"It's okay, I'll be okay."
But it wasn't, and it never will be okay ever again. Lexa knows this but still refuses to let her go.
As she looks down trying to stop the tears from cascading down her face Lexa feels a warm, comforting, palm on her cheek. She looks up to see her lover with a light smile. Age has caught up to her, her magnificent blonde hair was now almost completely grey, her wrinkles gave her crows feet at the corners of her eyes.
But she still was ever so beautiful.
Lexa tried to return her lovers smile, she really tried, but as much as she tried she couldn't stop her tears. She cursed herself, Anya would scold her for being so weak. But her mentor was gone.
And soon she will join her. The only person in this world I can't physically live without is slipping out of my grasp. And i'm frantically trying to grab at the air that once was.
That once was.
The air that once was lazy days spent in their room talking about everything that made their minds broaden with curiosity. What once was spontaneous dancing in the middle of the streets because she remembers a song that she heard in The Arc, and as she hums along to it with her arms around Lexa's broad shoulders, the brunettes around her lovers waist, and Lexa completely forgets the chattering of the markets buzzing with life. Instead she focuses on her. What once was the happiest days of her life, finally getting to call her 'wife', holding their first adopted child, Jake, in her arms and again after her wife gave birth to their twin girls, Morgan and Alexandria, her wife persisting to name Alexandria after her because, "You're a savior to our people and your name is meant to be lived on through our family" and when she first says 'our family' Lexa gives in. And what once was the quiet afternoons sitting side by side, hand in hand, looking out at the ocean from their house that they built after Lexa stepped down from the 'Commander' title. So the two of them could raise there children and live in peace with the rest of their friends who became practically family.
And what once was shall never be again, and Lexa can feels her heart cracking wide open.
She felt another warm palm on her cheek which made her break from her thoughts. God, she was still so beautiful. Even after all these years she was still able to make her heart leap buildings with one little smile.
"Smile hodnes, it looks better on you."
That sentence was enough to send the tears she fought so hard to keep at bay cascading down her face. She looked at her lover with her deep blue eyes, beauty mark just above her lip, and the chin dimple that she hates but Lexa would never stop loving. She knew, she knew, that this would one of the lasts times she would be able to have the luxury to take in all of the beauty that is Clarke Griffin before she would be out of her grasp forever.
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It was midday in the season that Clarke recently told her was fall, and Lexa never thought she would see anything as beautiful as the leaves changing colors and the warm, but cool, air breezing through her hair.
Or, at least that's what she thought when she was younger. Now she sees something that would never be surpassed when it comes to beauty in her eyes. And that beauty was piercing blue eyes and glowing blonde hair. It took her awhile, to be able to fully succumb to the emotion that everyone calls love. But after facing the brink of death when pierced in the stomach with a silver bullet and then immediately afterwards jumping into the war with A.L.I.E., Lexa decided that it might be better to give in to her 'weakness'. Her people were finally done with fighting wars, after the many deaths from the last war it seemed like everyone decided it was time to let go of the grudges and just live. Polis was as busy as ever now that the city was rebuilt, and Lexa's heart soared with pride as she watched her coalition grow. The politics were short and sweet, every clan relied on each other and if one backed out then that clan was doomed so no clan ever rebelled. Lexa was relaxed and at ease, of course a few meetings left her irritated and had her eyebrows scrunched together and her lips down into a small frown.
Times like this is when she decides to take a walk to a small pond a few miles from Polis. She found this place with Clarke and they both kept it a secret from the others, it was their spot to be themselves and not the leaders their people pushed them to be. As always Lexa took off her shoes and fabric covering her feet, rolled up the legs of her pants and dangled her feet in the water. She let out a short sigh and closed her eyes, taking in the sun on her skin and the warm breeze ghosting her neck, the soft chirping of birds in the distance and soothing sound of rushing water from the small waterfall in their, 'Secret Pond', as Clarke likes to call it. She lost track of how long she simply sat there taking in her surroundings, her thoughts soon came to the circular piece of metal that rested on the right pocket on the inside of her coat. It's been only a few days since she got it personally forged after tirelessly gathering the materials she wanted to be melded into the piece of jewelry. She explained in torturous detail to the smith how she wanted it tot be melded and thankfully he listened to every word and it turned out perfect. I was a simple silver ring carefully wielded so that the material looked as if it had been braided all the way through, and at the top rested a small piece of amazonite that was welded in such a way that strands of silver twisted around the ring like they were roots.
