Her name is Chai and you hate her, because what kind of name is that? Chai. What kind of name is that! This isn’t Starbucks and she is not tea! It’s always a name like that, isn’t is? Chai. Sage. You scoff and dig your heel into the ground, looking up at endless blue skies framed by angry reds and oranges that promise you everything will be numb soon, because it’s almost winter, and then, when the air is thin and distant and cold, you won’t feel so guilty anymore.
You dig your hands into your jacket pockets, cast your head down, and keep on walking.
-
She likes Riley, and you can tell. Of course she likes Riley- who wouldn’t? But you don’t trust her. Because she didn’t like Riley, not at first, and because her name is Chai, and those are your only reasons, no matter what anyone says.
But she likes Riley, and you can tell, because she stares at the back of her head during class, kind of amused and kind of intrigued, and for some reason you just hate her.
And they’re almost, sort of, kind of friends, too. Because they talk now. Witty banter and grins, and “I still don’t like you,”s that she doesn’t mean (and everyone knows it) and very quickly your life has turned into pressed grins just on the surface of dirty looks and this rapid confusion, because really, your reasons for hating her aren’t that great, but you can’t seem to shake this nagging feeling that you hate her more than anything, even if you don’t know why.
You grit your teeth and raise your head again as you leave school without Riley. You look up. Orange leaves. Not winter yet. You sigh and ball your fists again and it’s fine.
-
You’re sent home early for dress code violations. It’s fifty degrees and you should be wearing layers, anyways, so really, this could have been avoided, but that’s not the point. The point is that you’re sent home early, so you walk from your house to Topanga’s, instead, but when you get there, Chai is sitting in your seat next to Riley.
You laugh tiredly, bite your lip until it starts to bleed, and walk all the way back home.
You don’t go to Topanga’s the next day. You make up some tired excuse, and Riley knows something’s wrong, but she doesn’t say anything because Chai grabs her arm before she can, and then she closes her mouth and you turn around with a burning in your chest and it’s fine even if your heart is beating fast, and it’s fine.
-
You try to get along with her, because you love Riley, and Riley seems to like her, so you swallow your pride and end this campaign of childish determination to hate a girl who did nothing to you. Or, you try too.
It doesn’t work so well.
She’s smart and funny and everyone likes her. She’s part of the group right away. She’s close with everyone because she’s personable and has at least one thing in common with everyone and slowly, slowly, you stop going to Topanga’s at all, and your seat becomes hers, and nobody notices too much that you’re gone at all.
-
Homecoming is coming up, and as you’re walking into class, you hear Chai ask Riley to go with her. Like, a date.
You stop walking entirely. For no reason. It’s fine. You’re not a kid anymore, you’re in high school, your legs get tired easier. Sometimes you need to rest.
Riley says yes.
You keep walking. Not towards class. Out the door. Even though the day just began. You leave and you walk and the leaves are starting to die, and the air is getting colder, but you’re still held captive under an unforgiving October sun so you bite your lip and keep your head down.
-
That’s it, you’ve finally snapped. What the hell is wrong with you? (The Principal happens to be wondering the same thing.)
Before class, you hear your name. You haven’t heard your name much in a while. It’s Chai, and tentatively, she calls you towards her. She asks you what color Riley’s wearing to homecoming.
You pause with your heart in your throat and just stare at her for a minute, and then, for reasons you can’t entirely explain, you punch her in the fucking face, and shove her against the locker, which is fucked up, and you know it, but you’re so angry, and it’s not fucking fair, and so you shove her even though she never did anything to you, and everything is hot and blurry and your heart will not stop beating no matter how much you will it to.
You’re suspended for a week.
-
Farkle visits you on Friday as you sit in your room, and he should be in school, but he’s not.
He tells you that you should close your windows, because it’s really cold in your room, and you just tell him to go away and leave you alone.
He looks at you, and it’s knowing and sad all at once, and you wish he would stop. He sighs and purses his lips and sits next to you. Putting a hand on your shoulder, he tells you that he’s sorry, and that’s all he says, and you think he knows more than you do, which shouldn’t be surprising, anyways, because you’ve never had life very figured out, anyways.
You tell him again to go away, but you’re already starting to cry a little bit, and you’re ashamed, but he tells you it’s okay and holds you until you fall asleep.
When you wake up it’s dark and he’s gone and you feel like crying again for some reason. You don’t.
-
On your first day back at school, Chai stops you in the halls.
You can’t look her in the eyes, but one of them is bruised and black. You want to hate her still, but you can’t, or, not very well, anyways. She makes Riley happy, and she never did anything to you, and you just hit her, and how fucked up is that?
You wonder if she’s going to hit you. Maybe you deserve it.
She doesn’t hit you. She just tells you that she’s sorry. And that you should ‘tell Riley.’ But she doesn’t tell you what to tell her.
You sort of want to hit her again, but instead you just walk away without a word.
-
It’s homecoming and you’re in your room, in the dark, and everything is inky and cold, but you don’t want to shut the windows, because it’s making you feel much better.
