Chapter 1
How the hell did he end up here?!He’s in this room painted in a light beige shade facing this dude that has been talking for twenty minutes straight and he feels like he’s gonna puke.He feels like he’s sitting in a shoe box waiting for some big bad to happen.But of course this ain’t no horror show so that big bad never comes, if you don’t count the whole situation itself,of course.So,Dean’s thoughts drift away as Castiel’s-that’s his name, right?or Cassiel or something,of course Dean would know it if he hadn’t spaced out before the guy got to that part of his welcoming speech-voice keeps filling the room like a buzzing radio.
Dean doesn’t want to be here,like at all ,and he could admit it right this second.So why is he here?Why doesn’t he just say ‘Fuck this and fuck you.’ and goes out the door?Because he’s with a therapist that could see right through him in a second or ,at least,that’s what Ellen said right after the ‘Be nice,he’s here to help you.’ talk.
As Castiel just keeps talking in the background of Dean’s thoughts he starts to dig deeper.
So what if he understands what’s wrong with me?
There’s nothing to understand because there’s nothing wrong with me for fuck’s sake.
Just excuse yourself and get the hell out!
But he can’t.He can’t let Ellen down , not again.And this goes beyond her to Jo,Bobby,Jess,even Sam.He’s not gonna bail again.He’s not gonna run.He’s going to face every single consequence for what he’s done because he sure as hell deserves it.Everyone wants him to spend two hours a day ,three times a week with Mr. Fancy here?Then so be it.Then they’ll realize that everything is fine and they’ll let him go because he’s ok, but what he’s not going to do is disappoint them.
That’s exactly why Dean is in a therapist’s office right now in his sweatpants and his hoodie and hating every single minute of it .He will stay right there in that chair and listen to the guy talk about cliché thoughts he seems to be so desperate to share.The guy apparently loves his job.
When Dean’s back to reality he hears something about confronting your feelings and letting the dark thoughts out ‘cause that can be somehow eliberanting.As he’s reciting the lines that Dean thinks is possibly the most retarded advice he can get,the guy is looking through his notebook with an interested expression on his face.
Maybe the notebook contains Dean’s darkest and deepest secrets and as much as he tries to reason with himself that probably everything is in his head, he can’t help but feel freaking naked right now.Like there’s nothing else to hide from this guy.As he’s studying Castiel better , he can’t even imagine how this man could ever get through to him,bore him to death-sure ,but help him-no way.Because I don’t need help.But it will be nice to see him try.He could always help Dean fall asleep faster.That’d be awesome.Even better because Dean hadn’t had a good night sleep since the accident so every extra effort to help him achieve a night of sleep when he doesn’t wake up sweaty, screaming his brother’s name, is welcomed.
Suddenly,Castiel closes his notebook and sets it over a stack of papers, snapping Dean back to reality.
‘Why are you here?’Castiel asks.
Dean grins at him.It’s not because he wants to be cool or to hide his 'feelings' under layers and layers of cockiness,but because the question truly amazes him.
Why?I don’t freaking know.Why?A lot of things happen without us knowing why.But why?I don’t fucking know why!The question starts to irritate him so he looks down at his sweaty hands and says:
‘I don’t know.’
‘You don’t know.’Castiel repeted blankly. ‘There must be a reason out there why you are currently in my office and not doing something else,anything else.’
‘There really isn’t.’ Dean looks up now with a stern look on his face.
‘Dean.I know that this is hard for you, but I’m going to need you to at least try a little.’
Why? is the first question that poppes in Dean’s head,anger starting to settle in for no apparent reason and he knows that he needs to get out of there before he does something stupid ,something he will regret and something Ellen will kick his ass for. He decides to give the poor guy a more complex answear.And there he goes:
‘Look ,buddy,I usually don’t like company and don’t like to cooperate and today I am not even willing to try, so if you’ll excuse me.’
As soon as the words are out of his mouth he stands up and walks out the door without even so much as a ‘Goodbye.’ Or a ‘See ya.’.And just like that ,the speech he gave himself about not disappointing anyone anymore is just dust in the wind.But it was expected.After all,it’s Dean we’re talking about.
He’s out of the building in seconds,gasping as he’s trying to get air to go in his lungs.As soon as he can breathe again he runs a hand through his hair trying to understand what just happened.For some reason ,his short conversation with doctor Phil made him angry.His words still linger in Dean’s mind like that one song that you hate that gets stuck in your head : ‘I’m going to need you to at least try…’ , ‘Why are you here?…’
Why? will be Dean’s eternal enemy.He hates that question.He feels like asking Why? implies that there must be a reason,like the question sets the boundaries of action in a situation.Why are you here?Why are you a disappointment? Why did you do that? Why did you let them down?Why did you do that to Sam?Why are you here?Why are you still here?
