65
From: Beff
we should go the beach
Emily frowns at the message, her face smudged with makeup and charcoal, nose upturned when she accidentally wipes more black onto her cheek. Emily groans, glaring at the canvas in front of her like its the reason she's being sloppy. It stares back, unfinished, but the result is mostly satisfactory and Emily keeps think back to the last gallery she went to Beth with.
From: Snob
no.
Emily bites her lip.
From: Snob
I'm working.
Beth's response is almost immediate, an onslaught of explanation points and heart emojis that Emily rolls her eyes at, smiling softly. She exits Beth's message, glances at the unread texts from Mike, from Jess and her smile drops.
Emily locks her phone, tosses it on the floor and looks back to her panel. It's messy, barely could be considered practice but it's something and she's back in her apartment for the most part. Progress. Chris said she could stay as long as she needed, Emily's just hoping it won't be much longer.
Progress.
Emily breathes, deciding to work another thirty minutes before taking a shower. Her apartment actually has conditioner, unlike Chris', along with a blow dryer that works but it doesn't have AJ or the thick heavy feeling that seems to drip from every corner.
A knock comes to her door when she's finished drying off, startling enough that Emily drops her towel, mind scrambling to guess whose visiting. It's probably Beth, most likely ready to drag Emily to another part of town. There hadn't been a repeat of that night on the balcony, Beth moving past it like it never happened and Emily's done the same.
Simple. It was refreshing.
Emily answers the door, hair damp along her shoulders, shirt hanging off and it isn't Beth on the other side. Her hand shakes on the doorknob, fighting every urge to slam her door shut but she doesn't, shouldn't run from things. Isn't that what she's been doing?
No, Emily's been busy. Distracted.
"Hey," Jess says, smiling widely. "I tried calling but... Anyway. I wanted to see you."
"I've been busy." Emily tells her, trying to keep her voice even, level but it shakes near the end. She swallows, stoning her expression and Jess' smile wavers, absently pulling at a long braid that hangs over her shoulder.
"You didn't call back." Jess says, meeting Emily's gaze. "I.. I didn't mean to make things hard between us."
Emily didn't either, couldn't keep the lid on her feelings and they climbed up until they consumed everything around her. She knows it's not Jess' fault, knows it's not hers either. It didn't stop how awful each day felt staring into the face of something you love and knowing it didn't love you back.
"It's fine." Emily replies.
Jess sighs, hand dropping to her side and she looks as though she wants to say more, Emily watching her, fingers twitching along the doorknob and Emily knows, knows she should invite Jess in but this is enough progress, she could've shut the door in her face, could've ran away again.
"I can't." Emily says suddenly, Jess looking at her. "I'm sorry."
Jess manages a smile, eyes so grey and stormy and Emily's heart clenches. "It's okay."
Jess sniffs. "Um, I'll see you around."
"Yeah."
It's painful, watching Jess leave, how slumped her shoulders are, how that once confident stride is shaky and uneven and Emily stares at her empty doorway until she hears the elevator down the hall ding.
Emily closes the door.
--
"Oh god, are you dead?"
Emily rolls over, taking her blanket along, a muttered "fuck you" between her teeth as Beth hops onto the bed, which trembles and shakes before settling. Hands knead at Emily's back, her shoulders and elbows and Emily groans in annoyance, huddling deeper into the blanket.
"Well, she's not dead." Beth muses.
"Go away. I'm tired."
"Well I'm bored so too bad, Princess." Beth responds, clamoring on top of Emily. "I saw your unfinished product. Looks really, really good, Em."
"Don't look at my shit." Emily bitches.
Beth snickers, settling on Emily's waist, rocking from side to side as she runs cold fingers through Emily's hair. "Bad day, dear?"
"Fuck you."
"Aw." Beth coos. "I brought you a burrito and this is how you treat me. It even has meat."
"Amazing." Emily deadpans, managing to roll over as Beth settles on her thighs, grinning widely. Emily glares back. "Move."
"That's the spirit." Beth pats Emily's shoulders, moving to lay beside Emily on the bed, eyes focused on the ceiling. Emily glances at her, suddenly tired, Beth's gaze focused on the ceiling splatters above them. She looks exhausted but settled, acceptance masking her features and Beth's chest rises as she inhales deeply, rolling onto her side, facing Emily.
