Nat felt, in a single word, happy. Feeling the ocean breeze on his face, he adjusted his glasses and let the waves wet his feet, unable to help the smile that took over his face. He knew Max was nearby, perhaps taking pictures and the thought of him made him smile even more.
Spending time together now, even if it was for work, was different than it was a few months ago, now that Nat was confident that the feelings he kept hidden for years were reciprocated. Just thinking about it made him want to jump up and down and scream, but he supposed he couldn't do that in public, and he settled for looking back and smiling as he watched Max's back in the distance, before pinching his arm to convince himself that it was real and he wasn't experiencing an overly vivid dream.
Perhaps Max sensed his gaze because he turned and that trademark grin of his made an appearance before moving closer and dropping an arm around Nat's shoulders, his eyes falling on the younger man's neck. Nat looked down, embarrassed even though the gesture was commonplace and the weight of Max's arm on his shoulders made his stomach tingle.
"What are you doing here alone?"
"What were you doing away instead of keeping me company?" Nat replied, ignoring his nervousness. He was used to flirting, it was part of his job and it was an easy dynamic when it came to Max, but even so, he couldn't help but blush when Max's fingers tightened on his arm, pulling him closer to his phi's body with no trouble at all.
The intensity in Max's eyes now had a new meaning, something more than managing to embarrass and tease him. Feeling himself trembling, Nat squeezed the edge of Max's shirt between his fingers, lifting his face in anticipation for a kiss he could almost taste. However, it wasn't Max's lips that touched him, but his fingers, lightly brushing his neck, where Nat wore the shell necklace Max gave him last night.
"It's the first gift I've ever given you," Max commented, with a somewhat embarrassed smile, "maybe I should have bought something better. "
Nat touched his neck, shaking his head. He could accept anything, as long as it came from his phi and as long as he knew he was giving it thinking only of him.
"It's perfect," he muttered, feeling his eyes began to water. Sometimes he hated how easily he could cry, but he had his reasons. They were together now, he could tell they were boyfriends. Nat considered all of his gifts special, but this was one he wouldn't trade for anything. "Phi can buy me more stuff later," he joked, trying to hide the intensity of his feelings.
Max's fingers trailed up to his cheek and he leaned in a little, but his eyes wandered sideways and Nat knew what he was thinking. They were in public, anyone could record them and they still hadn't discussed how public they wanted to make their relationship, but at that moment Nat wanted that kiss to the point where he didn't care about the possibility of being caught.
"Let's go back, Nong Nat."
The hotel was not far from the beach and all the way back, Nat kept feeling his heartbeat racing, the possibility of finally being alone filling his mind with fantasies that would have made him feel ridiculous a few months ago, but that he could now make come true.
When they entered the room, Nat leaned against the door and closed it behind him, his left hand wrapped around Max's wrist, keeping him from pulling away. Nat had spent years trying to keep his desires from flashing across his face, often to no avail, but this time he allowed himself to look at his phi with all the longing and desire his eyes could convey.
"N'Nat..." Max leaned closer, his eyes reflecting the same intensity, managing to make the tingle in Nat's stomach intensify.
He'd looked at him like that before, when he was Hia Yi, when he was Tai, but it was different. When they acted, Nat always had to restrain himself, had to remind himself that it was a lie, that the love he saw in Max's eyes was what the character felt. The change was good, but if Max didn't stop looking at him and start kissing him in the next few seconds, Nat would die. Maybe he was exaggerating, but from the way his heart was beating, he didn't doubt it could happen.
When the first brush reached his lips, as soft and light as butterfly wings landing on his mouth, Nat decided to stop waiting and brought his hands to Max's waist, opening his lips to indicate he wanted more. They had kissed so many times that there shouldn't be any surprise in the act, but when Max pressed into him, forcing him to flatten against the door and forced his chin up, Nat was surprised. It was different because he didn't know what would happen, there was no rehearsed choreography. It was different because it was real and Nat had been waiting years for their kisses to be real.
"Phi" he gasped, and felt a tongue slip between his lips, the kiss rising in intensity.
