Unlawfully Wed

Alex clenched his fists and went into the bathroom, willing himself to stop shaking as he shut the door behind him. Panicking wasn’t going to do him any good, especially when he was trying to hide how much George’s letter was affecting him. The tears were still pressing against the backs of his eyes, and his throat felt like it had been coated with sandpaper as he tried to swallow.

Alex forced himself to clear his throat as he made his way over to the sink. He turned on the water and leaned forward, splashing some of the cool liquid on his burning cheeks before using his hands to scoop some of it into his mouth. He drank a few handfuls, the trembling turning into shivering as he spilled some of the water onto his shirt.

Alex let out a breath and grabbed his hand towel off the rack. He used it to try and soak up some of the water off his shirt. He rubbed it against the worst of the spot before tossing it to the side, deciding that his nerves were too frazzled for him to really care. He turned around and leaned against the counter, pressing the small of his back into the marble. He relished in the way that it dug into his muscles, feeling almost like a massage if he rocked his hips the right way.

Before Alex could properly work out the kinks in his lower back, he heard a knocking at the door. He closed his eyes and forced himself to cut off the low whine that had begun to escape from the back of his throat. When the door knob jiggled, however, his eyes shot wide open. He knew he had locked the door, but it was still worrisome that one of his friends could burst in and see him like this.

“Alex?” It was John. “You’ve been gone an awfully long time. Are you okay?”

Alex closed his eyes again and took a deep breath. He quickly turned to splash more cold water against his eyes to get rid of any lingering tears or red marks, and squeezed his hands into fits to try and make the trembling stop for good. It didn’t work as well as he had hoped, but it at least gave him an extra moment to compose himself. He didn’t want to worry John, but taking too long to answer the door could potentially worry him more than looking like shit did. When John knocked a second time, Alex was quick to act, leaning forward to flip the lock into the “open” position. It made a loud, echoing click sound that reverberated off the bare bathroom walls.

Alex barely had time to reposition himself back against the counter when John pushed the door halfway open and came in, shutting the wood quietly behind him before moving to lean against the counter next to Alex. He crossed his arms over his stomach, moving his right hand just enough to gently probe the side of Alex’s arm with his fingertips.

“You okay?” John asked after a moment, biting the bullet and shifting his fingers to more fully grasp Alex’s arm in his hand.

Alex stayed quiet for a minute before shrugging. He let out a choked laugh. “Honestly? I’m not sure.” He kept his arm in John’s grasp for a few seconds before pulling away and taking a step to the side. “I want to say that I’m not bothered by it, that it’s just a letter, but—I’m freaking out.”

“Do you want me to ask the guys to go?”

“No, it’s been so long since we had a movie night—”

“Alex, they’ll understand. They were here for you when George left, they’ll be here for you regardless of if you read that stupid letter or not, okay? So, I’ll repeat my question—do you want to be alone?”

Alex crossed his arms tighter and thought about it. Did he want to be by himself to be free to mope however he needed to? Not really, but he wasn’t so sure he was in the mood to entertain company. If the letter had never been brought up, maybe, but with Hercules and Gil knowing how much he was hurting over this, how much his heart was still broken from all those years ago? That didn’t sound like something he wanted to do, either.

Fortunately, it seemed that Alex didn’t have to voice his final thoughts. John, always following the role of best friend, nodded and gave Alex a tight smile before leaving the bathroom and shutting the door.

Once John’s footsteps had stopped echoing down the hallway, Alex’s shoulders slumped in defeat. He should have at least asked John to stay.

Alex bit his lips and gave himself one final hug before opening the door, shutting the light off, and stepping into the hallway. However, rather than making a left and going into the living room to see his friends out, he made a right and went up the stairs to his bedroom. He pulled his sweatpants off and bunched them up into a ball, barely even pausing before tossing them into a corner of the room. Normally, he was rather meticulous with his dirty laundry (a habit George had managed to instill in him when they were living together, actually), but today he was too out of sorts to care.

He undid his blankets and crawled under the covers, pulling his fuzzy garnet-colored blanket up to his neck and nuzzling into it. He held his head slightly above the pillow as he listened to his friends pack up and leave, their grumbling not lost to him as their voices carried like whispers up the stairs and down the hall. He closed his eyes as the door closed, trying to will himself to fall asleep.

