Stuck in Love

"We have news on Clarke's condition."

Lexa instinctively reaches out for Abby's hand like it's a lifeline. Abby squeezes tightly in support, bracing for the words yet to come out of the nurse's mouth.

"She survived the surgery. Mrs. Griffin had serious cardiac contusions as well as some broken ribs from the accident. She is not out of the woods yet though. She will need to be heavily monitored. The next 48 hours are critical and she still may need follow up surgery."

Lexa closes her eyes, shaking her head. A few spare tears escape her eyes. Clarke is alive. Her Clarke is alive. Lexa doesn't know what to feel right. Part of her is so relieved but she still feels like she's suffocating, like the walls are closing in. This news is better than the worst case scenario, sure, but Clarke is still in the danger zone. She still might not make it...Lexa shakes her head. She needs to focus on the right now and the positives.

"Is she awake? Can we see her?" Lexa needs to see her, to hold her hand. She needs to be there for her during this time.

"No she is not awake but one of you can go in and see her." The nurse says firmly. "I'm sorry but it's our policy."

Lexa looks over to Abby. Abby starts to speak up. "Listen, I don't want to pull rank right now but I'm the former Chief of Surgery here. I know that policy you're talking about because I am the one who signed off on it decades ago. Me and my daughter here are going to walk through those doors and go to Clarke's room. If you need any further approval on that you can go straight to Chief Bailey and tell her that I am here."

Lexa bites her lip and looks to the floor. Everything is blurry. She wants so desperately to see Clarke. She can't focus on anything else. She hears a bit more back and forth between Abby and the nurse but it feels so far away. She feels so disconnected yet all her feelings are so heightened at the same time. She can hear the beeping of the monitor across the hall in another patient's room. She can hear two other nurses laughing about the tireless failed flirting efforts of one of the pediatric surgeons that just passed by the nurses station. She can hear someone a few chairs over hear the worst news of their life. She starts to feel overwhelmed by it all.

"Um Abby.." Lexa looks over to Abby and Abby can see the color draining from Lexa's face. Abby nods understandably and puts her arm around the younger girl. She rubs Lexa's arms and pulls her in close, leading her to Clarke's room. They stop short of Clarke's room and Abby faces Lexa.

"Lexa, you need to prepare yourself. Clarke isn't going..well she's not going to look like the Clarke that you're used to seeing. She's going to have a lot of wires attached to her...just prepare yourself."

Lexa nods and closes her eyes. She feels bad for leaning on Abby emotionally right now. She feels like she should be providing some support to Abby too but she can barely even stand up right now. She's terrified to walk in that door yet at the same time she can't walk in the door fast enough.

The first thing Lexa notices is how tiny Clarke looks. Even though they are both the exact same height, Clarke always seemed taller than her. Lexa thinks it has something to do with the way she carries herself. Clarke is always so positive and radiant. She brightens every room she walks into. She has a big beautiful personality that makes her looks so strong and tall. But right now, she just looks so vulnerable and small, like she could break at any minute. It's breaking Lexa's heart.

"Oh.." Lexa breathes out in shock, her voice cracking and barely above a whisper. "She looks so...fragile."

"She's been through hell and back." Abby says in a croaked voice. "But our girl is strong. She's strong. She will get through this. She has to. My Clarke is strong." It sounds like Abby is saying it more to remind herself more than anything else. Lexa holds Abby's hand reassuringly for a few moments before she starts to move closer to Clarke's hospital bed and hesitantly puts her hand on Clarke's cheek. She feels a bit cold. Lexa looks around the room eagerly. Abby looks at her with furrowed brows.

"What are you looking for?"

"She..I think she's cold and there are no extra blankets in here for her. She needs a blanket." Lexa says in a whisper. "I don't...Clarke has always hated being cold." Lexa says before feeling Abby's presence behind her.

"Lexa.." Abby mumbles before Lexa turns around and falls into her mother in law's arms. "I can't lose her. She's right her in front of me but..I can't..I can't feel her right now..and she must be so cold and in pain and I can't help her..Abby, I can't help her."

'I know Lexa, I know." Abby soothingly says before they hear hurried footsteps approaching.

"Mom?" Aden and Adria hurry in the room with one angry nurse in tow. "This asshole keeps saying we couldn't come back here" Adria mumbles before sucking in her breathe at the sight of her mom in the hospital bed.

Abby rushes over to the nurse and has another rushed conversation with him before she widens her eyes and rushes out of the room as soon as she realizes who Abby is. Abby was a legend around here.

"Mom..she's.." Aden stares widely at his mother in the hospital bed. He feels weak and his hands are shaky.

"Mom? Is she gonna be okay?" Adria cuts over Aden. Honestly she didn't even hear him speaking. She's only focusing on their mom. "What..what did the doctor say? She survived the surgery that's good right?

"Babies come here.." Lexa opens her arms and they fall into her arms. "She's a fighter. The next few days are going to be important ones for your mom's recovery. And we will be here the entire time okay? She will feel us and come back to us."

Clarke has to be okay. She just has to be okay. Lexa can't imagine a world without Clarke Griffin in it.

--------

It's been three hours and Clarke is still not awake. The doctors said that sometimes it takes a few hours for patients to wake up after such a traumatic surgery. She's not in a coma though. Lexa was so relieved when the doctor explained that to her. Clarke will be awake soon. That's what they keep saying. But every second that Clarke isn't awake, Lexa is falling apart more and more. Of course, she has to show a strong front for her kids but internally she is an absolute wreck.