It was perfect, but never has a piece of metal ever caused her more anxiousness, she simply didn't know when was the right time to ask the question she was told by Abby was, 'The Arc Way', to ask your lover to become your wife. Abby gave her blessing with stern words for the girl if she were to hurt her which Lexa simply said, "If i ever hurt her you can come straight to me and pierce a dagger through my heart." with a toothy grin that caught even Abby by surprise. So much has changed in a year, and the mother is proud to see her daughter fall in love with such a strong loving woman. Abby resented Lexa for the longest time, but after seeing how happy the brunette made Clarke and how caring Lexa was underneath her Commander bravado Abby knew that there was no better match for Clarke.
As she carefully fiddled with the ring inside her pocket a rustle of leaves was heard causing Lexa's head to whip around only to find a familiar face with blonde hair and sea blue eyes.
"Hey there stranger." Clarke called out, causing a small grin to form on the brunette's face.
"Hello, Clarke"
With that Clarke playfully rolled her eyes at her lover using her 'Commander' tone towards her. She saunters over to Lexa and proceeds to take off her shoes and socks and dips her feet in the cool water with a quiet sigh. "This is supposed to be our spot remember? Don't go using that formal tone on me babe." She pouts, making Lexa blush.
"Stop it."
Clarke turns to the brunette,making her pout grow even more, "Stop what?"
Lexa was about to answer her when she saw out of the corner of her eye the blonde smirking. The brunette let out a quiet huff and stopped her questioning, Clarke knew what she was doing to her all along and Lexa wasn't going to let her go without proper revenge. She stood up without a word and held out her hand, Clarke took her hand intertwining their fingers, standing up as well. "You're very well aware of what you do to me Clarke." She paused and then started again with a tiny grin present on her lips, "You know it isn't very kind to embarrass someone like that, especially to the Commander."
The blonde rolled her eyes again, "Oh please Lexa, you know very well how easily I can turn you into a puddle just with one little look. Raven told me herself and I didn't entirely believe her until now." She was right, Lexa was all heart around Clarke and she couldn't help herself, she was practically a goddess in Lexa's eyes and she was just the peasant kissing at her feet. But that doesn't mean she gets to mess with her, Lexa is quite the competitive person when it comes to it and she won't stop until the score is even. She lightly went behind her lover and wrapped her arms around her waist, she moved her blonde hair out of the way and started to pepper light kisses along Clarke's neck making the blonde sigh in content.
"I'm sure Raven also knows the ways I can turn you into a puddle at my feet, the walls in our room aren't entirely soundproof you know." Clarke gasps as the brunette nips at her pulse and then answers with a light hum, "I'm not the loud one and you know it."
Lexa blushes burying her face into the crook of the blonde's neck, "That's true but that doesn't mean you don't love me now does it? Even right now i'm turning you into a mess just by kissing your neck."
"Of course I love you Lexa, I would do anything for you."
Lexa smirks, she has no idea what's coming, "Would you get a little wet for me?"
Clarke's eyes immediately popped open from that comment, Lexa has her moments but, that..... that comment threw her in for a loop. She turned in her lovers arms to face her, still unaware how close they are to the pond, "What do you mean?" Clarke asks quizzically, obviously flustered by her comment.
Lexa smirks down at her, "I mean this." And with that she leaned forward, sending the both of them splashing into the water the blonde in her arms letting out a quiet squeal on the way down. The water was refreshing and Lexa's face sported a grin as she came above water waiting for her lover to follow. After a few seconds of waiting she started to get worried. Clarke surely knew how to swim didn't she? They've swam in this pond multiple times before and she seemed just fine. Panic began to settle in as she still hasn't come up for air, she was about to go under to save her when suddenly blonde hair came out of the water. She was gasping for air, obviously not used to being underwater for so long. Lexa was about to ask if she was alright when Clarke started to laugh, "Oh my god Lexa you should've seen your face! Did you really think I wouldn't be able to swim after all this time on the ground!"
