Chapter 6
Funnily enough,Dean’s progress in the past month started fading so fast ,it may as well have never existed.Nightmares hunted his sleep everynight ,leaving him awake with his thoughts and voices and it was hell.He was trapped ,again,between four thick walls his mind created that kept him away from all of the good things Castiel insisted life had to offer.The worst thing was his mind never created the door that allowed him to leave the dark corners of his brain.There was no way out.No way.Just alcohol and sadness and grief and low-self esteem and thoughts that would send even a psychopath running ,but Dean was used to it.He has been dealing with it before the accident,before Castiel and will still deal with it after him.
Of course none of it got to Castiel’s ears.It’been..what? - two weeks since their little escapade at the bar and he remembered the monday he came for his session after spending some time with the goof that was Castiel drunk and he found the man sitting at his desk writing ,as usual.Only this time as soon as Dean sat down ,Castiel started talking ,his face red to the tip of his ears and he told Dean how sorry he was that he has been the one to drive Castiel home and thanked him for driving Charlie home as well and informed him that she considered him a ‘cool dude’ and apologized again and again and again and Dean couldn’t bear to hear it.To hear Castiel say it.That was Dean’s line.He was sorry.He was the failiure.
Not Cas.
Never Cas.
‘Don’t sweat it,Cas.Was my pleasure.’ Dean played it cool.Castiel looked a little surprised for a second but then smiled and asked
‘How are you,Dean?’
Well,surprinsingly, not good.I feel like I took a big step back and I’m a little scared of regressing even more.
‘I’m fine.’
And so it went on.And Castiel seemed more relaxed and…happy and Dean…well.Dean felt like Dean.Sweetly broken.But he continued.Continued talking to Castiel so he wouldn’t cause any turbulence,not when Castiel was doing good.Castiel would never get to worry about Dean.Never.Dean wouldn’t let him.
And so time passed …days, sessions, sleepless nights ,weeks…
Dean was in Castiel’s office again today.It was a Wednesday and they were talking about Dean’s parents again.His father again.
‘And you still don’t blame him?’
‘No,it wasn’t his fault.I can’t blame him.It was mostly me.’
‘What?’
At this point Dean was so full of lies ,he was about to explode.He was feeling sick and this wasn’t helping.Talking.Not like it was supposed to.Not like it used to.He was so deep in memories of a sad childhood,of Sammy being scared of their father’s late night drunk appearance and yet rebellious of this lifestyle,always wanting to leave Dean and dad who did nothing but tell him what a disgrace he was ,that he wasn’t good and he knew it and he hated it and he moved on.It was hard for him,kind of,he wouldn’t complain about,because it was better than nothing.It was.If it wasn’t for Castiel nobody would know how he felt at all ,but that was all right.It wasn’t his right to brag about it.There were people who,unfortunately,have it worst than him.
It wasn’t the killer’s right to cry for his victim.
Many years of practice made him numb to this kind of stuff,feelings as much as expressing them was an unknown art to Dean.Whisky was always there.
Lost in his thoughts and reminiscent of younger days he answeared mechanically to the voice that was talking to him.
‘It’s my fault.’he said not taking his eyes off the ground. ‘All of it.Dad was right.’
‘Right about what?’
‘About me.’
‘What about you,Dean.’
‘I’m the monster.’ He whispered,voice trembling with regret.’I’m the killer.I killed them.’Remember that thought you had every night for about two weeks?Yeah,not following the plan,here pal.
Castiel was whiter than white,watching Dean with pained eyes.That was sure to wake Dean up from the trance of memories.Unfortunately, the ‘play it cool’ plan was long overdue now.
So here's another fun fact about Dean.Remotely he has two major plans in case he screws up,which is kind of is the situation here.The first one is to act normal,like nothing happened,which we established earlier wasn’t even worth trying,so then plan B is the great fleeting.When he comes to think of it,he uses that plan a lot earlier.
He couldn’t explain himself now and he was sure as hell Castiel wouldn’t let the subject drop so he immediately raised from his chair grabbed his coat and made a run for the door.This time Castiel followed him ,calling his name in despair as opposed to the last time Dean left the scene.
Castiel’s office was more than just a fancy room .It was more like a second home and so it was built.It was a little apartment ,it even had a tiny kitchen and a microwave in the place of a stove,everything that would make Castiel and his patiences sometimes feel comfortable,even though most of the days he didn’t leave the office.And so when Dean ran through his workroom’s door to exit the apartment he had to walk through a corridor to get to the main door that connected to the outside.
Dean was full on running by now.Damn the corridor!How long was it actually?!He knew it wasn’t that long but everything was moving in slow-motion for him .Damn the panick!And damn Castiel for not leaving him alone! And damn himself for being a stupid,stupid,fucking idiot!To hell with all!!!
Finally.Door.Finally.
‘Dean!Please!You got to talk to me!’
