Finding Miwa

        Authors Note: Hello, so I’ve been gone forever and a half—for which I apologize! Writing is hard at the best of times, even more so when fandom-mood shifts and suddenly you can’t even imagine writing about lesbians/bisexuals in a cartoon show about teenage mutant ninja turtles and doing the story justice; which is why I’ve been gone for so long. This story is important. I know it isn’t very popular, but I don’t care. I really don’t. This story is important to me, and I hope that it would mean something to someone who’s gone through this same stuff, or is going through it.

I’m not disabled, but I know disabled representation is seriously lacking; and since I’m not among that group of people, time, and research, and effort is my main focus and concern. I want this done right!

So again, sorry for the wait, but I hope you understand, and I hope that the wait proves worth it in the end.

Chapter 6

                The following weeks were a challenge, but Karai’s spirits were bolstered by April’s reappearance in her life. She could do this, she could! She was certain of it now! Not only did she have the support of her family—her amazing father, and her brothers—but of the girl who’d stolen her heart quite unexpectedly. Sure, things were bad, but they were getting better. Sure she’d broken her back, and suffered through surgery—and yes, admittedly still suffered through nightmares—but that was okay, because she had April. She had her father. She had her brothers. Her family had her back—so to speak, and it helped her through the hard days. And there were a lot of hard days.

                Physical therapy never seemed to get easier, and always left Karai in tears, breathing strained and spirits less than high. But even so, she did show improvement. She could sit in the swing for thirty minutes now, and her breathing was strong; all marked improvements that she couldn’t ignore, and would happily confess later to her father or the turtles.

                “Do the doctor’s know when you can come home?” Leo inquired as he organized her little table of ‘get well soon’ gifts. Mikey made her a new card every week, and Karai insisted that all of them be saved; whoever visited would switch the old out for the new, and take the old back home to store it till Karai returned herself.

                “Not definitively. They’re hoping by the end of the month they’ll have a date. They want to see if they can’t improve my therapy results by a bit more before they get me ready to leave.” She said as she watched Leo. “H-how, how are refits going at home?” She asked curiously, a touch of nervousness beneath her voice. But if Leo heard it he didn’t comment, just finished organizing her table before turning to sit beside her on the chair.

                “Good, really good. Donnie and Raph have got six ramps built, taken out some railings that would be in the way.” He offered her a reassuring smile—despite his own anxieties. “We’re even getting you a real bedroom.”

                “Oh?” She gave him a slightly surprised look, brow rising. How were they managing that? She’d seen the lair; there really wasn’t room for another bedroom. But Leo just grinned at her and waved away her questioning look.

                “You’ll see. It’ll make for a nice surprise.”

                “Oh, okay.” She looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t wait to go home.” She sighed.

---

                When Leo returned to the lair after his late night visit to see Karai, his mood was somber. The television was still on, but it seemed everyone but Raph had gone to sleep. The shorter turtle glanced over the back of the sofa as Leo entered, and took immediate note of his mood.

                “So, how’s Karai?” He inquired. Leo sighed; tucking away the old ‘Get well soon’ card into the drawer with the others—a drawer full of had drawn Mikey cards. He closed the drawer with a sharp snap of wood on wood, and turned to cross towards Raph. Leo hopped over the back of the sofa, and plopped down on the cushion beside Raph with a sigh.

                “Okay I guess. But I’m worried. From what I can tell, she’s not showing much improvement in therapy.”

                “What? I thought she was doing great, staying in that weird swing thing for thirty minutes, and her breathings a lot better, she hardly wheezes anymore.”

                “Yeah, I know.” Leo shook his head, leaning it against the back of the sofa. “But, that’s what she told you two weeks ago, and that’s what she told me tonight.” Another long sigh, and he rubbed a hand over his face, God he was tired. “Raph,” he looked at his brother, worry in his blue eyes, “What if… what if Karai doesn’t get any better? What if this is it! What if…”

                “Hey,” Raph gripped his shoulder firmly, giving him a bracing shake, “if that’s the way it is,” he took a deep breath, glancing away a second before fixing his green gaze firmly back on the other, “then that’s the way it is.” He gave Leo’s shoulder a squeeze before releasing him. “And, if that’s the way it is, we’ll deal with it. We’re her family, so we’re going to be there for her. Right?”

                “Right.” Leo agreed with a small smile and smaller nod. Raph gave him a punch—considerably lighter than was the shorter turtles usual custom—and stood up.

