“This is the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever been in,” Erin Gilbert said with a huff as she threw herself onto the floor of the elevator angrily, “And we wouldn’t be in it if it weren’t for you.”
“Excuse me for saving your life! What did you want me to do, stand there while you got pulverized by that Class Five? I’m not that heartless.” Holtzmann jammed the Emergency button on the control panel with her thumb one last time before giving up and accepting the inevitable.
“I would have been FINE! I know how to take care of myself. I’m not an idiot.”
“I know you’re not at idiot. But there was no chance you would have gotten out of the way in time. He ambushed us. It’s not my fault this stupid stupid elevator is broken.” Holtzmann kicked the doors twice before throwing her hands in the air and growling in frustration. “Uggggggh! Could this week get any worse?”
It had been a bad week for Holtzmann. Possibly the worst she’d lived so far. On Sunday, she and Erin got into it. Same old things, but this time, instead of ending with apologies and make up sex, it had ended them. Holtz was heartbroken but it seemed that she and Erin were going in circles with the same arguments over and over, neither one able to fully explain what was wrong, neither one able to see things from the other’s perspective. She was tired. Tired of trying to figure out what was wrong, tired of trying to get Erin to understand her position, tired of trying to get Erin to talk about her feelings, tired of defending herself. So when Erin suggested they take a break, she didn’t have the energy to explain why that was a terrible idea, and instead, she heard herself agreeing. Even Erin looked a little startled at Holtzmann’s reply, like she had expected her girlfriend to fight her, to beg and plead and list all the reasons why they should stay together. Holtzmann spent the night on the couch, unable to sleep. That was Sunday.
Monday saw Holtzmann gathering her belongings from Erin’s apartment and transferring them to the Firehouse one load at a time. She had to explain what had happened four separate times, which hurt. First, to Patty, who wrapped her in a hug and helped her carry her clothes upstairs. Then to Abby, who invited her to stay at her place if she needed to. Then to Kevin, who she wasn’t certain completely understood. And finally, to Benny, who was confused why her order did not include Erin’s usual shrimp fried rice and egg rolls. Erin steered clear of the Firehouse that day and Holtz was grateful. She and Abby drank rum and watched Hell’s Kitchen together until they both passed out in the living room.
Tuesday she woke with a fuzzy head and Patty shaking her shoulder frantically. “Holtzy! Get up! We got a call!” It was one of the messiest, most frustrating busts to date. They were called to the kitchen of a restaurant specializing in soups and salads that had been dealing with a band of troublesome poltergeists. The ghosts threw knives and overturned vats of soup along with ectoprojecting on each Ghostbuster before they were finally trapped. Holtzmann was covered in split pea soup and slime, which she found to be a disgusting combination, particularly when her stomach was a little sensitive after a night of drinking. The others went home to clean up and she was stuck taking a cold shower at the Firehouse, where the plumbing was finicky.
She was supposed to go to dinner with her family and Erin on Wednesday night, but she had not been able to bring herself to tell them they had broken up. When she showed up alone, her mom took one look at her face and immediately guessed what had happened.
“Oh, honey,” she said, wrapping her in a tight hug. “I’m so sorry.” She felt her dad squeeze her shoulder a few times. “Do you want to talk about it?” he asked as her mom released her from the hug. Holtz shrugged her shoulders as she sat at the table, glancing at the extra place setting that would remain empty.
“I’m not sure what to say. We were fine. And then we weren’t. I was tired of fighting for us. I gave up. I’m sorry. I know you really liked her.” Holtzmann’s parents had loved Erin. Her dad said they reminded him of himself and her mother when they were younger. Even her older brother James had taken a liking to Erin, warning his little sister not to screw things up. But she had failed.
“Of course we liked her. She made you happy. But we love you so much sweetheart. We’re here for you, you know that, right?” Her mom’s eyes were full of love and concern and Holtzmann was afraid she was going to cry right at the table.