"You talk to Jess?" Beth asks but she doesn't look at Emily, not really, just kind of stares into patterns of the crumpled blanket settled between them.
Emily frowns, "No?"
"She asked about you." Beth shrugs, picking at a loose thread. "I told her we've been hanging out."
"Oh."
"Yeah." Beth peers up at Emily through dark lashes, lips pouty, a nice shade of nude. "You should talk to her."
"You should mind your own business."
Beth huffs, "Yeah."
Emily stares at Beth a bit longer, watches her pull string after string from Emily's comforter until she decides to sit up, feeling Beth's heavy stare against her back. A hand curves along Emily's upper thigh, tap tap of fingers on skin and Beth shifts.
"I get it. I do."
"What?" Emily frowns. "You don't get anything. There's nothing to get."
"Sure there is." Beth removes her hand. "I get the whole falling for someone and they don't love you back. I get it."
Emily fists her comforter, mulling over Beth's words, hears how they play over and over and over. It irritates her, how smug the other girl sounds, how sure like she's experienced something like it, like she's lost-
"Sam tell you she didn't love you?" Emily inquires, turning to Beth, knee pressed into Beth's thigh. "Is that what you're trying to tell me?"
Beth chuckles humorlessly, waving her hand and it pisses Emily off.
"Then you don't get it."
Beth smirks, glancing up at Emily and it fades into a simmering pain, brown eyes sparkling under the lamplight and Beth sits up, her face too close to Emily's, their shoulders pressed together, expression so heavy, so filled up with an aching, old pain that Emily almost looks away.
"At least she told you." Beth whispers. "Imagine, Jess says it back, everything's good for a while and one day, you can just see it. That feeling being gone. You can tell in the way they look at you and you know, absolutely know what's about to happen but you don't try to stop it. You let it build away and hurt until the only reason you're still with them is because you're hoping and praying that she might start loving you again. It doesn't happen. She leaves and you're left feeling emptier than you ever have before."
Emily isn't sure what to say, doesn't know how to take what's being said to her because it doesn't seem real. She wants to say Sam wouldn't do that but Beth and Sam aren't together anymore, haven't been since December.
Beth moves away, shrugs, staring down at her fingers. "It's weird not having someone to take care of. Hannah's in Connecticut. Josh is.." Beth glances at Emily. "He's gone, too. I think I gave Sam too much of something but I don't know what. I think I put too much all at once because I'm so used to dividing it between people."
"I'm not upset with her. Sam is great. She was until the end. Even when she broke up with me. Fucking Sam, so damn polite all the time." Beth sniffs, wiping her nose. "I didn't mean to smother her. I didn't mean to make her fall out of love with me but I'm starting to realizing shit just happens."
"I'm sorry." Emily says after a moment, after the silence grows to be too much and Beth shrugs again, her smile dismissive, empty and she bumps Emily's shoulder.
"I wasn't trying to take over the conversation." Beth apologizes. "I was just... I understand, okay? I do so you don't have to worry about me judging you or whatever. You have someone to talk to."
Emily stares at her and it feels like her eyes are bulging out of her head, embarrassment thrumming through her body and Beth chuckles softly, leaning forward and pressing their mouths together, warm fingers finding one another under the blanket.
"Sorry. I like your mouth." Beth smirks once they pull apart and Emily snatches her hand away, cheeks hot and she shoves Beth hard causing the other girl hard.
"Aww, Em." Beth laughs, rubbing her arm with a pout. "I'm sorry. I can't control my lesbian gaze."
"Jesus, just shut up." Emily shoves her harder, trying to ignore Beth's dickish laughter. "I'm not a rebound."
"Too good to be a rebound." Beth agrees easily. "More like I'm your rebound."
"Desperation."
Beth gasps, offended, "Hey. I'm hot shit okay. Jess is gonna be so jealous when she sees us together. She'll be like "oh, oh I should've given Em a chonce-""
"Why did you say chance like that? What is she? British?"
"You keep being rude, Emily, and I'm going to take my nasty burritos home."