Hand on the doorknob and jerked movements in desperate attempts at opening the damn exit but Castiel was there keeping the door closed with one hand propped at the hight of Dean’s head.After a few more seconds of just blindly pulling the knob,just hoping for it to open and for Castiel to let him go ,he gave up,banging his head on the door once.before stepping back and turning around to see the therapist still catching his breath.
‘Let me go.’he whispered,suddenly drained of any willpower he migh’ve had just minutes ago. ‘Just…please.’
‘I can’t do that,Dean.’
Sure he can!He just has to let the door open.It’s that simple!
‘And why the hell not?’he hissed at Castiel and could see the result for his passive aggressive behavior in Castiel shifting nervously in his suit,but then he froze and looked into Dean’s eyes like he never did before.He could read something in there.Was that…pain?Pain Dean caused.That feeling of sickness and the wish of just dissapearing so he doesn’t have to deal with hurting a person he likes…yeah he felt that right now.The smoothed features of Castiel’s face shadowed by the suffering that this exact situation brought him made Dean want to kill himself.What the hell was wrong with him?He really was a monster.The monster.
‘Because you’re hurt.’
‘Cas..’
‘Dean.No.’ Castiel continued dropping his hand at his side ‘What you said,back in my office…that…that was...’ Castiel was stuttering ,he almost never stuttered.The hell? ‘That was wrong.Dean why would you consider yourself such awful things when you are obviously not?Your not a monster,nor a killer.You are yet again another victim of the unfairness that is this…this painfull life.’ And Castiel eyes were starting to get glassy and if he was about to cry ,Dean wouldn’t ,he couldn’t ever look at himself again.Not after this.As usual Castiel refrained from letting even the tinyest tear spill as he kept talking.
‘I believe you to be a wonderful person, Dean Winchester.Amazing,really.But what you are doing...to yourself is beyond… unhealthy.I’m here to help you.If you would let me.’
‘Can I go now?’
‘I want to help you.’
‘Can I go?’
‘Dean.’
‘I want to leave.’
‘Dean.’
‘I can’t-I-I don’t just…’
‘Dean.’
He stopped.He could turn around and leave and this time he was 90 percent sure Castiel would not stop it but he remained still and let Castiel ramble on because on some level Dean felt a little bit better hearing Castiel saying things like that to him,telling him he's not the monster,that his father was wrong and that Castiel believed in him and was there for him.It made him feel better,safer.He couldn’t explain it,but he was grateful for the little moment and grateful for Castiel and his stubborn mind and his kind personality…for him in general.
‘Just stay a little longer.’
‘Cas…I can’t.’
‘Sure you can.Let’s talk.’
‘I can’t.’ he whispered with a trembling voice and if he had the guts to look at Castiel he was sure he would see the disappointment .Instead,he waited until that voice was whispering back to him, more compassionate than ever.
‘Why not?’
And seriously what the hell?! His heart was aching with regret and want and pain and happiness and all that was coming from Castiel and he wanted to be held by the man ,to let him ‘help’ ,to help him back,to help each other because obviously they were both broken and incomplete and Dean admitted to himself that he wanted to be there,that he wanted help and to help and to be happy and to break the walls around his mind and shine some light into that darkness that were his daily thoughts and that light was standing right in front of him and it would be so easy to just…let himself be fine,at least for a while.
Then an image of Castiel’s face when he was about to cry because Dean was a prick crossed his mind and he remember.That’s why it wasn’t that easy.Because he was past the point where he could’ve been helped and he couldn’t help Castiel,just hurt him,like he did with everyone else.It was better if he would just leave.He was getting to attached to his shrink as it was ,the last thing he needed was a little extra time with him.With all that,Castiel was still there,still waiting for an answear and Dean figured screw it.He will tell the truth.Mybe that will finally drive the therapist away and he wouldn’t have to handle all this by himself.
‘Because I like you too.’
‘Excuse me?’ Castiel says turning more red with every syllabus .
‘I-I like you,Castiel and if I’m not wrong,the feeling is sort of mutual.’Castiel was watching him with interest and fear if Dean got it right. ‘But I-I’m not good news.I’m poison.All I ever did and, do is hurt people and you…you are too good to be hurt by me.I won’t ever do that to you. ‘Cause you deserve better.’he turned to leave ,patting himself on the back for great self control and for great end line.Now he’s free to go get drunk.Awesome.
‘Don’t you dare.’
‘What?’
‘You heard me.Don’t you dare walk out of me.’Castiel seemed angry.But why?This plan backfired on Dean so hard.He was starting to wonder if Castiel would punch him or just yell at him or maybe yell at him and punch him and then throw him out.
Castiel was getting yet again into Dean’s personal space which started to become a normal thing for them ,but right now it only served to make the situation even more uncomfortable.
