Chapter 7
Clarke likes temporary. With temporary you know what you’re getting.
With temporary you don’t have to get attached because you know it will be over soon, temporary is perfect for a guarded heart.
She learnt the hard way that things don’t last, that one minute something can be there and the next it’s gone.
Her grandfather’s death was the first big loss she had to deal with. Even though she knew that it was coming what with his terminal prognosis of heart disease it wasn’t made any easier on her when the inevitable happened.
She had grown up with him by her side, he had been there throughout all the big milestones in her life, he had always leant an understanding ear when her mom and grandmother had begun pushing her in regards to her destined vocation. He had always told her to be herself and live the life SHE chooses.
Jake had been Clarke’s rock through that low point in her life, with both her and Abby leaning on him for comfort and support, he had always been present, sometimes he didn’t even have to utter a word, a silent enveloping of arms around a small and lost body would do.
Then just under a year later Abby and Jake’s relationship had started to become strained. Clarke didn’t notice it at first, it was a gradual decline in communication, they didn’t look at each other the same way anymore, stopped calling each other their usual endearments.
It all came to a head one day when Clarke had come home early from a sleepover at Raven’s. She had become feverish and sniffly and decided that she needed her own bed more than anything else. What she walked into when she entered the living room on a cracked “Mom!” would stay with her for the rest of her life, her mum and her boss Marcus Kane in a rather compromising position. Clarke had immediately burst into a fit of rage, shouting and screaming and then sobbing before leaving the house and just running and running with no idea where her destination was.
Not long after that and she had turned into a frail shell of the girl she once was, the death of the light in her life, her father, had truly broken her for good, extinguished all the hope and positivity in life that she had previously had before her world turned upside down.
Instead of retreating into her shell like she could have done she kind of went off the rails, spending most nights drinking herself into a state and sleeping with anyone she could get her hands on.
Clarke Griffin had never had a proper relationship, with everything that had happened in her life her walls had well and truly been built strong and steadfast. She simply couldn’t allow herself to be placed in a vulnerable situation again, where there’s always the chance that people will leave or simply disappear. So she threw herself into a world of meaningless one night stands where any semblance of pleasure was temporary, where feelings could be segregated and she could just concentrate on her most primal needs in the moment, with no need to ever remember the encounter in the morning. She liked it that way, well, until now that is. Now she’s beginning to understand that a life led that way is never enough, not really, and there’s a certain hollowness in her chest that she’s only now taking notice of that aches to be filled.
*****
“No way! Lexa Woods is playing your lesbian love interest in the school production? This is too much!”
Raven slaps a hand on the table and erupts into laughter.
“I don’t know why you’re finding this so funny” Clarke glances at her best friend with one eyebrow raised.
“Well, don’t you hate each other? I mean last time I checked you did? What if you have to like kiss her or something?”
Clarke allows a small flush to encompass her cheeks and she has to avert her gaze.
What if you have to like kiss her or something?
Clarke HAS kissed her and oh how delicious it is.
How gloriously soft and plump those lips are, how gentle yet in the next moment demanding they can be.
It reminds her that she hasn’t even glanced at act I yet, in fact had she left the script at Lexa’s?
Suddenly the unmistakeable feeling of being watched intently washes over her and she looks up from her lap to notice someone staring at her from the opposite side of the canteen. Someone who blushes furiously and looks away when she realises that Clarke has caught her in the act, Lexa.
Clarke smiles to herself, the sight of a flustered Lexa Woods was undeniably cute.
“What are you smiling at Griffin?”
Raven is now looking at her like she’s suddenly grown a pair of antlers.
“Oh, erm, nothing”
But a brief glance sideways unfortunately gives Clarke away.
Raven turns and notices a brunette hunched over a bowl of soup in the far corner, meticulously shredding her slice of bread into neat squares and placing them in the steaming liquid.
“What’s going on here? Were you two just-?”
“It’s nothing Rae, seriously, nothing you need to worry your pretty little head over”
A small hand reaches up to ruffle a ponytailed head which only causes its owner to scowl fiercely.
*****
“Clarke!”
Spinning around on her heel she is met by the sight of what can only be described as an actual living angel with majestic hair flowing behind her trotting down the corridor in Clarke’s direction.
“Lexa” she breathes out and it’s barely even audible, she’s that stunned by the sight in front of her that she’s momentarily dazed herself.
“You erm- left your script at my place, I wanted to return it”
Clarke glances down at the booklet being held out to her or rather she glances at those long slender fingers which are holding the booklet, rather longer than she had intended.
“Clarke?” the question is soft and a gentle prodding of the booklet into Clarke’s stomach seems to rouse her out of the land of dreams she had been frequenting.