Thursday. Well, Thursday sucked. The Ghostbusters had a standing TV date on Thursday nights, vowing to watch all the Shondaland shows together. Except now that she and Erin were broken up, no one knew what to do about it. Holtzmann told the others that she would skip so Erin could watch, but it turned out that Erin had come to the same conclusion, so Abby and Patty watched just the two of them. It was the season premiere of How to Get Away With Murder and Holtz was disappointed to be watching alone, in her makeshift Firehouse bedroom, on her laptop instead of the large TV downstairs. She wasn’t in the mood to debate theories with Patty, who had a knack for predicting what would happen before it actually did. She wondered what the coming weeks would hold for the four of them. Not only were they coworkers and friends, but Holtzmann had come to think of the others as her family. It felt like they were getting a divorce. Who would get Thursday nights? Who would keep Kevin? Everything felt up in the air.
And that brought them to Friday. Friday, when all four Ghostbusters were needed to trap a violent pair of specters who’d been antagonizing a small hotel. One of them had come up behind Erin, ready to attack, and Holtz had shoved her out of the way and into an elevator, which closed, fell two floors, and had remained shut for the past thirty minutes. Holtzmann wasn’t sure whether the problem was electrical or caused by the ghosts, although she suspected the latter as the drop seemed unlikely without otherworldly interference. It was an elevator in a back hallway, predominantly used by hotel staff, and it could be a while before they were discovered. The emergency system was non-responsive. Erin’s cell phone didn’t work and Holtz had left hers in the car. They were trapped, forced to be with one another after a week of painful absence.
Holtzmann slumped against a wall and sighed. She didn’t want to fight with Erin. She didn’t really know how to deal with the uncomfortable knot of mixed feelings that were tight in her chest. It was awful. On the one hand, she was hurt and angry that Erin would throw away their six month relationship so easily. Holtz felt like maybe she was more invested than the physicist had been, as things had fallen apart so quickly when she stopping fighting for them. On the other hand, she was deeply sad. She felt as though she’d been ripped in half and that parts of her had fallen away. Erin had been not only her lover, but her friend, her best friend, and the days without her had left Holtzmann squirming and listless, uncertain how to go through her daily tasks without Erin by her side. Erin was always there to bring her a sandwich or a cup of coffee when she got into the zone on some new prototype. She was always there to bounce ideas off of, to offer her perspective, which often led Holtz down new pathways. She was there at night to talk with her before bed, to discuss the latest installment of Last Week Tonight or to mention a current event she’d heard about, eager to hear Holtz’s take on the situation. And she’d always, always kissed her goodnight and told her she loved her before falling asleep. Holtzmann felt like her life had shattered like glass and she wasn’t sure how to pick up the pieces and put them back together without being hurt further.
She began going through her pockets. She’d always been a bit of a pack rat, just like her parents, tucking interesting or useful items away just in case. Her jumpsuit had lots of pockets, not faux pockets like women's dress pants had, but good, deep pockets, perfect for storing things. She found a couple of chocolate chip protein bars and pulled them out. She was getting hungry, they’d been called on this bust right as Abby was trying to get her to come out to eat.
“Hey,” she said to Erin, holding up the protein bar, “are you hungry?” Erin looked up and Holtzmann saw that there were bags under her eyes. She looked the way that Holtz felt: emotionally and physically drained.
“Yeah, I am. Thank you.” Holtz tossed the bar across the elevator and Erin caught it, unwrapping it and taking a bite. “I can always count on you to have snacks.”
Holtz smiled, a little sadly, and nodded. She wondered if she and Erin would be able to get to a place of counting on each other, even as friends, again. “I’ve always got food to share.”
Food, it turned out, was one of the things that brought them together in the first place. Holtzmann felt that her cache of snacks deserved at least partial credit for deepening their relationship. She always kept a variety of junk food stashed around her second floor lab. Erin, she discovered, was a person whose parents believed in healthy snacks and had therefore deprived her of all the best junk food as a child. She’d often wander into Holtz’s lab to find her munching on something she was unfamiliar with.
“What are those? Gummy bears?”
“Gummy bears? These are Swedish Fish, Gilbert. You can find them at every checkout lane at IKEA. Don’t tell me you’ve never had one before?”
