“They always leave.” Liv started as she sat on Dr. Lindstrom’s couch, fidgeting with her shirt sleeves. Seeing him twice a week and trying to work with Casey was stretching her thinner than she thought she could go. Liv could kick herself for returning to work so soon after what happened to her last month, the ordeal in the townhouse, but she knew her squads needs outweighed her own.
If I get one more...save one more kid it’s all worth it right?
“Olivia?” his gentle, professional tone took her out of her thoughts and still unnerved her even after several sessions with him.
“Yeah?” she asked as he folded his hands on his lap.
“You were sharing a thought, that they always leave. What did you mean by with that?”
Even though it was irrational for her to do so, she bucked against answering the question.
“It means nothing...it’s just a thought.”
The ‘tsk’ sound he made gnawed at her psyche.
“All thoughts have meaning Olivia, even the ones you don’t want to discuss.
A chuckle fled her lips and then a sigh, “The ones I don’t want to discuss? What about what I can’t talk about? Legally with her--” she tried to catch the deeper issue belying the sentiment but the widening of Dr. Lindstrom’s eyes spoke to her
“So you aren’t able to discuss this situation with Casey because she’ll be working on the case, but a more personal conversation can happen, Olivia.”
She stood up and crossed her arms, “That could cause issues with her trying the case because we are together but not out, officially...”
“Olivia you need to talk to Casey about what happened to you inside.”
Olivia frantically shook her head.
“No...she can’t know that I--”
Dr. Lindstrom stood up and moved next to her, “-that you were scared and in a situation where you didn’t know what to do? You may have twenty years of experience out on the field, but still, no amount of training removes the fear of such an intense situation.”
“But it should!” Olivia snapped at him, “What’s the point of doing what I do if I’m going to freeze every time?! How do I save people or keep my squad together if I can effectively lead?!”
She hated the tears welling up in her eyes, her own biological reaction to her hurt betraying her will to be strong, to be perfect.
“Olivia,” Dr. Lindstrom tenderly rested his hand on her back, rubbing it as she felt herself breakdown, “you and Casey are long overdue for this talk, while you can’t be open in public, you need to be open with her about your feelings in private. She’s got to be worried about you-”
Olivia sniffled and replied, “All she does is take care of Noah when she isn’t working over time...I can’t sandbag her with any more than what I have--”
“Do you think Casey Novak, your partner of five years can’t handle you?” he softly asked as they both sat back down on the couch.
“They all leave; Cassidy, Elliot, Haden, they just leave because my job is too much, it’s never ending and yet I stay--”
“Yes, why do you stay? You’re at your twenty, you could retire, parlay your skills into the private sector, work-”
“No, no it just doesn’t feel right,” Olivia wiped her face with her hands, “I can’t just abandon my squad, they’re my family...”
“Family?”
Olivia got up again and walked over to his desk.
“Yes...they are...”
“But?” Dr. Lindstrom injected into the conversation, “what else?”
Olivia glanced up at him, “So are Casey and Noah...”
“Olivia, do you feel as if you are giving up one family for another? That you are torn between what you have and what you’ve built?”
She couldn’t verbally answer, she nodded her head as the timer on Dr. Lindstrom’s desk went off and he walked towards her.
“Talk to Casey,” he said as he turned off the timer and patted her shoulder. He walked over to his door, opening it and letting her out. Olivia took in a breath, collected her belongings and was about to leave when he added, “Olivia, I mean it.”
She left without saying another word.
Casey fought the urge to link her arm with Olivia’s as she saw her lover exit her therapist’s office. With a week of vacation time to use up before the new quarter, Casey was diligently being all things to Olivia to the best of her ability.
“How was-” Casey began but one glance from Olivia and she shut up. She saw Olivia close her eyes and focus in on herself. Ever since the incident she was withdrawn; reading her was borderline insufferable and Casey hated she wasn’t as empathic as her partner.
Olivia opened her eyes, “Dr. Lindstrom things I should talk to you about what happened, not case wise but other...forget it.” her hand reached up to the bridge of her nose and she rubbed it.
“Hey,” Casey started as she reached out and grabbed on to Olivia’s hand, “Don’t tell me that your therapist wants you to talk to me and then not want to, Liv...”
Casey walked in front of her face, “We need to talk, we have this whole week. Noah is with Lucy for a while and we have some time for ourselves, for us.”
A bit of light returned to her beloved’s irises and Casey felt a flash of hope.
“Okay, we’ll talk...later. I just want to get home and lie down, okay?”
Casey gingerly held Olivia in her arms and felt her lover’s weight in her arms, against her body.
“Okay but please, talk to me.”
Noah ran ahead of her and Casey towards the large, brightly colored play set that he adored to play on. Seeing his joy as he started to make his way up the steps caused her to smile. Olivia could hear him giggling as he went down the slide; he had been persistent all morning long that they all go to the park to have fun as if he could sense her pain.
