I Keep It Hid
Episode Title: I Keep It Hid
Episode Summary: Secrets are kept...and revealed.
"I still love you like I did
You know, nothing's really changed here
But being the way I am
I keep it hid."
Callie had kept a wide berth of Meredith for more than a week—not because she was ashamed of her reawakened feelings for Arizona, but because she was ashamed for ever convincing herself otherwise. She had gone on and on about Penny and asked her friends to accept the relationship; and, now, admitting to herself and to Meredith that none of that had been real―that it had all been an attempt to find purpose and move on from the person she now knew she was meant to be with―was, frankly, embarrassing.
And, as much as she had wanted to talk about her feelings with Meredith the week before, she suddenly was kind of dreading it. The look her friend had given her in the elevator had made her feel uneasy, and confronting that uneasiness was a task she had put off for as long as she could.
One pleasant consequence of avoiding Meredith had been increased contact with Arizona. After she had been able to compartmentalize her feelings, she had spent a lot of time with her ex: four lunches, two coffees, and an after-soccer ice cream all in the past week and a half―not that Callie had been counting.
Dodging Meredith, however, finally came to an end on a day they both had later shifts, and her friend managed to rope her into coffee and carpool.
Sitting at the table in the former 'frat house' kitchen, Callie sipped on her hot cup of caffeine and waited for Meredith to break the silence.
Meredith stood at the island counter, stirring some creamer into her cup and watching the nervous brunette run her fingers along the edge of the table. It was obvious that Callie had something on her mind, and she strongly suspected the subject.
"Callie?"
Callie looked up from her coffee and met Meredith's inquisitive stare. "Yeah?"
"Is there something you want to talk to me about? Because, last week in the elevator, you started-"
"There is," Callie interrupted. "But I need a minute." Her fingertips continued to tap the table.
"Okay." Meredith walked over and joined her at the table, patiently waiting.
Callie's brow furrowed as her gaze remained on the table. "I can't believe April gave birth here," she mused.
Suddenly, her eyes widened. She pulled her hands back and looked up, "You sanitized this, right?"
"It's a new table, Callie. Now, stop changing the subject." Meredith had given her friend enough time to stall. "In the elevator, you were talking about Arizona, weren't you?"
Callie took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes. I was."
"You've been…'having feelings' for Arizona?"
Again, Callie nodded.
"Okay. So, what's your goal? What do you want?"
"I want our easy friendship back."
Meredith smirked. "What 'easy friendship'? Some people can never just be friends. You two included."
Callie made a face. Okay, that was true. "But we've been spending a lot of time together lately. And it's been good. Fun." She paused wanting to explain further, but unable to come up with any words beyond, easy and friendship-y.
"Are you sure an easy friendship is all you want?" Meredith pressed. "Because, before, you said you wanted a second chance."
"I do," Callie finally conceded. There was no point in denying it anymore. Meredith wasn't stupid. "I want to be with her."
Meredith considered her words carefully before answering. "Callie, I'm your friend, and I'll support you no matter what." She fixed Callie with a stare. "I think I proved that when I testified for you, so that you could move to New York with Penny. But now you suddenly love Arizona again?"
"Not suddenly," Callie clarified. "I…never stopped. You know that." Meredith, of all people, understood the ups and downs of love. "I think everything we've been through, all the crap and hardship and separation...It's all just part of our story."
"Of course it is. But…you got divorced." Meredith, as always, was on Callie's side, but she wanted her to think carefully about her choices. Trying again with the person she loved, something that Meredith herself couldn't do, had potential life-changing possibilities for both Callie and Arizona. But if it didn't work out, neither woman would ever recover. "Isn't that the end of your story?"
"No!" Callie defended. "As long as we're both alive, it's not the end!"
Her eyes widened at her outburst. She hadn't intended to say something that would hurt her friend, but the truth of the matter was that Arizona was alive, and their second chance was possible.
After a few moments of stunned silence, Meredith nodded in understanding. "Okay."
Callie hadn't expected that reaction. "'Okay'?"
"Yeah." Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat. "I would give anything for another chance with Derek. So I get it. If this is what you want, then I've got your back."
"Thank you," Callie exhaled her relief. "I just hope I can keep from blurting it out before I know Arizona's receptive to it. This time, we both need to be on the same page."
