frail hands I managed to break the plastic enough so that I could retrieve the blades. I carefully held one of the blades in between my thumb and pointer finger. Looking from my wrist to the blade I shakily brought the blade down. I ran the blade along my wrist. At first it stung like a bitch but after a few seconds the pain dulled and a new, strange pleasure emerged. I watched as the little red beads of blood formed along the cut and then made a beautiful red trail down my forearm before hitting the shower floor, making the water pink.
I continued to turn the shower water pink until I felt a bit dizzy and light headed. Stepping out of the shower I went over to the medicine cabinet. Grabbing gauze, antiseptic cream and some pain killers I walked into me and Harry’s room. I cleaned my cuts and then applied the antiseptic cream and after that the gauze I then took two pain killers. Slipping on some sweat pants and one of Harry’s hoodies I walked back into the lounge. Collapsing on the couch I took my phone off the coffee table. I don’t know what I was expecting a call maybe, a text or an email. I sighed when I saw none of the above. I dialed Harry’s number for the one hundredth time today. When it went straight to voicemail I felt the tears fall down my cheeks at a rapid pace until I was full on sobbing and fisting the couch wishing my Hazza was home. Or that he would answer my calls. I knew that if I heard his voice, even if it was for a few seconds, I would be fine again.
‘I lay in bed
Can't seem to leave your side
Your pillow's wet
From all these tears I've cried
I won't say goodbye’
Louis POV
Five days. Five days since I’ve eaten. Five days of cutting. Five days of wishing. Five days of not feeling whole. Five days since Harry left, for what I can only assume is for good. I wasn’t perfect enough. I wasn’t good enough for my Hazza. All I’ve done the past five days is sit on the couch and wait. I stopped making Harry food, partially because I knew he wasn’t coming home and partially because we had run out of edible food. The flat was also really cold and dark because our energy bill was due two days back but Harry wasn’t here to pay and I don’t work.
At the moment I was in two of Harry’s jumpers with the sleeves rolled up nursing my cuts. Perching awkwardly on the edge of the bed I grabbed the photo frame from his bed side table. It was a picture of me and Harry. We were in Hawaii for our first year ‘anniversary’; we were wearing Hawaiian shirts and lays whilst holding a surf board together. It was before Harry met Danielle and I remember that night perfectly. We went down to the beach at sunset and walked along the wet sand, you know the bit of sand where your feet get wet but you’re not in danger of getting taken down my a wave. We walked for a bit and then Harry got down on one knee and I thought that he was proposing at first but then he started saying how he promised to always be there, how I would always be perfect to him, how he loved me so much it hurt and how he wanted to marry me one day. He then put the ring on my middle finger and sealed his promise with a kiss. It was a promise ring. It was meant to symbolize an eternal promise. He broke that promise. By this point I was sobbing clutching the picture to my chest. I needed Harry, even if he didn’t need me.
Crawling under the covers I made my way to Harry’s side. Clutching his pillow to my chest I continued to let sobs wrack my body. I put Harry’s, now damp, pillow under my head and fell into a light sleep, his sent lulling me into a peaceful state I hadn’t felt in so long. I can’t let Harry go. I won’t let Harry go. I won’t say goodbye.
‘I tried to smile today
Then I realized there's no point anyway’
Louis POV
I walked groggily into the bathroom and stripped off my clothes. About a week after Harry had left I started to eat small amounts, just to keep myself alive. I looked at my reflection. It has been six months since Liam left. I have no idea where he is. He’s changed his number, deleted his e-mail and his Facebook. To say I’m heartbroken would be an understatement. I miss Harry like crazy but life goes on, for the rest of the world anyway. I was working at a bar to keep on top of the bills but it isn’t fun. Returning to the mirror I can see my ribs stuck out and I had a thigh gap which I was proud of. I was now slender and willowy, not too different from Danielle. My skin was still pasty white but I dealt with it. I looked at my reflection and tried to smile. I came out as more of a grimace. It’s been so long since I’ve genuinely smiled so I guess I was out of practice. Looking down at my thighs I tiled my head to the side. Could I cut those? I mean my arms are pretty full and I can only wear long sleeves.
I switched on the shower and stripped off my clothes. I felt stinging at several points on both arms, fresh cuts. I grabbed the razor from its place on the shelf. That’s the only thing I can thank Danielle for, leaving her razor in our bathroom. If it wasn’t for that I would have never discovered the pleasure that I received from the small slits up and down my arms. I slashed the razor over the top of my thigh. It felt like I was releasing a tension I didn’t know I had. I continued to slit up and down my thighs. I left a space clear for a special cut. A cut especially for my Harry.
I smiled softly at the design on my thigh as I lay bleeding on my bed. Pictures of me and Harry surrounded me. The promise ring was on my finger. The notes were around my head, like a halo. I held a picture of Harry to my bare chest as I fiddled with the promise ring on my finger. I felt the darkness calling for me. I took my final breath. This is how I wanted to die. Surrounded by my Harry. My love. My everything.
Just as I shut my blue eyes for the last time I heard the familiar rattling of the key in the lock. I smiled to myself. Now I can die knowing where Harry was.
Harry's POV
I unlocked the front door of me and Louis’ flat. I was so excited to see him! I missed him so much! I wonder if he missed me as much as I missed him. I opened the door expecting a head of chestnut hair to throw itself at me. But it never came. I frowned. I knew I’d messed up but I didn’t think it was this much. You see, yes I was cheating on Lou but I realized I never loved Danielle. She wormed her way into my brain clouding my judgment. So I left Dani and came back to Louis and here I am. I walked in to the lounge. Everything was clean but all the pictures of me and Lou weren’t in the frames. Narrowing my eyes I continued to search the house. Noticing little spots of blood on the carpet I started to panic.
Running into the bedroom I stopped in my tracks. My Louis. My perfect Louis. Dead. A hand flew to my mouth and choked sobs left my lips. I looked at him. He looked anorexic, his ribs stuck out and his face was slimmer than I remembered. His arms were covered in cuts of varying freshness. Some were white scars, others were pinky-red and swollen and others were fresh staining the white bed sheets with blood. My eyes trailed down his body landing on his thighs which were most of the blood was coming from. A loud wail left my mouth when I saw what he had carved into his thighs. ‘SORRY FOR NOT BEING PERFECT HARRY’ was written on his thigh surrounded by a heart. I walked over to his body. Pulling my phone from my pocket I called 999. I told them my address and the state Louis was in.
Around 15 minutes later Louis was confirmed dead and brought to a funeral home. I walked over to the bed he had been in. the doctors had stripped the sheets before they had left. Too bad they’re gonna have to do it again. I thought before lying down onto the bed and cutting the words ‘FORGIVE ME LOUIS’ on my wrist and taking an overdose of sleeping pills.