Chapter 11
Caroline hurried back down to the bottom of the street and then veered to the right, crossing over another street that ran parallel with the shore. Only a short distance away she could see Kate sitting on the bench nursing Caitlyn on her lap.
As she approached them Caroline called out, "Kate, I'm back."
Despite the fading daylight, Caroline could see the rather anxious expression on her partner's face.
"That took a while. Is everything alright?" Kate asked, the concern obvious in her voice.
Caroline sat down beside Kate and took a moment to catch her breath before answering.
"Well...yes...I guess you could say that" was Caroline's ambiguous reply.
Kate gave Caroline a look that told her partner that she was waiting for her to explain further.
"As I walked into the kitchen to get my phone from the charger, I spotted Lawrence and Robert in the living room…kissing!"
Kate gave an incredulous gasp and then grinned widely, mute with surprise.
Caroline continued, "They were too caught up in the moment to even hear me come in…actually, I think a ton of fireworks could have gone off and they wouldn't have noticed."
"Oh…that is so sweet," Kate cooed.
Caroline rolled her eyes.
"What did you do?" Kate asked.
"I considered sneaking out and pretending I didn't see anything but then I thought, 'what the hell', they're going to have to face the music eventually so now's as good a time as any, so I made some loud coughing noises until they finally realized they weren't alone, at which point they sprang apart like two coils."
"Oh no! They would have been so embarrassed," Kate empathized.
"Red as beetroots…both of them."
"What did you say?"
"By this stage I was starting to get worried that I'd left you for too long so I just reassured Lawrence that it was all okay and that we would talk about it later….I told him I loved him and then left."
Kate put one hand to Caroline's cheek and leaned in and kissed her.
"That was the perfect thing to say," Kate whispered.
Tired of being in one place for too long, Caitlyn became restless and began to squirm and object to the lack of progress their walk was making so Kate lifted her daughter off her knee and into her pram.
"Let's keep going," Kate suggested as she stood and started walking, pushing the pram ahead of her.
Caroline quickly joined her, placing one proprietorial arm loosely around her partner's waist as they strolled along with no conversation required as they allowed the peacefulness of their surrounds to envelop them for the moment.
When they reached their destination – a small set of stone stairs that led from the path down onto the beach – Caroline lifted Caitlyn out of her pram and carried her as they made their way onto the sand. Light from the many streetlamps on the pathway above illuminated the beach sufficiently for them to walk along safely. Once they were on the sand, Caroline put Caitlyn down and held her small hand while she walked along beside them. They had only gone a short distance when they found a protected alcove in which to sit.
They sat side by side, Caroline with her legs stretched out in front of her, Kate with her legs tucked up. They both watched attentively as their daughter experimented with the unique sensation of the fine sand between her toes and fingers.
"I might be a little biased," Caroline admitted, "but our daughter is very beautiful…just like her mother."
Kate flashed her girlfriend a heart-stopping smile.
"As a matter-of-fact," Caroline continued, "I think the only feature she got from Greg was her shock of soft, brown curls."
The mention of Greg's name brought on an uncomfortable silence between the two women.
Caroline finally turned to Kate and spoke in a barely audible whisper, "You never did tell me what happened that night …the night you and Greg…"
Even now it disturbed Caroline to think about Kate having sex with Greg. She'd tried to keep the thought locked away in the recesses of her mind but it lay there in the background of their relationship like an open wound.
Kate looked at her partner with pleading eyes. That night hadn't been a horrible experience but it was one she preferred not to dwell on too much. Greg had been considerate and understanding of the situation but it had been far from ideal…there was only one person she really wanted to be that intimate with but that wasn't going to get her pregnant.
Kate said softly, painfully, "Do you really want to know about it? I mean, what good would it do? We've got our daughter…that's all that matters, isn't it? ... You, me and Caitlyn are the only parts to this equation that matter."
Caroline stared off across the water for a moment as she felt her throat constrict with emotion and tears threaten to flow. It had pained Caroline greatly at the time …and still did if she was to be perfectly honest…that Greg could give Kate something so precious, something Kate wanted so much …and she couldn't. It was a ridiculous thought, Caroline knew, but she couldn't help it.
Eventually Caroline said, in a low voice, "It's something that plays on my mind from time to time and maybe if I actually knew what happened…well, perhaps it would go away and I wouldn't think about it anymore."
"What exactly is it that you want to know," Kate asked defensively, "You know how it's done…after all, you and John would have…hundreds of times…sorry."
Kate went silent as she realized that in her attempt to avoid the discussion she may have overstepped the mark.
Choosing to ignore the last part of Kate's remark, Caroline replied, "I guess what I'm curious about is whether it was just purely 'mechanical' for the want of a better word…or did you…make love?"