"Okay, Claire," Arizona smiled, "let me just get your discharge papers, and then you and little Sammy will finally be able to go home."
"Thank you, Dr. Robbins," the woman gushed. "You're great, and I love that you're my doctor, but we're more than ready to get out of here."
Arizona strode towards the nurse's station in the maternity ward, grateful to be the bearer of good news for a change.
She brought the paperwork back to her patient, then—walking through the quiet hallway—spotted Alex, of all people. He was standing against the wall, attempting to appear laid-back, but the way he was staring at Arizona told her a different story.
"Karev..."
"Hey," he breathed, hesitantly stepping forward.
"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.
"Nothing!" he defended. "I'm just-"
"You're lurking," she accused. "In the maternity ward. It's weird."
"I'm not lurking," he growled.
"Yeah...but a little bit, you are," she teased. "What are you doing here?" She continued walking, Alex following right beside her.
"I was...looking for you," he explained, a little embarrassed. He wasn't often one to ask for help.
"For me? Do you need a consult?"
He sighed. "No."
"Well, I'm a little busy, so-"
"Look!" he snapped. "You said if I needed you, you'd be there."
Arizona's head shot up to look at him. "Oh," she softened. "Okay. What is it?"
"I need to tell you something."
With his mentor's eyes trained on him, Alex began to lead them down the hall toward an on-call room. He opened the door, chivalrously ushering her inside, then shut the door behind himself.
"Karev…"
He met bright blue eyes. "I have a secret."
"Oh!" An excited smile lit up Arizona's face. "I love secrets!"
Alex attempted to smile, but it looked more like a grimace. "Right."
Sitting down on the cot, Arizona squirmed in her seat. "So…" She patted the bed, urging Alex to sit across from her. "Tell me!"
Alex sat down. "I don't know what to do. I had to tell someone."
"Torres!" Bailey called out.
Callie whipped her head around, turning to face her friend.
"What are you doing tonight?"
"Movie with Sofia. Why?"
"Change of plans," the Chief decided. "You're coming to Joe's. We hired a sitter."
Callie knit her eyebrows together, then remembered with excitement, "Oh! I totally forgot it's your birthday! Happy birthday!" Sheepishly, she added, " I didn't get you anything."
Bailey rolled her eyes. "Don't make a big fuss. We're just having a few drinks at Joe's. I was fine with skipping any celebrations this year, but Ben insisted because it's the big Four-O." She scowled. "I'm not looking forward to being forty."
Callie's face twisted. "Ugh. Forty. Word of advice from someone who's recently been there: don't suddenly take stock of your life and then make rash decisions based on fear of growing old. It doesn't necessarily lead to positive change," she sighed.
"Duly noted," Bailey smirked. "So I can count you in?"
"I'll be there," Callie grinned. It had been a rough year since her last birthday, but she finally felt like she was on the right path again, moving in the right direction.
"Great. Is seven okay for you?"
"That's when my shift ends, but I'll be there soon after." Callie then wondered, "Hey...can I bring Mike along? He's the guy who's been helping with my project. He's not from Seattle and has barely been out of his hotel room. He's really nice and funny. You'll like him."
"That's fine." Bailey waved her off. "The more the merrier. Oh, and speaking of your project, I RSVP'd to the Armed Forces Amputee Coalition for you. The awards ceremony is next week."
Oh. Right. That. "Bailey," Callie warned. "I never agreed to go."
"That's okay. I agreed for you." Bailey smiled in victory and turned to walk away. "You can bring Mike as your plus-one, if you like."
Frustrated, Callie huffed, stalking off in the opposite direction.
The more Alex talked, the wider Arizona's eyes became. By the time he finished, she looked more like a tarsier than a woman.
"Say something!" he demanded. He had told Arizona so that she would make him feel better, but so far, he only felt worse.
"This is a bad secret," she reacted.
"I know!" Alex insisted.
"This is the crappiest secret I've ever heard! It's bad for everyone involved! It destroys everyone who touches it!"
"You think I don't know that? I don't know what to do. Tell me what to do!"
Arizona took a step back, physically separating herself from the situation. "I can't."
"Come on!" Alex fought. "You always know what to do!"