He feels his breath catch in his throat as a million question swirl in his mind. He looks around for people that might have seen his short panick party but there’s no one around except a man that is walking his dog.At least he is alone.
He’s still catching his breath even though his physical effort was minimum.He’s so angry and upset and he can feel it in his stomach like a nod.He wishes he could just break something.Scream.Fucking cry if he feels like it.Anything that will push this feeling that he hates so much away.He doesn’t feel in control so he closes his eyes in a poor attempt at trying to regain it but no such luck.But then again when is he ever in control?Anger is clouding his judgement.So he decides to go to the motel before he does something even more stupid.
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"Dean!...Come!...Quick!" a voice called from the kitchen.
He rushed all the way from upstairs to find his brother sitting on the floor with a piece of broken glass stuck in his hand.That was probably the reason why he was bleeding.
"What happened?" he asked clearly alarmed of his brother’s condition.
"Dean,i'm so sorry...i'm sorry ...dad is gonna be so mad...I..."the boy’s voice was trembling with fear.
"It's ok ,come on , everything is fine,everything is gonna be fine.We just have to..." he didn't got finish his sentence.
"No, you said i shouldn't play with the baseball inside the house!You told me and i didn't listen...i'm sorry" his hands were shaking, the right one in particular because of the broken glass.
"It's no big deal, come on, get up...let's get you cleaned up."Despite everything Dean managed to keep a warm voice ,try not to freak Sammy out.He took his brother’s hand and led him to the bathroom ,careful not to cause him any more pain.He will deal with the mess later, like he always does.
Those were the moments that Dean loved the most-when he was taking care of Sam.He could stay like that forever, bandaging Sam’s wound ,telling him everything was going to be alright.But seeing the situation that he is in now that’d be a shameless lie.
The bright light that hugs the room turns into grey and everything starts to lose its colour.The scene fades quickly into darkness.
Dean wakes up alone and angry , with an empty bottle of whiskey on his bedside table.He checks his phone and sees that it’s 7:02 in the morning.He groans as he works the strength to get up and go to shower himself, the dream playing in his head like a broken record.When he reaches the bathroom he immediately goes to the sink and holds on to it until his knuckle turn white and finally, he looks at himself in the bathroom mirror.There’s nothing important there though.He studies himself like he’s another person,a stranger , really.The truth is he doesn’t recognize himself or the person he used to be.There are dark circles under his once spring grass green eyes that he got complimented so much for.His forehead is wrinkled and his brow is furrowed,his lips a thick line reminding him of the shadow of the golden days when all Dean ever did was smile.Now he’s changed and it’s not for the best, but to be fair the times haven’t been exactly easy.
His mind starts to drift off in dangerous places so he pulls himself together, strips out of his clothes that remain discarded on the floor and hops into the shower welcoming the relaxing sensation of the hot water running down his spine.He’s taking his time , enjoying the water and trying to block out everything that reminds him of the real world ,but his spa session is cut short when he hears a loud knock at the door.At first , he ignores it, praying to go away, but the more he tries to ignore it the louder and more impatient it becomes.Finally ,Dean gets out of the shower dressing even quicker then he undressed if that’s possible and goes to answear the door muttering curses under his breath.When he opens the door ready to give whoever is on the other side a mouthful ,he’s greeted by Ellen’s small smile.She’s probably tring to be polite till I let her in , Dean thinks to himself, then she’ll kick my ass.He disguises his surprise with his famous Winchester jokes.Glad he didn’t lose that treat.
‘Wow, Ellen,it hasn’t even been a week and you’re back.You like me that much?’
‘Very funny,as always.Now,would you let me in,son?’
Dean gestures for her to get in .He didn’t even get to close the door before Ellen crinckles her nose and says:
‘I’m glad your coping mechanism starts to get healthier.You’re down to just one bottle of whiskey a day.That’s progress,Dean.” She gives him her concerned smile after the daily dose of sarcasm.
‘Yeah,thank you .I try to stay in shape.’
‘Don’t bullshit me,boy.’she suddenly becomes serious, but Dean isn’t impressed so he keeps playing it cool.He’d rather skip the small talk anyway.
‘You started it.’
‘And now I’m ending it.’she sights and goes to stay on the bed ,leaving Dean to lean against the opposite wall.’How did it go?’
‘How did it go what?’Dean tries to play dumb mostly to gain some time to form an answear that would please Ellen so she would leave faster so he can be alone, but of course it doesn’t work.‘Fine.’
‘Really?So what do think about the guy?”
‘He’s fine.’ He answears with a shrugh.
