Chapter 10
Pulling into the driveway at her parents house, Clarke could already see her father sitting on the porch reading. She sighed in relief at the mere sight of him. He looked up at her and smiled sympathetically when she got out of the car.
“Who called you?” She asked as she approached the porch.
“Octavia,” he answered simply.
“Of course she did.” Clarke mumbled as she sat down and crossed her arms.
Jake waited, not pushing. He knew that when Clarke was ready, when she found her words, she would speak. Ten minutes went by without a word. Finally Jake got up and went to get them some tea. When he came back minutes later, Clarke was crying.
“I fucked up,” she said softly, “and I don't think I can fix it.”
Jake stared at her for a moment, feeling a small from form on his face. “Well kid, tell me what happened,” he said and sat back down.
Clarke took a deep breath. She started with the week that she as sick, explaining what happened when Finn came in and assumed something was going on between her and Lexa. Jake frowned at Finn's reaction.
“I was so annoyed with him,” Clarke said shaking her head. “We weren't doing anything. Lexa was just being sweet and keeping me company."
“Of course not,” Jake nodded.
Next she told him about loosing her time slot at Grounders and how she knew that though it sounded silly, it had really upset her.
“I know it's just a coffeehouse. It’s a small thing,” Clarke shook her head, “but, I had worked hard to secure that spot. I'd been performing there every month for over a year.”
“It’s something that was important to you,” Jake shrugged. “It's understandable that it upset you.”
Clarke nodded. “Right around the same time, I found out that Lexa had been seeing someone,” she explained. “Lexa and I kind of got into an argument about it.”
“Kind of?” Jake picked up his mug and took a sip of his tea.
“Well, she didn't tell me,” Clarke shrugged.
“Do you really think that she should have to?” Jake asked as he set his mug back down. “Maybe she was still feeling her way through it.”
Clarke nodded. That was fair.
Moving on, she told him about what happened the following morning between Finn and Bellamy. How Finn raged at Lexa and she didn't understand why, until she got Finn alone. Jake sighed when she talked about her conversation with Finn and how awful it had made her feel. However, when she talked about her conversation with Lexa, he simply rubbed his eyes.
“Well kiddo, I definitely think it was the way your worded things that caused all of the confusion,” Jake said as he shifted in his seat.
“I know. Lexa is the one that's good with words,” Clarke agreed and stared at the ground. “I'm shit with them.”
“Hey, not always,” he waved his hand, “But, this time, yes.”
“I just thought that if we hung out a little less it would help.” Clarke insisted.
“Oh, I’m sure that you did,” Jake assured her quickly, “but - that's not what you said. You didn't say; Lexa, this is what's going on and I think that if we didn't spend quite so much time together, right now, it would help," he shook his head. "No. you said; Lexa, I need space from you because you're a hinderence on me and Finn working things out.”
Clarke released a sigh of frustration and dropped her head into her hands. “I know what I said,” she muttered.
“Then own it. You fucked up, kid.” His tone was slightly harsher.
“I tried. I called her a bunch of times, but she wouldn't call me back,” Clarke slightly snapped.
“Did you go see her?” Jake bit back and her face instantly answered his question. “Why not?”
Clarke explained how everything had happened. What happened with Anya, and then Jasper. How with Lexa not returning her calls she'd thought that she had just needed time to clear her head. It fit with Lexa's way of doing things. And of how not hanging out as much had, in fact, been her suggestion, so she backed off.
“Okay, I can understand that.” Jake nodded. “Then what happened?”
Clarke clenched her jaw slightly and shook her head. “Costia.”
“Who?” Jake asked as his face twisted in confusion.
Clarke went on to explain who Costia was, how she had been the one to get her time slot and the video chat with Lexa. Jake grinned.
“What could you possibly be grinning about?” Clarke asked, feeling totally put off.
“I have to give it to Lexa,” Jake continued to grin. “She's a sassy little shit, but a very well-mannered one.”
Clarke glared at his appreciation and rolled her eyes, but then went into the announcement about the weekend at Raven’s and the fight that then ensued between her and Jasper.
“He called me a self-absorbed bitch,” Clarke said furiously, “and Octavia agreed.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn't have been acting like one.” Jake said with a shrug.
“I wasn't trying to,” Clarke defended.
“Be that as it may,” her father shook his head, “you still were.”
Clarke deflated a little bit and frowned, though deep down - she knew it was true.
And then finally, Polis and the previous night.
“Jesus Christ, Clarke,” Jake shook his head as he rubbed the back of his neck. “You've been busy making a mess of things.”
Clarke was sitting with her head in her hands. “I'm shit with words,” she mumbled.
Jake looked at her and nodded.
