Seizing Bullets

Clarke woke groggily to see her mother, with her hands in her head, half asleep where she sat on a stool by the bed. There was no one else around and Clarke wondered what the others were doing; whether Lexa was already working with Raven on this new problem, what Murphy was doing, how Octavia was dealing with Bellamy...

She stifled a groan. A small part of her missed the slumber she had just awoken from. She was thrust into the midst of yet another fight and she had little idea of how to tackle it. Raven was the genius, not her. How could you fight a force that everyone was willingly flocking to? They'd made their choice.

Abbey jumped awake and glanced to Clarke, her face turning instantly from fear to a tenderness Clarke was sure she hadn't seen in quite a long time.

'How are you feeling?'

'Fine.' Clarke answered automatically; her back was still aching but it was nothing like before. 'Where is everyone?'

Abbey's eyes narrowed for a moment and she shook her head, confused.

'Who?'

Clarke rolled her eyes.

'I don't know...Bellamy, Lexa, Kane...anyone.'

Abbey sat up straighter and gave Clarke a scrutinising look.

'Which one?' She asked in a low voice, as though issuing a challenge.

'Which one what?' Clarke snapped.

'Who do you want to see first, Clarke?' Abbey asked, her voice flat.

Clarke avoided her mother's gaze. She wasn't ready for this conversation at all. She wasn't sure her mother even deserved to hear it.

They had both let each other down, they both disappointed each other so perhaps it was more fitting to say that at this point they were stuck with each other. It was hardly the ideal relationship based on love and respect. In her heart, she wasn't really sure what her mother felt towards her at all. How her mother looked at her after the events of TonDC had stayed with her. She saw it every night in her nightmares. And she had lied. She hadn't tried to be the good guy. She just wanted to save her friends. When she had shot Dante, she'd wanted to weep for herself but a small part had revealed in the revenge: she had ended the man who had tempted Lexa, who had made sure she would wear the burden alone. If she had to carry that burden, she was glad to carry Dante's death too. She hadn't actively wanted it, but she had not wanted to walk away from it all either.

'Lexa.' Clarke said finally, finally meeting her mother's eyes. 'I need to see Lexa first.'

Abbey stared at Clarke for a second, her eyes searching back and forth but Clarke remained impassive. Her mother finally stood up and walked out of the door leaving her alone. Clarke let out a sigh but she soon grabbed the edges of the bed and pulled herself up, slowly swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

She gasped, gingerly at each movement. Abbey had the sense to leave one of her old shirts on the stool, as hers had been cut away in the surgery. Clarke reached out and pulled the grey top over the head. It was a slow process, and she was only just pulling it down over her stomach when Lexa walked in.

'Where the hell have you been?' Clarke demanded and to her incredulity, Lexa for a small second, gave a soft smile.

'Talking with Raven...apparently you sent her to me.' Lexa replied gently and Clarke nodded, already annoyed at her own outburst. 'How are you?'

Lexa walked round the room to stand in front of Clarke, she pushed the stood aside with her hip so it rolled out of the way.

'Did she tell you everything?' Clarke asked, in a small voice.

She looked up in awe at Lexa. Her face had been washed clean but she was still in her Commander's outfit and she still had one blade with her. Clarke couldn't blame her for not quite trusting peace yet; after Titus, she wondered how soon Lexa would be to trust again.

Lexa nodded.

'And you?'

'Yes.' Clarke said pointedly.

'Clarke, I-'

'Never thought I needed to know about the AI?' Clarke asked quickly.

Lexa's eyes widened slightly but it was not out of fear. Clarke knew she was simply caught off guard that Clarke would think she had needed to know. Lexa was infuriating, and being able to read her was even more vexing. She really was not as mysterious as many in Skaikru made out, Clarke thought indignantly.

'That's not how I know of it. We call it the Flame.' Lexa replied. 'And no; when would it have been relevant?'

'Having a computer in your head might have been useful when we were fighting the Mountain Men.' Clarke muttered furiously.

'Clarke,' Lexa cut across gently, but Clarke could not look at her, 'just ask me.'

Clarke jaw twitched in annoyance. She didn't want to give this up yet. She didn't want the words to be taken from her. They'd still not discussed anything. Titus had shot her and they'd gotten into another war.

'Clarke,'

She closed her eyes slowly at the sound of her name, nee fore opening them again and looking to Lexa finally.

'Are you still...you?' Clarke asked hopelessly.

'Yes, Clarke.' Lexa smiled fully. 'I'm still me.'

'But how?' Clarke asked, confused.

'The Flame is passed down from commander to commander-'

'I know.' Clarke sighed. 'I figured it out. Raven told me enough.'

Lexa nodded, understanding.