“My parents weren’t big on candy.”
“That’s a shame. Here, have some.” She poured a small handful into Erin’s palm and waited for the verdict.
“Oh, they’re not what I expected. Gummy, but not too gummy. I like that they’re soft.”
“Right? The texture alone is genius.”
It became somewhat of a daily thing for them. Erin would wander upstairs in that stretch between lunch and dinner and hit Holtzmann up for a snack. While Holtz was an excellent snacker, she was terrible at eating actual meals, so Erin would remind her when it was time for one of those as well. Holtz began to look forward to the afternoon visits where they would take a break from their work and she would get to tease Erin for never having had Dunkaroos, for instance.
On one such afternoon, Erin did not arrive empty handed. She came carefully balancing a tray, looking rather pleased with herself as she set them down near where Holtz was working.
“Whatcha got there, Gilbert?” she asked, pushing her goggles up past her hairline.
“Ants on a toilet set,” the physicist said proudly.
“Say what?’ Holtz cocked an eyebrow and came to investigate. The tray held apples, cored and sliced into rings, spread with peanut butter, and sprinkled with raisins.
“They were my favorite after school snack as a kid.”
“Oh, Erin. Sweet, sweet Erin. That makes me a little sad.”
“Don’t knock ‘em til you’ve tried them!” Erin glared at Holtz and thrust an apple into her hands.
“All right, all right!” Holtzmann took a bite, chewed, considering, “Hey, that’s not a bad combination at all! In fact, it’s pretty darn good.” She popped the rest of the apple ring into her mouth and reached for another.
“See? Healthy can be tasty too,” Erin said with a triumphant grin.
“Let’s not get carried away.”
It wasn’t long before they branched out from just sharing snack time. All four Ghostbusters (and Kevin) were pretty accustomed to eating in together multiple nights per week. One afternoon during their snack time, Holtzmann told Erin about a restaurant she liked.
“I think you’d like it. It’s called Ingredient. It’s actually fairly healthy, but they let you put together interesting flavor combinations. Everything is fresh.”
“It sounds good. More nutritious than your useful fair, I might add.” Erin teased.
“Do you want to grab dinner there with me?” Holtz asked, ignoring the teasing.
“Tonight? Sure. I haven’t heard any other dinner plans being tossed around.”
“Well, I didn’t invite the others. I thought...I thought it could be just us. Y’know, since we’re kind of food buddies now,” Holtz said with a shrug.
Erin grinned, “Yeah we are! It’s a date,” she said, blushing a little.
It turned out it was the first of many.
~~~~
Holtzmann would never forget the first time they kissed. It wasn’t that night, but soon after. They’d gone out, just the two of them, to Holtzmann’s favorite bar. They filled up on hot wings and passed the evening discussing a theory Holtz had about time travel, Erin disproving her at every turn. They completely ignored the football game that had the rest of the bar yelling; they only had eyes for each other.
They cleared out not long after the game had ended, Holtz offering to walk Erin the two blocks to her apartment. When they arrived at the stoop of her building, they both paused.
“Well that was fun!” Erin said brightly. “I didn’t think I’d like wings. I was wrong.”
“Everyone likes wings, once they’ve given them a fair shot. I’m glad you were brave enough to try them.” Holtz smiled, kicking a small rock with the toe of her boot.
“Good night,” Erin said, turning to ascend the stairs.
“Night,” Holtz replied, wishing she were braver.
Before she opened the door, Erin turned back, “Hey, Holtz? What would you do if you could time travel?”
Holtzmann walked up several of the steps and stopped just below where Erin was standing, “Why do you ask?”
“I’m just curious,” Erin said, descending until she was on the same step as Holtz.
“Well, I’d go back to just a few minutes ago.”
“Why? What would you do differently?”