After a few minutes of silence, Jake sat forward and cleared his throat. “It's time for you to stop being so stubborn," he told her. "You and Lexa are both beyond stubborn and proud. I would bet that things aren't quite how they appear.”
“Or they're exactly as they appear and she hates me.” Clarke said without looking at him.
“Lexa doesn't hate you,” he shook his head quickly.
Clarke looked up, her eyes hopeful. “Do you really believe that? I've been really horrible.”
Jake simply sighed. “If you want to fix it – really fix it, you need to go see her.”
Clarke knew he was right. “I need to talk to Finn too,” she nodded.
“Yes actually, you do,” Jake sat back again. “I’m not going to pretend to be overly impressed with him right now. I understand that you made the decision to take a step back, but really, he should have stopped you. Finn’s insecurities are exactly that. Finn’s. It shouldn’t have been you trying to make changes to fix them.”
“Finn said that all of my spare time was spent with Lexa, so I just thought that if I spent some more time with him, it might help him not feel so insecure.” Clarke raised her voice slightly. “I didn’t expect Lexa to think that I didn’t want anything to do with her anymore. We had just talked about how I’d never choose anyone over her!”
“Think about what you said to her, Clarke,” Jake snapped briskly.
“I know how it came out,” Clarke’s face was getting red. Why was she so bad with words? She took a calming breath. “When I called her a hindrance, I was talking about the amount of time that we spent together. That was all.”
“But, that’s not what you said,” he shook his head. “And then, to add insult to injury, you imply that it’s understandable that Finn doesn’t want you two to be alone together.”
“He said it made him uncomfortable,” Clarke raised her hands and shrugged.
“Why?” Jake questioned her quickly. “Because she’s gay or because you two have slept together?
“Dad!” Clarke face instantly flushed with heat. What the hell?
“What?” Jake chuckled lightly. “Did you really think that we didn’t know?”
“We?” Clarke’s eyes went wide. “Mom knows?”
“You’re kidding, right?” Jake laughed as eyebrows went up. “Clarke, you girls are far from subtle and I’m not sure that either of you understand the definition of quiet.”
Clarke covered her face with her hands and wished she could melt into the floor. “Just kill me now,” she muttered.
Jake shook his head. “Oh, stop it,” he said waving his hand.
Everyone knew that she had slept with Lexa, Clarke knew this, however, she just didn’t know that everyone, also included her parents. God. How long had they known?
“So, has spending more time with Finn helped?” Jake asked after giving Clarke a moment to collect her thoughts.
“Not so much,” Clarke mumbled without making eye contact. As much as it frustrated her, she couldn’t deny that her relationship with Finn hadn’t seemed to strengthen any.
“Sounds to me like he’s someone else who needs to figure his shit out,” Jake said sharply.
Her father was right. Finn’s issues were his own and she shouldn’t have made them hers. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she came to see that there really wasn’t anything that she could have done to help Finn with his insecurity. Their relationship wasn’t perfect but, Clarke was with him. She had chosen to be with him and that should have been enough for him to see.
“What if Lexa won’t see me?” Clarke changed the subject. “I mean, I’ve been really awful.”
“You accept it,” Jake answered simply. “But, I don’t think that’ll happen.”
Clarke looked at up at him unsure. “Why not?”
“I just can’t see her doing it,” Jake got to his feet and leaned back against the railing. “You messed up. You chose poor wording and then got defensive and said stupid things. Later, you tried to explain, but she didn’t return your calls. So, you figured Lexa was just being Lexa, which actually does makes sense," he agreed. "But, then you got mad, so you stopped trying. I mean, did it ever occur to you that maybe she didn’t get the messages? Or had deleted them without listening to them? She was upset, after all.”
Clarke sat back in her chair. Honestly, the thought that Lexa hadn’t listened to her messages never crossed her mind. “You think?” She asked as the wheels in her head began to turn.
“Uh, yeah,” Jake responded. To him it seemed totally plausible.
“But, what about all of this with Costia?” Clarke crossed her arms. “Like, what the hell? Why would she do that to me?”
“Clarke, come on!" Jake rolled his eyes. "How do you know that Lexa and Costia didn’t simply run into Kane, and Lexa was just introducing them,” he shrugged, “Again, sassy little shit, but a very well-mannered one.”
Clarke felt her shoulders drop. Well shit. Okay, that made sense too. “But, then why didn’t she just say that?”
Jake’s blue eyes narrowed. “You really have to ask?”
Clarke thought for a moment and shook her head. “Self-absorbed bitch,” she muttered softly as her cheeks burned red again.
Jake gave her a very typical dad-look and crossed his arms. “Uh huh,” he nodded.
Suddenly tears were swimming in Clarke’s eyes. Was it possible that everything that had been going on was all due to miscommunication and misinterpretation?
