Chapter 42
Clarke glanced at the clock while she searched though her closet for something to wear. It was finally Valentine's Day and she had to be at Polis in couple of hours to perform.
“You know that I don’t blame you,” she said as she glanced over her shoulder at Octavia, who was sitting on her bed. It had been a week since the accident and even though they had already talked about it, Octavia seemed to be having a really hard time shaking her guilt.
Octavia looked down and simply shook her head.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Clarke reminded her firmly.
“I pushed you,” Octavia shook her head. “I didn’t realize how much of an emotional overload I was sending you into. I didn't even think about it.”
Clarke nodded and pulled her black dress out of the closet. “I could have handled it better,” she responded. “I didn’t have to run away. I chose to. There was no way that you could have known that I’d do that. When do I ever?”
“That’s true,” Octavia nodded slightly. “I was shocked when you did.”
Clarke herself had honestly been shocked to. She was never one to back down or run away. She’d always fight, even if she was wrong. It was just what she did. “It wasn’t your fault,” she repeated.
“So,” Octavia said after a few minutes. “What are you going to do?”
“About what?” Clarke asked as she pulled her hair up, examining the remnants of the cuts on her face.
“Lexa.” Octavia answered quickly. “I mean, you’re in love with her, Clarke.”
Clarke felt her entire body stiffen. “Please, don’t say that,” she said quietly.
“Say what?” Octavia asked, looking slightly confused.
“That I’m in love with Lexa,” Clarke answered.
“But,” Octavia’s face twisted up in further confusion. “You are in love with Lexa.”
“I know that,” Clarke sighed and shook her head, “but I can’t be.” Nope. Absolutely not.
“Can or can’t,” Octavia shrugged simply. “You still are.”
“O, please…” Clarke began.
“Ahem,” a noise came from the doorway.
Clarke spun around so fast that she almost fell. “Raven?” Her eyes went wide. “What are you doing here?”
“Makeup,” Raven answered with a shrug. “You asked for my help. I knocked, but no one answered and the door was open.”
Clarke’s eyes narrowed. “How much did you hear?” Please, say nothing. Please, say nothing!
“Enough.” Raven replied as she walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed.
Well, shit. “Fuck my life,” Clarke rubbed her eyes.
“If it makes you feel any better,” Raven grinned. “I didn’t hear anything that I didn’t already know.”
“Not even the slightest bit better,” Clarke rolled her eyes and took a deep breath.
Great. Just, great. Now not only did Octavia know, but Raven knew too. Screwed. That’s what she was. Completely screwed. Fuck. If Lexa found out everything would become instantly weird. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!
“Calm your shit, Griffin,” Raven told her quickly with a wave of her hand. “It’s not like I’m going to tell her.”
“Promise that you won’t,” Clarke sternly pointed at them. “Both of you.”
“Of course we promise, Clarke.” Octavia responded immediately. “But, you really should tell her.”
“No,” Clarke said loudly as she shook her head. Definitely not happening.
“Then what are you going to do?” Raven inquired curiously.
“Nothing,” Clarke replied and redirected her attention to her makeup.
“What do you mean nothing?” Octavia sat forward. “How can you do nothing?”
“There’s nothing to do,” Clarke sighed, feeling herself getting slightly frustrated. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.”
“Do you know how insane you sound?” Octavia shook her head. “Of course it was supposed to happen. You two should have gotten together years ago.”
“I have to agree.” Raven nodded.
“I told you, it wasn’t like that,” Clarke responded quickly. “It’s never been like that.”
“But, what if it could be like that?” Octavia asked her.
Clarke warmed at the thought, but quickly shook it from her head. “I’m not going to ruin everything that Lexa and I have by trying to turn it into something that it’s not. I can’t,” she responded as something tightened in her chest.
She took a deep breath. Every emotion that she’d ever felt where Lexa was concerned seemed to have been suddenly amplified by this revelation and it was almost more than her heart could take. She couldn’t tell Lexa. She just couldn’t. The possibility of losing her or their friendship was a chance that she was just not willing to take. She just couldn't. She wanted to deny it, to pretend that she’d never realized it, but she couldn’t, because now everything made sense. It had always been her, only her.
“Earth to Clarke,” Raven said as she waved her hand in front of her.
Clarke blinked. “Sorry?”
“What are you so worried about?” Octavia asked her.
“I can’t lose her,” Clarke answered simply. “I just can’t.”
“What do you think?” Raven asked suddenly. “Like, she’d get angry?”
Clarke shook her head. “No, not necessarily that she’d be mad,” she answered. “Just that things would be weird – different.”
Octavia sighed heavily as she pushed her hair back off of her shoulders.
“Look, let’s just drop it, okay?” Clarke finally said as she began to get changed. “I have to get ready.”
“You can’t avoid her forever.” Raven told her.
“I’m not avoiding her,” Clarke insisted simply. “Just, this.”
Octavia and Raven exchanged a look, both knowing full well that there was no way that this could possibly end well.