“Oh, erm thanks Lexa”
A warm smile greets her when she looks up into the face of the angel and there’s far too many seconds of silence for the atmosphere to be comfortable.
Think of something Clarke, don’t just stare at her you absolute fool.
“Hey erm- seeing as last night didn’t exactly go to erm- plan, would you like to do some script reading at mine this time? I’ve got the house to myself tonight”
Lexa furrows her brows slightly, wondering if there’s an ulterior motive to inviting her round to an empty house but she soon allows that thought to escape her mind before giving a nod in agreement.
“Yeah sure, as long as we actually do what we set out to this time”
“Of course, why would we not?”
But there’s a certain glimmer in Clarke’s eye that Lexa can’t possibly miss.
*****
Lexa’s eyes almost pop out of her head when Clarke opens the door dressed in what can only be described as gym wear.
Gym wear? Since when did Clarke exercise for actual fitness purposes?
The rather snug lurid pink lycra sports bra clings to Clarke’s chest like a lifeline, as if it’s taking all its strength it possibly has to do its job correctly.
It’s barely doing its job correctly. Lexa shamelessly can’t help herself staring. It’s impossible not to the way Clarke’s cleavage is just there and so inviting and perfectly accentuated within the confines of the material.
But that’s not all. Eyes dip to note the same glaringly bright pink in gym pants form, ones which don’t exactly cover too much of her thighs.
Fuck.
Clarke’s curves are beautiful. Too beautiful for Lexa to comprehend clearly in that moment.
“Hey Lex, come in!”
Lex? LEX?
Nobody else had ever called her that before besides Anya and she wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about it, not yet.
As Clarke closes the door and Lexa is almost flattened against the side wall as the blonde leans around her there’s another welcomed opportunity to take in the wondrous sight that will no doubt now be burned into her mind for eternity.
Lexa sighs, tucking a lone strand of chestnut hair behind her ear.
“Clarke, what the hell are you wearing?”
“What does it look like dummy?”
Clarke rolls her eyes, curling a finger at Lexa to indicate that she wants her to follow her lead into the living room.
“But WHY? You knew why I was coming over, why are you dressed like you’re straight out of an 80’s fitness video?”
A look of absolute mock hurt is flashed in Lexa’s direction before a quirking of the lips gives her true feelings away.
“Because I was casually doing a few push-ups and sit-ups whilst I was waiting for you to arrive, I wanna start to get a bit fitter”
Lexa hums before plonking herself down on a comfortable looking sofa.
“Sounds suspect to me” she sniffs, “If I didn’t know any better I would say that you’re employing a distraction tactic in a ruse to keep us from looking at these scripts again”.
“Again? I didn’t intend on kissing you last night, it just kind of- happened”
“Yeah, right” Lexa scoffs as her eyes dip briefly to gaze at Clarke’s slightly parted pretty pink lips.
For fuck sakes Lexa, pull yourself together! Clarke is bad news and you know it.
Lexa coughs to clear her throat slightly, “are we going to get on with this or what?”
“Alright, do you want a drink though? Something warm or we’ve got juice? Coke?”
“I’ll have some juice, thankyou”
Clarke places two drinks on the coffee table and flings a packet of chocolate buttons into Lexa’s lap.
As Lexa looks at her silently but questioningly Clarke grins, “something to keep your stamina up, it won’t be easy having to work with a hardened professional, I’ve been at this acting game for years you know”.
Lexa rolls her eyes, “you don’t faze me Clarke, i’m more than a match for you”.
“Oh, really?” Clarke cocks an eyebrow in surprise and Lexa flushes slightly.
Why does this girl have to take everything THAT way?
“Shut up and open your damn booklet” she’s beginning to get slightly irritated now, a half dressed Clarke sassing her is NOT what she needs when she’s trying to convince herself that nothing good will come of falling for her games time after time again.
“Yes m’aam”
Lexa would show a look of disdain but she doesn’t wish to give the other girl the pleasure.
Clarke stays silent for a good eight minutes or so, occasionally humming to herself or popping a chocolate button into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully as she flicks through the pages.
The irony of Clarke apparently deciding to have an impromptu work out session before Lexa arrived immediately followed by working her way through not one, not two, but three packets of chocolate buttons isn’t lost on Lexa.
There’s more silence, until Lexa almost chokes on a button when a loud “HA!” fills the air between them.
“Have you seen page 5? Look at page 5!”
She can feel a pair of unrelenting blue eyes measuring her expression as she turns to page 5 to see what all the fuss is about.
They sparkle with mischief when they notice the brunette’s mouth opening slightly and brows rising as she reads.
Lexa figured that this production of ‘Juliet’ would be very loosely based on the original what with the role of Romeo being taken by another girl and the setting being that of modern times but she didn’t think she would be thrown in at the deep end this quickly.