                “Right.” He said with a hard nod, and hopped over the back of the sofa, and headed for his bedroom. “Get some sleep Leonardo.”

Leo watched him go, his small smile widening.

                “Night Raph.” He sighed, still feeling the anxiety of the situation, but also feeling a little warmer at Raph’s words.

---

                Karai’s mood was low when April joined her for lunch—though the red head wasn’t entirely surprised, Karai was always somber after her therapy. Karai had given her a happy enough smile when she’d arrived, and was obviously glad that she was there, but April could tell that there was something bothering the girl, something just beneath the surface.

April didn’t push however; it was better for Karai to open up when she wanted to—needed to—rather than being forced to. So instead, April set out the food across the small tray table that Karai had, and talked animatedly.

She told Karai about her school days, and the school work that was giving her trouble, or the teacher that was driving her up the wall. She talked about things that didn’t really matter, just to fill the space and quiet between them.

                Karai listened. She always listened to April’s stories, even if they were really about nothing. She listened and watched April as she set out their food; she watched the way the girl moved, and how precise she was, and the way a few stray strands of hair fell into her face—and was oddly struck with how pretty April was.

                “April,” she glanced away when the girl looked up at her, but then returned her gaze to the other girl’s face, “what if I don’t get any better?” She asked in a small voice. April blinked, and her lips parted to reply—of course you’ll get better—but she didn’t manage; Karai might not get better. “The therapy isn’t really… going anywhere.” Karai continued, looking away again. “I’m trying, really hard; I’m pouring all of my energy into it, but… I still can only last in the swing seat for a half hour. And even when I beg them to leave me in longer, they won’t, because by that point I’m such a sobbing mess it would be… I don’t know, unethical to leave me in it.” She sighed, tilting her head against the pillow. She sniffed, and her eyes brimmed with tears. She blinked—a few tears escaping—and turned a frightened look to April. “What if I’m stuck like this for the rest of my life?”

April reached one hand up to hold Karai’s shoulder—knowing she could at least feel that a little—the other gripping karai’s hand.

                “If you are, then I’m going to be right here by your side.” She stated, her tone firm, even despite her voice being a touch wobbly, tears burning the backs of her own eyes as she looked at the girl in the bed. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m going to be right here, by your side, no matter what.”

                “Thanks.” Karai sniffed again, the tears escaping on their own accord now, her brow wrinkling. “I’m scared April.”

                “I know.” April hugged her. “I know, but no matter what, we’ll make it okay. We’ll get through this, I’ll help you.”

                Once Karai calmed down, April settled beside her, and helped her eat their shared lunch; Karai was getting better at eating more solid foods, but she had to take her time; chew slow, chew carefully, swallow little tiny bits at a time, make sure it was all down before taking a breath—and then more food.

April was ever watchful when she ate with Karai—always mildly afraid that the girl would choke on her food—but was grateful that, that hadn’t happened yet while they enjoyed their lunches together.

                After they finished eating, April cleared away the leftover food, tucking it away in her bag, before pulling out a comb and working to brush through Karai’s hair. She enjoyed the dry course texture, and took her time.

                “Your hair is getting so long, I can hardly believe it.” She mused with a small smile, taming the longer locks. “I’m really liking it; it makes you look so soft,” she chuckled, “not that you’re not soft.”

                “Shut up O’Neil.” Karai laughed weakly as the girl combed her hair. “I haven’t had long hair since I was a little girl.” She said quietly, enjoying the attention—the pampering. “I think the last time I had long hair I was just turning seven-years-old.” She could remember that time a little, vague memories, flashes like photographs in her mind’s eye. “I remember crying when my hair was cut; I hated it at first, because I always liked my long hair—I thought it made me look pretty, like a flower—but it was an inconvenience. Dangerous.” She tilted her head to look up at April. “Shredder told me it would hinder me in combat—to an extent he was correct—but I think he just didn’t want me to look too much like my mom.”

                “He was a coward.” April stated firmly, though her expression remained neutral, soft. “Was probably afraid someone would recognize you. Realize who you really were.” She tucked Karai’s hair behind her ears, and rested her hand on her shoulder with a small smile. “I think you’re pretty regardless of the length of your hair. But if you do decide to keep it long, I’ll help you style it. I’ll even do some online research to learn new styles and techniques.”

                “That would be nice.” Karai agreed, with a small smile of her own.

---

                “But do you think she’ll like this color?”

