Full (Fire)house

They were picnicking in the park when Erin noticed that Holtz could not tear her eyes away from a few small children playing nearby. A young girl carefully held the hands of a chubby toddler who was attempting a few steps in the soft grass. Two pigtailed girls giggled with glee, pumping their legs until the swings threatened to go over the bar. Three boys chased each other around the swing set in a round of tag. Holtz smiled at the kids as she crunched on a few pizza flavored Pringles.

“Man, kids are the best,” Holtz commented. “How can those moms sit on their phones when their kids are having the time of their lives right in front of them? When we have kids, I’m going to play with them all the time.”

It had been almost a year since the wedding. It had certainly been a busy year. Erin and Abby had been approached by a publisher who wanted them to update and expand upon their book, so they’d spent the past year adding content, revising, and editing. Holtz and Patty had been the primary busters, discovering that there were some spectres left in the city after the vortex situation. They were few and far between and the women were trying to discern whether more were being created somehow or if a finite amount remained. Erin and Holtz had moved into Erin’s apartment but still slept at the firehouse regularly when they were too tired to call it a night. Holtzmann was trying to determine where she would focus her energy if they did run out of ghosts to trap.

“Do you want to have a kid, or be a kid? Because those are two very different things. And we can always, like, go to Disneyland or something if that would help.”

“I want kids. I mean, yeah, I am looking forward to doing fun things with our kids. But I know that having kids isn’t all fun and games.”

“Are you sure? When they’re yours, you can’t give them back.” Holtz’s nephew, Charlie, was almost one and Jillian could not get enough of the little guy. They’d offered to watch him for James and Kelly’s anniversary and it had gone so well that Holtz had suggested they make babysitting a regular thing. Erin was a little surprised to see how much of a natural Holtz was. Her erratic, somewhat dangerous behavior morphed into something more careful when Charlie was around, yet she still managed to make the little guy squeal with laughter more than anyone. Still, Erin knew that babysitting and parenting were completely different things.

“Erin, I’m the second oldest of seven kids. I helped out a lot. My sister Natalie’s first word was ‘mama’ and she was looking at me when she said it.” This was news to Erin. She knew that Holtz came from a big family but she hadn’t pictured her playing the role of mother to her younger siblings. “I know what I want. I’m ready. But you need to be ready too. So just give it some thought, ok?” JIll brushed a lock of hair behind Erin’s ear before leaning in to kiss her cheek.

“Ok. I’ll give it some thought.”

~~~

The truth was, Erin had been giving it some thought for a while already. And she kept coming up with reasons why bringing a child into their lives was a bad idea. First, there was the fact that she was likely to do more harm than good to a kid. Her parents not believing her had been even worse than seeing the ghost of her neighbor every night in her room. Before that, she’d felt like they would always be there for her, like she could trust them for support and comfort. The way things turned out left her feeling skeptical of people, questioning their motives and resisting relying on them in any way. She felt that most people would just end up disappointing her, so she’d spent a good portion of her life avoiding relationships. She feared that her own imperfections would wound a child in a way that would stay with them forever. She didn’t want to take that kind of risk.

Keeping with the elevator pact they made years ago, she decided to be honest with Jillian about her feelings.

“So, I’ve been thinking about the kids thing.” she said one night after they’d finished dinner.

“Oh yeah? And?”

“Well, I just...I don’t think I’m going to be a good mom. I’m afraid I’m going to screw up a kid beyond repair. It hurt so badly when my parents didn’t believe me. It ruined our relationship forever. What happened...made me resist getting into relationships with other people. For a long time.” Holtz listened quietly, nodding. She reached out and laced her fingers with Erin’s. “I just don’t want to be responsible for ruining someone’s life.”

“I get that,” her wife replied. “Being a parent is a huge job. Huge. Lifechanging. Scary. And what your parents did...well, it sucked. It was wrong. Of course that was hard for you. It would’ve been hard for anyone in your position.

“Thank you for understanding. I was afraid you wouldn’t.”

“I love you, Erin. I’m always going to do everything in my power to understand what you’re going through. I may not always get it. But I’m always going to try. I think you’d make an incredible mom someday. You’re smart, you’re caring, you’re purposeful. But if you’re not ready, you’re not ready. I’m not going to pressure you.” Jill squeezed her fingers and smiled, and although Erin thought it looked a little sad, she was relieved.