The girl continued to laugh at Lexa while she supported a scowl along with a playful pout afterwards. The brunette lightly splashed her, still pouting, "You scared me Clarke, it isn't funny." Clarke splashed her back with a little more force, "It totally is funny babe, that's what you get for throwing me into the water!" she splashed her again to emphasize her sentence. Lexa splashed back, which then turned into the two having a little splash war with smiles on their faces. Their smiles soon turned into laughs once their splashing stopped with no clear victor. The two swam closer towards each other after their laughter slowly died down to a few giggles, and held each other in an comforting embrace.
Clarke laid her head on Lexa's chest while the brunette rested her chin on the top of the blondes head. They stayed like that for a few seconds content with their embrace, all thoughts of banter was gone, instead they just enjoyed each others presence and the soft sounds of rushing water nearby. Lexa was the first to break their silence.
"You know there's no one I'd rather have by my side than you right? I love you Clarke with all my being."
Clarke lifted her head and placed a gentle kiss on the brunettes jaw, "I know Lexa, the feelings mutual."
The two quietly went back into silence again, and they held each other even tighter almost as if they were afraid that the other would let go. With the light fall wind blowing on their faces, the soft chirping of birds in the distance, and the soft sounds of Clarke breathing into her neck Lexa found that the ring in her pocket suddenly became heavier. Now is the time.
"Clarke?"
"Hmm..."
"May I ask you a question?"
"Of course babe, you can ask me anything."
Lexa took a deep breath pushing her nerves aside and went for it, " Clarke, ever since I first met you when our people were in the midst of a war you were one of the most intriguing person that I have ever laid my eyes on. Along with that you were incredibly gorgeous, intelligent, witty and you carried a loving heart. Throughout the two years I've known you, you have caused a change in me that I never thought would be possible. You opened my heart to the thing that I have called weakness for year, you cracked my heart wide open and all the love I could muster went straight to you. You made me feel so many things I never thought I would experience again. Without even asking you made me even stronger and I feel like I can bring down mountains as long as you are right by my side. I have given my life to you Clarke, my soul is yours, my heart and body is yours. I wish to spend the rest of my life with you hodnes, if I die tomorrow or decades from now I know I would die content because I would move on knowing that I was loved by you. And if you live to be a hundred, I wish to live to be a hundred minus one day so i won't ever have to live without you by my side. My love for you is eternal Clarke, even if something comes between us I won't stop until my last dying breath to let you know how much I love you." Lexa paused taking a shaky breath, by now there were tears streaming down her eyes, she never believed that she would be this nervous but she is. She's pouring her heart out to Clarke, and she's going to ask her the question she's been told to be the question that could start the rest of their lives together. She looked at Clarke and noticed that she also had tears streaming down her ocean blue eyes, one hand held tightly against her own chest and the other intertwined with Lexa's. With another shaky inhale of breath Lexa continued.
"You know Clarke, there was a book I once read, if I remember correctly it was one that you gave me. And in the booked there was a line that spoke truly to me and it said, "If you love someone, the greatest gift you can give them is your presence" and that's what i'm going to do. I promise you Clarke until my last dying breathe that I will always be with you, even if I die in battle or of old age, I promise to protect you even if you say you don't need protection. I promise to be there for you if you need anything, I promise to try my best to grow old with you and build a life with you. I promise to one day hopefully start a family with you and take all the frustrations you hold and put them on my shoulders. I promise to love you even if you don't love me anymore and you grow tired of me I will still love you with my last dying breath. I'm not exactly sure how to do this but your mother told me enough of what I believe is the right way." Lexa fumbles with fishing out the ring in her coat pocket, thankful that it didn't fall out when they went in the water. Once she retrieved the ring she held it our to her with a trembling hand.
"Clarke Griffin would you give me the honor of spending the rest of my days with you as my wife?"
Silence.