"Not this time," she argued. "Y-y-you're like Midas, except instead of turning everything to gold, you turn it all to c-"
"Turn it all to crap, I get it!" he finished. "Fine. You're right. I mess everything up. But what do I do?"
"Just…" She held up her hand, preventing any further panic. "Let me get this straight."
Alex waited.
"Jo—whose real name isn't Jo—is married. Her husband, who you spoke to, was physically abusive, and she ran away."
Alex nodded. So far, Arizona had it all right.
"And she told you not to contact him, but you did."
"I told him to stay the hell away from her!" he defended.
Ignoring him, Arizona continued, "So you found him, called him, and then launched into some angry tirade as soon as he picked up the phone? You didn't think about-"
"I know, okay?" Alex interrupted. "I shouldn't have done it. But I couldn't stop thinking about the son of a bitch laying his hands on her."
Arizona sighed. She understood the instinct to protect the person he loved.
Filled with anxiety, Alex's crazed eyes bored into his mentor's. "Do you think he'd do something? Do you think he could trace my number and...find us?"
Wide eyed, Arizona shrugged. "Alex, I don't know."
"I mean, I didn't tell him anything. And I doubt he has any resources. He's probably just some deadbeat, like my dad," Alex continued.
"Okay. So...you're fine," Arizona decided. She tried to keep her tone reassuring, but she could sense that Alex was still anxious. She was, too.
"Yeah," he agreed halfheartedly. "We're fine."
A few minutes later, Alex held the door open for Arizona as she stepped out of the on-call room. He followed closely behind, looking guilty. Bailey narrowed her eyes at the sight, but it was her birthday, and she wasn't going to get involved with whatever nonsense they were involved in.
"Hey, you two!" she called, making them both nearly jump out of their skin. Arizona clutched Alex's arm to steady herself.
"Joe's tonight at seven. It's my birthday. Be there."
At 7:35 p.m.—with Mike and Meredith in tow—Callie strode into Joe's bar, scanning the crowd for her friends' familiar faces.
"Torres! Grey!" Owen called out, waving them over.
All the doctors turned toward them, and Callie spotted Arizona in between Bailey and Alex. She had been so busy that she hadn't even realized her ex-wife would be there.
Nearing the table, she watched as Arizona's eyes remained trained on her—until they switched focus and narrowed at the man behind her.
"Heeey!" Bailey called, already a little tipsy.
"Sorry I'm late," Callie apologized. She gestured to her acquaintance. "This is Mike Singh. He's an engineer with Biomed who's been helping with my new prototype. He's not from Seattle and doesn't know anyone, so be nice to him."
Owen stood up from his chair to shake hands with the stranger. "Owen Hunt," he introduced himself. "I used to help Callie with the project, but she didn't need me. She's..." he trailed off, his admiration evident.
"She is brilliant, I know," Mike agreed, smiling. "No one at Biomed even thought to use our product this way. I'm basically just here for data entry. Her prototype is going to change lives. I'm proud she let me be part of it."
"You all know she's getting an award next week for this, don't you?" Bailey blurted. The few drinks she'd had were already making her loud.
Meredith turned to the brunette beside her, giving her an accusing look. "I did not." Why hadn't Callie said anything?
Arizona frowned. "I didn't either."
"I didn't say anything to anyone because I wasn't going to accept it!" Callie defended.
"Why not?" Amelia chimed in. "We're surgeons. Narcissists. We love accolades."
"She didn't want to give the acceptance speech," Bailey answered for Callie. "Said something about having no one to hold her hair back when she pukes."
"No I didn't. Bailey!" Callie blushed, her eyes involuntarily flicking toward Arizona.
"That's what you were thinking," Bailey shot back, smiling triumphantly when Callie's expression confirmed her assumption.
Meredith touched her friend's arm. "Callie, don't let your fear of public speaking keep you from accepting an honor you deserve."
Callie sighed. "I know, and I'm going."
"Wait," Mike cut in, confused. "I watched your Ted Talk. You sounded fine. Not scared at all."
Callie's eyebrows flew up. "You watched that?"
"Of course," Mike replied, his smile easy and full of professional admiration. "When Biomed asked me to come to Seattle to help you, I googled you. After what I read, I jumped at the chance to be involved in one of your projects."