~~~

A few weeks later, Erin heard the sound of voices and followed them to find Holtz having a video chat with Kelly and baby Charlie. She planned to give her wife privacy until she heard her name.

“How’s it going with Erin and the whole kids thing? Got her convinced yet?” Kelly asked, bouncing Charlie on her knee.

“No. She’s...not ready. And I don’t want to pressure her. But part of me is worried.”

“What are you worried about?”

“Well, a lot of things honestly. It’s not like we can just get pregnant when we feel like it. Having a kid is going to require a lot of steps. Maybe some waiting. I’ve always assumed adoption is the route we’d go, and I’ve heard people can be on those lists for years. But on the other hand, if we try to...have our own? Well, we’re going to need a little outside help. And we’re getting...older. Erin’s 42, I’m going to be 33 soon. What if all our eggs dry up? What if we can’t get pregnant right away and then we’re those crazy old people having a baby in their 50s and getting mistaken for grandparents all the time?”

“Slow your roll, Jill. You’ve got time. You’re 32, not 102. People are having kids later these days. It’s totally normal. You’re both healthy. It shouldn’t be hard to get one of you pregnant. Or to adopt a child in need. There are older kids out there that need homes too.”

“You’re right. Thanks for listening. I just...well, I want to be somebody’s mama, you know? It sounds awesome.” Kelly nodded her understanding.

“I know, Jill. I know. Hang in there. You two will get it figured out.”

Erin stepped away from the door and felt a sinking pit in her stomach. She’d had no idea how much this meant to her wife, how much thought she’d put into parenthood already and how worried she was about it not happening. Erin thought maybe it was time to do some real soul searching.

~~~

“Hey, so Charlie’s birthday is next weekend and there’s going to be a Holtzmann family get together.”

“Sounds good. Lunch or dinner?”

“Well, Candace is coming in town.” Candace was only a couple years younger than Jillian, but they weren’t close. She was a zoologist studying penguins in the arctic, so she did not visit often. “My parents were thinking of having everyone come stay at their place for the weekend. Would you be up for that?”

Erin had never met Candace and had not spent a great deal of time with the other Holtzmanns. She had enjoyed meeting them and getting to know them more over the years. It made her a little nervous to spend a whole weekend surrounded by Holtzmanns, but she could tell it was important to Jillian.

“Absolutely. That sounds like a lot of fun.” Holtz hugged Erin tightly.

~~~

They arrived at the Holtzmann family home and were immediately enveloped into the fold. Friends and family filled the living room. Balloons, snacks and gifts were scattered on tables and Holtzmanns, chatting happily, filled the furniture. Erin was a little overwhelmed. She saw Kelly, Charlie balanced on her hip, and made her way to the sister-in-law she knew the best.

“Hey! I am so glad you guys came!” Kelly said, wrapping her free arm around Erin. “Jill said you’re going to stay the night?” Erin nodded. Kelly leaned closer, “I’m really glad you’re going to be here to navigate this swarm of Holtzmanns with me,” she said in a low voice. “I mean, technically, I’m one of them now, but I still feel a little bit like an outsider.” Erin understood that sentiment completely. The Holtzmanns were a warm, welcoming family, but Erin still felt like she might not be on the same wavelength that they were on. She was glad to have Kelly there to commiserate, or at the very least, to understand her perspective.

In the next moment, Jillian materialized at her side and reached out her arms for her nephew, who gladly went to her. Erin turned, smiling, and then did a double-take. Standing beside Jill was a woman who looked very similar and yet very different at the same time. She had the same curly blond hair as Jill but it was cut in a short bob. She wore jeans and a long-sleeved, solid blue t-shirt with simple running shoes. She reached out for Erin’s hand and smiled, showing that she too had inherited those glorious Holtzmann dimples.

“Hi, you must be Erin. I’m Candace.” Erin shook her hand, shocked into silence by her wife’s doppleganger. Kelly jumped in to fill the awkward silence Erin had inadvertently created.