Nat didn't want to stop, he wanted more, he wanted to feel like Max finally belonged to him, but when he slipped his hands under his shirt, the kisses stopped being so intense, and Max's hands came to rest on his arms, gently pushing him away.
Nat opened his eyes, frustrated. They had only been dating for a few months, but he didn't understand why Max stopped every time things escalated. Every rejection managed to bring his insecurities back, even though he knew Max wouldn't play games with him, Nat couldn't help but doubt.
"Phi Max," he whined, pouting. He'd rather beg like that than admit that every time Max walked away, he felt like the seventeen year old teenager again, trying to fit in and get his attention, to no avail.
"Let's eat first, Nong."
The years they had been together made Nat notice the attempt to avoid him and he was suddenly angry. They were finally alone, they had finished filming the pilot and finally had some free time. Not that he was only interested in the idea of having sex, but he couldn't say he wasn't looking forward to it either and didn't understand why Max was turning him down.
"I'm not hungry," he replied, exhaling a sigh. "Why did you stop?"
Max exhaled a sigh.
"You're not sure how you feel?" Nat asked, before he could regret it. If that was the reason, he wanted to know before he got his hopes up any higher.
"What? Of course not!" Max touched his cheeks, leaning down to look him in the eye. "Nong, I would never doubt my feelings for you."
"Then why stop?"
Maybe he wasn't attracted to him enough, Nat thought, giving way to the insecurity that sometimes consumed him.
"Because you deserve better, N'Nat," Nat frowned, unable to understand. "We've barely dated, I want it to be special, not here."
Nat pouted. He didn't really care, he didn't want expensive dinners, or fancy gifts. He just wanted Max.
"What if I don't want to wait?" he asked, pulling Max's hands away from his face.
"Nat, don't do this to me. Let me do this the right way, okay?"
The kiss Max gave him wasn't a passionate one, but a conciliatory one, made to keep Nat from getting angry, and that made him angrier. He didn't want to be consoled, but he knew Max wouldn't change his mind.
Maybe Nat was still immature, but he couldn't stay in the room when Max went to shower. The weather was still warm and Nat went outside, thankful that he wasn't well known enough that he couldn't blend in and went back to the beach, hoping that the breeze and the sound of the waves would manage to calm him down. The sun was beginning to fade and Nat walked away until he reached a desolate part and sat down on the sand, feeling frustrated with Max and himself. If he had waited so many years, he could wait a little longer and he knew it. It was just that little voice that always shouted how inadequate he was, how young he was compared to Max, that made it impossible for him to relax.
"Nong."
Nat gasped, but didn't turn, not even when he felt Max sit down next to him. He didn't ask how he found him, Nat had grown accustomed to having people following him for his safety and didn't pay attention to them.
"Nat," Max insisted, his voice changing from its usual light, amused tone to a more serious one. "Don't go like that again, even if you're upset."
Nat turned his face away, knowing he was right.
"I'm sorry, phi," he whispered.
"Does it really bother you that much?"
Nat shrugged. He knew he should explain himself, but Max's disapproval was something he had always dreaded. However, keeping quiet would be worse.
"It's not just that... Phi, I don't understand why we have to wait. I've had a long time to think, I've been waiting for a long time and I thought I could never..." Nat interrupted himself, biting his lips. "I just want to know if it's real."
And maybe a small part of him was afraid that if he let any more time pass, Max would change his mind.
"I want to know,“ he continued, clasping his hands on his knees, "I want to know what it feels like to have you want me," he admitted, lowering his voice and looking down at the floor.
Suddenly, he felt Max's breath on his cheek, a large, warm hand resting on his back.
"Don't say things like that out of nowhere," Nat felt a kiss on his cheek and moved his face, and was met with the same intense gaze as before. "How can you doubt that I want you? Nat, it's just that you're young. I don't have anything I can offer you that Nong doesn't have. So, I want it to be perfect, but we barely have time alone..."
"I don't need anything," Nat interrupted him, nervously moving his hands on his knees.