Callie smiled. "Well, I'm flattered."
"Are you sure you have to give a speech?" Arizona knew how much Callie despised public speaking.
Before Callie could answer, she watched as Arizona turned to the woman on her left.
"Bailey, you should go! She needs someone there." If Callie was going to win some grand award, she really wanted the night to go well for her.
"Well…" Bailey started, distracted by the way Callie was watching them.
"Do you want us to come?" Owen cut in, smiling at Callie. "We can go support you."
"No," Callie insisted. "Thank you, but no. It's not a big deal."
Noting her friends' surprised expressions, she softened her tone. "Trust me, if I have to give a speech, the less people there, the better." She felt her breathing shift at the mere thought of a room full of people with their eyes on her.
"Callie," Arizona soothed, though her voice remained insistent. "You should have a friendly face in the audience. Especially if you have to give a speech."
Meeting Arizona's eyes, Callie knew she was right. Arizona had always known what she needed. Still, the very idea of anyone she knew being there made her feel sick to her stomach, so she just shook her head.
Watching the little exchange, Bailey noticed the way Callie's body seemed to visibly loosen, just by listening to the easy lull and cadence of Arizona's voice. Anxious and shifty just seconds before, the brunette visibly relaxed: the tension fell from her shoulders and her breathing evened out. It seemed that, as soon as her fear formed, Arizona alone was able to dissolve it.
Making an executive decision, the chief cleared her throat. "We can't all go, anyway," she clarified. "Just the honoree and her date. The event is invite-only."
An hour later, Alex and Arizona were up at the bar buying drinks, when she suddenly turned toward her protégé.
"So what's up with this Mike guy, anyway?"
Alex shrugged. "You heard Callie. He's some sort of engineer."
"I know that," Arizona huffed. "But, I mean, could you get a read on him?"
"Seems nice enough." Frankly, Alex didn't care. He just wanted a drink. Lots of them.
"He said he googled Callie," Arizona continued. "Isn't that kind of creepy? I mean, he knows all about her. What do you think his intentions are? You know what sort of people Google people, right?"
"What sort is that?"
"The unscrupulous sort."
"I googled Jo's ex!"
"And your scruples are sometimes questionable! So you proved my point."
"Whatever. Why do you care, anyway?" Alex countered.
"I just do!" Arizona insisted.
Alex studied the blonde, noticing the way she watched Callie and the man beside her. "Dude."
Arizona turned to him. "What?" she snapped defensively.
"You've gotta reason with your green-eyed monster."
"I'm not jealous, Karev."
"Whatever you say..."
"Alex," Arizona warned. "I'm not."
"You can deny it all you want, but I remember how drunk you got the first night she brought Blake around."
"Well, you're one to talk! At least I didn't beat the crap out of the woman."
"Yeah, well, Jo and I are together. It makes sense for me to be jealous. And I told you the thing with DeLuca was a misunderstanding."
"Brought on by jealousy," Arizona finished matter-of-factly.
"Fine, but I accept it...unlike you."
"There is nothing to accept! I'm not jealous. I love her, and want her to be happy, but…"
"Dude, what?"
"What?"
"You said you love her."
"No, I didn't." Arizona didn't know where that had come from. Well, she knew, but she hadn't wanted to admit it, even to herself.
"Yes, you did!" he insisted. "You said it."
"I'm pretty sure I would know if I were still in love with her, Alex," she lied.
"Look, it's okay. It's normal for you to still have feelings," he softened. "I want to spend the rest of my life with Jo, but sometimes I still think about Izzie and what if we had made it, you know?"
"Right." Arizona closed her eyes. "It doesn't mean that I want to get back together or anything. There's just lingering...stuff. There will always be stuff."
"Sure," he nodded. "Stuff."
Arizona sighed. There were definitely feelings, but she didn't want anyone to know. She wasn't ready for that, yet, and she was pretty sure that Callie wasn't either.
"So…what do you say we keep this conversation between us?"
"I'll keep your secret if you keep mine," Alex swore. And with that, he took a long swig of his beer and walked off.