'The Flame has not altered by personality. It cannot make a commander good or fair. If Ontari or Nia had taken the Flame, they would not be able to become good leaders. Their personality would still dominate.'

Clarke nodded slowly, but she was still confused.

'Is that why Aden is your favourite?'

Lexa nodded, but she rubbed her temple and for the first time Clarke realised how tired Lexa looked. She wondered if Lexa had been able to rest at all after the battle.

'Aden has all the virtues of a good commander.' Lexa replied. 'It's why we teach them-'

'The pillars.' Clarke said, remembering.

'Yes, we must teach them how to be good leaders. The Flame cannot give them that.'

At least Aden was still here. Lexa had brought him with her, as well as the other Nightbloods- all except Ontari, she realised, with utter dread.

'So what does the Flame do?' Clarke asked frowning; she'd worry about Ontari later.

'It enhances my perception.' Lexa replied, almost nonchalantly. 'I was always logical , but it has allowed me to make connections and come up with plans in a more organised way- I do not have to follow them however, that is my choice.'

Clarke thought she was beginning to understand but the concept of it did not provide much comfort. She felt as though they now weren't equal. She'd always thought of her and Lexa as in the same situation and that's why they understood each other so well, but now it felt as though Lexa had some sort of advantage over her. Her impulsive mistakes must have seemed ever more petulant than they ever were, at least to Lexa's mind.

'Do you see the City of Light?' Clarke asked eventually, although she wasn't sure how much she cared but she was certain it was a question she should at least ask.

'No.' Lexa replied. 'It seems to be the realm of ALIE, or so Raven has tried to explain.'

Clarke nodded and slowly tried to stand up. Lexa's reactions were like lightening. She dove forward but Clarke shrugged her off, stumbling round the bed.

'We have to get to work to stop this thing.' Clarke said.

'Clarke-'

'Don't.' Clarke warned. 'We have to do it. We don't have time to waste.'

'We need to talk.' Lexa said, in a voice that was much more like the Commander than Lexa.

Clarke shot her a furious glance at the tone.

'We need to get to work, Commander.' Clarke replied, in as much an even voice as she could but she faltered when Lexa's head titled questioningly at the use of her title.

'You failed the mention your plan included offering yourself as a sacrifice.' Lexa said, and Clarke felt her anger begin to brim.

'The things we've both failed to mention could fill a novel.' Clarke retorted.

Clarke looked away again. Everything Raven had said about taking the chip had seemed horrible. Raven had given herself up entirely. She'd allowed ALIE to strip her emotions and memories...but Lexa wasn't a part of ALIE and ALIE wasn't a part of Lexa. At least, that's what Raven and Lexa both seemed to think.

They'd spent so much time arguing, so much time locked in some battle of wills that now they were alone and Lexa wanted to talk about them, she didn't know what to say. She was so used to running but she was sick of it, and she didn't want to run from Lexa again- but she knew she couldn't survive another betrayal. This new element and the new world it was forcing upon them had completely thrown her and for the first time since perhaps they had landed on the ground, she didn't know what to do.

'You were tortured, Clarke.' Lexa said softly and when Clarke met Lexa's eyes, she saw the tears that were lacing them.

'I'm fine.' Clarke replied, but it was much less an automatic response than when she had addressed her mother.

'I heard it.'

Clarke swallowed her own tears. Lexa made no move towards her and Clarke hesitated, deciding to stay rooted to where she stood.

'I am sorry.' Clarke said sincerely. 'I had to.'

'No, you didn't.' Lexa emphasised quietly.

'They were my people. I had to do whatever it took.' Clarke replied.

'They were my people too.' Lexa replied. 'I never gave up on the vow.'

'Neither did I.' Clarke insisted. 'I believed in the Coalition. It's why I came back.'

Lexa eyes were clouded with conflict. Clarke resisted once more the urge to step forward and try to comfort her. They had to figure out some sort of plan to deal with everything that was coming. Raven said that they would have some time; ALIE wouldn't come back when Arkadia had a grounder army and Skaikru and so she'd have to work on a new plan. They didn't have any idea of knowing how long it would take ALIE though.

'Now you know what it's like.' Clarke said quietly, with a small smile. 'I couldn't do anything when you fought Roan.'

It was true; as much as she had hated to admit it that day had been one of the hardest she'd endured on the earth.

'Was this punishment?' Lexa asked, confused.

'No,' Clarke said, with a tender smile; Lexa looked incredibly vulnerable, 'this was what leaders do. We risk ourselves for our people. We trust in our allies to come through. We do what we can. You taught me that.'

'You were already a leader, Clarke.'

'No,' Clarke shook her head, 'but maybe we can both try to lead them now.'