"Please do." Emily smirks.
"Please be nice to me." Beth huffs, pressing her forehead into Emily's shoulder. She's quiet for a moment. "Does Mike know?"
"He was there."
"Ouch."
"Yeah." Emily nods, numb and it doesn't feel as bad anymore and maybe she's just stopped thinking about it, imagines today could've gone a lot more painfully if Beth wasn't so distracting. Emily thinks about how Beth said she is used to having someone to take care of, her pride wanting to argue that she doesn't need help or anyone. She could handle anything by herself.
Emily sniffles wetly, a stream of tears sliding down her cheeks and she gasps, startled, hands quickly coming up to wipe her face, a sob escaping her lips and fuck, it won't stop, won't stop. There's an arm wrapped around her shoulder, a hand on her forearm, Beth's soft "it's okay" reverberating through her skull like a howl.
"Just let it out."
But Emily didn't want to, not really, not when she feels bratty and selfish and of course, her emotions get the better of her, cause her to be foolish and stupid. She's fallen from grace, her high horse because she couldn't handle a simple rejection.
Pathetic.
"You're not pathetic, Em."
"Shut up, Beth." Emily whimpers, furiously wiping her face and Beth snickers, allowing Emily to shrug her off, to push at her shoulders, her arms until Emily's looking down at her.
Beth sighs, reaching up to thumb away tears and Emily cringes, shrinking back, pulse thunder in her ears and she doesn't want to talk about that, about anything close to how fucking weak she actually is.
Emily doesn't like girls, doesn't like boys but she likes people who want her, who see her value as if she has any, who haven't seen how pathetic she is and Beth is about to say something, lips parting and Emily bends down before she can speak, pushes every horrible, awful thought away.
Beth kisses back, pressing up on her elbow, one hand sliding through Emily's hair, fingers twisting and tugging and Emily groans against her, Beth's tongue swiping along her bottom lip and Emily opens up, welcomes the heat that follows, the way Beth pushes her back, limbs scrambling to change position.
Beth settles over Emily, mouth moving down farther and farther, nipping and biting and Emily groans softly when Beth stills, rolling to sit up on her calves, eyes cloudy and distant as she stares down at Emily.
"What?" Emily winces at how strange her voice sounds, how awful and croaky and Beth shifts once then twice and she's moving away.
"I should go." Beth sounds shaky, lost and if Emily didn't feel like everything was crumbling down around her, she'd comment on it, reach out, something, instead Emily rolls onto her side, fingers trembling as she yanks her blankets. She burrows inside of it, grinding her teeth hard and Beth is right. She should go.
"Sorry."
"Just go. Please."
The last thing Emily hears is her apartment door closing.
Chris is asleep on the couch when Emily drops by, one leg dangling off, glasses crooked and the notebook lays on top of his chest, cradled like it's precious, like it hasn't made him relive a relationship he'll never get back over and over again.
He startles awake when Emily takes off his glasses, mumbling incoherently before focusing, squinting through grey darkness and Emily wedges herself between him and the couch.
"Shit. What happened?" Chris yawns, adjusting himself, body facing hers and he blinks through sleep, biting back a yawn that makes his teeth chatter.
"Just go back to sleep, Hartley." Emily says softly, hesitant, and she feels so angry, so stupid and relieved but she's not sure why.
"Yes, ma'am." Chris' voice is sluggish and drowsy, his arm wrapping around her and Emily tries not to wake him when she can't stop the tears.
--
Emily kneels beside AJ, his soil damp and new, a cup of ice water in her hands. She bought him a new pot, colored like the night sky and bright stars. Chris had called it tacky but Emily reminded him that he owns three different kinds of aloha shirts which was already a horrible offense.
Beth had text but she never came by and Emily never responded, trying sift through how exactly she feels in regards to anything. She didn't think about Jess as often, didn't think about how she failed her midterm, barely thought about Beth leaving but it was a good thing, probably for the best and Emily knows she has a track record of doing dumb things when she's feeling lower than dirt.
She missed Beth though. And Jess.
"Is that a good thing?"
AJ doesn't say anything but his base is healthy and green and Emily thinks that's as good of an answer as anything.