"Callie." Meredith approached the brunette, who was standing at the bar getting the next round of drinks. "You're positive you don't want to bring anyone?" she pressed. "I mean, Arizona has a point. You really should have a friendly face in the audience. Cristina thought she didn't want anyone at the Harper Avery award ceremony, but she was grateful that Owen and I came anyway."
Callie shrugged nonchalantly, but Meredith was right. It always helped to have people to look to for support. People she trusted.
Callie knew exactly who she wanted to take, but it was probably too soon to go there. So she lied. "I don't know..."
Meredith nodded in acceptance, offering, "Well, you know I'll be there if you want me. I'm a great clapper."
Callie laughed. "I don't doubt that." She offered her friend a genuine smile. "Thank you."
Meredith returned the smile, and the pair headed back to their table with a tray of drinks.
Having kept her distance for most of the night, Arizona approached Callie, who was sitting quietly at the other end of the table. Breaking the ice, she tilted her head towards Mike, who appeared to be chatting up Stephanie. "They seem to be getting along."
Callie followed Arizona's eyes, grinning, "I know. Apparently, they went to the same school for undergrad. I'm glad he's finally getting to know a few people. He's a nice guy."
"Smart, too," Arizona added, teasing, "He recognizes your genius."
Callie looked down, attempting to hide her flushing cheeks and flattered smile. "Well…"
"I mean it. This thing next week is a big honor," Arizona continued. "You've really done great work."
Callie shrugged, self-deprecating as she argued, "Not really. It's not like I'm winning a Harper Avery."
"No, you're being awarded by the people you've actually helped," Arizona countered with a gleam in her eye.
Callie had changed soldiers' lives. And, more than that, she had saved soldiers' lives—Arizona herself knew a few former Marines who had lost themselves (or worse) when they had lost their ability to serve.
Callie's award—her work—was a big deal, and Arizona wasn't going to let her ex-wife minimize that.
"Fine. It's an honor," Callie surrendered, affectionately rolling her eyes at the woman who always seemed to be right.
Triumphant, Arizona dimpled, loving the way her ex-wife brightened as soon as they locked eyes.
"How is April doing, by the way?" Callie wondered, needing to call the attention away from her own success. Arizona's admiration felt so good that she felt her entire body begin to hum like an airplane on take-off, and she worried the dizziness would make her say something she shouldn't. "Is Harriet letting her get any sleep?"
"April's good," Arizona replied with ease. "I think Jackson's helping out a lot, which is good for all three of them."
"Is she coming back to work soon?"`
Arizona nodded. "She's scheduled next week, but we'll see. I think she'll want more time with the baby. I still have trouble leaving Sofia."
"Good point," Callie agreed. "It's hard leaving them when they're so little. But it will be nice for you, having your friend back at work."
Arizona shrugged, unconcerned. "Honestly, it won't even compare to how I felt when you came back," she confessed. Catching herself and eager to change the subject, she asked, "Do you think Sof will get along with Bailey's sitter? Did you meet her?"
"Yup. Carla seems great. She's Tuck-approved, and if he's anything like his mother..."
"They'll both have thoroughly vetted her," Arizona finished, chuckling.
"Yeah, Bailey gave me her full resume. She's a retired Spanish teacher, originally from Guatemala. Her kids are already away at college, and she lives next door."
Arizona's eyebrows shot up. "Maybe we should get her email," she mused. "I want Sofia to practice her Spanish more."
"Grey! Grey!" Bailey, truly drunk for the first time all year, swatted Meredith a little harder than was necessary.
"What? Ow!" Meredith ripped her arm away, rubbing it with her other hand. "What?"
"You see what I'm seeing?" Stealthily, she pointed toward Callie and Arizona, who were leaning toward each other in order to hear over the loud bar patrons.
Meredith knew exactly what Bailey was seeing, but for the sake of privacy, she played dumb. "What are we looking at?"
"Them!" Bailey snapped. "Robbins and Torres. Callie and Arizona. No…" Coming to a sudden realization, she paused before exclaiming, "Calzona!"
Meredith snorted. "Please don't say that again. Isn't that a food?"
"That's a calzone, Grey. Very delicious, but not the point," Bailey argued. "Are they dating?"
"They're not dating." That was the truth.
Bailey accepted that answer, but she couldn't help asking, "Do they want to be dating?"
