One step at a time
"Mommy!!!" Aden screamed and started running to the door when he and Lexa heard the knocking.
"Aden wait. We need to check who it is." Lexa said and picked Aden up so he can look into the peephole.
"It's mommy. We can open it. Can I do it?" Aden looked at his mother and smiled. The brunette put him down and let him open the door. She just heard squeal from Aden when he saw Clarke. Their eyes crossed for a bit. They both send each other a small smile.
"Hi baby!" Clarke couldn't get a propper welcome because Aden dragged her into the livingroom.
"Mommy look. Uncle Lincoln got me new lego. We can build a a police station and catch the bad people! Mom helped me a little." Aden was happily talking about his new lego set. He showed Clarke every picture in the instruction, told her how to build the cars and the building itself. He looked so adorable surrounded by blocks with a serious face when he started to choce the right blocks and put them aside. "Mom said that it can help with biulding."
"Of course she did. Organized as always." Clarke laughed and looked at Lexa who just shruged.
"I'm going to start the dinner." And with a smile on her face she went to the kitchen leaving Clarke and Aden so they could play together.
Clarke and Aden build two cars and made a structure of the police station much higher. Aden was so in the zone that he didn't notice when Clarke stood up and went to check if Lexa needs help. She was standing in the doorframe and watched as Lexa walking around the kitchen. She was watching the brunette for a couple of minutes.
"Are you going to be a creep and watch me or are you going to help?" Lexa said without looking at Clarke. She just gave the blondee three plates. Clarke gladly took it and started to set the table.
"I didn't think it would be that normal." Clarke said and looked at Lexa.
"Tonight we are just two parents hanging out with their kid. We don't need to make it awkward." The brunette hold a glass of wine in front of her for Clarke to take.
"Yeah, you're right." She took the glass and sipped. "Still up for a talk after?" She asked shyly. She didn't know if Lexa changed her mind or not.
"Sure. Look Clarke... I know we need to start fixing it and I know it won't be that easy but I think talk would be a good start."
"I agree." Clarke smiled and took another sip. In that moment Aden bursted into the kitchen screaming that he is hungry.
"Wash your hands and we can eat buddy."
The dinner was nice. Aden talked about his practices and how the coach put him on a new position as a forward. He was telling Clarke that Lexa play with him in the park. He was talking how much fun he had in the preschool, about Ontari being his best friend. Now he was in the middle of a story at zoo.
“... and then aunty Rae asked this nice man if we can cuddle the little lion and he said okay. We were cuddling him! It was soooo cool!!” Aden talked happily as he was finishing his dinner while Clarke and Lexa listen carefully and giving Aden as much attention as they could. “Mommy can we have little lion? I would call him Simba! Like in that movie me and uncle Lincoln saw in Sunday.” He looked at Clarke with hope in his eyes.
“No buddy, we cannot have a little lion.” Clarke said and Aden looked at Lexa with hope that she could say yes but she just shake her head.
„Okay munchkin, you are going to take a bath, put some pj’s and we are going to watch ONE movie the you are off to bed.” Lexa stood up to clean the table but Clarke’s hand stopped her.
“You cooked dinner I’ll clean. Go and help him.” Clarke smiled and retracted her hand. Lexa just nodded looking at her own hand. She cleared her throat and went after Aden upstairs.
15 minutes later Clarke and Lexa we’re sitting on sofa with Aden’s head on Clarke’s lap and his legs on Lexa’s lap. They were watching Ice Age. 30 minutes into the movie and Aden was sound asleep. Quietly Lexa took him in her arms and put him into his room. Clarke was not so far behind. They both kissed him on his head and wished him good night. They sat in the living room again and looked at each other. Lexa was playing with her hands while Clarke was trying to shake some invisible dust from her pants. There was an awkward silence between them.
“Okay... we said we wouldn’t make this awkward. I’m going for something to drink. You want something?” Lexa stood up and looked at Clarke.
“A tea would be great. Thank you.” The blonde responded and when Lexa disappeared in the kitchen she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It’s okay. It’s just Lexa, it’s just a talk. She was trying to calm herself. She thought she was prepared for this talk but now she wasn’t so sure.
“Here you go.” Clarke jumped at the sound of the voice of Lexa. She didn’t hear her coming back. “You okay?” Lexa asked seeing Clarke all fidgety.
“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. Thanks for the tea.” The blonde took a sip and when she looked in Lexa’s eyes she wasn’t so nervous as before. She knew no matter what they would work it out eventually.
“Lexa...” “Clarke...” They said both at the same time. They laugh a little and then Clarke told the brunette to go first.
