You ever felt your whole world being destroyed because of something? Like you can feel it crumbling because of an event or someone said something that just really struck you and brought up memories.
Yeah I know the feeling, my entire universe died when....well I’ll just tell you.
Her name was Lexa; she was the Commander of the 13 clans. She was amazing; she had leadership thrusted upon her at a young age. She led with a clear head and a strong heart, but she never let emotions decide for her. She was, incredible to say the least.
She had eyes that rivaled the tops of the trees; a jawline that could cut diamonds. She was ruthless, she was fair, she was her. Everything she did was for her people. She earned the Flame, she earned her title as Commander, and she earned the loyalty of the clans.
Lexa was fierce; she always separated feelings from duty. When the Ice Nation killed the girl she loved and held dear to her she still offered them a place in her coalition. She didn’t allow herself to feel for another person again. She had claimed love was weakness.
But then we met, and by the gods, I will never forget the way she looked.
She was sitting on her throne, playing casually with a knife, her war paint in place, hair pulled back in those intricate braids. She sat on her throne looking as regal as ever, she oozed power.
But those eyes.
Those eyes have forever ruined the tops of the trees, ruined the grass, dulled them down.
Those eyes, that were so bright and vibrant, shined with knowledge, and wisdom and so many other things.
Her eyes were my favorite color, my favorite thing in this universe, they outshone the stars.
I guess I should tell you who I am, my name is Clarke Griffin. I fell from the sky three years ago; during that time I kept my people from going to war, destroyed the biggest threat we had to face and managed to live with the grounders as one. Our culture and people intertwined with one another. We are one.
Three years ago on this day I lost the love of my life. The one who validated me, who actually cared about what I thought, who called me out on my bullshit. Who loved me for who I was, who didn’t make me be The Mountain Slayer or, the leader and Ambassador of Skaikru, or Wanheda. I was just Clarke.
I still remember how she looked at me when we finally came to terms with how we felt about each other, when we finally let our guards down and were just Clarke and Lexa. Not the Commander or Wanheda.
Smiles were shared; tears were shed and…love. We had love.
She was dead in the next few hours.
I don’t know if it was just my past coming to haunt me, some unknown force taking away my happiness after I had taken so many lives. Did I deserve it?
But oh gods, the way she looked when that bullet went through her, when she realized she wasn't going to make it, her last words to me.
I wonder if I hadn’t gone to back to my room if she would still be alive. If I had shut the door, if I hadn’t moved and let Titus shoot me. Would she still be here?
I can’t go back and change it now. She’s gone.
I had to lose her twice, I’m not sure how I even survived it, losing her the first time was devastating. But the second time? God it destroyed me.
I didn’t get the chance to grieve for her until a few months after. When the fighting was finally done and the children of our people could finally go outside and play with one another, no matter if Skaikru or Trikru.
You know, sometimes I can still hear her voice, when I’m walking the halls of Polis tower; I hear her calling out to me. When I hear her, I run to her room, barge in, only to be met with an empty room. There wasn’t need to clean the room, there was no new Commander, there was no more Nightbloods besides Luna, and she still refuses to take the Flame. So I have it, it was no secret of what Lexa and I shared. I carry the Flame with me; I lead our people on my own. It didn’t stop me from sleeping in that bed every night, clutching her pillow trying desperately to fight off the nightmare of her death. It didn’t stop me from cleaning the room, didn't stop me from sleeping there every night.
Sometimes, late at night, when the moon is high in the sky, I swear I can feel her. Feel her arms around me, her breath tickling my neck, lips against my skin.
It’s torture.
I miss her.
But she’s gone.
I guess I should tell you what’s going on currently huh?
Well I’m in her room currently. I can’t stand to be in mine for more than a few seconds, much less even sleep in the very bed that she died in. It didn’t matter that they had gotten the bloodstains out, that image will never leave my mind.
I stood in front of the window, her cape a comforting weight on my shoulder, her headpiece was hanging from my neck, I would never dare to put it on. While I carried Lexa around with me, wearing her armor, her shoulder cape, the Flame, her headpiece, I would never take her title. She was the Commander.
I let out a soft sigh, fighting back memories of her. She died on this day three years ago. I couldn’t save her. Would I have been able to?
I don’t need a mirror to know that I looked like crap. I actually attempt to bathe because I wouldn’t dare crawl in her bed every night reeking of death, blood and dirt. I knew that there were bags under my eyes from nights where if I even tried to sleep, nightmares would wake me up again with a fright, countless nights I just laid in bed, with her pillow clutched tightly to my chest. I fear for the day it stops smelling like her.
“Lexa.” I called out, I’m not sure if she could even hear me. A part of me hopes she can.
“I miss you. It’s been three years. Three years since I last saw you, three long years since I last touched you. I miss you so much. Could I have even saved you? Was it a possibility? Maybe if I had tried hard enough, you would still be here. We would rule together. Our people are united now. They’re happy. I wish you could have seen this,” my fingers toyed with the headpiece, spinning it on the leather string. “I wish you were here. Things would be so much easier. I was right though,” I paused, “you’re legacy is peace. Everyone tells stories about how you are the Commander of peace, you ushered everyone out of the era of war and into a new one. You’re a legend even in,” I stopped. I couldn’t say it, it was too painful even after three years, “even though you’re gone.”
A tear slid down my cheek and a soft smile spread across my face.
“You accomplished so many things Lex, it really sucks you aren’t here to witness it all, how the children run around without a care in the world, people from all the clans get along. The coalition is still going strong, Azgeda has fallen and everyone else is flourishing. Luna still refuses to become the Commander, but it’s alright, I’m leading right now and it seems stable. I don’t want to force her to become the next Commander if she doesn’t want to. God Lexa, things were so much better with you here.”
Tears were falling freely now. I did nothing to stop them.
“You made everything easier, this role wasn’t this hard, God you made it look easy, so fucking easy,” I chuckled, staring out into the young night, watching as the moon begun to rise,, “it hurts you know? It feels like a gaping hole in my chest that won’t close. It just hurts even more every single day you aren’t here. It almost – no it does – serve as a constant reminder that I couldn’t save you. I wish I could have.”
I sighed. I moved from the window to the wardrobe and started undressing carefully, first with the shoulder guard, her sword, and then her armor. I slid on her night dress, the one she wore when she came to my door after the fight with Roan and when she killed Nia.
I slid into bed, clutching her pillow tight to my chest as I stared at the ceiling.
“I miss you so much Lexa, I want and need you back here. But you can’t come back from the dead, no matter what I do or what I did. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though,” I closed my eyes, tears escaping my closed lids, my voice turned into a whisper, “I guess I should sleep now, you would tell me to go to bed if you were here.”
I sobbed openly now, my face hiding in her pillow. I drowned in her scent. I missed her so much.
“Reshop Heda, ai hod yu in.”