Chapter 13
Despite Celia's inner strength and hardened character that had been finely honed over many years of being trapped in a loveless marriage and having to deal with the tyranny of life more or less on her own, the sight of her daughter, her only flesh and blood, lying so still in a hospital bed was a devastating one. She sat diligently by her daughter's bedside, her aged hands resting on Caroline's forearm and her worried eyes watching the rhythmic rise and fall of her daughter's chest as she breathed, reassuring Celia that she was still alive. Tendrils of tubes and wires connected Caroline's injured body to a bank of computers and machines that monitored her every heart beat and breath, delivering the necessary medication and relief and ready to give the alarm if her condition changed.
At the sound of footsteps echoing on the polished floor, Celia looked up to see Kate and her grandson tentatively approaching the bed, distraught looks of disbelief on their confused faces. Celia rose from her chair to greet them and gave a consoling hug, first to Lawrence and then to Kate.
"What happened?" Kate asked managing no more than a whisper. Her emotions and fear constricted her voice as she took in the sight of the woman she loved lying motionless, except for her steady breathing, the exposed parts of her body painted with black and blue bruising and her head heavily bandaged.
"A lorry ran a red light in Harrogate and hit the driver side door of the hire car…her head received a severe blow," Celia explained. "The rest of her is alright apart from the bruising but they're just not certain right now how serious the head injury is."
"One careless action," Kate thought to herself, "and a life is left in limbo and so many others are put on hold."
"Is she going to ….will she be alright?" Lawrence interrupted, unwilling to even begin to want to contemplate life without his mother's ever present strength and love.
"She's been unconscious since the ambulance brought her in…the doctors have done some tests but until she regains consciousness there's no way of knowing the true extent of her injury."
Celia stopped there as she saw Lawrence put his head in his hands to hide his tears and his shoulders shudder with silent sobs.
"But your mother's a fighter," Celia continued as she wrapped her arm around her grandson, "and if she wants something badly enough she'll fight tooth and nail for it…and I'm sure she wants to pull through this…she has so much to live for."
Kate had taken the seat that Celia had vacated next to the bed and sat holding Caroline's hand in her own, plying the back of it with anxious kisses.
Celia leaned over to her and whispered, "She'll pull through, love…you'll see."
Kate gave Celia a small, fretful smile, grateful for her optimism.
"But for now there's nothing more we can do but wait," she added resignedly.
Over the next few days Celia and Alan, Kate and the boys took it in shifts to maintain a constant vigil by Caroline's bedside, each desperately willing her to open her eyes and be there for them again.
oooOooo
It had been three long, heart-wrenching days since the accident. Kate sat by Caroline's bed once again holding her partner's hand in her own, unconsciously rubbing her thumb across the delicate skin of Caroline's knuckles as she'd done so many times before. With her other hand she tenderly caressed Caroline's cheek as she wondered, for the hundredth time, how much longer it would be until those amazing blue eyes would look out at her again. It was then that Kate thought she felt Caroline's fingers move. She looked down at the hand she held and saw a finger stretch and then another. Kate then peered up at Caroline's face and noticed her eyelids flutter weakly and her eyes struggle to open slightly. Kate called excitedly to Caroline's nurse who was always close by. On seeing her patient's movements and eyes open, she alerted the doctor. Almost instantly the tiny room filled with a variety of hospital staff. Kate stood back, her heart thumping in her chest.
It seemed like an age before the room was empty again and Kate was allowed back in. Caroline was weak but fully conscious now. Kate rested her hands on Caroline's forearm.
"Do you know what happened to me?" Caroline whispered, her voice raspy and her throat dry.
"You don't remember?" Kate asked.
Caroline thought for a moment and then shook her head slowly, painfully.
Kate explained to Caroline about the accident and the fact that she'd been unconscious for the last three days and had the whole family worried sick about her.
A puzzled Caroline put her hand to her head to feel the bandages as if to confirm that what she'd been told was true and then took some time to process all the information Kate had given her.
As she removed her forearm from Kate's grasp she then asked, "I don't mean to be rude…but who exactly are you again?"
Fresh tears immediately began to well in Kate's eyes.
"Me?" Kate replied, shocked and confounded, "I'm your partner…Kate…don't you recognise me?"
"Kate?" Caroline repeated the name in an attempt to recall who 'Kate' might be but drew a blank.
As word spread that Caroline was awake, the rest of the family hurried back to the hospital to see for themselves. As they entered the room they could see Caroline sitting up in the bed, her eyes wide open, and a distraught Kate sitting beside her.
"What's wrong, love?" Celia asked. "Why the long face? I thought you'd be over the moon now that she's conscious."
"I am pleased that she's awake," Kate stammered, "but she doesn't seem to remember who I am."
Caroline wondered at the collection of strangers around her bedside.
"Excuse me…" she interrupted, "I'm weary and would like some peace and quiet…would you mind gathering elsewhere?"
"Caroline!" Celia said, astounded, "Do you not recognise any of us?"
Caroline looked at them for a moment.