Niylah came back from the cafeteria and had a bit of a fit when she found out nobody told her that Clarke was out of surgery. Lexa understands weirdly. Niylah cares for Clarke and jealousy aside, everyone who cares for Clarke has the right to be here right now. Besides, they've broken the one person policy in a hospital room already so one or two more people isn't going to change anything. Raven took Adria and Aden to the cafeteria 30 minutes ago to get some food and Abby just stepped outside to talk with Chief Bailey briefly. So now it's just Niylah and her in the room, which makes things a bit odd in most circumstances. Lexa can't bring herself to care that Niylah is holding Clarke's other hand. They are both sitting on opposite sides of the bed, clutching onto Clarke's hands. Raven, Abby and the kids certainly exchanged some looks about it but Lexa only cares about Clarke waking up. She doesn't have the energy to fight with Niylah right now.

Niylah looks over at her and narrows her eyes at Lexa.

"What was Clarke like when you met her?" Niylah asks softly. Lexa blinks a few times, breaking herself out of her own thoughts and looking over at Niylah. She tries to mask her shock and confusion at the question and soft nature of Niylah right now. She's never spoken like this to Lexa before. She's usually actually quite rude.

"She wasn't much different than Clarke now." Lexa says thoughtfully.

Yeah but what did she like?" Niylah pressed on.

Well Clarke always had her art. It's who she is. When we met she was on more of a sculpting kick rather than painting. God, she was obsessed with it. I guess she was a bit more spontaneous before the kids. I mean we both were. Every weekend, she would to drag me all over the states to these random art exhibits she'd read about online. One time, we ended up in this tiny town on the outskirts of Birmingham and it was such a weird little place. We wound up spending most of the day in this little dive bar near the exhibit and she got so drunk off white russians that we couldn't even go to the one night only exhibit. God, she was so pissed and so hungover the next morning." Lexa smiles fondly at the memory. Niylah just nods and looks down and her and Clarke's hands. Lexa clears her throat awkwardly. She forgot who she was talking to for a minute.

"She never does anything like that with me." Niylah smiles sadly and there a silence between them before Niylah starts speaking again. "White russians huh?" Niylah chuckles softly but there is something sad behind her voice.

"I told her it was a bad idea, but you know Clarke." Lexa says softly before looking at Clarke's face again.

"I don't think I do actually.." Niylah mumbles quietly. Lexa looks up at her confused. "Not like you do."

"Niylah, I..I've just known her for most of my life." Lexa isn't sure why she's comforting Clarke's soon to be ex girlfriend right now. She isn't sure why she feels the need to justify herself right now.

"You still love her right?" Niylah asks quietly. "I mean I think she still loves you. She doesn't think I know but she has a million paintings of you in our attic...and they aren't all old. Some of them are fresh. I can tell you are still her muse. She paints you all the time and almost every picture that you aren't in is filled with a very specific green, just like your eyes." Niylah says softly.

"I'm not sure if right now is the right time for this, Niylah." Lexa says, trying to avoid the question.

"Lexa, please. I've been sitting here for hours staring at you and your family. You should see the way you look at Clarke. It's...god, I wished she looked at me that way. But she doesn't and I feel like I am intruding right now. It's a really weird feeling so I need to know if you still are in love with her. I need to know if me being here is warranted. I need to know if Clarke would even want me here."

Lexa meets Niylah's eyes and softly sighs. "Clarke will never not be the love of my life." Lexa says simply. She doesn't want to be cruel to Niylah. She won't lie. She has always disliked the girl in front of her but now she kind of feels bad for her. She never imagined this conversation in this place, nor would she have ever wanted to.

"And she loves you." Niylah says it and it's not a question but Lexa feels like the need respond.

"I..I can't speak for Clarke but..." Lexa says quietly. "I won't ever stop fighting for her, but you already know that."

Niylah clears her throat and laughs bitterly. "I've known that for quite a while now..It's why I've always been so rude to you. I just..I was hoping for something I knew would never be. I was hoping my instinct on this was wrong."

Lexa sits there quietly. She feels the need to say sorry but she doesn't. She could never be sorry for fighting for Clarke. Niylah collects her purse and her things and begins to sit up.

"Niylah, you don't have to leave..Clarke would want you here." Lexa says weakly.

"Don't start lying to me now Lexa. I was just starting to like you...well I suppose now I'm lying too." Niylah says with a soft chuckle and a wistful look in her eyes. "Please just let me know that she's okay when you hear more news."

Lexa nods and with that, Niylah walks out the door. Lexa sighs deeply and gently pushes the blonde hair out of Clarke's eyes.

"Seems like you dodged a bullet with that conversation, babe." Lexa mumbles to Clarke and kisses her forehead. She looks at her with so much love in her eyes. "I love you so much Clarke. You need to wake up for me and our babies. You need to pull out of this for us honey. God, I love you. Please Clarke." Lexa kisses Clarke's hand and closes her eyes.

About ten mote minutes pass by when Lexa notices some light movement in Clarke's face. She sees Clarke's eyebrows furrow and hears Clarke clear her throat a bit. Lexa feels her heart beating faster now.

"Clarke? Baby, it's me. Open your eyes, I'm here." Lexa says in a hurried whisper. She motions over with her other arm for Abby to rush into the room.

Clarke's eyes flutter open and closed. Everything is blurry and the pain is absolutely unbearable. She feels like she was just hit by a truck, which ironically is the most accurate and literal of statements to describe it, to say the least.

She starts to open her eyes and all she sees is Lexa. She's not sure what happened. Her memories are slowly piecing together in the first seconds that she is conscious again. It feels a little hard to breathe and she definitely feels like she's heavily medicated. She starts to feel anxious about being in a hospital bed of all places but then she hears Lexa's voice; she sees her green loving albeit worried eyes; she feels Lexa's warm shaky hands gripping tightly to her own. The woman she loves is here with her. Through every hardship Lexa is there. She is always there. For the rest of her life, which apparently was almost just cut tragically short, Clarke never wants to let go of her love ever again. And she never will.