Glub Glub HUGE BITCH!
Maple Valley
Kankri’s POV:
“Would you kindly eat your veggies?”
“No!”
You have been trying to make your son eat his lunch, but he is as stubborn as Katrina.
“Saitma, you can’t be strong if you don’t eat healthy carrots and broccoli.”
“ONE PUNCH!”
You don’t know how, but your kid punched your face so hard that you fell to the ground. What do Japanese people eat?! For good fortune, the mother of your son arrives to take care of him.
“Okaasan!”
“Akachan!”
Damara takes Saitama from his seat and says something you can’t understand. Why did God had to made so many languages at the Tower of Babel? You already know Spanish, French and Latin as requisites of your career, but the eastern languages are alien to you.
“Eat.”
He does as his mother says.
“How do you…?”
“Baka, you useless at parenting. Check mail. Something for you.”
You are questioning now your reasons for accepting this kind of blasphemous relationship. At first it felt good that you could do your duty to god by reproducing, and then you felt pity for Damara. However, she is still unemployed, the amount of cigarettes in your trashcan is increasing, and there have been a few times when you have surprised her pleasuring herself while watching strange cartoons. Let’s focus on something else to avoid all these unchristian thoughts.
“Let’s see. The usual religious advertisements, a Japanese magazine, a… oh my god, Cronus!” You hide below all the dirty magazines your boyfriend ordered. “And finally, an invitation?”
You read the contentes of the invitation, and then you try to remember who are the happy couple that is going to get the blessing of marriage.
“Damara, do you remember someone by the name of John or Vriska?”
“John kun and Vriska chan? Aradia hates Vriska. John seems nice.”
“Wait, I remember. Weren’t you and Vriska in the sae classroom years ago?”
Now that you remember… wait, how old is Damara? How old was she when you two started dating?
“Sup guys.” Cronus enters the kitchen and retrieves a beer from the refrigerator. “I went to get some pizza, who wants?”
“Cronus, I was making casserole for dinner!”
“Boring, me likes pizza.”
Every time Damara lets Cronus taker her waists with his big arms makes you feel jealous and want to kick her out of the house, but you can’t complain. You have been sinning for weeks and all you can do is pretend to be a good example of a Christian professor/preacher/ sports coach.
“Hey, is that an invitation? Who is getting married?”
“John Egbert and Vriska Serket.”
“Aranea’s cousin? I thought she was banging Meenah.”
“I banged Meenah.” Says Damara with a creepy smile that even made Cronus feel uncomfortable. “Everyone banged Meenah.”
“What?! I didn’t even got to screw that teenager because of legal reasons, but everyone did?!”
“Vantas too.”
Cronus looks at you with surprise and he lets his cigarrete fall from his mouth.
“Oh my god! How many teens did you slept with before me?! I didn’t had sex until I was out of college!”
“First of all, how dare you speak to me about sexual experiences? And second, they were 18 years old girls, and I respected them as much as I respect you.”
“So I am just your casual high school girl to seduce?!”
While you and Cronus are ranting to each other, Damara takes your son upstairs so he can sleep. Sharing a household with two lovers isn’t something you planned with your life, but somehow you don’t regret it.
Later that night.
“Ok, boys.” Damara makes plays with her whip a bit while you and Cronus lay on the bed with your wrists and ankles tied. “Are you ready?”
“Yes!” You scream.
“How did I got convinced to do this?” Cronus asks.
This is going to be a long night.
Meenah’s POV:
It is the same routine as always.
“It was really nice…”
“Yeah yeah, go get some coffee and be gone.”
She was a nice girl, but this was casual. It is always casual. You always wake up next to someone, either be an innocent girl you met at Porrim’s meetings, a jerk that you manipulated, or a hottie you met at a club. However, there was this girl once, and after her everyone seems dull and boring. Did life even mattered before her?
“I forgot my purse.”
You launch to her the weird anime purse and continue dealing with your depression.
Starbucks.
Why is it that you always come to this place to waste the money your sister sends you? She stayed home to learn the ropes of the family business while you decided to travel the country to find yourself. That was the worst idea ever. Anyway, all you do is eat a muffin and think how you could do a better recipe.
“Do you think it would be too much?” you remember that voice.
“Vris, we are marrying close to…” Wait, did that guy said something about marriage? “I am sure having movie posters of some of Nicolas Cage’s movies wouldn’t be that bad in the reception.”
“You are just being nice since I let you convince me to make deserts about the Ghostbusters.”
You follow the voices and see the back of the beautiful girl you loved at high school. Also, she is with a guy. Wait… SHE IS WITH A FUCKING GUY?!
“You first.” He opens the door to his expensive old fashioned car.
“What a corny gentleman.”
Is she seriously accepting a manly gesture of affection? You remember Vriska saying how she hated men and how she was tired of weakly fuckboys. Why did she accepted this life?! Just as you want to scream, their vehicle goes away, and you try to memorize the plate. Time to do some hunting.
Peixes Mansion.
“Fef, open this codamn door!”
“Meenah, oh what a bubbly surprise!”
You haven’t come here since mom escaped to avoid a scandal, and you are really desperate enough to seek help from your sister.
“I am so glad to see you!”
“Yeah, I am awesome. Wow, you look… like mom?”
Feferi is wearing the classic Betty Crocker attire your mother used in tv shows of cooking, which consists on a business woman pink jacket, an entrepreneurial skirt, and some shoes whose heels could be used to stab someone.
“You come in good time. I am preparing for lunch with some friends at the garden…”
“Before you make me meet the Mad Hatter and his furry friends, there are some questions I wan to get the answers for. First, do you know anything about Fishka?”
“Oh god lord, what a coincidence. She came this morning to sign some papers for the banquet of her wedding?”
So this is serious. She is tying the knot, and not with you. The only reason you came here was because you needed someone of trust to tell you the truth… and someone that doesn’t hate you.
“C’mon, the tea is ready!”
Feferi takes your arm and makes you run towards the place where years ago you used to kiss Vriska and smoke weed.
“Hi Feferi!” Says a girl with black hair and glasses. Wait, the two girls sitting at the table have black hair and glasses.
“Jade and I have been waiting for you to join us. There are so many things to talk about, including the big wedding.”
Glasses, black hair, and weird teeth?
“Meenah, this are Jade Harley and Jane Crocker. Jade is John’s sister and Jane is their cousin. Well, actually, it turns out thanks to Jane’s information, that John’s family and ours are related and we all are cousins.”
“Heh.”
Everyone looks curious at you.
“Meenah?”
“It is funny. It is fucking funny that I lost the one I love to a cousin!”
“What is she talking about?” asks the Jane girl.
“Hey, I remember you! You are the one that made Vriska cry at prom!” The nerd girl with the longer hair points at you.
You suddenly remember her as the one that… Oh shit.
“Okay, take it easy Dog Girl.”
“So you do remember what I did.” She grins at you and there a strange feeling of your sins crawling in your back. “Better not try to do something funny, Peixes.”
Feferi looks at you with concern, and you just scoff and turn around. You know they don’t want you, and you don’t care. Whatever! You are going to stop this nonsense and save your girlfriend from the claws of the system somehow.