Meredith pursed her lips, unwilling to betray her friend's trust—at least not directly.
"Meredith Grey!" Bailey scolded. "I am the Chief! You have to answer."
"Well, look at them," Meredith hinted.
And it wasn't even that Callie and Arizona were flirting with each other. They weren't. They did, however, look entirely devoted, focused solely on the other as if there were no one else in the entire bar. That spoke volumes. What she and Bailey saw looked like deep, palpable love.
And for a minute, they both watched the two women with unconscious grins. Then, suddenly, Bailey decided, "They're in love!" and dissolved into a fit of giggles, burying her face in Meredith's shoulder.
Recovering, she sat back up, attempting to maintain a serious expression despite her drunken giggles. "I knew it."
Meredith smirked. "No, you didn't."
"Yes, I did. Grey, I am the Chief. I see everything. I know…everything."
"Okay..." Still, Meredith was unconvinced. She took a sip of her drink and eyed Bailey, silently challenging her.
"I'll prove it," Bailey whispered, gesturing for the other woman to lean in closer. Conspiratorially, she continued, "The Armed Forces actually offered us twenty tickets."
Meredith's eyebrows flew up. "What? But you said-"
Bailey crossed her arms. "Mmm-hmm, I said there were only two, but I lied. I could see the way they were looking at each other. It was obvious that Callie doesn't want anyone there but Arizona. And Arizona desperately wanted to go, so I made that possible."
"Bailey!" Meredith exclaimed, beyond impressed. "I didn't know you had matchmaking in you!"
"They belong together, and it's about time they remember that."
Meredith nodded in agreement. Who was she to argue with fate?
Silently, they continued to watch the two women interact while they sipped their drinks.
After a few passing moments, Bailey refocused her attention on Meredith. "How long have youbeen sleeping with Dr. Riggs?"
Meredith choked on her tequila, her face turning red as she turned to look at the chief.
Bailey reached over and gently patted her on the back. "I told you, I know everything."
An hour later, Arizona's yearning-filled eyes followed Callie's form making its way to the back of the bar towards the bathroom.
And, deciding she may as well reapply her lipstick during the lull in conversation, her own feet soon followed in the brunette's direction.
Pushing the door open, she saw Callie standing at the sink and felt a sudden sensation of deja vu come over her.
"Hey," she smiled, her stomach doing backflips. There was something about that bathroom…
Callie caught blue eyes in the mirror, her lips curling up into a smile. "Hey," she breathed. She couldn't help but think about the last time they'd been there, like this.
She turned to face the blonde. "You having fun tonight?"
Arizona nodded. "It's always fun to see Bailey drunk."
Callie laughed. "It is." She felt her heart speed up in anticipation—of what, she didn't know.
She waited in suspense for Arizona to say something else, wondering what was going through the blonde's mind between their pause in conversation.
"Um." Arizona cleared her throat. "I was just going to put on some lipstick."
After a moment of silence, the comment registered. "Oh!" Callie yelped, immediately jumping away from the sink. "Right. Sorry." She shook her head, embarrassed by her entrancement. "I really like that color on you."
Tenderly, Arizona smiled at the compliment as she approached the sink.
Callie felt herself shudder at the warmth she could practically feel radiating off of Arizona as she passed by, their arms just barely brushing. Her fingertips practically singed with a need for more contact. "Well…" She paused. "I should probably get back out there."
Arizona nodded. "I guess we'll see each other in a minute."
"Yeah." Callie nodded one too many times. She wanted to say more but didn't know how. As she backed toward the door, she risked one more look at Arizona before opening the door and taking a step out of the small space.
Until a second later, when she stumbled right back in.
Arizona turned around, more alarmed than surprised. What's going on?
"Oh! Yeah! Also," Callie began. "I was thinking about what you said..."
Arizona waited.
Callie began to ramble. "If you're not busy next Saturday night, and not working, and, maybe, wouldn't mind, I wanted to ask-"
"Callie." Arizona interrupted her nervous blithering with a smile.
Callie gulped, reigning herself in.
"The awards thing next week, and my, um, plus-one," she croaked. "I, uh…" She paused, building her courage.
Biting her lip, she looked up to meet the gentle eyes caressing her face, which finally prompted her to ask:
"Will you be my friendly face?"