“Erin’s been stunned into silence by the sudden knowledge that her wife has a clone,” Kelly laughed. “It’s ok, I had the exact same reaction!” Erin was grateful for Kelly’s words.

“Sorry! It is really nice to meet you! I didn’t realize how uncanny the resemblance would be. It’s...surprising.”

Jill and Candace shared a look.

“You think we look alike?” Jill said, shaking her head and looking at her sister for confirmation. “I just don’t see it, do you?” Candace shook her head as well.

~~~

After several hours, cake was cut, gifts were open and the guest of honor was taking a nap. Erin was exhausted. Being in large groups wore her out, but she wasn’t sure what to do to recharge. She stepped into the kitchen and found Mrs. Holtzmann making a cup of tea.

“Hi, dear. Would you like some tea?”

“Thanks, Renee. That sounds wonderful.” Erin took a seat at the bar and was pleased to find the quiet with her mother-in-law to be more comfortable than she had imagined. After she was done fixing the tea, Mrs. Holtzmann asked Erin if she’d like to join her on the patio. Erin was grateful for the chance to step away.

“Sometimes these family gatherings can be exhausting,” Renee said knowingly as she sipped her tea. “I love getting everyone together but boy do I enjoy my quiet too.”

“I’m glad I’m not the only one. It is great to see everyone but sometimes I feel like I need to recharge. I’ve talked so much today that I think I’m about out of words.” Renee laughed and nodded.

“I know we can be overwhelming when we get together. In fact, I’ve pretty much been in varying states of overwhelmed since about the time the twins were born. So, you know, just the past.23 years.” Jillian’s twin brothers, Mikey and Jared, were fun-loving and carefree. They lived in California and had a popular YouTube channel together. Erin had never met them but Jill spoke fondly of teaching them pranks when they were little.

“I can’t imagine having twins, that must have been hard.”

“It was. And then Natalie came barely a year later. We all had our hands full.”

“Jill told me she helped out a lot.”

“Oh, she did. She was an angel. So patient, so good with her brothers and sisters. She was jealous of Candace when she was born and kind of picked on her some, but she really stepped up when the twins were born. And Natalie too. I think Natalie thought she was her second mom.” Renee smiled, reminiscing on her childrens’ younger years. “They’ve always been close.”

“She sure seems to be good with kids. Charlie adores her.”

“He really does. She’s a natural.” Renee was quiet, not pressing, not asking questions. Erin appreciated that her mother-in-law didn’t pry. Before she knew it, she was blurting out her own concerns.

“I’m terrified I’ll be awful with kids. Jill’s going to be a great mom, when we get there. But I’m afraid I’ll just mess them up.” Erin confessed. Renee looked thoughtful.

“In some ways, you might. We’re all human. Every parent makes mistakes. But there’s an excellent saying Roger’s grandma told me around the time I found out I was pregnant with Natalie. She said you can’t take the blame for all of their failures and you can’t take the credit for all of their successes. That’s stuck with me all these years.” Renee smiled and looked into Erin’s eyes. “You’re a kind person, Erin. You’re thoughtful and you do all you can for the people you love. You’ll make a wonderful parent.” She squeezed her hand. “It’s normal to have doubts and be afraid. I was terrified when I found out I was pregnant with James.”

“Really? It’s hard to imagine you being scared!” Renee was a graceful, confident woman, in Erin’s eyes. She was calm and organized and Erin was impressed by her ability to wrangle her large family and orchestrate get-togethers without looking flustered.

“Oh, yes, I was. I’d never babysat before or really spent time with kids in general. I knew I wanted to be a mom, but I had no idea what I was doing. Thank God for Roger. He talked me down.” Holtz’s father, Roger, had been an elementary school principal for years before he retired to do research. He was goofy and bright and warm, just like his daughter. “Rog told me not to panic, he’d be with me every step of the way. And he was. He changed diapers and gave baths and walked the halls with crying babies. He laid down the law when teenagers got too big for their britches. He was -is- an amazing father.”

They continued to drink their tea and chat on the patio but something inside Erin shifted. She realized that whenever they did decide to take the plunge into parenthood, she wouldn’t be alone. She’d have Jillian, by her side, the whole way through.