“This,” Holtzmann said, gently placing her hands on Erin’s waist. She looked up into her sparkling hazel eyes and waited. Waited for Erin to look surprised, or tell her no, sorry, you’ve got the wrong idea. But she didn’t. She tilted her head to the right, eyes fluttering shut. And that’s when Holtz had leaned in and kissed her. The moment stuck with her not because it was the best kiss she’d ever had or because it led to her following Erin upstairs, but because it signified an open door, in Holtz’s mind. Erin was open to kissing her that night. She might kiss her again. Maybe it’d lead to something more, physically, or something more, emotionally. For Holtzmann, it was an open door, a green light, a fork in the path revealing new possibilities.
She’d never forget it. It was the start of something beautiful between them.
~~~~
It wasn’t long before Holtzmann realized that she loved Erin like she’d never loved anyone before. It was a feeling that overwhelmed her. It’d bubble up in her erupting in frenetic energy and giddiness. It would stop her in her tracks she she watched Erin bust a ghost, realizing she loved everything about her from the way she crinkled her nose when she laughed to the powerful stance she took when she wielded a proton gun. Holtz was falling for her, had fallen for her.
Despite her excitement for this beautiful new relationship, she wasn’t without fears. Erin had never been with a woman before. She assured Holtz that she’d been attracted to women in the past but had been too afraid or too in denial to act, but Holtzmann still had a seed of doubt, of apprehension deep down. She was afraid that Erin would wake up one morning and realize she liked men. Or that she’d say something weird and Erin would realize that Holtzmann was just too out there for her. Holtz had been with plenty of women, but she’d never had a serious relationship before. She’d been burned in the past. She’d fallen for straight girls and had her heart broken. She occasionally dropped hints, wondering if Erin missed sleeping with men or if she wanted to invite a man into their bed sometime. She was too afraid to come right out and say something about her insecurity for fear of offending Erin and making her shut down.
That was one thing that had begin to happen now and then between them. Sometimes, Erin would just shut down and stop talking. It was strange for Holtzmann, who had been raised by two loud, talkative parents who tended to say whatever thought popped into their heads without censoring. Holtzmann had been raised to speak her mind, to talk about her feelings, to be open with those she cared about. So when Erin shut down, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how to respond when Erin insisted that everything was fine. So she handled her with kid gloves. She saw herself treating Erin delicately, unsure of what might trigger her to bottle up her words. She hated to treat Erin that way because Erin was strong, she was powerful, she was not delicate at all. But there were just some things that Erin wouldn’t talk about.
That last fight, if you could call it a fight, had been so hard on Holtzmann. Erin had shut down in response to...well, she wasn’t sure exactly. But something had set her off, and she was in silent mode, which was the worst. Holtz would’ve preferred to be yelled at because at least then she would know what she was dealing with. Being met with cold silence was so hard on her.
Erin had been silent and Holtz had been tired. Tired of trying to get her to talk, tired of apologizing for every possible offense she could think of, tired of always being the one to hold things together.
“If you would just tell me what was wrong, we could fix this! It wouldn’t have to be so damn hard all the time!” Holtzmann shook her fists in frustration.
“Maybe it’s not supposed to be this hard. Maybe...maybe we should just take a break.” Erin had replied.
Holtzmann swallowed all of her words, her thoughts, her feelings. She was tired. So all she said was, “Fine.”
That was Sunday.
~~~~
Two full hours in had passed in what was mostly awkward silence before Holtz caved in.
“Erin?” she began. “Can we talk?”
“About what?” The redhead countered.
“About us. About what happened.”
“What about it?”
“Well, there’s a lot I need to say. A lot I didn’t say, but I wanted to.”
“Like what?”
“Well mostly, we just need to talk. I’m a talker. I communicate things. It’s important for me to know where we stand, important to be on the same page. I need you to stop shutting down. I need you to talk to me.”
“It’s not that easy,” Erin replied.
“It IS that easy. OK? We talk until we make things right. That’s what my parents taught me. They’ve been married for 45 years. They know some things. When something is wrong, you talk until it’s right again. So I’ll go first. I need you to know something. I don’t think you’re weak. I know you’re strong. But I know that even strong people need friends who have their backs. Abby was the first person in my life who had my back, consistently, aside from my family. So when I jump in to defend you, or throw myself in front of a ghost for you, it’s not because I think you’re weak or need protecting. It’s because I’m always there to help you when you need it. I want you to know you can count on me. Sometimes I treat you like you’re delicate because I don’t know what you’re thinking and I don’t want to upset you. So please, just tell me what you’re thinking.”
