All Those Pretty Lights

Nicole woke up the next morning, feeling better than she had all week, finally one hundred percent over the cold she’d been trying to fight. Like it was an added bonus, when she turned over and opened her eyes, she was met with Waverly’s sleeping form sprawled out on the bed and she couldn’t help the fond smile that found its way to her face. She glanced at the clock and saw it was 12:30, and her eyes widened as she realised she’d never slept this late in what she was pretty sure would be her entire life. Yet, she couldn’t find it in her to be frustrated that she’d more or less wasted half the day sleeping, not when all her senses were flooded with all things Waverly.

As if on cue, Waverly stirred slightly and stretched out, reaching her arms above her head briefly, before turning to lie on her side facing Nicole. She tried to blink the sleep out of her eyes for a moment before giving up and settling on opening one eyes for the time being. She was met with Nicole looking at her fondly, and she simply closed her eye again before speaking up, “Is there something on my face, Officer?”

Nicole let out a laugh before pulling Waverly closer to her, “nope, not a damn thing, you’re just very aesthetically pleasing in the morning.”

“Har har…” Waverly lazily answered, “you should stop that.”

“Stop what? The staring or the complimenting? Because let me tell you right now, I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to do either of those things.”

Waverly decided to let it go, for now, deciding that arguing about anything – no matter how meaningless – before her mind had even started was never a good idea. Especially not if she wanted to have a chance at winning.

They laid in a comfortable silence for a while, before Waverly softly spoke up again, “I could do this forever…” She tensed up for only a second before relaxing again when she realised she’d said that out loud. She certainly hadn’t meant to, and even thought it was the absolute truth, it was a little bit too soon to explore that territory.

Nicole, however, observant as she was, noticed Waverly’s momentarily tense up, and pushed herself up on her elbow so she was looking down at Waverly. With slightly furrowed brows and a soft, yet on the verge of nervous, voice asked, “do what forever, lay in bed..?” She tried to half joke about it, but she was sure that part had gone unnoticed when Waverly opened both of her eyes completely and sat up cross legged next to Nicole.

“Do this forever,” she motioned between the two of them. “I know we’ve not actually been together for very long, but we’ve always been very up front about everything and I just… The first time we kissed, I instantly knew I didn’t need to ever kiss anyone else if I had you. And the first time I spent the night, when I slept in your arms, I felt safer than I have my entire life… I just knew that this is what I wanted – that you were what I wanted. Now… Now I just know that I want this to be forever. I know that sounds crazy, and I’m not saying I want anything to happen right now, because I don’t. I’m just saying that someday, I could see this being permanent. And while that scares me half to death, it also makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside…”

When Waverly stopped for a second, Nicole was about to say something, “Wave…”

“And even though I feel like I’ve known you forever, I still feel like there’s so much more about you, and I want to know everything, the good, the bad, the ugly – everything. I want to know all of you. So. Like I said, I’m not saying right now, but someday.” Waverly let out a shaky breath when she finished, and gave off a shy smile.

Nicole reached for Waverly then, who complied and laid back down, snuggling up close to Nicole. “I think I really like that plan,” she whispered in Waverly’s ear before giving her a quick but sound kiss, “yep, I definitely like that plan.”

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Morning had quickly turned to evening, the two women having spent practically the entire day in bed doing nothing in particular, happy to just be with the other. Up until around thirty minutes ago that is, when Nicole’s stomach rumbled what Waverly swore was “loud enough to wake the entire building”, leading them to order some food so they wouldn’t actually go an entire day without eating anything.

Nicole moved to get up and out of bed, mumbling something about not wanting to open to door without pants on, only to be held back my Waverly. “Nooo, don’t leave, you’re my own personal furnace, if you leave I might freeze to death,” she gasped for effect before adding, “or even worse, my eyeballs might freeze and then what will I do if I’m never able to see this beautiful face of yours?” She placed both hands on each of Nicole’s cheeks and squished her face up a little bit, “I mean look at you, you’re such a cutiepie!” Lastly, turning completely serious and a little strict, she said, “I need my eyeballs to not freeze, Nicole.”

Nicole just laughed and leaned forward to peck Waverly’s lips, “I honestly don’t even think it’s physically possible for your eyeballs to freeze up completely, Waverly…”

“Oh, but it is! I read this article one time, about how extreme cold can make your cornea’s freeze up or whatever, it’s totally true!”

“Huh,” Nicole said, “who’d a thunk it…”

Smiling mischievously, Waverly leaned in closer to Nicole’s face until there were mere millimetres apart, “either way, I’m pretty sure whoever comes to deliver our food wouldn’t mind the lack of clothing…”

Nicole’s breath hitched, and she tried talking, but whatever she was trying to say came out in stutters and completely incoherent nonsense. Waverly considered her mission accomplished and let out a laugh before smiling widely, kissing Nicole’s cheek and laying back down beside her.