                “What does it matter Mikey, it’s just temporary.” Raph sighed as Mikey sorted through material swatches. Donnie, having gotten irritated with Mikey hovering around while he worked on some delicate details in Karai’s room, had sent the younger turtle to busy himself with décor detail. Mikey of course was more than happy to put his mind towards the décor.

                “Of course it matters Raph! This is going to be some of the first things she sees when she first get’s home from the hospital man! We want it to be welcoming!” Mikey insisted frowning at Raph, who was less than helpful. “We want it to make her happy!”

                “Don’t you think she’ll just be happy to have… y’know, a room?” Raph asked, arms crossed across his chest, and giving his shoulder a slight shrug. Mikey groaned and glared at him.

                Meanwhile, Donnie was busy working on installing easy access and mobility lines throughout the room; he wanted Karai to have as easy a time getting around on her own as possible. The ramps were a given, but then it had occurred to him that she’d need an easy way to get from her bed—or other area of her room—to the bathroom. That’s when he’d decided that there would have to be tracks in the ceiling for a portable swing of some sort, something that she could easily use.

Of course then there was having to account for her paralysis. What if she never got back the use of her hands?

Donnie had spent hours surfing the web, researching paralysis and the different ways it could affect a person; all of the articles and true stories had left him feeling mildly woozy at how so many people were forced to live their lives.

                “It’s sad Master Splinter, so, so sad, but also, I mean, you wouldn’t believe the ways that some of these people manage! You’d never think about it normally, but they work, like, ten times as hard to get through a day as any able bodied person ever would have to.” Donnie sighed and shook his head in amazement; he was sitting with Splinter in the dojo, holding a cold soda while Splinter sipped at his tea. “And the stigma, oh man,” he pressed his free hand to his head in utter disbelief, “I cannot believe how insensitive and… well cruel and thoughtless so many people can be! And they don’t even always mean to! It’s such a complicated and at times convoluted thing—and yet—it’s not!” He looked at Splinter eyes wide. “I mean, so many issues could be properly dealt with, or, or, or, misunderstandings avoided if open communication was just…there y’know?”

                “People on the whole, react poorly to the things that they do not understand.” Splinter said with a slight shake of his own head. “It is uncomfortable to see someone who is impaired in today’s society. We have been conditioned to uphold the working form—the able body—above all else, and deem anything, or anyone that does not function at a certain level of pique effectiveness as… wrong.”

                “But  w h y  Master Splinter?” Donnie groaned, that dull ache in his chest again; he’d been feeling it on and off ever since he’d started this project in Karai’s room. He wasn’t sure exactly what it was, pity, anxiety, he hated to think that it was guilt—but he was almost sure it probably was, at least on some level. “Why are human’s so mean to each other? I mean, I know survival of the fittest has become the mantra of the last handful of centuries but… it just feels so… wrong.”

Splinter set his teacup down and gently placed a hand on the tall slender turtles shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze.

                “Somewhere along the line—due to the spread and rise of colonialism—the human race lost something very precious.”

                “What’s that Master Splinter?”

                “It’s connection with our ancestral instincts, and the ways of old. Human’s weren’t always so cruel to those weaker. Once upon a time, humans cared for their sick, their young, their elderly, with equal attention and devotion, and never viewed them as burdens.”

                “Wish humans would do that now. Then people like Karai might actually get the help they need.” Donnie sighed, looking down at the soda in his hands, and wondering if things would ever be the same again.

---

                Karai sat alone in her room, watching the clouds pass by her window. She could hear the sounds of voices from the hall—nurses and patients, visiting families—as well as sounds from the street below. Car horns and the low roar of pedestrians as they meandered their way through their individual lives. Her room was silent, save for the heart monitor.

 Therapy had gone as expected, leaving her eyes red rimmed and glassy; she’d refused the morphine, not liking how dependent she was becoming while on it. She requested to be given a less potent painkiller, something over the counter, something less likely to grow addicted to. That’s all she needed, a damn drug addiction on top of everything else. Though, given her condition, she was pretty sure she could convince almost any of the turtles to steal for her if need be; they were all so eager to be helpful.

                After her session, and once she’d calmed down a little, she’d had a long conversation with her doctor and physical therapist. She wasn’t showing any more signs of improvement. They insisted that this didn’t detract from what progress she had made, and that it was still very impressive, but they were coming to the conclusion that she was unlikely to improve much more beyond where she was now. She’d fought this conclusion of course—out of sheer stubbornness and unwillingness to believe that she could potentially be stuck like this for the rest of her life.