Erin sighed. “I know that I can count on you. I just...I’m sensitive about that, OK? I feel like I’ve been pushed around a lot, made to feel weak. The last guy I dated was really...controlling. He treated me like I was completely incapable of taking care of myself. I spent so much time not standing up for myself and letting him boss me around and do everything for me. I just don’t want you to think I can’t do things for myself. Because I can. I get frustrated when you treat me like I’m delicate. Talking about feelings doesn’t come easily to me. We didn’t do that in my family. We just...we pretended everything was OK. Even when it wasn’t.”
“Well that sucks. But it’s OK, because I can show you how to talk about things. That’s what I do. And I know that you can do things for yourself, Gilbert. Probably better than anyone. I saw you punch that guy in the face. It was awesome. I’ve seen you kick spectral ass multiple times. I saw you jump into a fucking vortex to save Abby’s life! I know you don’t need protecting. You’re strong. You’re capable. If anything, you should probably be protecting me. But I need you to accept that I’m going to have your back. Always. I watch out for my friends. It’s like...a reflex for me. I can’t help it.”
Erin nodded. “I can accept that. I have your back too, you know. I guess I can try to be more open about things,” she cleared her throat. “So, here goes...while we’re on the subject...I feel like there’s something else we should have talked about.” Holtzmann nodded solemnly, eager to hear what Erin had to say.
“Just because I’ve been with men in the past doesn’t mean I need to be with them in the future. When I had you, that was all I wanted. There was nothing missing. I wish you’d believed me when I said that. I don’t need another person in our bed to make me feel good. You’re very accomplished in that department. I love what we do together, what we have together. We don’t need to enhance it by adding someone or something more.”
Holtzmann was a little surprised to hear this from Erin. She didn’t realize her insecurity had been apparent. Their sex life was good, she enjoyed it, but she’d had this nagging feeling that Erin was missing out on something she could not provide. On more than one occasion, she’d hinted around the idea of inviting a man into their bed for Erin’s sake. The suggestions had driven Erin crazy, not because she wasn’t intrigued by either idea, but because it seemed that Holtz felt inadequate, which was not at all how Erin saw the situation.
“I just...I guess there was part of me that thought what we had was too good to be true, that, I dunno, you’d turn out to be straight and decide it was all a big mistake.” Holtz confessed.
“It was not a big mistake! Yes, you are the first, the only, woman I’ve ever been with. But that doesn’t mean that you’re an experiment or that I’m confused about my sexuality. I know what I like. I liked what we had, what we did. And look, if you had wanted to have an actual threesome, because the idea of being with a man turned you on, I’d be open to trying it. But I know that was not the case here. I don’t want to invite someone into our sex life because you feel like you’re somehow inadequate. You are...you were everything I ever needed.”
“I guess I’ve just been afraid that one day you’re going to snap out of it and realize you want something different than what I can offer you. I’ve fallen for straight girls before. It’s incredibly painful. I didn’t want that to happen again. I was afraid I wasn’t enough for you. There’s nothing I can do that a man can’t do. And there are things they can do that I can’t. ”
“This is not about men versus women and which one has more attachments. We’re not shopping for a flippin vacuum cleaner! You were my girlfriend. I loved you. It wasn’t some one night stand that was just about sex. It was about so much more than that. There were so many things you did for me that no one ever has before. You were special. I loved what we had.”
“I loved what we had too. I’m sorry we broke it.”
“I’m sorry too. I screwed up too.” Erin chuckled, darkly, “I wish I had known it was as easy as just talking about it. Then we wouldn’t be in this shitty mess.”
“Well, we did talk about it. We’re talking about it right now. So...so maybe, maybe we don’t have to be in this mess anymore?”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying, I think we threw away something pretty great because we were too fucking stubborn to talk about our issues with each other. I’m saying…I think we deserve another chance.”
