Fault
One and half year earlier.
Clarke was exiting Aden's room after putting him to sleep when her phone rang. She checked the caller ID. It was her dad. She smiled at herself and answered the call.
“Hey Dad. What's up?”
“Hello my favorite daughter.” Clarke rolled her eyes.
“I'm your only daughter, dad.” She chuckled.
“Yeah, but that doesn't mean your my favorite. Anyway, I was drinking and can't really drive. Can you pick me up?”Your mother has work so she can't do it.”
“Yeah, sure. Where are you?”
“I'm at Kane's. We celebrate his promotion.”
“Okay, I'll be there in fifteen minutes.”
“Thanks, I knew you are my favorite.”
“Yeah, yeah. See you later.” She laughed and hang up. She took her keys and went to the living room where Lexa was. “Babe, I'm gonna pick my dad up. I'll be in an hour.”
“Okay. I'll be waiting. Love you.” Lexa stepped a bit closer and kissed her. The blonde smiled.
“I love you too.” One more kiss and Clarke was outside the house. She got in her car and drove off. About fifteen minutes later she was outside Kane's house. She walked to the door and knocked.
“Clarkey.” Her uncle appeared in the door frame. She smiled at him and entered the house. “Congratulation on your promotion.” She hugged him and walked in. She looked at his father who was busy with watching some game.
“Dad, I'm here. Come on.” He looked at her and grinned.
“My favorite daughter!”
“Yeah Dad, we established this earlier.” She looked at her father and then at her uncle. “How much did you two drink?” They both looked so drunk.
“Not much. But don't tell your mother.” He was trying to be serious and that looked so hilarious Clarke started laughing.
“Okay, okay. My mouth is shut.” She looked at his father again. “Now, are you ready to go?” He nodded. She helped him get up and walked him to her car. She said goodbye to Kane and got in the driver seat. The drive was filled with easy talk.
The road was empty so she speed up a little. And that was the wrong decision. In that moment the car which was driving from the opposite direction suddenly turn on the Clarke's lane.
“Clarke watch out!” Her father yelled. She tried turning but it was too late. The last thing she saw was two lights that flashed before her eyes.
Both car had been going too fast. The impact was so strong. Jake took most of the hit. The car flipped a couple of times. Airbags shot and they immediately lost consciousness. When Clarke woke up she heard whistling in her ears from the impact. She felt agonizing pain in her body. She looked at passenger seat. The scene was terrifying. His head was covered in blood. A piece of metal was stuck in his side. Bits of glass from the windows were everywhere. He wasn't moving, he wasn't breathing.
“Dad!” She touched his arm. “Dad please wake up!” She tried to unfasten the belt but she screamed when she tried to move her left arm. Clarke raised her right arm to check her father's pulse. She couldn't feel it. No, no, no it isn't happening. She thought. “Dad! Come on… Open your eyes! Don't do this to me!” She yelled at him. She couldn't lost her father. “What have I done?” Clarke whispered to herself. She tried to wake him up although she knew it wouldn't work. He wasn't going to wake up. But she tried anyway. “No, no, no… Please dad open your eyes! Wake up!” Tears begun run down her cheeks. Her entire life crushed. In the distance she could hear the sirens of an ambulance. Her head was pounding and she felt like it was about to explode. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry...” She repeated that over and over again. She held his father's hand until paramedics took her outside of the car. She was shaking. Her whole body was in pain. But she kept repeating this two word over and over. They sedated her and she fell into unconsciousness. When she got to the hospital she was immediately taken on surgery.
When she woke up first person she saw was Lexa. She was sitting beside her bed and holding Clarke's hand. Her eyes were closed so the blonde thought she was asleep. She tried to not move too much. She didn't want to wake her up. She just looked at her and she was so grateful that her girlfriend was here. And then, out of nowhere everything hit her. Her father was dead. She had killed him. She felt like something heavy was on her chest. She couldn't catch her breath. She squeezed Lexa's hand hard and that's when the brunette woke up. The monitor above Clarke's bed started to make some loud noises. Lexa saw how Clarke struggled to breathe. She sat on the bed and Clarke felt strong arms embracing her.
“Shh… it's okay. You're safe. I'm here.” Lexa tried to calm her down. She needed her to breathe properly again. She was drawing smoothing circles over her back. She knew that Clarke was having a panic attack. “Count with me… one, two, three...” The blonde started to counting with her and after a few minutes she started to breathe normally. “I've got you.”
“I killed him.” Clarke whispered and buried her face in Lexa's neck. She let herself be held. She was crying. She felt disgust toward herself. She didn't know why she was alive and her father wasn't. He didn't deserve to die like that.
“No Clarke. It wasn't your fault. It was an accident.” Lexa didn't want Clarke to blame herself. She couldn't see that coming. It wasn't her fault.