Lexa unknowingly lowered her head as she asked the question and after a few more seconds her head snapped up to look at the blonde and the panic settled in. "Oh, I'm so sorry Clarke forgive me I didn't know if you wanted this or not, I should've asked before I got it welded. Please forgive me Clarke I didn't mean to spring this upon you, it just felt like the right moments to ask you. I'm so sorry please forgi-" The brunette was cut off mid sentence when she felt a pair of familiar warm lips on her own, she closed her eyes and gave in to the kiss. It was soft and slow, as if they had all the time in the world, Clarke's lips tasted like what could be home with a hint of vanilla along with the taste of salt from the tears the couple shed. Once they finally parted to catch their breath Lexa held a forgiving look. Clarke mentally rolled her eyes at how oblivious she is, she cupped the brunettes cheeks in her palms and answered her question.
"I would love to spend the rest of my days with you Lexa. there's no one i'd rather be with than you."
Lexa still looked a bit wary, "Are you sure Clarke? Even with my impending death? Even if I can't promise you a lifetime?"
"Yes, Lexa even if you can't promise me a lifetime, the time that I have spent with you will be enough."
Silence.
"Clarke?"
"Yes?"
"I love you."
"I love you too, my cute little wife."
As Clarke gave her a tooth eating grin Lexa pouted, "I'm not cute Clarke!" The blonde just hummed still thinking that she's still the cutest person she's ever met, not exactly all the time but she had her moments. For example, right now with her cute pout and eyebrows scrunched together, a light blush sporting her cheeks. Clarke lifted her face to meet hers again and gave her a comment before she leaned in for another sweet kiss.
"Smile hodnes, it looks better on you."
--------------------
"Lexa?"
Once again Lexa was snapped out of her thoughts, while she was reminiscing she forgot that the most important person in the world was lying down in front of her. She held Clarke's hand tighter, and brought up her hand to kiss her knuckles. Clarke smiled weakly at the gesture.
"Are the kids on their way here?"
"Yes Clarke, I just got a letter back saying they were on there way, just hang in there a little longer okay? They want to see their mom again."
Lexa kissed her knuckles again and studied every inch of her face, she needs to remember her. She needs to remember her bright blue eyes and the warmth of her hands in her own. She needs to remember. Clarke took a deep breath, about to speak when another coughing fit hit her. Lexa soothingly rubbed her back waiting for her to ride it out, as she stopped Clarke revealed her hand that covered her mouth while she was coughing. It was blood, and Lexa heart clenched even more and she felt sick to her stomach. More tears fell and Lexa tried to wipe them away, catching a glimpse of her grey hair. Her hair much to her dismay started to turn grey much faster than Clarke and the girl teased her for it. Now she had a full head of grey hair while Clarke's still had strands of blonde that Lexa loved so much.
Clarke wiped her hand on her handkerchief that she kept near her beside and began to speak.
"I don't have much time left Lex." She said with a sad smile.
Lexa squeezed her hand harder, "Yes you do love keep fighting, at least until the kids come home. They told me they wanted to say goodbye, Raven even sent me a letter saying that if you go before her she'll make sure, and I quote, to "Ride her wheelchair all the way here and beat your body with her cane until you wake up."" The brunette said with a broken chuckle, Clarke smiled at that, "Raven would be the one to do that."
Silence engulfed the two as they looked at each other. Clarke went into another coughing fit and as she wiped her hand again on the handkerchief she spoke up again.
"It's time for me to go babe, I don't have anymore fight in me."
She kissed her wife's forehead and replied, "Just a little bit longer please love, you have to keep fighting. For me please."
Clarke let out a quiet sigh, "I know it hurts Lexa but you have to let me go, please do this for me I don't want to regret leaving you without having a smile on your face. It hurts too much for me Lexa you know that."
Of course I know.
Lexa gave in, she vowed to never cause any pain to Clarke and she isn't breaking that promise now. She lightly nodded her head, "Okay, i'll let you go." Lexa placed a kiss on Clarke's forehead and another one this time on her lips. After all these years her lips still tasted like home with a hint of vanilla, they kissed slow and sweet like they had all the time in the world except Clarke didn't, at least not anymore. When they parted there was a heaviness in the air that made Lexa feel like she couldn't breath.