“Listen, you two, for whatever reason, you’re connected – you always have been Its always been you two," Jake moved and squatted down in front of her. "But, I told you, you can both be very pigheaded and far too proud.”
Clarke acknowledged this with a simple nod. It was true.
“Those two traits alone are enough to insure that things will get messy from time to time. You’ll be pissed off or upset and say something stupid,” his voice was softer. “Or you’ll just be stupid and end up hurting each other. You’re human, it happens. I mean, look at me and your mother.”
“Yeah, but you two are married.” Clarke pointed out with a laugh.
“Yes we are, but it’s not so different,” he told her with a warm smile. “I married my best friend.”
Clarke smiled at his statement.
“Do you remember what you and Lexa used to say about each other when you were younger?” He asked.
Clarke thought for a moment. Of course. “That we’d walk through hell for one another,” she said softly, “and with one another. “
Jake nodded. “Sometimes, the hell we find ourselves walking though, is one that we’ve created.”
He was right.
“So, what is it that you want to see happen next?” Jake questioned her as he stood back up.
Clarke sat thinking, but only one thought came to mind. “I just want her back,” she finally said. “I miss her so much.”
“Then you know what you need to do,” he sat down in his chair. “Give yourself a few days, paint, sketch, write music– just, do you. Get your head clear, and then go see her.”
Clarke leaned over and gave him a hug.
“And Clarke,” his voice was low, “leave your pride at the door. I know that you're scared, but Lexa doesn't hate you.”
“How do you know?” Clarke whispered into his neck.
"Because," Jake grinned and gave her back a rub, “you two don't know how to hate each other.”
When Clarke got back to her apartment both Octavia and Raven were waiting for her.
“Feel better?” Octavia asked as she pulled her into a hug.
“Much,” Clarke nodded. There was something about the talks she had with her father, maybe it was because he was her father, but his words always seemed to sink in better, even more-so than her own thoughts.
“Ready to finally start fixing shit?” Raven raised her eyebrows curiously.
“Almost,” Clarke answered as she returned Raven’s keys.
“Where will you start?” Octavia questioned as she pushed her dark hair off of her shoulder.
Clarke took a deep breathe. “Fucking Finn,” she sighed. “But, not right now," she turned and walked off toward her bedroom. "Now, I'm going to paint.
Octavia and Raven watched as she left, they glanced at each other, both thinking the same thing. Well, can't get much worse, right?
“I love that man.” Octavia smiled.
“Don't we all,” Raven nodded.
Clarke painted for the rest of the day and the following day when she got out of work. On Tuesday evening when Finn came over, she told him that she had made the wrong decision. He wasn't happy.
“Come on, Clarke,” he snapped at her. “Things have been fine for months. You don't need to go back to hanging out with Lexa.”
“That's the point you're missing, Finn,” Clarke raised her voice. “I want to hang out with Lexa. I miss hanging out with Lexa. I miss her.”
Finn crossed his arms and glared at her. “This is such bullshit.”
“No," Clarke shook her head. "What's bullshit it that you'd actually want me to give up my best friend, because you think she wants to fuck me.”
“Because she has fucked you,” he shouted.
“So what?” Clarke said sharply. “I mean, that is kind of how consensual sex works, isn't it?”
Finn's eyes narrowed as his jaw tightened. “So, I don't like the thought,” he said firmly.
“Well, I don't know why you're thinking about it, Finn,” Clarke folded her arms and eyed him. “It's none of your business.”
Finn didn't reply. Instead he merely shook his head and stood seething.
“I'm going to try and fix things with Lexa,” Clarke finally told him. “You do what you have to do.”
Shaking his head, Finn walked out and slammed the door behind him.
“Are you okay?” Octavia asked as she poked her head into Clarke's room a few minutes later.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”Clarke assured her with a nod.
“He didn't take it so well, huh?” She asked.
“Nope.” Clarke shook her head.
Octavia crossed the room and sat down next to her. “Have you figured out when you're going to talk to Lexa?”
“Tomorrow night,” Clarke replied as she tucked her hair behind her ear. “Raven said I can borrow her car after work.”
The following day Clarke was sitting on the couch, munching on some leftover takeout with Octavia before she had to go into work and her phone kept going off from an unidentified number.
“Just answer it next time.” Octavia told her as she shifted positions.
“Uh huh,” Clarke said as she took her plate and walked off to the kitchen. “I will.”
As she approached the sink her phone rang out again. Rolling her eyes, she placed her plate in the sink and finally answered it.
“Wait, wait. Slow down,” Clarke said loudly as a voice poured into her ear. “What are you taking about?!”
Octavia spun around on the couch, instantly picking up of the horror in her voice.
Something was definitely wrong.