‘What you just told me now is a too important statement for you to leave me alone.Because that’ he said closing the space between them with another small step ‘would really hurt me and not drive me away as you probably hoped.’
‘How did you-?’
‘But it would make me really, really happy’ he went on ,completely ignoring Dean’s attempts at talking ‘ if you would stay and talk to me a little while longer.’
‘Wow,emotional blackmail!That’s- ‘
‘Dean,would you stay with me?’
And now, see here’s the thing from all the things Dean imagined would happen,this wasn’t one of the possibilities either.Truth be told ,Castiel is awesome and, unpredictable and weird,so,so weird,which Dean very much enjoyed and staying was probably going to make him feel a little better .Actually scratch that- a lot better.With Cas standing so close to him,asking him just for time,Dean just wanted to give him all,even more than he had ,but one romantic chick flick moment was enough for a day.On the other hand,if he would just lean,just a little bit and catch Castiel’s lips with his and gently cup his face ,that he imagined would turn red by then and after that maybe he could…
‘Sure,Cas.Ok.I’ll-I’ll stay.’
Before he spoke the last words he saw Castiel brighten up like Christmas tree and Dean followed soon enough and they stayed like that a bit and then Castiel took another microscopic step forward and now he could feel his breath and then it got closer and closer and before Dean even had time to process before Castiel leaned over and past him to lock the door behind him that was only half closed.
‘Shall we?’ he asked,gesturing to his office to which Dean nodded dumbly but stood there because what just happened?Did he..?Did Castiel Novak,the shrink with the stick up his ass 24/7 teased him?And Dean let himself hope for it?
That fucking asshole!
And so it went on.They kept talking and Dean sort of made a habbit of staying after hours with Castiel when he didn’t have other patients.Funny thing is,most of the time they wouldn’t be talking about Dean or Dean’s father or brother or lonely childhoods ,but just getting to know each other.Dean was now aware that Castiel’s favorite food was cheeseburgers and that he made a tradition of picking one up every Friday on his way home and Castiel knew that Dean actually had a car that he loved very much,but was destroyed in the car crash and Dean never got around to repairing his ‘baby’ as he like to call her.
They knew lots of things about one another from their messed up lives to their biggest hopes and dreams when they were little.There were even better times in that office when they were shamelessly firlting or accidently touching,but with all that they never went further,they probably didn’t know how and that was driving Dean mad.
As expected,there were no fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows for Dean’s part but his situation was improving ,little steps to the point where he could say that he’s fine and actually mean it.
There were days when Dean would wake up from a really bad nightmare and everything would be quiet,he would do nothing but breath and lay in bed and even that seemed hard when horror memeories of the accident decided to show up.Fortunately, that never happened when he had to go to Cas.Sometimes they had long and truly awful conversations about feelings and all that crap and as much as Dean hated it,he understood it was supposed to help.Good thing was Castiel was talking too and not just asking questions but actually sharing bits of his life with him that he hadn’t even with Charlie and that was scary and eliberating at the same time.And he was in so much trouble.
Of course Dean would be nothing but supporting and caring and Castiel would just imagine about reapying his kindness with something he knew they both wanted but were too confused to admit.It was cute ‘cause Castiel knew that if he would kiss Dean ,he would respond and it would be alright to do so and they would forget about the world, lost in each other’s embrace and everything would be fine.
They were trusting one another,strengthening their connection with every single sentence and look they exchanged.They were making progress, even further than Castiel had hoped.He could see the trust in Dean’s eyes and the warmth that his voice had when he spoke to him and Cas was proud of himself, and Dean,of them-together.He was helping.
‘Dean ,if I may, why do you trust me?’
‘What do you mean?’ a puzzled look on Dean’s face.
‘Why did you decide to talk to me?’
Dean smiled and looked him straight in the eyes as he started to speak.
‘I mean, you’re a shrink.Shouldn’t I do that?Plus,you’re a friend now.’Castiel’s face broke into a smile,which signaled the time for Dean to make a douchy joke. ‘Even better,you’re not the asshole I believed you to be…I think.’
‘Ha-ha.Hilarious as always,Dean.’
‘But for real now, you listen to me and you don’t judge me..most of the times.And I respect the fact that you didn’t stick your nose into my business until I let you in.I know how some other therapists would have probably gone to Ellen or someone close and ask what the hell happened ,what’s wrong with me and try to fix it right away.’ there was a long pause in his short speech when Castiel realized he fucked up really bad,but of course he wouldn’t tell Dean and it’s not like he did it on purpose but when Ellen starts telling a story Castiel tends to sit and listen and everything be damned- he’s not going to ruin everything.
‘I got to tell you myself what happened and I got to build my trust in you and...thank you for helping.I appreciate it.’Dean was noddind along with every word.
‘I believe we help each other,Dean.’
What Dean didn’t know couldn’t hurt him and it was sure as hell going to stay that way.