Nicole blinked a couple of times, trying to regain some composure, before all but jumping on Waverly and kissing her like her life depended on it.

It was heated and messy, and Waverly was certainly not complaining. She reached for Nicole’s top and was ready to get rid of it before the doorbell rung and brought them out of their own little bubble. They were both stunned for a moment, before Waverly broke out in laughter over the ridiculousness of the whole situation.

Nicole, who was currently hoovering above Waverly, let her forehead fall to Waverly’s shoulder before she laughed with Waverly at this whole stupid situation. She opened her mouth to speak just as the bell rang once again, so she climbed off Waverly and made for the door. She briefly pointed back at Waverly as she walked out of the room, “this is your fault!”

“Oh shush, you were into it!” Waverly yelled back. She got up and walked over to Nicole’s closet, grabbing the first pair of sweats she could find, before joining Nicole in the living room where the food was just placed on the table.

Nicole walked over to Waverly, wrapping her arms around her to embrace her, “I was gonna be all mad and everything, because that was really awkward, but God you look really good in my clothes…”

“You look really good in no clothes,” Waverly shot back and her, and Nicole pulled back with raised eyebrows. Waverly lightly slapped her arm then, “hey, don’t give me that look, it’s not my fault you look like that! Jeesh…” She broke free from Nicole’s embrace and walked over to the couch where she sat down cross legged, grabbing a box of food ready to dig in, leaving Nicole smiling and lightly shaking her head.

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“Hey, I don’t really know much about baby Nicole or your life before purgatory, do I?” Nicole visibly tensed up at the question, and Waverly was quick to notice and try and save the situation, “not that you have to tell me about that of course. I don’t want you to talk about something you’re not comfortable with.”

Nicole shook her head, “no, it’s okay, I want you to know. There’s just not a whole lot worth mentioning is all!” She let out a shaky breath and a nervous laugh.

Waverly reached for her head and intertwined their fingers, giving Nicole a small smile as she said, “it’s okay, we can talk about something else.”

Again, Nicole shook her head. She took a deep breath and braced herself for whatever was about to happen, “my mom left me and my dad when I was nine, and though neither of us took it super well, I probably took it better than my dad. I was super into basketball at the time, so I spent all my time trying to get better at that, and doing schoolwork, trying to be the best at both of those. Dad, on the other hand, kinda got stuck in this darkness… I worked even harder, thinking if I could just make him proud, make him see that I was doing good, maybe he would find hope and something light to hold onto, you know? I mean I understand that a 20-year marriage isn’t exactly easy to just let go of, but it wasn’t everything either. I mean, I was still there. And I needed him - I needed him to be there for me, but he just left. He just gave up. I needed him then, and I still need him, but he just opted out of it, he just killed himself and left me with nothing!”

Nicole was full on crying now, so Waverly wrapped her arms around here and tried to calm her down but not really knowing what to say. She rubbed small circles on Nicole’s back, talking sweetly for a few minutes until Nicole regained some composure.

“Sorry,” Nicole said, her voice sounding raw and broken, and it completely shattered Waverly’s heart to hear her apologise for something that definitely wasn’t her fault.

“Hey,” Waverly started, reaching to wipe away some of the tears on Nicole’s face, “you don’t need to apologise to me, it’s completely okay.”

Nicole smiled weakly and sighed heavily. She thought for a moment that she was done talking for a bit, but decided it was probably better to get it all out. “I uhm… Is it okay if I keep talking for a little bit…?”

Waverly was a little sad that Nicole felt she had to ask permission to talk about her past, but she could understand it, so she simply smiled and gave a small nod of encouragement.

“Well after he died, I spent a lot of time thinking it was my fault, that I made it happen somehow… I soon started having panic attacks, and I started seeing a psychologist. At first I was just angry with everything, and I was convinced it wouldn’t work at all. Surprisingly enough, a couple of years and a lot of yelling later, the panic attacks had been reduced from daily to weekly to monthly, to eventually barely happening at all. I have no idea how she did it, but that psychologist lady sure did know what she was doing, and I appreciate her like crazy. I kind of spend the years following everything going to school, trying to get good grades, goal changed from pro basketball player to something like a police officer, and voila!” She let out a small laugh at the end, “oh, and a lot of my time was spent avoiding getting close to anyone, I figured it was safer that way. Maybe it was, I don’t really know… But it all worked out in the end I suppose!”

“Nicole, I’m so sorry…” It was the only thing Waverly could think to say at the moment, and even though she knew it was a dumb thing to say, she just felt like she had to apologise.

Nicole laughed then, “Waverly, what on earth have you got to be sorry about?”