Before Alex could do more than try and settle his thoughts, however, he was startled by the sound of knocking on the doorway of his bedroom. He shot up and pulled the blanket tightly around himself as a mock-shield and looked at the intruder, his heart pounding and his breaths coming out in gasps as he struggled to see the intruder in the dark (the boys must have turned off the hall and lower level lights when they left).

The silhouette held up their hands defensively in front of their chest. “It’s just me, Alex. Hercules and Gil are gone but I wanted to stay in case you needed me.” John lowered his hands before reaching into his back pocket and holding something rectangular up in his hand. “I got the letter out of your briefcase. I hope you don’t mind.”

Alex reached over to the nightstand and turned the lamp on. “I suppose it doesn’t matter either way now that you’ve gotten it.” He scooted back so that his back was pressed against the headboard before patting the spot next to him. “Come here. If I’m going to open this thing, you might as well be here for moral support.”

John nodded and did as he was asked, taking a moment to take off his button-down shirt and his jeans before joining Alex on the bed, letting out a shiver as the chilly air hit the skin not covered by his boxers or his undershirt. He pulled the covers over his lap and leaned back, hesitating for a moment before flipping the letter in his hand and holding it out to Alex.

Alex shook his head and pushed John’s hand away. “I don’t know if I stand to read it. Can you read it to me?”

John nodded and brought the letter back down to his lap. He stuck his finger under the flap and dragged it across the seam, flinching as the dry skin of his finger got stuck on a jagged piece of the envelope. He tossed it over the bed and onto the floor once he got the letter out, taking a minute to unfold the multiple pieces of paper before beginning to read. “It’s dated a month ago. ‘My dearest Alexander’,” he cleared his throat, “‘If you’re reading this, it means that something has happened to me, and I am already long gone. Now, before you panic—no, I am not dead, nor am I hurt, or injured. If that was the case, I promise you that you would be receiving a very different letter. No, if you are reading this, it seems the most likely that I am rotting away in a jail cell.’”

Alex couldn’t help it; when George said he was “gone,” the first thing he did think was that he was dead. Alex had done everything he could not to keep up with George’s life, but occasionally things slipped through the cracks. He knew that George reenlisted, getting sent to Iraq and only serving half his term. He had heard from Eliza (who had a cousin in the Army who, coincidentally, served under George in Baghdad) that George had lost his left leg to a stray bullet and had been honorably discharged. He had heard that George had gotten married, and that he was raising a teenaged stepson. But a jail cell?

Alex heard a lot, no matter how hard he had tried not to listen. He had heard nothing about George going to jail. He tuned back in to what John was reading.

“‘Before I begin to explain why I have contacted you, I wish to convey to you my deepest apologies for the way that things went. I know that things ended poorly between us. I also know that that is entirely my fault.” He paused, his eyes skimming over the page for a moment before continuing. “‘Alex, I hope you know how much I loved and adored you. Being your lover was the happiest years of my life. Even now, married and a father, I have to admit that I am less satisfied with my life now than I was when I was with you. If we had met at a different time, in a different life, I would have been honored to have been your husband. If I am being honest, I longed for that. Spending the rest of my life waking up next to you? That would have been a dream come true.’”

Alex’s heart was breaking. Going through George’s rejection was tough the first time, but he had thought that he was numb to those feelings of pain and dismissal. It felt like he was breathing through a straw, and he felt four sizes too big for his skin. He resisted the urge to dig his nails into his arms, to rip his skin and make the buzzing feeling in his veins escape through the slits. He couldn’t hold back the tears any longer, and the fell over his cheeks in salty streams. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around his shins, resting his chin on his knees.

John kept going. “‘Do you remember that weekend that we took off to Mount Vernon with Eliza and the kids and we spent that week snowed in at my grandfather’s log cabin? We were so’—Alex, we don’t have to keep reading this.” He cut off abruptly when he noticed Alex’s tears, his eyes softening and the corners of his lips turning down. He moved his arm as if he was going to pull Alex close to him, but Alex pushed him away, his skin growing even more taut.

Alex wiped away his tears (ignoring the fact that he was still crying) before waving his hand at the letter. “Keep reading. Please.”

John sucked his lips into a tight line and nodded. “All right.” He pulled his legs up and mirrored Alex’s position. He straightened the paper and held it in front of him, squinting his eyes as he tried to figure out where he left off.