Nat wanted to believe him. Rationally, he knew Max wouldn't lie to him, wouldn't play with him like this, but the irrational part of him was still afraid. Max's hand, still resting on his back, moved up and down in an attempt to offer comfort, but Nat shivered slightly. The shirt he wore was light and he could almost feel the touch of Max's fingers on his skin. How could he tell him that that was what he wanted? To be touched, to be caressed, to experience being desired by this man for the first time.
When he raised his eyes, Nat knew the expression on his face was full of desire, the same desire he sometimes failed to control and was ashamed to see when he had to react to his works. Max's hand stopped abruptly and Nat cocked his head to one side, eyes fixed on his mouth. He noticed the way he swallowed, but didn't dare look up. If he looked at him and Max rejected him again, he wouldn't know how to react.
"Nong," Max gasped.
The hand stroking his back went up to Nat's head and gently, gently, tugged on his hair to force him to look up. The night was bright enough and Nat licked his lips as he saw the smile that usually graced his phi's face fade to give place to a grimace that was almost predatory.
"Nong, don't look at me like that," he whispered, stroking his cheek.
Nat didn't answer, just blinked and one of his hands moved unconsciously to Max's knees and that touch was enough for Max to lose his patience and attack his nong's lips.
Usually, there was something about Max's kisses, a way of holding back, of not letting them go beyond a certain limit and Nat was able to feel it, to notice this imaginary line that his phi had decided they shouldn't cross. However, this time there were no boundaries and if he hadn't been sitting up, maybe his legs wouldn't have been able to hold him upright, especially when Max's lips sucked on the side of his neck and Nat felt teeth lightly squeezing his skin. Moaning, he rested his hands on the sand stretching his legs out of instinct, and smiled when Max didn't pull away but moved with him and his hands came to rest on Nat's thighs and effortlessly spread them apart, before positioning himself between his legs.
Nat felt the heat in his cheeks at the action. It was a little strange to know perfectly well how it felt to have his phi between his legs, with even less clothing between them, and at the same time, to feel that it was a completely new sensation. This time it wasn't Khon Diao or Nong Kram, it was simply Natasitt, without a trace of makeup, and with no directions on what to do or how to react, overwhelmed at the feel of someone else's weight on his body.
Max pushed him gently to the floor and went back to kissing his neck, licked his earlobe, his hands caressing Nat's abdomen, causing new shivers to run through Nat's body. Only when he saw the full moon in the sky, and was aware of the murmur of the waves nearby, did Nat remember where they were and pressed his lips together, not knowing what to say. He didn't want to stop, but they were outside the hotel, and he knew they must have been followed, someone was always after them. They could see them.
However, when Max pulled away, Nat wrapped his legs around his waist, ready to complain if he planned to leave. Max's eyes fixed on his legs, covered by a pair of shorts, and returned to Nat's face, hesitating for a moment.
"I've thought about this," he admitted, and in his tone of voice, Nat knew it wasn't easy for him to admit. Before he could ask what exactly, Max used the tip of one finger to stroke his legs, first his knees, following the bare skin up to the edge of the shorts and up, touching over the clothing. "I wanted to touch you like this. If I hold back it's because I don't want to scare you, N'Nat."
"Nat's not a child anymore," he replied, his breath hitching as Max slipped his hands under his shirt and lifted it, licking his lips at the sight of his nong's bare chest. "Nat's not afraid."
Max gave him a smile that made Nat tremble, half with anticipation and half with a fear brought on by nerves and the knowledge that he would be able to do anything Max asked of him. Nat had always been frightened by the strength of his attraction to him.
"N'Nat, I can still stop," he offered, though at the same time, he moved closer until his warm breath collided with the skin of Nat's chest and his tongue gently caressed a nipple, his gaze fixed on Nat's face.
"Someone might come," Max added, saying the same thing Nat was thinking, but he didn't stop. His teeth closed around the nipple he licked and nibbled as he was not allowed to do in the recordings. The slight pain Nat felt was overshadowed by the rush of pleasure that came over him.