Riley calls you three times, and then you turn off your phone, because that feels a lot better than letting it ring and ring and ring in a dark room does.
Within twenty minutes of the last call before you turned off your phone, Riley ends up at your window, her hair falling out of her bun and her arms crossed.
“What’re you doing here?” You mumble with a dry throat as she climbs in through the window.
“We need to talk,” She says, and you scoff right to her face, because you two certainly haven’t been doing much talking since her new girlfriend or whatever came and replaced you.
She sighs and looks at you. “I’m serious.”
You tell her to go away, you’re tired.
“Why won’t you talk to me?” She says, and she’s angry and hurt and you think she’s almost going to cry, and fuck, you don’t know what to say, so you tell her again to go home and leave you alone, which is the opposite of what you want, really, but hell, you’ve never been so good at any of this, have you?
She starts to yell at you, and it’s fuzzy in your head, but you know everything she’s saying is right, and when she asks you why she’s not allowed to be happy, you don’t say anything, and when she says that this isn’t her fault, she wanted you and Chai to be friends, but you kept pushing both of them away, you don’t say anything, and when she says that you’re the reason why she’s alone on homecoming night and Chai is with someone else, you know that she’s right, so you choke out, while you look at the ground, “Go away.”
Your voice cracks and you wince but she storms out of your apartment, and you hear the door slam with a deafening crack as she does.
-
On Monday you tell your mom you’re sick, and she knows that you’re lying, but you think she also knows what you really mean, too, and so with a sigh and a stroke of your hair she lets you stay home and gives you a look that’s kind of tired and kind of sad and almost kind of hopeful, too.
All you learn from hours and hours on your own is that feelings are confusing and scary and hard to figure out, and when you call Farkle at three in the morning when it’s windy and raining and you won’t close the windows, all you say after sitting silent on the line for five minutes is, “nothing makes sense.”
Gentle and kind, he tells you that you probably need some rest.
You know that he’s probably right, and you also know that this bullshit wallowing is getting absolutely ridiculous, so with a sigh you hang up the phone and go the fuck to sleep.
-
Three weeks of avoiding eyes and not saying much, and two things happen. One being that it starts to snow, and the other being that Chai and Riley get back together again. You took too long, and you gave up your chance, and you’ve been biting your tongue, so that’s fine.
You walk for hours outside in the snow until your hands sting and your lungs are filled with frigid air and you’re light headed.
-
You’re not sure how long it takes you to realize how empty you feel without Riley, but you do know it’s on a cold night when you’re not wearing a coat, and it’s the loneliest you’ve felt in forever, so you swallow your pride and end up on her fire escape at something past two in the morning and it hurts.
She’s crying when she comes to the window, and you don’t think the sight of you helps very much.
She lets you in reluctantly, and without a word, you gather her in your arms like you’re not breaking, too, and you let her lean into you as you hold steady, and you stroke her hair until, between dry sobs, she explains that her and Chai broke up.
You hold her as she crumbles over the thought of losing someone else, and you swallow the thought that it should be you, and you hold her as she cries about the girl she loves until she falls asleep, and even then, when you are awake and alone in a dark room with her tears on your shirt and melting snow in your hair, you do not cry. (Even though you feel like crying.)
-
Slowly, (painfully slowly) things go back to normal. And by that, you mean that everyone gets used to pretending that a few months never happened.
And then, one day, miraculously, some kind of unspoken agreement- or, no, more of a sense, a feeling- you all go to Topanga’s after school. The six of you, like it was before.
You don’t trust that it’ll stay like this- life isn’t that kind- but for now? You’ll take it while you have it.
-
You wake up to rain one morning, and you’re a little scared, but there’s nothing you can do.
-
By the time Prom is coming up, it’s like nothing ever happened, so you’re especially surprised when you find yourself pounding on Riley’s window, all prepped and ready to ruin anything good and normal that it took you so long to salvage, and you’re cursing yourself for not having any self control by the time she opens the window and looks you in the eyes.
You stammer out five words before you can think anything through, and then, just in case you really needed to prove that you’re fucking stupid, you’re kissing her- clumsy and blind and what the fuck are you doing, and it’s all rushed and sudden but she’s kissing you back, too, and nothing makes sense, in a completely different way than when you called Farkle last winter, and for once, you don’t feel like the world is falling apart, and when you pull apart after the longest time with her lip gloss on your lips and her hands in your hair, she says, “That was a yes, by the way,” with a drunken giggle and gentle eyes.
-
She is the prettiest girl at Prom, and she says the same about you. You hold hands the whole night, and you slow dance to the fast songs and twirl around recklessly to the slow ones. You are a movie couple and you’d be disgusted if you weren’t so happy.
From the corner of the room, Chai gives you a thumbs up when Riley goes to get more punch, and then she loops arms with a girl you’ve never talked to, and you smile. Sometimes people are alright.
When the night is over except for the tired lingering ecstasy, you step out into the warm May air with her head on your shoulder, and you look up at the sky, and it’s beautiful and welcoming and kind for the first time in a while.