„First of all I need to say sorry.” Lexa said looking Clarke straight in the eyes. The blonde was so confused when she heard it and it was about to say something but Lexa stopped her. “I’m sorry for how I acted when we talked for the first time. I am sorry for kicking you out of our house. I’m sorry for taking my anger out on you. I’m sorry for being a dick. Since you get back I didn’t take any effort to hear you out and just stayed in my own head and I wasn’t fair towards you. For all of that I am so sorry. I was talking to Lincoln for these three weeks. I understand why you acted the way you did. It wasn’t the best choice to not telling me but I understand. I would have done the same if I were you. You wanted to protect me, to protect us. You thought it was the right thing to do and I get it. You just did what you thought was best. When you told me about miscarriage I was angry. I was so angry but not at you. Back then I thought you are the person I’m mad at but actually was me I was mad at.”
“You? But why? You didn’t do anything.”
“I was angry with myself because I couldn’t been there for you. Because I didn’t pushed harder when I saw that something is up with you when we called. Because I let you to went through this alone.” Lexa’s voice was soft, gentle. She really was sorry for her behavior towards the blonde.
“But...” Clarke knew it wasn’t everything. She knew she didn’t deserve for this apology. Yeah Lexa was acting like a jerk sometimes but it was justified. So she waited for rest of Lexa’s speech.
“But you still lied. You said you need to stay there when you actually was here... in the country. I can't say it didn't hurt when you said you weren't coming back. It felt like you left us. Like you gave up on us. Also you’ve been lying me for weeks before that. You claimed you were okay. You repeated this over and over again in our calls when clearly you weren’t. You weren’t fine. I saw it everyday we called. I saw the pain and exhaustion on your face. I saw the struggle and I couldn’t help you. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through and I know being there can be rough but it wasn’t excuse for lying. You were barely holding on but you kept going and I admire that about you but you need to know your limits.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have done that. I thought that if I believe it... believe that I am fine that it would become the truth. I didn’t wanted to hurt you. That was the last thing I wanted to do.” Clarke said and took the brunette’s hand. Lexa didn’t mind. She squeezed it softly giving Clarke the courage to continue.
“You know I blamed myself for my dad’s death. Even if everyone is telling me that it was accident. I was driving, I was reckless. You told me to go there. To take a job. Doctors Without Borders. It was helpful. As you said. For the first time since my dad died I felt like I’m not useless. Like I actually can help people. Like I’m not as empty as I thought. Everything was great. We helped so much people. I saw a boy that was in the same age as Aden. He always reminded me that I have a family that was waiting for me. A family that I love so much and I should get up in my feet for them. But then this happened. I felt responsible for it just I feel responsible for my dad’s death. I was so scared to tell you. First I just couldn’t. I didn’t know how. Then I was trying to protect you. You were so happy everytime we called. I didn’t want you to take that away from you. You were raising our son alone because I wasn’t there. You did so much for me and I just couldn’t tell you that I killed our child.” A single tear was slipping down Clarke’s cheek. “I’m sorry Lexa. I know that you should’ve known. I should’ve told you. It was your child too. I know that it wasn’t my fault but it was so hard to just get rid of that guilt. In that moment everything that include that car crush came back. I just felt as hopeless as I felt in that moment. I’m so sorry for not telling you sooner. I’m so sorry for lying to you.” Clarke wiped another tear.
“I’m going to a therapy. I’m starting to forgive myself especially for my dad’s death. I know I couldn’t do anything to stop miscarriage. At least in that moment. I’m seeing now how I hurt you. Back then I didn’t realize how much it affect you. I was in my own head. After dad died I forgot that you lost a close person too. You were his favorite. You spent a lot of time with him and I forgot that he was like a father to you. I forgot that you lost a father back then too. When the miscarriage happen I forgot that you were also a parent. Even though it wasn’t born yet. Even though you didn’t carrying it you were still a parent to that child as me and you can hurt as much as me. I’m so sorry Lexa. I’m sorry I weren’t there when you needed me. I’m so sorry. For everything. I’m trying now. To be a better parent for Aden, a better person for mom and hopefully a better partner for you in the future. I really want to fix this between us.”
“I know... me too. How about we fix this one step at a time.” Lexa said and sent Clarke a soft smile. Clarke nodded and smiled back.
They talked most of the night. When Clarke saw it was almost 3 in the morning she was shocked. She said it was late and she should go. They said goodbyes and Clarke was in her car driving to her mom’s house. They had a long way ahead of them to fix their relationship but it was a start.
One step at a time.