This was it.
The brunette closed her eyes as Clarke rested her hand on her cheek putting her own hand on top on her lovers savoring the warmth. Clarke looked at the woman she built a life and family with and her eyes couldn't stop from building with tears. Her voice cracked as she spoke again.
"Tell our kids that I love them for me, and tell them to not be sad about my passing okay?" Lexa nodded when all she wanted to say was, Please don't go, please don't leave me behind. ,but now wasn't the time to be selfish. "And tell everyone that I lived a good life okay? Tell the whole gang for me. Tell them that their leader went out fighting." She said with a light laugh.
"I will Clarke, I promise." Lexa's voice was trembling and weak, this wasn't meant to happen. She was supposed to go first; she always was meant to go first with the circumstances she was in as the Commander for the longest time, but the universe was cruel in it's own unique way. Lexa stroked Clarke's cheek as she was taking her last dying breaths.
"Lexa you have to promise me something. Can you do that for me?" She nodded, "You have to promise me that once i'm gone you have to keep fighting okay? Don't give up just because i'm gone, you need to keep living for as long as you can and go out fighting. Please promise me hodnes." Her voice was cracking even more now that her end was drawing closer.
Lexa kissed her forehead lovingly again, "Of course I promise, I will keep fighting as hard as I can Clarke. I promise."
"Okay." Clarke drew in another weak breath.
Lexa climbed into the bed where Clarke was lying and held her tightly, resting their foreheads together. For a brief moment she closed her eyes savoring the moment, hoping to stay frozen in time like this for all of eternity. She opened her eyes again and was met with the ocean blue eyes that hasn't aged a day since she first laid her eyes on her. Lexa gave Clarke the best smile she could muster and was returned with a smile equally as broken as her own. Clarke spoke up again.
"How long has it been since we first met?"
Lexa sighed trying to count up the years, "I believe it's been fifty-three years love."
The blonde laughed, "I can't believe I put up with your grumpiness for that long." That comment pulled out a laugh from the older woman.
"I can't believe I put up with your brashness for all these years." Clarke laughed again, smiling genuinely.
"You have a point there."
Silence.
"Lexa?" Her voice cracked causing Lexa's heart to ache even more. She hummed as an answer, not trusting her voice enough to speak.
Clarke tightened her grip on her wife, "Lexa I'm scared."
The older woman closed her eyes and brought her wife to her, "Don't be afraid Clarke, you'll be okay I promise. Death is not the end, i'll be right there with you in time, I promise we will meet again."
"I love you Lexa, and i'm happy that I spent my life with you loving me."
"I love you Clarke, so much. I will be eternally grateful that you were by my side loving me and caring for me. You are what they call my soulmate after all. And I will keep on loving from this life onto the next."
They stayed together in silence in what was a few minutes that felt like hours. Lexa was lightly combing her finger soothingly through her lovers hair, humming along to the song that Clarke always sang at the top of her lungs ever since they started dating. Clarke leaned in for what felt like the last time to Lexa softly whispering.
"May we meet again Lexa kom Trikru."
Lexa's walls finally cracked and she broke. Sobs itching to be released from her throat, but she held them back trying to keep a light smile on her lips for Clarke's sake. She began to speak again, and with the first few words Clarke found herself smiling up at Lexa taking her beautiful face for the last time before she closed her eyes and listened to the words leaving her lovers lips.
"In peace may you leave the shore, In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again Klark kom Skaikru."
The older woman slowly felt the breathe of her lover become slower and lighter as she spoke the words, she remembers in all those years ago from when she herself was on her deathbed after being shot but she thankfully survived. As she finished, she felt the breathing from the love of her life come to stop along with her heartbeat that she could no longer feel against her chest.