A kiss, there’s a kiss in the third scene.
A kiss that reads ‘tentative but passionate’.
Oh fuck.
Lexa gives a small nervous laugh.
“Good job we’ll be erm- comfortable enough with each other to go through with this”
She can’t meet Clarke’s eyes but knows for sure that it feels as though two lasers are being burned into the side of her face.
“I still think we should practice it though”
“Clarke-“ Lexa exhales dramatically, “we don’t need to, I’m sure we can just wing that part, practicing the words is much more important”.
“No Lexa, we can’t just wing it, there’s specific instructions here on how the kiss must look, if we wing it who knows how it would end up”.
Who knows how it would end up. Knowing us it would probably end up going way further than acceptable for a high school production with friends and family watching.
Lexa muses, chewing on her bottom lip.
“Come on Lex, what’s the problem? Last night wasn’t an issue so why should this be?”
“Well it should be an issue Clarke, I mean what are we doing? Really? If Anya hadn’t of come home how far would it have gone? I know that sort of thing doesn’t bother you but it bothers me. I don’t know what you want from me but I’m not about to be someone’s toy they can play with whenever they please only to be discarded when they get bored, not- not again”.
Clarke blinks.
Wow, that smarts. And what does she mean not again?
Clarke had never thought of it that way before, the fact that every time she had a one night stand she was just using them. Using them selfishly for her own pleasure for one night only and then waking up only to throw them in the trash. At least in those situations she shared the moral implications equally with the other person, they both would know getting into it what this was and what it meant, they both wanted the same thing.
But this situation wasn’t like the others, not at all.
Never had Clarke had the slightest yearning to reignite the flame with someone for a second time, never.
But she couldn’t stay away from Lexa and for once she had no desire to go in search of anyone else. The brunette currently looking at her with such vulnerability in her eyes was the only person she thought about these days, the only person she wanted to think about but she didn’t care to figure out what it means. All she could comprehend is that she just craves to have this girl close, as often as possible.
“Lexa I- I would never, I- you could never be just a toy to me“
“How do I know that? I’ve heard all the stories Clarke, people have lost count of the notches on your bedpost, we keep ending up in these situations and it’s only going to get worse, I don’t want to be ‘one of the many’ or your ‘bit on the side’ as you carry on fucking other people too, do you know how worthless that would make me feel? Fuck- I don’t think I can do this, not when kissing you makes me feel so- but to you it’s probably- and I’m just-“
“Lexa please”
Clarke’s voice is impossibly soft as she places a hand on the downcast brunette’s knee.
“Look at me”
Green that is usually so vibrant but now seems to have had the light dimmed within them meet blue shyly.
“I’m sorry okay? I know what you must think of me and I know how bad it must look from the outside, I never wanted to turn into this but everything that happened when my- I- look, all I can tell you is the truth, that you’re all I’ve been able to think about lately, and if you don’t want anything from me I understand that, hell, I don’t even understand what I want fully yet too and that’s okay, I can just promise to try to become a better person you know? Since we- I don’t want anyone else”
Lexa nods, the tiniest of smiles in understanding tugging at her lips.
“There are parts of my past I could tell you, that would help you understand why this is hard for me but I can’t, not yet”.
Clarke squeezes Lexa’s knee in reassurance.
“I understand, all in your own time and I will try not to-” the blonde waves a hand at herself aimlessly. “-Make things more difficult”.
Lexa laughs. “I doubt there is anything you can do to help my attraction towards you Clarke”. She smiles. “But you can be patient with me, give me time? There’s a lot to figure out for us both and how we deal with certain- things”.
“Of course” and Clarke is leaning in and for a second Lexa begins to panic but her panic quickly dissipates and evolves into a warm feeling when instead of meeting her lips Clarke gives her the softest of kisses on her cheek, causing a sudden flush of colour to flood the space that a second ago housed those perfect lips.
“We can just go through the lines today then huh? Whatever you’re comfortable with Lex”
Clarke looks so beautiful when she smiles at that moment that Lexa’s face almost feels as though it’s about to split in half from the answering smile she gives back to the blonde.
They practice for the next hour, Lexa often laughing at the flamboyant way in which Clarke delivers her lines and Clarke laughing at Lexa when she sticks her tongue out the side of her mouth in concentration as she attempts to memorise a particularly long piece of dialogue.
It feels easy, almost carefree and just new for them. Clarke even fixes up some easy pasta for them both when they realise it is almost 7 o’clock and Lexa admits that she is too hungry to wait until she gets home to eat.
Lexa is pleasantly surprised at being able to enjoy this new side to Clarke Griffin that she never dreamed existed and she’s also pleasantly surprised at how much the simplest of things as being called ‘Lex’ makes her grin like an idiot.