“I’m glad you came to the park with us, the air will help...” Casey softly said as she linked her arm with Olivia’s.
“I do feel better being out, but did he have to ask fourteen times?” Olivia teased as a smile spread over Casey’s face.
“What can I say? He gets it from you.”
Olivia laughed, “Yeah, he clearly doesn’t get it from you, the lawyer in the family...”
“Oh no, he gets it from you...” Casey laced their gloved fingers together.
“I guess so...” Olivia answered as she saw Noah swinging on one of the kid friendly swings. His smile lit up her soul and gave her a somber insight.
How many kids aren’t as lucky as you?
Her thought was broken up by Casey’s arm wrapping around her waist. Olivia’s mind flickered to the incident; she was being held hostage, a gun to her temple as Joe, the man in charge was wrapping his arm around her waist, his hand grazing her breast. She flinched as the moment fled her consciousness; Casey pulled her arm back, her lover’s blue eyes apologizing before her red lips did.
“You flashed, didn’t you? I’m sorry, I--” Casey stammered as she put on a brave face and waved at Noah.
“No, I didn’t Casey, I just...” Olivia pushed the memory aside as she held Casey. She wanted to run out of the park, down the road and into traffic, the recollection of his touch making her recoil in disgust. She hugged Casey tighter.
“I’ll be fine, don’t worry-” Olivia saw the change in Casey’s expression.
“All I can do is worry Olivia, you barely eat and you’re up all hours...can we talk, please?” Casey pleaded with her.
“We’ll talk, I promise, but we need to keep an eye on Noah-”
Casey pointed at Noah, “He’s fine Liv, you on the other hand!” she pushed away from Olivia’s embrace.
“Casey—I don’t want to draw any attention to us...I--”
“Really?! We’re a lesbian couple with our adopted son in the middle of a park trying to poorly conceal an argument, we’re not normal!” Casey shouted as her arms flew up at her sides. A few of the parents looked at them, examining her and Casey.
Now we’ve drawn observers, thanks Casey!
“I don’t want to do this here, or now!” Olivia shot back as Casey’s eyes grew large with anger.
“Oh you don’t want to have this talk ever, at least own it Liv!-” Casey glared at the small crowd and gave them the evil eye, effectively dispersing them before she continued, “I’m sorry horrible things happened but we need to have this conversation and we need to have it before I lose my damn mind-”
“-Mommy! Casey Look!” Noah shouted with glee as both women glanced at him. He was all the say on top of the jungle gym.
“Noah!” Casey exclaimed as Olivia watched her sprint over to the spot below where he was now swinging from. Noah had dropped down to his arms, dangling from the bar above him, laughing without realizing the terror he was inflicting upon Casey. Olivia watched Casey play off her worry as Noah’s legs rested on her shoulders and she carried him back over to her. As they moved away from the jungle gym, he started to fuss but Casey whispered to him, sat him down on the ground and he ran over to Olivia.
“Hey there buddy! You got so high up!” Olivia picked him up and held him close to her as he whispered in her ear. Hearing his request brought tears to her eyes as she glanced up at Casey, who gave her a remorseful look.
“Can you talk to Casey now, mommy?” Noah repeated as Olivia swallowed the lump in her throat. She smiled at him.
“Yes, I will...but you’ve gotta get home and take your nap.”
Noah nodded his head as Casey walked back to them, red spots appearing under her eyes.
“Please.” Casey murmured as Olivia picked up their bags.
“Okay...”
Casey walked back into the living room after putting Noah down for his nap. Olivia was sitting on their sofa, her legs tucked beneath her body as she nursed a cup of tea. Casey grabbed a blanket, wrapped it around her shoulders and sat down on the other side of the sofa, studying her for a few moments before Olivia turned her attention towards her.
“I got him to sleep without exhausting every five-minute fairy tale, personal best if I do say so myself.” Casey stated as she felt a smirk come across her face and knew Olivia was taking it in.
“He likes when you read to him, you’re better with him than you give yourself credit for.” Olivia reached out and held on to her hand, the warmth radiating off of her lover’s touch was desperately needed. It had been weeks before the incident that they had been intimate and Casey craved the attention.
“Thanks for putting him down for his nap.” Olivia added as Casey caressed the top of Olivia’s hand. She felt guilt having envy over Olivia’s soft, olive colored complexion, but her lover was able to enjoy the sun far better than she was.
“I’m sorry I used him as an emotional bomb on you, especially at a park in broad daylight while we were arguing...it was a last resort move.”
Olivia let out a huff as she stood up and pulled her hand back.
“Seriously? Last resort?! Casey, we’ll talk-”
The urgency to express her feelings hit her in that moment and funneled out of Casey’s mouth.