When she’d stopped arguing with the doctors, she realized that they likely knew better than she did; that wasn’t to say they entirely had her best interest at heart, but they knew what was going on inside her body better than she did. Maybe she was going to be stuck like this for the rest of her life.

The thought should have made her cry, but she didn’t. Not yet anyway. She was sure the tears would come, but for now, she just felt mildly numb.

                So there she sat; watching the clouds. Part of her still wasn’t convinced that this was it for her. She’d prove the doctors wrong. By herself if she had to. Maybe  t h e y  just couldn’t help her. But maybe Donnie could, or her father, surely this wasn’t it for her. She’d get better. Maybe she wouldn’t walk again, but she’d get better than this.

---

                April was ecstatic, over the moon, the happiest she’d been in what felt like ages. That couldn’t quite be said for the rest of the sewer lairs inhabitants.

                “A week? A week!” Donnie was clawing at his head and gaping at April who nodded, unable to wipe the smile off of her face. “I can’t get the lair ready in A WEEK!” he shrieked looking exasperated and abused, arms falling to dangle limply at his sides.

                “Sure we can!” Mikey cheered, though there was a nervous glint in his eyes. “Can’t we?”

                “No! NO we can’t Mikey!” Donnie snapped turning on the younger turtle. “I still haven’t finished the electronic ceiling pathways in her room! I only JUST got the toilet working. You’d think it would be easier to hook up a toilet—specialty needs or not—in a sewer, but it’s not. It’s NOT!”

April managed stifle her giggle, and placed a gentle hand on the lean turtles shell, drawing his attention.

                “I know you’ll do your best Donnie.” She assured, managing to coax a small smile from him.

                “There’s just… so much to do. I mean…” His brow furrowed slightly and his gaze flicked away. “I mean, after what you said… she… she’s going to require a lot of attention.”

April took a deep breath, her heart pounding a little faster.

                “Yeah. She is. But every little bit helps Donnie.”

                Karai would be returning home in a weeks time; the doctors had been helping her learn to work a power chair, steering with a blow straw—something Karai hated—but she was getting the hang of it. The chair was bulkier than the average wheelchair of course, but given Karai’s small build, it wasn’t as large or bulky as some of the other models.

The last time April had been at the hospital, she’d measured the chair so that Donnie could work it’s configuration into his plans—something he was grateful for.

He’d almost immediately dropped his internal remodeling and gotten to work on some external retrofitting.

                “Look, she’s going to need to be able to g e t down here. The sewers aren’t exactly wheelchair accessible.” He’d stated leading his brothers, April, and Casey through the old abandoned tunnels. “We’re going to need to set up ramps, or pulleys, or s o m e t h i n g that will help her get from the surface to down here.”

It was complicated, and it took all of their efforts, but they figured out a plan, Donnie wrote up the blue prints, and then promptly got to work. 

                They worked the hardest and longest on a lift system so that Karai could be lowered safely down into the sewers from the surface; of course then there were all of the ramps they’d need so she could actually g e t to the lair. It was a lot of work, but between the six of them they managed to get it all done before Karai was due to be home.

                Donnie still wasn’t happy with the interior remodeling. There were a lot of places in the lair that Karai wouldn’t be able to access yet, and would leave her pretty limited. It frustrated him to no end, but eventually Raph and Leo sat him down to try and get through to him.

                “Look, we know you care man, it shows, it really, really does!” Raph said, gripping the taller turtles shoulder firmly. “But you’re going to run yourself into the dirt if you keep going full tilt like this man!”

                “Raph’s right. You need to take time to relax Donnie. You’ve done an amazing job so far with the lair.”

                “Yeah! And Karai’s going to appreciate that!” Raph interjected. Donnie shook his head slightly, looking utterly exhausted.

                “But she’ll be so limited here. She won’t be able to get up to the dojo, or back towards our rooms…”

                “Donnie,” Leo gripped his other shoulder, “you’ve given her so much more mobility than she would have had even just a week ago. You’ve given her a room all to herself, a bathroom she won’t have to struggle to get to. She’ll be able to get to the living room, the kitchen. You’ve done an amazing job, but you have to take care of yourself to.”

                “Yeah, listen to Leo. Take a break, catch a nap. Relax!”

Donnie sighed and deflated slightly under his brother’s gazes. He really was exhausted. He’d been spending every waking moment working on improving the lair so Karai would have a semi functioning home to return to. He hadn’t even stopped long enough to congratulate himself on getting so much of it done in such a short period of time.