Kate's attention turned to Caitlyn who had nuzzled onto her lap. Kate brushed the gritty sand from her daughter's hands, laid her in her arms then opened the buttons on her blouse allowing Caitlyn to attach to her breast and suckle contentedly. As Caroline watched on, she thought her heart would burst with love for her partner and their daughter. Wanting to also be part of the connection, Caroline rubbed her hand affectionately across Kate's back.
"You're right. I probably don't need to know what happened that night. This is all that matters," Caroline conceded as she softly stroked Caitlyn's head.
After a brief hesitation and a deep sigh, Kate replied, "I will tell you what happened, Caroline, then you will know and perhaps you can move on."
"Are you sure?"
Kate nodded.
"You will be honest with me?" Caroline begged.
"Honest? Why wouldn't I be honest?"
"To protect me…..so you don't hurt me," Caroline answered candidly.
Kate looked down at her daughter for a moment, admitting to herself that the idea had crossed her mind, then she took a further minute or two to gather her thoughts.
"We had dinner in the restaurant and then we went up to Greg's room. I think Greg wanted it to be all romantic and 'hands on' and I let him be to a certain extent…you know…to get things happening but for me it was only ever about falling pregnant," Kate established, "and despite the fact that I was feeling angry and disappointed with you, I still loved you, Caroline. I was still thinking of you…my head was telling me not to….that you were not a good idea….. but my heart was a different story…."
Kate stopped speaking for a moment as she could see a single tear escape down Caroline's cheek.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," Caroline whispered as she brushed the tear away. Her mind was going back to that day when she had blown it by being such a coward. It was a memory that always hurt and one she would have dearly loved to have taken back and changed.
"I don't really remember what actually happened very clearly because the whole time I was thinking of you….imagining that it was us….your beautiful face and those magnificent blue eyes looking down at me…physically it was Greg there but mentally it was you and me…so I guess, on one level it was purely mechanical but on another level it was you and me making love…making a baby. I don't know if that makes sense to you, Caroline but I don't know how else to explain it."
"I think I understand," Caroline answered. She hesitated for a moment and then added, "Did you do it more than once….just to increase your chances?"
"God no!" Kate replied adamantly, "once was enough…I don't think I could have gone through with it a second time…not long after we were done, I dressed, thanked him and went back to my room. We met up again in the restaurant the next morning for breakfast which, admittedly, was a bit awkward. I suspect Greg honestly believed that once I'd had sex with him we'd get back together so once he realized that it wasn't going to happen that way...well, let's just say, I think his ego was a little bruised...then we said our good-byes and went our separate ways."
Kate gave her partner some time to take in what she had just said and then asked again, "Are you alright?"
Caroline nodded as she looked Kate in the eyes and whispered a sincere 'I love you.' Then she sat there pensively, wordlessly for the longest time, her eyes focused somewhere out to sea. In the quiet, they could hear the rippling of the waves on the shore and Caitlyn's soft, regular breathing. In the background there was the occasional dog barking and the voices of passers-by back up on the path.
"There's no moon tonight," Caroline said as she finally broke her silence.
"No…it's probably a new moon," Kate replied, relieved to see that Caroline had moved on from the topic of 'Greg' and that night.
"Which means that in about two weeks' time it will be a full moon,' Caroline said excitedly and with an enthusiasm that had Kate totally puzzled. "Kate, come with me, I want to show you something."
Abruptly Caroline jumped to her feet and then helped Kate up too without waking the now fed and sleeping Caitlyn. They both brushed the sand off themselves and Caroline re-buttoned Kate's blouse for her. She then headed for the stone steps carrying the folded pram with her. At the top of the steps she unfolded the pram and when Kate caught up, they carefully put their daughter in it and together they proceeded back down the same path they had come but this time it was at a less casual pace.
"What is it you are so desperate to show me?" Kate asked full of curiosity as to what had suddenly taken Caroline's interest.
"You'll see….we're nearly there," was the reply she got.
When they were almost back to the bench where they had met up, Caroline stopped and faced the sea. Here the path ran beside a large, grassy knoll atop a low cliff overhanging the beach. Before them was a picturesque scene of sandstone cliff faces, the long winding beach and the inky sea. Lights from the various fishing villages and restaurants illuminated the meandering coastline to the north and south. To one side of the grassy area where they stood was an ancient, gnarled tree with its wide-spreading branches shaped by prevailing winds.
"Do you like it?" Caroline asked stretching her arms out to indicate all that was before them.
Still none the wiser as to what Caroline was doing or thinking, Kate chose to just go along with it…inevitably, she knew all would be revealed. She took an appreciative look around.
"It's beautiful, Caroline," she replied.
"And in two weeks there will be a full moon so it will be even more beautiful," Caroline added. "It will be perfect."
"Perfect for what?" Kate asked with a bemused smile on her face.
Caroline took her partner's hand in her own and ran her other hand lightly along Kate's cheekbone as she peered into her dark eyes.
"Don't you think this would be the perfect place for our wedding?"