“No, damnit! Just stop!!”
Olivia sat down her mug and rolled her eyes.
“Okay!” she over-enunciated every word, “I’m stopping and doing everything that I need to do for everyone else!”
Casey clenched her hands into fists and forced them to stay at her sides. The melodrama from her lover was overkill and resisting the urge to call her out on it was no longer feasible for her to do.
“You aren’t doing what you really need to do and you know it! Olivia, why won’t you talk to me?! Is it because it hurts too much or I’m not who you want or need anymore...I--” Casey blinked away a tear, “If I’m not good enough, just say so...but withholding what you’re feeling to be some kind of wonder woman isn’t a very charming look on you.”
Casey loathed the harsh thuds her sentences made in the tight silence space around Olivia, but holding in her own hurt was hellish.
Olivia’s body relaxed, “No...I’m not good enough-”
Casey groaned, “This again, the whole ‘never gonna be perfect’ thing?! Olivia I don’t need you to be perfect, I just need you! Noah needs you, your family needs you-”
“Yes, yes they do!” Olivia shouted as Casey recoiled in her spot.
“They?! So...argumentatively not, ‘us’?” Casey fired back.
The pronounced suffering on Olivia’s face gave away all of the emotional underpinnings that Casey suspected were holding her back.
“Liv-”
“--I!” Olivia clamped her lips tights as Casey interconnected her intuitions.
“We’re your second family and they’re your first...or you can’t decide which family gets the real, genuine you...Liv I need you, now more than ever, but just tell me what is wrong, what is bothering you...please!”
Olivia collapsed into a pile of limbs as Casey felt her sobs tear away from her.
“I don’t know! I don’t know what it is! I can’t put a finger on it, like I get a piece of it and the whole thing just breaks apart! I—I hate it! I hate myself!!” Her lover wailed as Casey stood and looked Olivia break down as her own body shook with anxiety. Their five years together couldn’t be discarded over this situation, Casey wasn’t going to stand for it.
We’ve worked so damn hard to be us, to live and love...I’m not tossing that aside over this…
“Liv...” Casey cooed as she stepped closer to Olivia’s side.
“No...just...” Olivia sobbed as Casey knelt next to her and held her.
“Just what? Liv, no matter what it is, I’ll listen, I promise...just tell me what it is!” Casey begged as Olivia rested her head in the crook of her neck, her breath ragged as it exited her lips in bursts.
“I did nothing inside of there Casey, I did nothing, I just froze...” Olivia breathlessly got out as Casey rocked her in her arms.
“Liv, you can't despise yourself, it was a nightmare but you got through it, and I'm gonna nail the bastard who hurt you and that family—I'll...” her own emotions choked Casey as she stopped talking and kissed Olivia's forehead.
“I just keeping her screams from the other side of the wall, I see the face of that woman, I should have tackled her, grabbed the gun but I didn't...I did nothing.”
Casey stroked Olivia's hair, “Liv you survived, you did what you could in those moments, I...” the insight stunned Casey as Liv looked up at her. Keeping her discovery hidden was impossible as Olivia read her face.
“Casey, I--”
“You were thinking about us, about Noah and me, you—you couldn't do anything because we were at the forefront of your mind, you family was more important than that family you were trapped inside with.”
Casey felt her heart break into pieces as her insight proved to be correct. Olivia's face bunched up in shame and Casey hated her ability to read people like Olivia could; knowing how badly she was hurting all this time ate at her, little by little. Liv wailed as Casey continued to hold her and assure her that she wasn't a meager officer, but instead who she needed the most.
“You're human Liv, you made a choice in an impossible situation and it's done with. Beating yourself up about it doesn't change what happened to them...look at me...” Liv's eyes looked up at her, “you aren't weak because you thought about us...you aren't weak at all. I—I love you more than I can even begin to get into.”
Casey held on to Olivia who in turn did the same thing for her as the shared nuances of their love moved towards each other again. Casey saw the light in Olivia's eyes like before and kissed Olivia passionately. Months had passed without a gesture expressing the love between them, the kiss was welcomed and returned in equal measure.
“Mommy? Casey?” Noah's shy voice broke them apart, Casey more flustered than Olivia from his presence.
“No-Noah!” Casey blushed as Olivia wiped her face and went over to him. She scooped him up in her arms.
“What's wrong mommy?” he asked with a perplexed look on his face.
“Mommy was just talking to Casey, sweetie, I was--”
Casey walked over to them and hugged them both tightly as she finished Olivia's thought.
“--she was being really brave little man, we had our talk.” Casey gave him a kiss on the cheek as Olivia looked at her.
“I love you both, so much...” Olivia said as Noah grinned.
“Did your talk make you feel better, mommy?”
Casey rested her head against Olivia as her lover answered him.
“Yes, yes it did.”