Carol
Carol sat at her desk, enjoying the last rays of the sun that still managed to peek over the top of the mountains and sipping from what was already her third glass of rye. She had tried to work on one of the many files that were piled on the table top, but had soon given up on that, unable to concentrate. The light in her study was fading quickly, but she didn’t feel like standing up to put on one of the lamps that were carefully placed around the pristine room.
It was seven days ago now that she had returned from New York and she was still not certain how to define her current feelings. Staying at the Gerhard apartment had allowed her the time and space she needed so much to think about her options, to carefully start making plans. Next to that, being on her own, exploring New York like any other, excited tourist, had given her room to just enjoy herself and, most of all, to relax.
Having Therese in her arms again, after their necessary but also excruciating four week separation, had overwhelmed her. She was stunned by her own volcanic feelings and the strong physical longing that even after their two nights together was still not quenched. But she had also been confronted with Therese’s unexpected, well-hidden anxieties.
Leaning back in her adjustable office chair, she put her feet on the desk. She craved for a cigarette but decided against it. Tending to one addiction was enough, for the moment. Taking another sip of her drink, she replayed the conversation at the playground in her mind. Their night together, followed by their closeness in the sunny morning outdoor, had made her happy, made her lower her usual guard to open up to Therese, to really talk about what was happening between them. Therese’s response had deeply shocked her.
“I…, I'm sorry, but I don’t think I can do this …”
Carol felt the blood drain from her face.
“Therese, I don’t understand …”
In an attempt to hide her anxiety, Carol reached for the cigarettes she kept in the inside pocket of her black jacket. With shaking hands, she lighted one, desperately trying to understand what was going on in the head of the young woman sitting next to her.
Swallowing her tears, Therese averted her eyes, focusing on the two girls still sitting on the swings. Tentatively, Carol laid her hand on Therese’s thigh.
“Sweetheart, please … talk to me.”
Therese shrugged, fighting the urge to run away. She knew she needed to say something, to explain. She owed Carol that much.
“I, it’s …”
She turned to Carol, her body rigid, shoulders hunched.
“It’s too much, Carol. I wanted you here, longed for you all these weeks, but now …”
Therese clenched her hands into fists.
“Now you’re here and you are so full of this, so full of plans …” she whispered. “ And I just don’t want you to mess up your life because of me. And … and Rindy’s life”, she added.
Carol thoughtfully extinguished her cigarette under the sole of her black boot and put the stub in her pocket. Bracing herself she carefully chose her words.
“Therese, listen. I’m not doing this for you, although I cannot deny that you are a part of this all. But you must believe me when I say that I’m doing this for me.”
She unclenched Therese’s hands, taking them in her own, softly caressing their warm skin.
“I have not been happy for a long time. You merely made me aware of that, woke me up, made me start to question … well …” She hesitated, then added: “everything.”
Therese’s eyes focused on their joined hands.
“ But that is just it. What if you …” Therese swallowed, feeling the words stick in her throat. Carol waited patiently, saddened by the young woman’s agony .
“What if in the end there is no room for me in your new life … what if you don’t , don’t want me …”
Carol felt a tear drop on her hand; Therese’s. Reaching into the pocket of her jacket, she took out one of the napkins they had picked up at the deli. Gently wiping Therese’s cheek, she looked into her green eyes, filled with tears.
“O darling, don’t you know that I want you, so very much …”
Carol realized that together, they were looking into the cruel abyss that a life in foster homes had created between Therese and the people that genuinely cared for her. How could she make this vulnerable young woman trust in her? She softly leaned her forehead against Therese’s.
“My love, I’m not … them. I’m not like them. Amidst all the uncertainties that make up my life right now, there is only one thing that I’m totally certain of: and that is that I need you in it.”
Once again reaching for Therese’s hands, Carol continued her plea.
“Therese, please, give me the time to prove that to you.”
Her words lingered in the air and for a few moments Therese remained silent. Then she nodded softly. For now, she wanted to believe Carol.
Then, there was nothing left to say for them, so they returned to the apartment. And in the still warm afternoon light, Carol had slowly undressed a trembling Therese, had lowered her to the bed and had tenderly made love to her. Afterwards they had silently remained in each other’s arms for a long time, filled with a melancholy that had stayed with them even after Carol had to leave for her temporary apartment to pack her belongings and return to Salt Lake City.
Carol drained her glass, closing her eyes. If anything, this unanticipated confrontation with Therese’s uncertainties and fears made her love her even more, strengthening her resolve to help her fight her anxieties and prove to her that she would never leave her. But she needed help with that. And the only one who could help her with that was Therese herself.