Love and politics

“Therese, I don’t understand …”

In an all too obvious attempt to hide her growing disquiet, Carol reached for the cigarettes she kept in the inside pocket of her black jacket. With shaking hands, she lighted one, desperately trying to understand what was going on in the head of the young woman sitting next to her.

They were perched on a bench, overlooking the small children’s playground a few streets down from the apartment. Ultimately, it had been the need for food and fresh air that had driven them out of Therese’s small, sunlit bedroom where they had ended up after their frantic lovemaking on the hallway floor last night. Despite Therese’s mumbled and still sleepy protests, Carol had disentangled herself from their intimate embrace.

“Darling, I’m afraid I won’t last another second if you don’t feed me soon.”

One look in her embarrassingly empty fridge made Therese decide to take Carol to her favourite deli, where they bought some sandwiches, salads and mineral water to take with them to the playground. Carrying the paper bags containing their food, they peacefully walked next to each other, enjoying the quiet of a lazy Sunday morning and the cool, relaxing breeze. Thoughtfully, Therese looked up at the tall, blonde woman at her side.

All the uncertainties about Carol’s feelings that had plagued her in the previous weeks, had dissolved once she found herself in her arms. Therese was still astounded by the total abandon with which she had surrendered to the older woman. It was so unlike what she had experienced in her previous relationships, when she had always kept something to herself. She shrugged, wondering if it would always be like this with Carol.

Feeling Therese’s eyes on her, Carol turned her head, catching her gaze.

“A penny for your thoughts …”

Therese smiled, inexorably pulled into the clear blue of Carol’s eyes.

“Nothing … I …”

She remained silent for a moment, trying to find the words to express her confusion.

“It’s just so easy, being here, with you…”

Before she could continue Carol put her free arm around Therese’s shoulders, pulling her into a half embrace.

“And I’m happy to be here, with you.”

For a few moments Therese hid her face in Carol’s welcoming shoulder, no longer able to continue her train of thought. Then they walked on, now holding hands.

The small playground was nearly deserted. A grandfather sat reading, while a little girl, firmly clutching her well-loved toy rabbit, dozed in her stroller parked next to him. Two teenaged girls had taken possession of the swings and were talking conspiratorially, their heads close.

They found a bench in the shade of the beech trees that lined the far side of the ground. They unpacked their lunch and with a satisfied sigh Carol immediately delved into her tuna sandwich. Chuckling, Therese observed how Carol’s chin was soon covered in mayonnaise.

“I almost feel guilty for not feeding you properly.”

Therese handed Carol a napkin. While hastily wiping her chin, Carol eagerly reached for her Perrier with her other hand.

“Almost?”

“Well, I can’t remember you giving me much opportunity to cook for you the other night.”

Carol’s eyes shot fire while Therese mockingly raised her pain au chocolat.

“Bon appétit, chérie.”

Carol growled something through her next bite, but knew she was defeated for now.

They finished their lunch in a companionable silence, amusedly watching the arrival of a group of rowdy children and their weary looking parents. After Carol had deposited the paper bags with the remains of their lunch in one of the trashcans and had retrieved her seat on their bench, she turned to her companion, putting a hand on her knee.

“Therese, I think we should talk.”

They both knew that their blissful mood would have to be disturbed by the questions they had to ask each other … and themselves. To her dismay, Therese felt her earlier unease return. She looked up at Carol, trying to read her expression. Carol smiled, eager to tell Therese about the thoughts and plans that had taken shape in the past few weeks and especially the last few days that she had spent in New York. Taking Therese’s hand, her thumb gently stroking the soft palm, she started talking.

“When you left Salt Lake City I was bewildered. For the first time in years I was truly, deeply in love with somebody. Something wonderful, but also so very frightening at the same time. Here I was, at forty, with a daughter, a high profile job and a husband of sorts, living a well-established life. In short, the ideal circumstances to fall in love with an intriguing, beautiful young woman who just happens to pass by…”

She sighed, then brought Therese’s hand up to her lips, kissing her fingers one by one. Involuntarily, Therese shifted slightly, but Carol didn’t seem to notice.

“I was glad with this separation for four weeks, Therese. You were right. It allowed me the time to think, to talk to the few people I can confide in, most of all Abby. And by doing so and much to my own surprise, I have learned a lot about myself, new, surprising things as well.”

Her eyes followed a young boy chasing a little dog, the dog’s excited barking filling the air. Therese quietly released her hand from Carol’s gentle grip.

“Most of all I’ve discovered that it is possible to release control … even to want to release it …”

Carol remained silent. Feeling less and less comfortable, Therese reached for the bottle of water she kept in her bag. Unscrewing the cap, she stealthily glanced at the woman sitting next to her. Carol seemed to be totally immersed in her thoughts, but after a few moments she proceeded.

“So I have decided to start the divorce proceedings. Harge is furious of course, and I still have to tell Rindy, but it doesn’t feel right to stay in my fake marriage any longer.”

She brought her hand to her forehead, then raked her fingers through her unruly, blond curls.

“I’ve even decided to quit my job and to start looking in other directions, maybe even here, in New York.”

Smiling, she turned her gaze to Therese, eagerly waiting for her reaction.

Therese tensed, feeling the blood drain from her face. Carol’s words resonated in her head and she felt overwhelmed by their implications. Things were going too fast. Trying not to panic, she took a sip of her water, desperately searching for words. Carol raised her eyebrows, her eyes scrutinizing her lover’s face for an answer.

“Sweetheart …?”

Struggling to answer, Therese closed her eyes.

“Carol, please … , stop.”

She bowed her head, her hands clenching the half empty bottle.

“I…, I'm sorry, but I don’t think I can do this …”