                “Maybe you’re right…”

                “We are right.” Leo insisted, releasing the other turtles shoulder and offering him a small smile. “Now please, go get some rest. Karai’s coming home in a few days, and you don’t want to look like the walking dead when she arrives do you?”

                “Yeah, cause let’s face it! You look like hell.” Raph agreed with a smile of his own, making Donnie laugh weakly.

                “Thanks guys. You’re the best.” He turned and stifled a yawn, moving towards the hall and towards his room. God it would feel good to collapse on his bed and pass out for the next eighteen hours.

                Once Donnie was gone, Leo let out a puff of relief and glanced at Raph who looked just as relieved.

                “I thought he would have put up a bigger fight.”

                “He’s exhausted; I’m surprised he made it through that conversation to be quite frank.” Raph said crossing his arms over his chest and giving a shrug with his muscular shoulder.

                “Do you think this will all work out?” Leo inquired, brow wrinkling slightly in concern, eyes roaming over the ramps around the lair. Raph shook his head and gave another shrug.

                “I don’t know. I hope so.”

---

                “You h a v e got to be kidding me!”

                “No, I’m not!” Donnie said as he walked around the contraption hanging from the ceiling, clipboard in hand. He had a sweatband around his head and several pens and pencils tucked into it; it had been hard at work since dawn. Raph scowled and crossed his arms.

                “No way.” He shook his head firmly, causing the taller turtle to let out an exasperated huff and slap his clipboard against his thigh and look at the other turtle.

                “C’mon Raph! I need to test the lift and make sure that it’s going to work! I don’t want Karai to get home and try and use it and then something goes wrong!” That would be… disastrous, and potentially awkward.  Raphael gave another fast hard shake of his head, brow furrowing firmly.

                “No way, I’m not doing it!” He said firmly. Leo was standing beside him and snickered quietly behind his hand, though Donnie didn’t fail to note that their leader in blue didn’t volunteer to help him out either.

                “Do you want Kari to get hurt, or to be caught up in an awkward position and require rescuing?” Donnie huffed irritated by his brother’s lack of apparent enthusiasm. Karai was due back tomorrow, and Donnie wanted to be sure that her ceiling lift would be fully functional.   

                “No but—”

                “I’LL DO IT!” Mikey said loudly, jumping past Raph and Leo and approaching the metal and electronic seat swing. He bounced excitedly waiting for permission to get it. Donnie hesitated a moment, but they did need to test it.

                “Okay…” He stepped up. “I’m just testing out the weight, and movement, and making sure that the electrics are all in order. So go ahead and just climb in.” He would actually work with Karai about getting into it herself and what not when she was there. They might need to work on a schedule or something to help her in and out. Or maybe he could set it up so it was like, p a r t of her bed so she wouldn’t even NEED to worry about it while she was in her room. But later; for now…

                Mikey happily climbed into the swing seat and settled his weight. Donnie carefully checked that he was settled right before he pressed the button to move the swing along the track in the ceiling. It jerked.

                “Wow, haha.” Mikey held the sides a little nervous by still excited. The swing moved slowly along the track from the middle of the room towards the bed.

                “Good, good… okay good…” Donnie said, following along carefully, circling MIkey and the swing and jotting down notes. He glanced up and down along the line. The swing jerked again. “Uh wait…” Another jerk.

                “Donnie?”

                “Um…”

                The Swing suddenly jerked quickly along the line towards the bed, Mikey swaying in its hold with a grunt before it zipped along the line and around the room.

                “AH! WAIT, no no no that’s not supposed to happen!” Donnie said looking over his notes.

                “Donnie stop it!” Leo said quickly stepping up to the taller turtle. Raph couldn’t help but laugh as Mikey cried and yelled as the swing jerked and moved quickly along the ceiling lines.

                “Mikey press the button on the side, the button, THE BUTTON!” Donnie cried, chasing after the swing, trying to grab hold of it. Meanwhile, Mikey tried pressing the button, but nothing happened, only a few sparks flying from the top of the line. Before Donnie could catch the swing it swung over the toilet that he had installed for Karai, jerked to a stop and collapsed, dumping Mikey into the toilet with a wet splash.

                “I think it could use some more work Don.” Raph said as Donnie and Leo ran over to help MIkey out of the toilet and get out of the swing. Donnie shot a glare over his shoulder at Raphael. Admittedly the weight thing probably had s o m e t h i n g to do with it, since Mikey weighed considerably more that she did. Well, at least now he knew he had some kinks to work out.