Waverly shrugged, “I don’t know… I’m sorry you had to go through that. You are the nicest, most kind and caring person I have ever met, and honestly? You have every reason to be the complete opposite of those things, yet here you are… Probably the most loving person in the whole world.”

Nicole smiled before leaning in and firmly kissing Waverly. When they broke apart, Waverly was still cupping Nicole’s cheeks, caressing her cheekbones with her thumb, “I love you.”

Nicole pecked her lips again, “I love you, Waverly Earp.”

Waverly smiled in response, but something was on her mind, “can I ask you something…?” She carefully asked Nicole. When Nicole nodded for her to go ahead, she tried to carefully word her question, but figured it was probably better to just ask, “do you still have them? The panic attacks I mean, do you still get them?”

Nicole avoided eye contact then, “sometimes…”

Waverly lifted Nicole’s chin to meet her eyes, smiling reassuringly, “it’s okay, I just wanted to know. You can’t exactly help it, it just happens, it’s completely okay.”

Nicole just smiled in response, a genuine, dimples on full display, smile. She was happy Waverly was in her life, and that she’d let herself get close to her. Waverly was quite possibly the best thing that had ever happened to her, and she was determined to never let go, and stay by her side until Waverly personally asked her to back off. She was truly happy, and content with Waverly, not to mention she felt so much lighter after having talked about her past and told Waverly about the possibility of an occasional panic attack – that Waverly seemed completely okay with much to Nicole’s surprise. Everything was good.

They continued talking for a bit, the TV playing in the background until they both agreed maybe they should head to bed to avoid sleeping in as late as they had that day. As much as they both loved spending all day in bed together, Waverly did easily get a little bit antsy…

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A few blissful weeks passed, and it was a Tuesday morning when Waverly received a phone call from a certain red-head – or so she thought.

“Hey babe,” Waverly answered the phone, walking out of a coffee shop downtown.

“Waverly?” A seemingly unfamiliar voice on the other end of the phone answered.

Waverly lifted the phone from her ear to check and see that she hadn’t misread the name on the screen and it was, in fact, her girlfriend calling her. Uncertain, she asked, “uhm... Who is this?”

“Oh, sorry, this is Nedley, from the police station.”

“Nedley?” She asked again, and not even a second later, panic flooded her, “why are you calling from Nicole’s phone? Where is she, what’s happening, is she okay, what’s going on?”

“I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I think she needs you… Can you come down to the station?”

“Yes,” Waverly said right away, “I’ll be there in five.” She quickly hung up, threw away the cup of coffee she was holding, and made for the station.

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The second she walked through the door, Nedley was there, dragging her through the station before she even had a chance to say hey.

“It started when we were checking out a crime scene over by the south side, at first she just completely spaced out, and by the time we were packing up and getting ready to head back here she was breathing frantically and still not speaking…”

“Oh no,” Waverly whispered more to herself than Nedley. She was pretty sure she knew exactly what was going on.

Nedley, luckily, didn’t seem to pick up on Waverly’s whisper, so he kept going as they stopped outside of an interrogation room, “I tried asking if she needed to take the day, telling her it was completely okay, but she insisted she was fine. When we got back here though she just seemed completely out of it-“

“She’s having a panic attack,” Waverly interrupted. “Now as much as I love hearing your voice, Sheriff Nedley, can you please lead me to my girlfriend?”

Nedley pointed at the door, “just go right on in.” Waverly reached for the handle, but Nedley stopped her for a moment, “thank you for coming down here, Waverly, she’s really lucky to have you.”

Waverly briefly smiled at him before opening the door and slipping inside.

The room was relatively dark, so Waverly pulled out her phone and turned on the flashlight to find Nicole was sat in the corner of the room, breathing frantically with her knees pulled up tightly to her chest. She was sobbing, covering her ears, and her eyes were shut so tightly is must have hurt. She looked completely terrified, and the sight broke Waverly’s heart. She took a deep breath and walked over to Nicole, settling on her knees in front of Nicole.

“Nicole? Baby?” Waverly tried to get a reaction from the other woman, a seemingly impossible task when she was covering her eyes and ears. Waverly was determined to figure it out though, and she knew that touching Nicole was a very bad idea when she had no idea no one else was even in the room. So, she tried again, louder for Nicole to hear her, and she was pleasantly surprised to see Nicole still for a moment and open her eyes.

Waverly gave her a small smile and raised her hand, reaching for one of Nicole’s own. She glanced from Nicole’s eyes to the hands that were on her ears, raising her eyebrows slightly as to ask if it was okay for Waverly to take a hold of them. She was completely still until Nicole gave the smallest of nods before closing her eyes again, leading Waverly to carefully place her own hand on top of Nicole’s carefully lifting it away from her ear.

