ahhh!!!
You have entered the chat: bitch!!!!!
richbich: help!!!!!
richbich: i need help!!!!!
richbich: mayday mayday mayday mayday mayday !!!!
richbich: natasha i need u!!!!!
richbich: urgent!!!!
richbich: as in immediately please!!!!!
richbich: i am lost and need an adult!!!!
richbich: something huge has happened!!!!!!!!
richbich: natasha wake up you fucking bitch!!!!!!!!!!
richbich: sorry that last text was mean and uncalled for but i really need you to answer me!!!!!!!!!
richbich: A ! S ! A ! P !!!!!!
richbich: natasha !!!!!!
russianhoe: oh my god shut the fuck up
richbich: i need help
russianhoe: yeah i know
russianhoe: did you get your dick stuck in a pringles can again?
richbich: no!!!!!!
richbich: that never happened and how dare you accuse me of such a thing!!!! i detest it!!!!!!
russianhoe: the first and last time we used this chat you sent me 18 videos of you crying because you got your dick stuck in a pringles can what did you expect me to think???
richbich: that never happened!!!!!
richbich: also i made a huge decision that warranted serious thinking which i did not do and now idk what to do!!!!!
russianhoe: what did u stick ur dick in a barbecue pringles can instead of a sour cream and onion one?
richbich: natasha!!!!!
russianhoe: damn sorry lmfao
russianhoe: ok fr what is it
richbich: i adopted a baby!!!!!!!
richbich: natasha???
richbich: NATASHA
russianhoe: k im back i just needed to get a chocolate milk
russianhoe: explain
richbich: wait you aren't mad or at least a tad bit concerned??
russianhoe: angry???? no
russianhoe: concerned???? yes
russianhoe: the thought of you caring for a small fragile being when you can barely care for yourself is giving me gray hairs
richbich: ok i can't argue with that
russianhoe: can you just confirm to me that the child is content and not starving and/or in a diaper filled with it's own feces??
richbich: yes!!
russianhoe: k now start explaining yourself
richbich: ok so u know how pepper broke up with me and how im engaging in mind-blowing sex with gorgeous men and women to ignore my emotions??
russianhoe: ...yes
richbich: well i spent a night with a woman named mary and the next morning i woke up to her crying
richbich: when i went to comfort her she told me about how her husband died and how she is now all alone with her son
richbich: she said she didn't want him
russianhoe: :(
richbich: then she pulled up pictures of the little guy and... idk i just fell in love with him i guess
richbich: she tole me his name is peter benjamin parker, he's 6 months old, and he's the sweetest and happiest and cutest baby ever to be born
russianhoe: he sounds amazing, tony
richbich: he is :)
richbich: she told me that she couldn't love him. that whenever she looks at him all she sees is her husband. she told me she was going to put him in the system as soon as she got the chance
richbich: i don't know if it's because i didn't want this sweet kid to be ruined by neglect like i was or end up having shitty parents like howard and maria
richbich: but i said i would take him
richbich: and she said yes
richbich: and now i have a baby boy
russianhoe: tony...you're going be a great father
richbich: are you sure? you know what they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
russianhoe tony. what are you saying?
richbich: im saying that im fucking terrified that i made the wrong choice. im fucking terrified that im gonna end up like howard and completely ruin this kid
richbich: im saying i don't want him to end up like me
richbich: i can't
richbich: i can't do that to him. never. fucking never
russianhoe: tony stark
richbich: spare me the lecture natasha i don't fucking need it ok
russianhoe: fine
russianhoe: here's what we're going to do
russianhoe: im going to get several gallons of any ice cream i can find at the local 24 hour mart
russianhoe: i'll take a taxi to your place where you are going to introduce me to your son (who i would hope is sleeping rn) and watch me cry over how small and cute he is
russianhoe: and then we are going to watch every disney movie you have in your collection and have a deep, emotional conversation about our childhood traumas and how they don't define us
russianhoe: ok?
richbich:...ok
richbich: i don't think you should come though...
russianhoe: why not?
richbich: because you're 5 months pregnant!!! you're basically ready to push the lil thing out of your vagina!!! you need rest!!!
russianhoe: first of all i am nowhere near giving birth okay?? she isn't going to be here for a while so you need to calm the fuck down
russianhoe: second of all, i am not letting my pregnancy get in the way of being there for the people i love
richbich: nat...
russianhoe: don't mention it
richbich: i love you too
russianhoe: :)
richbich: wait a minute
richbich: DID YOU SAY SHE??!?!?!
richbich: YOU'RE HAVING A GIRL?!?!?!
russianhoe: ...i went to my 20 week ultrasound alone and i had them tell me the sex
richbich: i thought you wanted it to be a surprise?!?!?
russianhoe: i couldn't wait....
russianhoe: DON'T TELL STEVE AND BUCKY OKAY I STILL WANT TO HAVE ONE OF THOSE GENDER REVEAL PARTIES THAT WHITE PEOPLE HAVE
richbich:...only if you let me choose the kid's name
russianhoe: middle name
russianhoe: but even then i'd have to ask steve and bucky whether or not they feel comfortable with you naming their first born
richbich:...i'll take it
russianhoe: okay :)
russianhoe: im almost at yours
russianhoe: but i have a question
richbich: shoot
russianhoe: am i the only one who knows about peter?
richbich: so far, yes
russianhoe: why did you only tell me?
richbich: natasha...i trust you. you're one of the most loyal and caring people i know despite what you went through as a kid. and like i said, i love you. you're like an annoying little sister to me
russianhoe: fukc....ur making me cry
russianhoe: my uber driver is looking at me with sincere concern
russianhoe: .....and i love you too. even though i said it before
richbich: well no you implied it
russianhoe: ok fine
russianhoe: do you want to let me the fuck in in????
richbich: wait natasha...thank you again
russianhoe: no problem :)
russianhoe: but seriously the rocky road is leaking against my thigh and i have .1872633 seconds before i lose my shit
richbich: coming!!!