“‘We were all so happy together. Eliza spent her days in the hot tub with a book, Phillip and Angelica played in the woods, and you and I . . . we kissed under the stars and whispered promises to one another as I held you close.’”

The memory burned in Alex’s mind. He knew exactly what trip George was talking about. It had been the place where Alex had decided that he was going to propose to George. It was one of his best and worst memories; best, because he had never felt more loved and in love than he had then, and worst for the same reason. He wished George hadn’t brought it up.

Alas, he had. “‘That weekend was the happiest in my life. Even now, terrified about what’s to come, it’s what I think about when I am lying in bed. It’s what I dream about. It’s what I use to keep myself calm. As much as I loathe to admit it, I still need you, Alex. I am sure it pains you to hear it, and I apologize for hurting you again.’

‘On that note, Alex, I have a favor to ask.’” Alex’s stomach dropped. “‘I have kept up with all of your accomplishments since I left. I have newspaper clippings of every case you have won since our breakup. I have seen the website for the firm John and you started. I know you have become an amazing lawyer, Alex, and an even more amazing man. Myself, however, I have struggled. I have done things against my values, I have lied, and I have hurt people. I know where my fault stands.’

‘What landed me in prison, however, that’s not my fault. Speak to other lawyers, if you’d like; I was arrested for a crime I did not commit only a short way away from the city. There is, however, no other lawyer who I trust as fully as I trust you. I have not yet been falsely convicted; I have six months until my trial. If you do not wish to take my case, I will understand, but Alex, at least come see me again. Please. All my love, George’.” John stared at the letter for a moment before lowering his hand down to his lap.

Alex could hear John ask him something, but all of his blood rushed to his head with such a roar the moment John finished the letter that it completely overpowered everything else. George being in jail he could take (it hurt his heart, but he could accept it), but for him to ask Alex to be the lawyer that set him free? All romantic bias aside, George and he had not spoken in more than a half a decade. Alex used to know George better than some lawyer off the street, but now? They were total strangers to one another. Besides, what was he going to do if Alex didn’t show up? Was he just going to pray that some flashy lawyer would show up to save the day?

Just the thought made Alex’s stomach boil.

“Alex?”

Alex startled when he felt a hand on his knee. He came back to the present and looked at John, stray tears that were stuck on his lower lashes slightly blurring his vision. He rubbed his eyes and refocused, sniffing twice to try and rain the rest of his emotions in. “Yes?” he choked out, his voice shaking and his lower lip quivering.

John stared at him for a moment before sighing and holding his arm out. Alex immediately got the memo and moved over, wrapping his arms around John’s torso and burying his face into his chest. He breathed in deeply, using the smell of John’s woody cologne to ground him and keep him from traveling too far into his own head.

The men sat in silence for several minutes, Alex continuing just to breathe and John alternating between rubbing Alex’s shoulder and playing with his hair. He pulled the ponytail holder off and slid it around Alex’s wrist, using his fingers to separate the strands. He moved up the strands and used the tips of his nails to massage Alex’s scalp before kissing his forehead. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Alex shook his head. “Not really.”

John nodded, and silence overtook the room again. Alex closed his eyes and listened to John’s heartbeat. It was loud in his ear, but it still wasn’t enough to block out the debate in his head. He wanted to see George again, God knows he did, but the prospect was more than slightly terrifying. Could he really go through all that pain again? Just seeing photographic images of George’s face made him cringe and die a little more on the inside,

On the other hand, maybe seeing George again was exactly what Alex needed. He hadn’t been home when George had packed up his things and left; hell, he didn’t even know for sure that George was leaving until he got home and saw the empty dresser drawers and side of the closet. Maybe seeing George would give him the closure he needed to move on, and they could work on being friends again. They had been friends before they became boyfriends, and their friendship was the strongest part of their relationship.

Maybe that’s what Alex was missing the most. George had been his very best friend (other than John, of course), the one he talked to about everything from his innermost feelings to the awful stench coming from the planter’s wart on his left heel. They had all sorts of new experiences together, had done things that Alex never would have done if he had been by himself. It was what made Alex into the man he was. He had helped Phillip and Angelica through some hard times, and now that the twins were teenagers, maybe he could continue to help them.

Alex would never regret loving George, but the more arguments he made in favor of seeing George again, the more he was regretting letting John open that letter.

He wasn’t sure what he was getting himself in to, but he was sure that it wasn’t going to be easy.