“Hi,” Waverly softly spoke, “not doing so great, huh?” What the hell kind of a dumb thing is that to say, she’s clearly not okay, Waverly asked herself. “Is it okay if I touch you?” She received another nod, so she scooted closer and removed both of Nicole’s hands away from her ears before holding them in her own. “Will you open your eyes, please?” Immediately Nicole shook her head, “can you tell me why not?” Waverly asked.

Nicole didn’t know what to say. She didn’t really know what was going on herself, she just knew she had trouble breathing and it hurt, and her thoughts were going crazy and she was pretty sure she was about to pass out from the lack of oxygen in her lungs. She mustered up the little energy she had left and said, “the light … too bright.”

Waverly looked at her for a moment before realising she was talking about the little light coming from her phone. She reached for it and turned it off, taking a moment to let her eyes adjust to the darkness of the room. “It’s gone. Now do you think you can open your eyes for me...?”

Nicole seemed unsure for a moment, so Waverly let go of one of Nicole’s hands and brought it up to her face, caressing her cheek. Nicole leaned in to the touch and tried to take a deep breath, but that was easier said than done. Waverly tried again, “please?”

A moment later Nicole opened her eyes, and despite the dark Waverly had no trouble at all seeing the fear in them. She could see that Nicole wanted to close them again, wanted to shut off everything, and she noticed her breathing picking up again.

“I need you to try to take a little bit longer breaths, okay? I can’t have you passing out on me, okay, sweetie? I need you to stay with me.”

Nicole nodded frantically, and she never broke eye contact with Waverly, scared that if she did Waverly would disappear. She tried to take a breath again, but ended up coughing and crying even harder, frustrated that she couldn’t make it stop.

“Can we try something?” Waverly suddenly asked her. Nicole nodded in response, and Waverly kept going, “Name five things you can see right now.” Nicole looked at her for a moment like she was crazy, could she not see or hear that talking wasn’t exactly idea for her right now? “I know you can do it. Five things you can see, go.” Waverly repeated.

Nicole’s eyes quickly darted around the room, making their way back to Waverly between every flicker, being sure she didn’t go anywhere. A couple of minutes later, she spoke up, “table, chair, phone…” She took a break, “mirror…” She thought for a moment and looked back at Waverly, “you.”

Waverly nodded, “four things you can touch.”

Nicole places a hand on the floor, “floor,” she moved stretched out a leg, “table, wall,” she looked around her before placing a hand on Waverly’s cheek, “you.”

Waverly smiled, “Three things you can hear.”

“Nedley,” she said and smiled a small smile. And it was true, Nedley was currently outside, yelling at some poor guy for having dented one of their cars. “Me breathing, and you.” She tugged on Waverly’s arm then, and gestured for her to sit next to her.

Waverly did as she was told, and once in place, Nicole placed her head on Waverly’s shoulder. “Okay, we’re almost done. Two things you can smell.”

Nicole let out what sounded like a small laugh then, and answered “sweat.”

Waverly let out a laugh at that and carefully nudged Nicole, urging her to keep going.

“And coffee…?” She turned her head to look at Waverly who simply shrugged and gave her an innocent smile.

“And lastly, 1 thing you can taste.”

Nicole sat up a little bit then, grabbed Waverly’s face, and crashed their lips together. “You,” she said when they broke apart.

Waverly was a little bit stunned, but was quick to recover, “well that worked out better than I thought it would…”

Nicole smiled at her, “you just did that so I would kiss you, didn’t you?”

Lauging, Waverly answered, “yes, that is exactly why I did that, I just really needed you to kiss me right now.”

Nicole laid her head back down on Waverly’s shoulder, “hey, I’m breathing kinda normally now.”

Kissing the top of her head, Waverly said, “you’re welcome.”

It took Nicole a minute, but when she realised what Waverly had just done, she sat up stunned and raised her eyebrows in question?

Waverly shrugged, “you’re not the only one who was in therapy I guess.” Nicole furrowed her brow and was ready to ask questions, but Waverly was quick to wave a hand in front of her hand as to dismiss it, “some other time. One thing at a time is okay.”

Nicole didn’t want to pry, so she settled back at Waverly’s side, and they sat in relative silence for a few minutes before Nicole spoke up again, “thank you for coming down here, Wave.”

“Any time, pumpkin.”

Nicole scooted away a little then to look Waverly in the face with a very serious expression, “was that a hair joke?”

“What? Nonono, nooo, absolutely not. It was simply a term of endearment.”

“No it wasn’t,” Nicole deadpanned.

“No, it wasn’t,” Waverly sighed, “but it was a nice try, right?” Nicole just laughed in response, and eventually they were both sat on the floor in a dark room laughing.

When the laughter did die down though, Nicole brushed a strand of hair from Waverly’s face, “God, I love you so much.”

“I love you.”

“You know you can’t ever leave now, right?”

“I won’t if you don’t.”

Nicole just smiled, “I wouldn’t dream of it.”