“What if we fight again? Have we really solved anything?”
“Personally, I think we have. I guess our issue wasn’t me thinking you were incapable or me not having a penis or whatever. I think our issue was communication. So if we fight again...maybe we should just talk about it. Until we feel better.”
They looked at each other quietly for a moment.
“I miss you so much, Erin.” Holtzmann said, breaking the silence, “So much. You’re my best friend. I can’t imagine life without you. I don’t want to.”
“I’ve missed you too. I don’t want to avoid you anymore. I love you.”
“I love you too.” Holtzmann leaned in, gripping Erin’s face between her hands. She stared into those gorgeous hazel eyes, like she had so many times before, and realized, this woman was something special. Someone special. Worth holding onto. So she kissed her, softly at first, then deeper, letting all the emotions from the week out as she moved her mouth and hands against her girlfriend’s body. And Erin kissed her back, even as tears fell from her eyes. She kissed her back, so grateful to have this crazy, beautiful, wacky scientist in her life. They kissed passionately, holding each other gently at first, then grasping for every inch of exposed skin they could reach.
“Hey,” Holtzmann said as she felt Erin’s fingertips slip underneath her top. “Whatcha doin?”
“Just wondering if you’d be interested in some...make up elevator sex?”
“Huh,” Holtz said, considering. “I’ve never had sex in an elevator before.”
“Neither have I. But they do it on Grey’s Anatomy.”
“Do they?”
“They do everything in elevators on Grey’s. Fucking open heart surgery. Surely we can handle something as mundane as a little elevator sex.”
“Sounds like the opportunity to cross something off the ol’ bucket list.” Holtz said, grinning.
“That’s what I was thinking,” Erin kissed her neck, pulling at the hem of her top and slowly lifting it over her head. She tossed it into the pile with the slimy jumpsuits and reached around to unhook Holtzmann’s bra when the elevator doors opened, startling both of them.
Abby and Patty stood there, grinning, arms around each other.
“Sorry, but we had to stop things before they got...explicit. Are we good now?”
“I don't know what is going on outside this elevator, but I know what's going on inside it.” Holtz said, slipping out of her shorts.
“Yeah, we're about to have elevator sex. So unless you wanna watch…” Erin slapped her hand on the Close Door button and unbuttoned her own shirt, throwing it at Abby just before the doors slid to a close once more. She shoved her hand inside Holtzmann's boyshorts, grinned devilishly and declared, “I'm in charge this time. I am a strong, capable woman after all.”
~~~~
“I can’t believe you left us trapped in there! On PURPOSE!” Erin pinched Abby on the arm.
“Well it was worth it, was it not? You just needed some time together, to focus,” Abby said, rubbing her arm. “Plus, it was Patty’s idea!” Abby was not above throwing her friend under the bus.
“That’s right, it was. I’ll own it. I'd do it again if I had to. You two had something too good to just cast it aside. Sometimes you gotta confront the issues head on! And you weren’t about to do that without a little push.” Patty threw an arm around each of their shoulders and squeezed. “Trust me. The best things in life are worth fighting for. Now excuse me while I go bring the car around.” Erin smiled and looked at her girlfriend, nodding.
“Patty’s right.” She grabbed Holtz by the shoulders and looked into her eyes directly. “Jillian Holtzmann, I love you. So, so much. You are worth fighting for. You’re worth having awkward, uncomfortable conversations. I’m sorry it took breaking up and being trapped in an elevator to figure it out.”
“Hey,” Holtz said with a grin. “You can’t get rid of me that easily. I love you too, babe. I will fight for you, always. To the death if I have to!” Erin rolled her eyes a little, but leaned in and ruffled Holtz’s hair.
“You’re a weirdo. But you’re my weirdo. You’re stuck with me.”
“There’s no one I’d rather annoy for the rest of my life than you, Erin Gilbert.” She kissed her girlfriend and smiled as she linked their arms together and walked them to where the car was waiting. Something inside her shifted. The heaviness that had been sitting in her chest all week lifted and she knew that somehow, even though things weren’t perfect, even though they never would be, everything was going to be all right.