“We both know it's not true. I'm the one who was driving. It was my fault” Her father wasn't the only one who had died. The other driver hadn't survive the accident either.
Two hours later Abby walked into the room. She breathed a sigh of relief when she saw her daughter wasn't asleep. She noticed Lexa wasn't in the room. She had needed to go and take care of Aden. It was one in the morning. Aden didn't wake up in the middle of the night anymore so she knew it must have been an emergency if Lexa needed to go to him. Abby took Lexa's chair and looked at her daughter.
“How are you feeling?” She checked Clarke's chart. “You have a broken arm and you had internal bleeding that's why they took you to surgery. You should be okay now.”
“Mom, I'm sorry.” Clarke didn't look at her mother. She couldn't.
“How are you feeling?” Abby repeated the question.
“Good, I think.”
“Are you in pain?”
“Nothing I can't handle”
“Are you sure? I could give you something for the pain.”
“No mom. There's no need…” Clarke looked at her mother but she didn't look at her in the eyes. “I'm sorry. I didn't want that to happen”
“Stop. Please.”
“But it was my fault. I tried to avoid the other car. But it was too late. I couldn't save him. I tried but he-”
“Clarke please stop! I don't want to hear it. I can't… please.” It was so hard for Abby. Her beloved husband was dead. She couldn't hear it. It was too much.
“Mom… I'm sorry.” Clarke tried to keep her tears at bay. “I'm sorry.” She whispered. Abby couldn't handle this. She left the room. It was so hard for her to look at her daughter in that state and not to break down herself. But Clarke saw this differently. When her mother left without any words, without any explanations, she thought that her mother blamed her for what happened. Her own mother blamed her for her father's death and she wasn't even surprised. She blamed herself as well. She was responsible for this. She started crying so strong that the nurse who entered the room needed to sedate her.
They went on the funeral two days after Clarke had been released from hospital. Clarke stood in the first row with her mother, Lexa and Aden. She watched like a coffin disappeared into the ground. She couldn't stand here much longer. She couldn't bear to be here. She couldn't do it. She let go of Lexa's hand and she run. She didn't know where she was running but she run anyway. She heard Lexa's voice behind her. The brunette was calling her. But she didn't stop. After a while Clarke felt two arms around her waist. She started crying in Lexa's arms.
“I can't back there.” the blonde whispered.
“You don't have to.” Lexa's fingers rubbed circles on Clarke's back. She held her in her arms and whispered soothing words in her ear. Even when Clarke had calm down Lexa didn't release the blonde from her arms.
“Can we go home?” Lexa nodded. Clarke looked around. “Where is Aden? Oh my God… Aden!” She started screaming his name.
“Clarke stop. He is with your mother. He is safe.” She held Clarke close. But it was like Clarke didn't hear any of her words. She tried to pull herself out of Lexa's embrace. She needed to find her son. “Clarke stop!”
“I need to find him.” Tears started to fall down her cheeks once again. She needed to see him. She needed to hold him tight. She needed to feel his beating heart. She couldn't loose another person.
“He is safe. Calm down and we go see him. Just calm down. He is okay.” Lexa waited until the blonde's body stopped shaking. She relaxed her grip and wiped the tears from Clarke's cheek with her thumb. “We re going to see him now okay?” She looked into blue eyes. Clarke nodded and they went to Aden. When the blonde spotted him she immediately took him in her arms and held him close. The little boy liked to be hugged so he didn't protest. His tiny hands were around his mommy's neck. A couple minutes later they headed home.
For two months Clarke was the shell of a person. She barely slept. She barely ate. She wasn't talking much. Only when someone asked her a question or when Aden was with her. She knew she had to be strong for her son. But when he was not around she was breaking again and crying a lot. Lexa tried to help her but it was hard. Clarke didn't act like herself. Even if she tried to be strong around her son he saw that his mother wasn't there. She spaced out a lot. Lexa's heart break when she saw blonde in that state. She didn't know what to do.
For the next two months Clarke spent most of her time in the hospital. But when she could she always was with Aden. She didn't want to neglect him. She loved him ad she loved Lexa. They were her family. But she felt empty inside. She smiled but these never reached her eyes. Not like it used to. When she laughed it was forced. She wanted so badly to feel something other than guilt, disgust, sadness. She was grieving. She knew that. But she only existed, not lived.
She had just finished her shift. Lexa promised that she would pick her up and together they went to Raven's party. Clarke didn't want to go but she had to. When she exited the hospital she heard Jaha's voice.
“You don't have to make choice now but please, just think about it?”
“Yeah, I will.” She said and went to Lexa's car. She kissed Lexa and smiled at Aden who was satting in the back.
“What was that about?” Lexa asked and she pointed at entrance where Jaha stood.