She leaned in for one final kiss, putting all her love and passion as the most important woman of her life was slipping away forever. As she pulled away she lovingly stroked her hair, allowing herself to finally break down she tightly held Clarke in her arms when heart wrenching sobs erupted from her throat. She rocked the two of them for hours, softly saying I love you like it was a mantra. Lexa came with the horrifying that she didn't say those three words enough and went into hysterics. The one woman who brought life and color back into her eyes was gone and Lexa could already feel all the color starting to slip away from her.
Lexa was broken and left all alone in this world while the love of her life for sixty-three years was gone.
--------------------
Two weeks after her passing a funeral was held at Polis. The city was bigger than ever and Lexa's heart would've soared for it if it wasn't for the event that she came her for. She spent days holding her wife until their kids, now parents fully grown, finally tore Lexa away from their passed mother and sent word for a burial service at Polis. After all these years the people still knew who the mighty Heda and Wanheda were, and in the word of Wanheda's death a grand funeral was set in place to honor her life and her legacy. Lexa droned out most of the service, simply lost in her own thoughts. She thought about all the sweet, loving memories they shared and Lexa tried to hold on to whatever memories she had left. She wasn't ready for her to leave and she knew that she never would be.
Once the service was finished Lexa, as well as Raven, Octavia, Lincoln, Bellamy, Monty, and Jasper stayed behind for a little longer. Everyone else had passed, and they were the only ones left of The 100 crew. They all had tears streaming down their cheeks, missing her but happy that she lived her life to the fullest. They started to walk away from the grave that was freshly dug, and soon all who was left was Raven and Lexa.
Raven was the first to break the silence, "You know I really didn't mean it when I sent that letter saying that i'd beat her if she left before me. I really didn't think I would out live the infamous Clarke Griffin." She added with a broken laugh.
She turned to Lexa and saw a small sad smile played on her lips as well. By now the Ex-Commander had puffy red eyes from her crying, and she seemed to have aged ten years since two weeks ago. The mechanic's heart broke for the strong woman she'd grown to love like a sister after all the time that passed. Raven wrapped her arm around the woman and squeezed as hard as she could muster. She looked up at her with tear filled eyes and a sad smile.
"You know she loved you more that anyone else in this world right? I wasn't there for it but I know for a fact that Clarke Griffin breathed her last dying breathe loving you. I've never seen love as strong as hers."
"I know. I just wish she wasn't the one that went first."
"I know, but we'll be with her wherever she is sooner or later."
"Soon I hope."
"Hey now Lex don't get all suicidal on me will you? She told you to keep fighting didn't she?" Lexa nodded, "So fight god dammit!"
"I will."
Raven began to take her leave, "Take care of yourself alright Commander, I may have outlived Griff but I don't plan to outlive you."
"You too Raven." Lexa called back with a light grin.
And she was alone.
She gave one last final look at the headstone that stood on top of wear her wife's body lies
"Yu gomplei ste odon Clarke kom Skaikru."
And with that she left, making her journey back to the house they built which was full of memories that would intoxicate Lexa but she didn't care. She planned to fight until her very last breath just like she promised and she is going to do it while she was surrounded by everything that wasClarke.
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Exactly one year and two months has passed since the funeral of her wife when Lexa took her final breath on this earth. She was surrounded by her family, her kids and grand kids, and the remaining members of The 100. She was overwhelmed by their love and left this world with a smile that reached her eyes. She breathed her last breath on the same bed that Clarke did and Lexa could still smell the scent of vanilla and everythingClarke. Lexa left this world to join her soulmate in the next life. The funeral was held in Polis as another hero has fallen. Sorrow hit the city in the realization that their two beloved heroes are no longer here on this earth. Clarke and Lexa were loved throughout the coalition and stories were told on how they conquered the mountain men, bringing down the mountain, and how the two brought down an invisible foe that goes by the name A.L.I.E.. Their legacy lived one through their children and grandchildren as well as the stories of the Heda and Wanheda. But to the few remaining friends they were simply known as Clarke and Lexa, the two girls who fell in love in the strangest circumstances, as well as the annoying couple who couldn't keep their hands off each other.
There was a separate funeral for just friends and family to attend, where they said their final goodbyes to a loving mother, friend, and wife.
Lexa was then buried right beside Clarke and the headstone with one name was replaced with two.