It is a sunny Friday afternoon and Carol finds herself sitting on a bench by the pond at the park. Carol, with a lit cigarette on her finger, is staring at nothing, drowning in her restless thoughts. God knows how many minutes have passed since she got there. She had just dropped off Rindy at Harge’s and was on her way back to her apartment when she made a detour.
She replays the moment earlier that day in that very same park when she had reached out to hold the hand of her 12 year old but the young blonde quickly withdrew her hand from her mother’s grasp. Surprised by her daughter’s gesture, Carol looked at her with astonishment and disbelief.
“Mom, I’m a big girl now. You don’t have to hold my hand anymore,” Rindy explained with a matter-of-fact tone.
“Oh I see.” She smiled, revealing some wrinkles by her eyes, trying to hide the pain which shot through her heart upon hearing those words that came her daughter.
Although that she now enjoys joint custody of their daughter with Harge, Carol still feels like she has already missed half of her daughter’s life because of the divorce. She is still not ready for Rindy to grow up. Snapping back from her reverie, she takes a long drag from her cigarette and exhales a cloud of smoke before deciding that she should head home.
Home. Home is her empty, bare, and cold Madison Avenue apartment. That’s what her home has been for several years now.
About to get up, Carol suddenly hears a loud wail of a child not far from her. Feeling her maternal instincts overcome her, she follows the cries. Ultimately, the wailings lead her to a girl weeping under a tree by the pond. Seeing that there is no adult present around the child, she presumes that the girl is lost.
Carol quickly diminishes the distance between her and the child and immediately lowers herself to the child’s height to check if the girl is all right. Like a lightning bolt striking her, Carol is taken aback with the sight in front of her. She is stunned, frozen, unable to move. As if all the blood on her face, hell, her whole body was drained out of her. As if someone punched her in her stomach, sucking out all the air inside her. She is gasping for air while clutching her chest that is rising and falling heavily.
“Th- Therese …” Carol whispers.
Now that’s a name that she has not said out loud for a long time. It’s been years since she left Therese in a hotel, it’s been years since she said she loves her, and it’s been years since she waited in vain for her at the Oak Room.
All these years, Carol’s been collecting different photos shot by Therese ever since she learned that the young woman was working for the paper, keeping them safe in a little box back in her apartment. This made her feel somewhat connected and close to her Angel. But this hobby of hers stopped, 4 or 5 years ago, when she couldn't find any photos by a T. Belivet in the Times anymore. She assumed that her former lover may have moved to another city or maybe, even, got married. Carol’s heart still yearns and shouts for the only person that she ever truly loved.
But, alas, the person in front of her is not Therese. It is a little brown haired girl, around 5 or 6 in age, with big round teary emerald eyes, staring back at her with an empty cone in her hand.
Her ice cream must have fallen out of the cone.
Collecting herself, Carol clears her throat before wiping the tears from the face and emerald eyes of the kid.
“Darling, don’t cry,” she softly says, trying to comfort the saddened child in front of her.
“Ice cream … gone …” the little girl manages to reply in between sobs.
“Sweetie, I’m sorry about your ice cream …” Carol says while staring at the emerald eyes in front of her.
“It’s okay … I’ll just have to beg Daddy to buy me a new one but he told me that I can only just have one…” The little girl shrugs while wiping her tears with the back of her and sniffing. Carol can’t help but smile at the childish gesture.
“Oh, that’s too bad. Come with me to the ice cream truck then.” Carol offers her hand to the girl. “Come on, I am going to buy you one … I’ll buy you the flavor of your liking …”
Looking at Carol’s held out hand intensely, the little girl stops sniffing and raises her eyebrow before playing with the hem of her dress. “Ahmmm… maybe?” the little girl shyly replies.
Carol gives out a throaty chuckle at the gesture of the little girl.
“After we buy your ice cream, we’re going to look for your mommy. So let’s go, don’t be shy now.” She held out her hand again.
“A-are you sure? You- you really don’t have to, Ma’am.”
Carol is impressed by how polite the little girl is.
“Yes. Please, I insist.”
Reluctantly, the little girl accepts Carol’s offered hand and for the first time since they met, the girl smiles at her. The deep dimples of her former lover she dearly misses so much suddenly appear from each rosy cheek of the girl. Carol can feel shivers running through her body and, again, she feels her insides shoot with pain as she stares piercingly and longingly at the girl.
All these years, Carol knew that Therese may have eventually marry and built a family to call her own. But the thought of having a man, or even any other human, wrap their arms around her beloved makes her shudder from the inside.
Could it be?
The little girl notices that Carol is staring at her and became self-conscious and rather guilty.
“Ahmm … I really shouldn’t, Ma’am.” The girl then hesitantly withdraws her hand from Carol’s.
“Why?” This is the second rejection for Carol that happened within the day and it breaks her heart. Carol sighs at the thought.
“Um … you look so sad. I think—I think that you could use the ice cream more than me. To make you happy!”
“Don’t worry about me darling. I’m going to be all right,” she says while straightening up.
“And besides, Daddy told me to never go with peculiar strangers,” the girl adds.
The statement makes Carol raise one of her eyebrows.
“All right, little one. How am I peculiar?” she asks playfully.
“Ma’am, you— um ...”
“Go on dear, I don’t bite,” she says with a smile to reassure the youngster that it is al lright to speak her mind.
“It seems that you’re distracted. You’re just staring at me; it's making me a bit uncomfortable,” the girl explains shyly.
Carol throws her head back and laughs at the boldness of this child.
Kids TRULY say the darndest things!
“Do I?! Well, I’m terribly sorry for making you a bit uncomfortable, young lady.”
Carol smiles and the little girl immediately grins back, making the dimples appear once more. Carol catches herself staring at the child again.
Goddamn it. I just have to ask.
“So, where are your parents? Um —where’s your mommy?”
“Daddy just went to the restroom over there.” The girl points towards the direction of the public toilets.
I don’t give a damn about your father. Please tell me where There—um- your mother is!
Carol clears her throat.
“And your mommy?” she asks nervously and holds her breath as she waits for the answer.
Jesus! You’re nervously talking to a toddler! But what if she’s here with her? I mean, I haven’t seen her for a long time. Get a grip, Carol! You don’t know for sure if she really is her child!
As she was having a heated debate with her own thoughts, Carol can hear her heartbeat going as fast as it can inside her chest.
“Um ... Mommy is here.” The girl clutches her hands on her chest.
“Where?” Carols asks, puzzled.
“Here … Daddy said that Mommy went to live in my heart when she gave birth to me so that she can always be with me …”
Hold on! What? What are you telling me?!
Carol is about to push for more details when suddenly …
“Carol! What are you doing?”
Shocked with the sudden outburst from a voice she doesn't recognize, Carol turns around to face the man who’s responsible for that interruption.
“Yes?” she asks the man with a boyish face and sleek black curly hair.
“Carol, I told you to wait for me by the door!” exclaims the man.
Carol is puzzled; she just doesn’t recognize the man and yet, there he is, calling her by her name as if they’ve known each other for years…
Who the hell is this goddamn man?! The nerve!
She is about to respond and ask the man who he is but the man suddenly drops on his knees and opens his arms.
“Come here, you little rascal! I thought I’d lost you!”
Carol dumbly watches the little brown haired girl runs towards the man and hug him back.
Oh. Her name is Carol too.