‘So everything went fine?’ she asks with a suspicious look on her face, but he’s not gonna lose his calm.
‘As smooth as ever.’he reassures her
‘And you actually enjoyed it?’
He nods and hopes he’s not as transparent as he feels.
‘Is that so?Because I know for a fact that you turned tail and ran in the middle of the session without any kind of explanation.’she says that and then waits, but Dean is not going to find a reason or try to sugar coat it for her and promise her that it won’t ever happen again.He’s just not.
Just like that his ‘let’s not disappoint people anymore ‘speech seems even less true.He’s in a freacking contradiction with himself.On one hand, he wants so bad to make it right,to right his wrongs even though he knows a couple of appointments with a therapist won’t be nearly enough to repay himself, but he’s a work in progress.On another hand, he knows all of this is crap.Shrink sessions he simply doesn’t need ,wasted time.Everyone insists that he takes care of himself ,that he stops drinking,that he needs to go to a professional in order to learn how to deal with his rather delicate situation, that he needs help.
No,I don’t need help.I don’t need to be fixed.I’m not broken.I don’t need to be helped because I’m not broken.
Am i?
He just wants to be left alone.
‘I don’t know what you want me to say.’Dean replies, looking down at his bare feet on the cheap motel rug.Ellen stands and begins to take small steps towards Dean as if she doesn't want to scare him away.
‘I want you to just talk to me.Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours.’Ellen says as he cups Dean’s face and tries to catch his gaze with her own.Dean gives in to the familiar company just for a second there, going back to times when he’d be grateful to have this motherly touch and to feel safe but right now he feels guilty and empty,like a shadow.He quickly pulls away trying not to look at her because he doesn’t want to see the pitying and also disappointed stare that burns holes in his back.He’s pretty sure that’s what Ellen looks like right now, trying so hard to fix the other son while she still can.
‘There’s nothing to talk about.’he answears ,staying as cold as possible.
‘I’m pretty sure that’s not true.I think I have an idea about how you’re actually feeling.’
‘I’m fine.’Dean snaps.
‘No, you clearly are not.’ Ellen concludes before turning to look around at the place.’This is not what ‘fine’ looks like, Dean.Empty bottles of whiskey and beer everywhere,the rooms itself’s a mess and those are the exact same clothes that you wore last week when I came by,oh and look’she continued picking up a bottle of sleeping pills of the nightstand ‘What’s this?A little help with your sleeping problem ,right? But they ain’t helping because I see those bags under your eyes,boy.’She stops to put the bottle down.’Now ,I know that I kind of sent you to a shrink without your consent but trust me when I say that it’s for your own good.We want you to be ok, Dean.We do.And Castiel is a great therapist and let alone, a great person, so I know he’s gonna do his best in helping you come to terms with this.’
‘How am I the only one that needs this?Why don’t you go to a shrink too,huh, Ellen?’
‘You’re sweet ,but this hit you the most,and you know it.Besides I’m not the one hiding from the family and staying in a motel room in the same town as their own house.Consider this a helping hand.’
I don’t need help.I don’t need help!I DON’T NEED HELP.
He slowly turns around to face her again.She’s looking at him with the same warmth as a mother would.He can’t say no to her.Even if he wants to, he can’t.He’s just gonna play this out until she and everybody understands that he does not need help.
‘Fine,Ellen.I’ll go.’he finally agrees keeping an emotionless face.
‘Thank you.You just have to try a little bit, that’s all.And no storming out this time.Cas is an old friend and he won’t hesitate to tell me anything about your progress or regress as the sessions go by.’she says with a strict face.
Dean can’t say anything in return as anger threatens to swallow him whole so he clenches his fists to keep himself in check.He just nods.
‘That’s my boy.’Ellen says as she gives him a half hug and goes for the door. ‘I need to go to the bar .Maybe if you feel up to it ,you could come later , see Bobby and Jo.’ He nods again. ‘Ok.Call me if you need anything.’Then the door is closing and he’s alone again with his thoughts and repressed feelings.
His breathing picks up as Ellen’s voice keeps repeating itself in Dean’s head.
‘This is not what ‘fine’ looks like’…
’We want you to be ok.’…
‘Consider this a helping hand.’…
I DON’T NEED HELP.I.DON’T.NEED.FREAKING.HELP.I AM FINE.I AM ALWAYS FINE.I DON’T NEED HELP.I DON’T.I DON’T.I DON’T.
Do i?
When he calms down and he unclenches his fists he’s surrounded by all the glass shards that used to be bottles or glasses just seconds ago.Other that he and the mess he’s made,he’s alone.He’s completely alone.
‘I’m going to need you to at least try…’