"Every time I do this I want to bite you," he commented casually. Nat arched up, thinking the same thing. Every time he saw Max move closer to his chest, all he could think about was what would happen if he moved closer, if he offered his breasts for him to bite and mark. "N'Nat, do you know how hard it was to hold back?"
"Don't do it, phi," Nat begged. He didn't mind begging if it was him.
Max went back to kissing his lips, lowering his hips and Nat felt his erection and pressed his fingers into his back in response, sighing, feeling himself melt inside. Nat was hard too, ever since they started kissing, but this was the first time Max didn't pull away, that he let him feel the outline of his member rubbing against his and knowing that made Nat feel his head float, as his body begged for more sensations.
"I'm not going to do it here, Nong" gasped Max, kissing his forehead. Nat took the moment to press his lips to Max's neck, sucking and biting as Max had done before.
At that moment, trapped under his body, and intoxicated by the sensation of having him close, Nat couldn't find a good reason not to do it.
"Why not?" he moaned, when he recovered his breath.
Max kissed the corner of his lips and caught his hands, which were going to the edge of his shorts and forced him to keep them in the sand, squeezing his wrists.
"Don't move, N'Nat, I won't be able to stop if you touch me. Be a good boy," Nat moaned pitifully, but held still even as Max released his hands and grabbed him by the buttocks, lifting Nat's hips to cause more friction between them, before lying on top of him, leaving kisses on his neck.
"Can you cum like that, Nong?" he asked, panting and mimicking thrusts that drew choked moans from Nat's parted lips. "I want to see it, let me see you."
Nat nodded, closing his eyes, squeezing the sand under his fingers to fight the temptation to move and touch him because he wanted to obey, wanted to be good for Max. Feeling Max moaning in his ear, feeling his erection against his abdomen, hearing his voice gasp his name, were enough to push him over the edge.
"I want to know what it feels like to be inside you," Max whispered, his tone sweet and gentle despite the words he was using. Nat tightened his legs around his waist, wanting to melt into him and with him. "Cum for me. Do it N'Nat, baby..."
Nat clamped his teeth down on Max's left shoulder, stifling a cry, feeling the orgasm come suddenly, and wash over him in waves. Max wrapped his arms around him, pulling him tight against his body, and Nat knew he was done too as he felt wetness on his abdomen. Shuddering, he opened his eyes and looked up at the moon above their heads and suddenly remembered that they were still on the beach. Nat's heartbeat quickened for a different reason, but he didn't quite get to feel regret, or panic. Max was still on top of him, kissing his hair and the side of his face, his hands running down the sides of Nat's body and just feeling him like this kept Nat from regretting anything. After all, he had asked for it.
"Phi!" he whined, when he was able to speak. As comfortable as he felt, the sand was starting to sting. "I'll have to take another bath."
Max's laughter tickled his neck and Nat found himself smiling too.
"Nong begged me, you can't blame me now."
Nat couldn't deny it. He felt comfortable and didn't hear anyone nearby, maybe it wouldn't hurt to stay like this for a while, cuddling with Max, no matter how uncomfortable the sand and wetness in his shorts was.
"But P'Max is the responsible adult," he muttered and regretted his words as Max stood up.
Nat sat down, flashing an apologetic smile. The age difference had always been a sore subject for Max.
"Don't make that face, N'Nat," Max smiled and offered him a hand, which Nat took. When he was standing, Max reached over and fixed his shirt, shaking off the sand stuck to his back, "You know, I wasn't very responsible for anything before I met you. N'Nat was the first person I felt was my responsibility."
"But now I'm your boyfriend," Nat muttered. It was different, or so he thought. He no longer wanted to be just the person Max had to take care of.
Max leaned in, stroking his cheek.
"You are. And you're an adult and I couldn't be more proud of you. I can't love you any more than I already do. But I still want to take care of you. And I'm not leaving just because a joke, N'Nat, don't be scared. I don't want you to change."
Nat smiled and hugged him, unable to say anything else. He still felt they were learning how to handle their relationship and his experience was little to none. He was still going to be afraid and doubtful and not know how to act, but Max was Max after all, and there was no one Nat trusted more.