~~~

Several weeks later, they celebrated their first anniversary. They were pretty busy at work and they decided to keep it low-key, opting for a movie night in the firehouse with their favorite take-out. Erin was grateful she could wear her pjs and lounge around rather than getting dressed up and going out. It had been an exhausting week of working on final touches of her and Abby’s book. After they were finished eating, Holtz paused the movie and sat up, taking Erin’s hands.

“I love you so much. This has been the most incredible year,” she said, smiling softly. “I have to admit...I didn’t know what to get your for our anniversary. We already went on an amazing trip. Got some cool jewelry. Flowers seemed too cliche. So, I decided to make you something practical, something you can actually use. Come with me.” Holtz led her up the stairs to her second floor lab. “Now close your eyes,” she said as she took Erin’s hands and led her to the wall where her old whiteboard was. She pulled a sheet down.

“Ta-da!” Holtz said, unveiling her creation. Erin wasn’t sure how to react. It looked like...her white board.

“Um, thank you?” she said, confused.

“Let me turn it on for you,” Holtz pushed a button and the board illuminated. “It’s a Smart Board. Well, a Smart Board that I hacked a little. With Benny’s help.” Benny was excellent with technology and he and Holtz had had some fun working on projects together before. Erin approached curiously.

“What does it do?”

“Well, you can write on it like normal and it will transfer your writing to the computer and save it. If you write neatly enough, it can convert your writing to text so you can edit it and eventually share it more easily.” She grinned. “I hope you like it! I hope it makes your work easier. I know you like writing by hand but you’ve done some genius work on the whiteboard that others need to know about.” Erin’s jaw dropped. She did prefer writing by hand, felt that it worked out a different part of her brain that typing did. But even when she typed out her results later, it was always disappointing having to erase her rough drafts, her solutions and ideas. She thought there was something beautiful about the process by which she arrived at her answers and it was a shame to wipe them away.

“Jill...it’s perfect. Thank you, so much. I can’t wait to try it out!” Erin was amazed by her creation. She hugged her wife, who squeezed her tightly then handed her a stylus.

“Give it a whirl! You can change the color of the writing by clicking the buttons on the side. It’ll take some time to get the hang of it, but it’ll be fun.

“Honestly, this is going to completely change the way I do my work. It’s going to save me so much time,” she said and she scribbled on the board.” Holtz showed her how to save her files and convert the writing to text documents. “This is incredible. You’re incredible.” She leaned in and kissed Jillian, first gently, but then deeper. It was the kind of kiss that was leading somewhere. Erin only hoped her gift would be as well received.

~~~

“I think I’m ready,” Erin said quietly. They were lying in bed a while later, undressed and sleepy.

“Ready to go again?” Holtz asked, turning onto her side and leaning in to kiss Erin.

Erin smiled. “Well, maybe, but that’s not what I was talking about. I meant that I think I’m ready...to talk about kids.” Holtzmann sat up, suddenly fully awake.

“Really?” Erin noted that her wife’s eyes were bright and a smile had begun to form at the corners of her mouth.

“Really.”

“Wow.” She shook her head, surprised. “That’s great!”

“Yeah?” Erin smiled shyly, pleased that she had caught Jillian off guard.

“Of course! God, this is so exciting. I can’t believe it. Ok, so, let’s talk about it!”

“Let’s talk. For starters, I have a question.” Erin had been thinking about this a lot, especially since her conversation with Holtz’s mother. She’d done a little research on her own but figured she might as well ask her wife.

“Sure,” Jillian said, taking Erin’s hands in her own. She had not stopped grinning since the conversation began. “What is it?”

“How do...well. How do we...How do gay people go about obtaining children?” Jill shook her head and stuck out her tongue. When she spoke her reply, she punched Erin on the shoulder gently.

“We get them from H&M, Erin. Everyone knows that.” They dissolved into fits of laughter.

“Well, if that’s the case,” Erin said a few moments later, wiping her eyes. “Let’s go shopping.”