“He told me that there is spot available on another tour. But I told him that I won't be going. He asked me to think about it.”
“Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why don't you want to go?”
“Because I have a family here. You are here and Aden is here. I don't want to leave you for a year.” That was the main part of the reason. But she didn't want to go also because she knew that if she attached to the people there and if someone died on her watch she would never forgive herself and she could break down completely.
“Clarke it could help you.”
“Lexa please. Can we discuss it another time. Just go.”
The next day it was her day off. Lexa stayed at home as well. Clarke was playing with Aden in the living room. They built the tower with blocks. When he got bored with the blocks Clarke gave him some paper and crayons. He loved to drew with her. It was always their special times.
“It's so good Aden. Is that a cat?” Clarke looked at him and smiled at him. He shook his head.
“No mommy. It's a lion. A big lion.”
“Oh, I see… Show this to your mom. She'll love it” She kissed his head. He picked up his drawing and run towards Lexa.
“Look mom.” He put his drawing on her lap. Of course Lexa heard what it was supposed to be.
“Wow kiddo. It's amazing. It's very pretty lion.” Aden rolled his eyes in the same way as Clarke.
“He is not pretty. He is scary.” Aden said this like it was obvious and neither Lexa nor Clarke knew it. He yawned and Lexa picked him up.
“Someone is sleepy. How about we go take a nap?” He nodded his head and reached for Clarke.
“Mommy can you read me a story?”
“Yes baby. Of course I can.” She took him from Lexa and went to his room. He needed a story so he could asleep. Clarke was laying next to him and picked one of his books. She started read some story and within five minutes Aden was sleeping. She carefully exited his room and sat next to Lexa on the couch.
“Can we talk about the program?” Lexa looked at Clarke.
“There is nothing to talk about. I'm not going.”
“But it could help you. You know that.”
“I'm not leaving you for a year. It'll be to long.”
“We can do it. We've done this before.”
“But this time is different. We have a child. I don't want to miss anything.”
“You won't. We will be talking to each other a lot. We will skype and it's not like he is not going to see you.”
“But I won't be here, will I? It won't be the same. Can you just drop it?” Clarke was getting annoyed at Lexa's words.
“Just think about it.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
Clarke was sitting outside her friend's house. She had flipped every page of her sketchbook. She had traced her fingers on every single line. It was mostly filled with sketches of Lexa and Aden. She smiled at every one of them. Those piercing green eyes. She loved Lexa's eyes. She always got lost in them. Every time Lexa looked at her she felt love, happiness, safety. Home. Lexa was her home. And right now she couldn't go back. Not after what happened. Not after what she had done when she was in Africa. Not when she was a mess. She needed to wait a little longer. She knew that hurt them. She knew that Lexa could never forgive her. She knew that Aden… Oh God… Aden. My baby. She loved him so much. She knew she hadn't been the best mother for him. She would never forgive herself for being away from him. She felt bad for leaving him. She never wanted it. Tears started to fall down.
“I'm sorry.” She whispered and pressed the sketchbook to her chest. She heard footsteps near her. She wiped her tears and looked up.
“You have your appointment in an hour.” The tall blonde woman sat next to her.
“I know… She'll never forgive me Julie.”
“She will… You just have to explain her everything.”
“I can't lose her. I can't lose Aden,” Clarke started crying again. She felt so bad that she had lied to them.
“You won't lose them.”
“You can't be sure. I'm a terrible person. I'm terrible mother.”
“Clarke stop. You are doing this again. Just stop. You are healing. You are not terrible person. You've just needed time. She will understand.”
“What if she doesn't?”
“She will.” Julie needed to calm Clarke down. She knew Lexa could not forgive her right away but she would definitely understand. She knew how much Lexa and Aden meant to Clarke. They were her whole world.
Julie and Clarke were best friend since kindergarten. But before she had gone to high school, where Clarke met Lexa, Julie moved out to different country. Despite the fact they didn't see each other they talked or texted a lot. Julie came back to the country a few months ago when Clarke was still on her tour. They could always count on each other. That's why she didn't hesitate when Clarke appeared on her doorstep one night and asked her for help.
They were sitting on the couch and watching tv. Clarke tried to focus but she couldn't. She thought about Lexa about how she was gonna explain herself. She didn't know if the brunette forgave her but she knew that this was not going to be easy for either of them. The bell rang and Clarke snapped out of her daze. She stood up and grabbed her wallet. It was probably pizza and she saw that Julie was really focused on the movie so she didn't mind opening the door
When she opened it however her world stopped. She took a deep breath. Her heart was pounding in her chest. Her hands started to sweating. She didn't know if she should be scared or happy. She didn't know if she want to run or jump on that person. She saw those eyes she missed the most. She was lost again in green. She didn't know what to expect.
“Lexa...”