Hours later Clarke was on the stage at Polis. The place was packed and had been for a while with no signs of it slowing up any time soon. Lexa still hadn’t made an appearance, even though she said that she would, and this had Clarke feeling more than slightly disappointed. Lexa wouldn’t forget, would she? No. Lexa said that she’d drive her home. They just talked about it the other day. She wouldn’t forget. She’d turn up eventually.
The next three songs melted away and the whereabouts of Lexa was starting to weigh heavilyy on her mind, until she glanced back over to the bar and saw a familiar mass of dark curls. Instantly a warmth spread though her, but then just as quickly, she felt herself burn as she watched Lexa chatting and laughing with Echo again.
As soon as the song ended Clarke turned around and grabbed her bottle of water. Rolling her eyes she took a long sip and tried to calm the sudden fire that was building in her belly. This was bad. She had no right to be jealous. They were just talking. But, at the same time, Clarke couldn’t help but remember the wink that Echo had thrown Lexa’s way once. Just the mere thought caused Clarke’s lips to tighten. Nope. Stop it. She’s not yours.
“Fuck it,” Clarke muttered to herself before turning to the band. “I’m taking five,” she told them and walked off of the stage.
Clarke approached the bar with a smile. As frustrating as it was to see the two of them talking and possibly flirting, she had to admit, it was good to see Lexa. She had missed her.
“Hey,” She said brightly as she got close.
Lexa turned, the side of her mouth instantly twitching into a grin. “Hey,” she responded softly and stepped forward, leaning into to greet her.
But instead of the normal cheek kiss, their lips met in a soft, warm kiss. It was over before it even started, but that didn’t stop Clarke’s mind from reeling as she stepped back.
Oh shit. Didn’t mean to do that. Definitely didn’t mean to do that. Shit. Play it cool.
“Nice to see you, too,” she grinned smoothly. “I was starting to think that you weren’t going to show.”
“Sorry,” Lexa blinked, “I got held up with an editor. You sounded great up there though.”
“Thank you,” Clarke smiled.
“Here you go,” Echo said as she set a glass on the bar. “Vodka neat.”
“Thank you,” Lexa smiled pleasantly and lifted the glass to her lips.
Clarke fingers instantly itched to knock the glass away, so she clasped her hands together in front of her and sent a polite, but small smile toward Echo. The two chatted for a few minutes, but because her break was so short, it wasn’t long before Clarke found herself making her way back to the stage, feeling thoroughly uncomfortable about leaving Lexa with Echo.
“Clarke?” A voice caught her attention.
Turning, she found it’s source. “Hi Wells,” she smiled.
“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he smiled and held two roses out to her.
“Thank you,” she smiled politely and accepted them.
“When I saw Lexa at the bar, I took one out for her too,” he confessed quietly, “but then as I got close, I thought she might just stab me with it, so.”
“She might have.” Clarke laughed and glanced back toward the bar, where she found Lexa’s darkened eyes locked on her.
“Anyway, I’m getting ready to head out, but I wanted to tell you that you've done really well tonight,” Wells told her. "Awesome, actually."
Clarke smiled and thanked him again before turning and continuing her path to the stage.
During the next song, Lexa didn’t take her eyes off of her. In fact, she barely even blinked as she sat listening with her finger absentmindedly rounding the rim of her glass. The look in her eyes sent a shockwave straight to Clarke’s core. Damn. So hot.
Several songs in though, Echo was back and appeared to be eagerly engaging her in conversation. Lexa for the most part, seemed very distracted. Shit. Something was wrong.
When the last song ended, it was finally the end of Clarke’s night and she was beyond glad. She was ready to get out of there, and even more ready to find out what was wrong with Lexa. Was she angry about the kiss? Maybe because it happened in front of Echo? Shit.
Clarke stepped down off of the stage and made her way into a room in the back to collect her things. Suddenly she felt long, warm fingers wrap around her wrist. “Excuse me?” Lexa’s voice filled her ears.
Clarke looked up confused.
In an instant Lexa’s lips were on her and she couldn’t even to attempt to swallow the moan that escaped her as Lexa pulled her close. The kiss was searing and Clarke felt it course through every inch of her body. “I saw you staring at me,” she whispered when their lips parted.
“I was hoping to send a message,” Lexa told her as her lips traced along her jaw.
“And what message was that?” Clarke barely breathed as she tilted her head.
“That you were going home with me tonight,” Lexa practically growled before nipping at Clarke’s ear and raking her hands down to her hips.
Clarke felt her eyes roll slightly, as she kissed her again. “Aren’t we possessive tonight?” She couldn’t contain herself.
Something flickered in Lexa’s eyes and she blinked, looking almost unsure of herself.
Fuck. No. Too much.
Clarke’s hands instantly shot to the back of her neck. “After a greeting like that, I was kind of hoping that this was how the night would end,” she whispered before crashing their lips together again and rolling her body forward.
This time it was Lexa who couldn't suppress a moan. “Let’s get out of here,” she whispered against her lips.
Clarke looked up and nodded before stealing another kiss.
It might have been wrong, but Clarke didn't care. She couldn't care. No. As her fingers intertwined with Lexa’s, her mind reeled again, but she simply couldn't care. There wasn't another place in the world that she would have chosen to be, not tonight - hell, not any night.