"No. Should I?"
After a thorough examination, the doctors explained to Kate and the family that the head injury had left Caroline with memory loss and that it was impossible at this stage to predict whether the condition was permanent or temporary…and if it was only temporary then they couldn't say with any degree of certainty whether her memory would come back in a few days or possibly even a few years…it may all come back at once or it may come back gradually. In the meantime, all they could do was wait.
oooOooo
Despite the anguish it caused her to not have Caroline remember her and all that they had been through, Kate turned up unrelentingly at the hospital each day to visit. She was determined that Caroline would regain her memory at some point so, as she sat beside her on the bed or, as Caroline got stronger, they took short strolls along the corridors, Kate talked to her about things such as places they'd been together, work and the staff, the family, all in the hopes that something would start to sound familiar and trigger her memory.
Caroline was grateful for the visits and the company each day although she found it extremely frustrating when she learned about people and things she should know but didn't. She knew that she should remember things…the people …the events …but try as she might, she couldn't. At times, things sounded familiar but she didn't know if it was because Kate had mentioned it before or if she did actually remember it.
One evening as Kate sat on the side of Caroline's bed talking to her, Caroline noticed the platinum ring with the single diamond that Kate wore. She reached out tentatively and touched it and then opened her bedside drawer to retrieve a small, plastic bag that held a ring that was exactly the same.
"They took this off me after the accident they tell me," Caroline explained as she took the ring out of the bag and held it next to Kate's. "It's exactly the same as the one you're wearing."
Kate struggled to maintain control as she said to Caroline, "They are our engagement rings."
"We were engaged….getting married?"
The idea seemed strangely familiar to Caroline but the details wouldn't come.
Not trusting her voice, Kate simply nodded.
Caroline looked at Kate and saw the sadness there and knew that she had caused it but once again didn't know why.
"Kate, I don't know if I can do this."
"Do what?"
Caroline dropped her eyes away from Kate's questioning gaze.
"I don't know who I am…it's so hard when everyone else knows everything about me but I know nothing…I don't know anything about me…I feel hollow …an empty shell. A person is made of their memories and their life's experiences and I don't have any of those things…what do I do?"
"Caroline, it's only been a little more than a week. Give yourself more time," Kate pleaded, "be patient. Your memory will come back."
"What if it doesn't?"
"We can make new memories."
"What if you don't like the person I am without my memories?"
"Oh, Caroline, I don't think you'll change who you are deep down, memories or not….Can we please give it a little more time before we make any decisions?" Kate begged.
Caroline had run out of steam for the time being so she let the matter rest. Before Kate could get too upset, William walked in carrying Caitlyn. Seeing Caroline awake for the first time, Caitlyn stretched out her little brown arms and called cheerfully, "Mummy." A shocked Caroline gave Kate a questioning glance.
"Did I give birth to…?"
"No. I did….but you were there when I went into labour with her and we have raised her together for almost two years … you are her mother."
Kate struggled now to keep the frustration out of her voice as she thought to herself, "How could she not remember their daughter?"
Caroline's eyes filled with tears as she looked at the beautiful, little girl desperately wishing she could remember something…anything…about her.
Upset that somehow her mother seemed different, Caitlyn began to cry very loudly.
"I'd better take her home," Kate said, "I'll see you tomorrow."
With that, Kate stood and left the room. William followed a short time later.
oooOooo
That night, as with most nights since she'd regained consciousness, Caroline had a disturbed night's sleep as she diligently scanned through her thoughts and dreams for even the vaguest scrap of memory until finally the drugs took over and delivered her peace.
The next morning as she opened her eyes on a new day she could make out the figure of a woman standing beside her bed. As her eyes adjusted and the woman came into focus Caroline could tell that it wasn't Kate or a nurse. The woman was quite small and was wearing a checked, flannel shirt over the top of a blue undershirt as well as a pair of jeans. She was grinning broadly at her and to Caroline's amazement she seemed familiar. As Caroline observed the woman more carefully it was like a fog lifting from her brain.
"You murder…"
Before she could say anymore the woman's hand clamped firmly over Caroline's mouth and the woman….Gillian…she remembered!...glanced nervously around the room to see if anyone else had heard her.
"Ssshhh!"
Once she was convinced that they were alone, Gillian looked back at Caroline and asked, "Are we still cool, Vincent?"
Caroline nodded. Gillian removed her hand.
"I remember! You're Gillian," Caroline said excitedly and then lowered her voice to a whisper, "and you murdered your husband."
"Geez, Caroline… of all the things you could have…should have remembered that's not one to them…Well done," Gillian replied sarcastically.
Not to be put off, Caroline continued as the memories came flooding forth.
"You live on a farm …with sheep…and your son Raff…he and Ellie had a baby…Calamity…Emily."
Caroline stopped and thought for a moment longer.
"And your dad, Alan, married my mum, Celia…..at their wedding you danced with Robbie and….Kate came back for me…"
Caroline's voice petered out as she recalled the surprise and sheer joy she experienced when she saw Kate standing beside her asking her to dance. The fog continued to lift and the memories tumbled out, almost tripping over each other to escape.
Relief washed over Caroline's entire body as the feeling of emptiness was suddenly replaced with the knowledge of who she was and that she had a family that loved her and whom she loved in return.
"Gillian, can you call Kate and my mother and ask them to come up to the hospital….I've no idea where my sodding phone is?" Caroline asked.
"Sure," replied Gillian, encouraged to see that already some of Caroline's snootiness was returning. "I'll just go into the hallway to make the call."
It was barely half an hour later when Kate whisked into Caroline's room. Caroline stood by the small window.
"Is it true…what Gillian said on the phone…you remember things?" Kate asked hardly daring to believe it was possible.
The grin on Caroline's face seemed to say it all.
"Well, I'm not sure about 'everything' but I think I remember all the important things…my sons, William and Lawrence…our daughter, Caitlyn….mum and Alan's wedding….you coming back for me at their wedding…like I said, all the important things….the fact that I love you and that we were… are…getting married."
Caroline raised her left hand to show Kate that she wore her ring. Kate covered her eyes embarrassed by her tears of elation and relief. Caroline took Kate's hands and guided them around her waist and then she drew Kate's trembling lips to her own and placed a loving kiss on her mouth. It seemed like forever since they had last kissed so both women savoured every second of it.
oooOooo
Although Caroline insisted that she was well enough to go home almost immediately, her doctor wasn't convinced and wouldn't sign the necessary release papers until she allowed him to run some more tests. It was another two days spent in hospital before he was fully satisfied that Caroline was fit enough to leave and only if she promised to take it easy and rest.
By the early afternoon Kate was allowed to pick Caroline up from the hospital and drive her home where she was enthusiastically greeted by her sons, her mum and Alan and, of course, Caitlyn. Caroline hugged and kissed them all warmly, overwhelmed by the thought that she could have so easily have lost them if she had not regained her memory.
"Our life and all who are in it need to be cherished," she thought at that moment.
Once they had all seen for themselves and were convinced that Caroline was going to be fine, they gradually dispersed…Celia and Alan headed off to Gillian's farm to do some babysitting… William had a train to catch back to Oxford…he'd already missed several lectures….Lawrence went to visit Robert but promised he would be back for dinner.
Alone at last, Caroline and Kate curled up closely on their favourite sofa with a cup of tea while Caitlyn played contentedly on the floor with some toys.
"Do you really remember everything?" Kate dared to ask.
"It all seems crystal clear," Caroline answered, "it's as though part of my brain was bruised and when that healed everything came back intact…I feel incredibly lucky."
Caroline repositioned herself so that she could see and reach her partner's beautiful face.
"I am lucky," Caroline repeated as she played a soft kiss on Kate's inviting lips. "The only thing I don't remember is why you came back to the wedding for me."
Coyly Kate answered, "That's because I have never told you."
"You could tell me now," Caroline whispered, "we'd been apart for months. What made you come back?"
Kate took a deep breath and collected her thoughts.
"As much as I loved you, Caroline….I couldn't face anymore rejection….it's painful being rejected by the one person you love more than anything….and it was hard enough the first time when John came back after being with Judith and you dumped me…remember?"
Caroline had the good grace to be apologetic and embarrassed at her callousness.
Kate continued, "But then there was the rejection of Lawrence and then your mother…it was the final straw when you booked two rooms for that weekend away for my birthday."
Caroline coloured deeply at the thought of her cowardice.
"I was done being rejected...I have to admit to feeling a certain amount of retribution when you came around to say thanks for looking after Lawrence...you know, when John went missing...and you asked me for one more chance. My heart desperately wanted to say 'yes' but my head wanted you to understand what it felt like to be turned away...so I said 'no'...but as I drove home from the wedding after seeing you looking so beautiful, being so funny but your expression tinged with sadness, I tried to imagine my life without you...truly without you...not seeing you...not hearing you ever again...despite being as stubborn as I am, I couldn't envisage it...I knew my heart would break and never mend...Even though I was carrying the child I feared I would never have and so dearly wanted...I thought that would be enough for me but I knew it wasn't... I would always love her but at the same time there would have always been a part of me that was missing you so I closed the door and got back in my car and came back to get you. I'm not sure what I would have done if you hadn't been brave enough to dance with me."
"I was always going to dance with you," was Caroline's simple reply.
oooOooo
That evening up in their bedroom Caroline stood reposeful by the window with the curtains drawn back as she stared thoughtfully at the night sky. Kate came up silently behind her, wrapping her arms around her partner's still figure and placing delicate kisses along the exposed skin of her neck.
"Are you alright?" Kate asked.
"I'm just looking at the moon…it's a full moon tonight….we were going to get married on a full moon weren't we…down at St Ives?"
The image of the spot by the beach at St Ives that they had chosen and Caroline's enthusiasm at having found the perfect place popped back into Kate's head and made her smile.
"Yes, we were," Kate answered, "and we still can if you want to."
"I think I'd like that," Caroline replied.