“Did Ash call you?” Kyle asked.
His sister had led her team to the Spirit’s first playoff win and after signing autographs, and taking what seemed like endless selfies with fans, the siblings were finally on their way home to Ali’s apartment.
Ali turned her radio down and pretended she hadn’t heard him. “What?” She asked in an attempt to stall.
“Have you talked to Ashlyn yet?” Kyle asked again.
The couple hadn’t exactly had what you might would call a fight, but there was some tension between them. The owner of the Spirit had pulled Ali aside 2 days before the semifinal and requested that Ashlyn not attend the game. Their relationship was no secret to the club, but with all of the backlash from a previous game that occurred when he chose to avoid giving Megan Rapinoe and opportunity to kneel during the anthem, he felt that Ashlyn might be a distraction. His words to Ali were, “I trust you will choose to do what’s best for the team.”
Ali wasn’t happy about the request, but she knew that whatever she did going forward would either hurt Ash or prove the Spirit’s homophobic owner right simply because she would be worried about Ashlyn during the game. Her phone call to her girlfriend, who missed her desperately and was looking forward to spending a few days with her, did not go over well. In fact, Ashlyn hung up on her and didn’t return any of her follow up calls and messages.
“She left a message on my voicemail right after the game while I was signing autographs.” Ali answered quietly. She knew that if her voice had any more volume to it that Kyle would be able to hear the hurt she was trying to conceal. Ashlyn knew that Ali wouldn’t be able to pick up when she called. Ash chose to leave a message instead of talk to her in person.
Kyle asked, “What’d she say? How’d she sound?”
Ali released an exhausted sigh and answered, “Kyle, can we talk about something else. I’m trying to celebrate and I really don’t have the energy for much more right now.”
Kyle didn’t think that Ash would say anything negative at a time like this. Ash may have been upset, but she was also Ali’s #1 fan and supporter.
“Al, I’m just trying to understand. Did she say something that hurt you?”
Ali loudly exhaled as she answered, “No. She didn’t say anything that hurt me. She congratulated me and said she was proud of me and that I earned it.”
“Soooo...” Kyle said, drawing out the word. “You’re upset because...why?”
Ali shook her head. Why couldn’t her brother just drop it?
She answered, “She sounded terrible.” Ali felt a burden of guilt rest upon her chest. “I feel like I let her down. I put the team before her. I let a bully dictate our relationship...”
Ali was frustrated with herself and she absolutely hated that a night that should have been filled with celebration, was darkened by the shadow of her guilt.
Once the siblings had arrived at Ali’s apartment, she called Ash. She closed her eyes and prayed that the goalkeeper would pick up.
“Hello?” Ash said timidly.
“Hey.” Ali said in a volume just above a whisper. She cleared her throat and walked to the bedroom to get some privacy. “I’m so glad you answered. Thank you for your sweet message.”
Ashlyn’s message was short, but her words were sincere. It meant a lot to Ali that she had called in spite of the circumstances.
Ashlyn stayed quiet on her end of the line. It wasn’t because she was trying to be difficult or stubborn. It was because she didn’t know what to say.
“I’m sorry.” Ali said. “You know I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to handle this. There’s so much stress right now. No matter what we did, it would have been bad.”
Ashlyn still didn’t have a response.
Ali felt uncomfortable. She felt like she needed to fill the awkward space between them with conversation, but like Ash, she didn’t know what to say.
If they would’ve counted they would have gotten to 20 full seconds of silence, which doesn’t sound like much, but in reality...especially between 2 people who never had a problem with keeping a conversation going...it felt like forever.
“Well...” Ash finally said. “I just wanted to say congratulations. I’ll let you go.”
Ali’s heart sunk. That couldn’t be it. Their conversation couldn’t end like that.
“Ashlyn, please...” Ali begged. “I know it’s not fair. I know you deserve better.”
“I’m tired of coming in second, Alex. Maybe that’s selfish...” Ash replied. “Maybe I’m being too sensitive. Maybe I’m not a strong person and have too many issues...” Ash sighed sadly. “Whatever my problem is. I’m just so tired of not mattering.”
Ali wished that she had told Ashlyn to come to DC and go to the game. All she wanted now was to hold her.
Ali tried her best to hold back tears. “Baby, there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s just a crappy thing and I handled it wrong.”
Ashlyn had had a rough week. The situation with Ali was the icing on the cake. It was the final blow that finally caused her to crack.
“I’ll fly out to see you in the morning.” Ali said. “I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
Ashlyn closed her eyes and took in 2 slow, calming breaths before answering. “No. You need to stay with your team. Besides Kyle is there. You shouldn’t leave while he’s there.”
“But I want to be with you.” Ali whispered. Now she felt more guilt pile on. This time it was for entertaining the thought of letting her brother down by leaving early.
Ali felt like she couldn’t win.
“Honey, I don’t know what to do.” Ali sobbed. “I don’t know how to fix this.”
Ashlyn hated hearing Ali cry. She suddenly didn’t feel so concerned about herself anymore. “Alex, it’s okay.” She shook her head and corrected herself. “It will be okay. It’s hard now, but the season is almost over. I’ll stay away. You should follow this through. Don’t worry about me.”
Ali felt like she didn’t deserve the small amount of grace her girlfriend was giving her. She whispered gently, “I don’t want you to stay away.”
“We both know that it’s better for me to stay away. Even right now, I shouldn’t have put this on you. You need to focus on your goal.” Ash replied. “It’s just been a really hard week.” Ashlyn ran her fingers through her short hair and added, “It’s not your fault.”
Ali knew all about the bullying her girlfriend had been receiving online. It had become a regular occurrence for both of them, but Ash always seemed to get the most of it. It seemed like every time Ashlyn would turn around someone was sending personal hate or questioning their relationship.
The couple was stronger than ever and moving towards settling down and starting a family together, but the onslaught of intrusive gossip and flat out slander was taking it’s toll on the goalkeeper. Ashlyn always felt it was important to be honest and real. She knew that people needed to know that they weren’t alone in their struggles. Ash wanted to be an example of both weakness and strength to those who, like her, felt the grip of depression and worthlessness. Unfortunately, her vulnerability opened her up to even more cruelty.
In a perfect world, Ali would have been able to come to Ashlyn’s defense and give the bullies what they deserved. But in the world they were living in, any attempt on Ali’s part to make things right online would only make things worse.
Ashlyn hadn’t intended to make the evening about her. “Hey...” Ash said, trying to sound upbeat. “How about that goal?”
Ali’s lips curled upward.
Ash continued. “You know what they say, dontcha?”
“What do they say?” Ali asked, knowing that her girlfriend was trying to make her smile.
Ashlyn answered, “The only thing better than a goal scored by a defender...” Ashlyn smiled and asked, “You know what they say?”
“Stop.” Ali laughed. “Just stop.” She was certain her girlfriend was going to make a sex joke.
Ashlyn giggled and asked, “You know what’s better than a defender goal, right?”
Ali’s cheeks turned red as she said, “Yeah, I think I do.”
“A goalkeeper’s goal.” Ash answered.
Ash caught Ali off guard. Ali laughed and said, “I really thought you were gonna say sex.”
“Well, that’s pretty good too.” Ash agreed.
The women both smiled and waited for the other to speak. Ashlyn was out of ideas of how to keep things on a positive note, so she decided it was time to go.
“Babe, I love you...and I’m really proud of you.” Ashlyn said. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Have fun with Kyle, okay?”
Ali knew, just like her girlfriend, that this was as good as it was going to get for now. She followed Ashlyn’s lead and said, “Love you, too. I’ll call you before I go to bed to say goodnight. Thank you for calling.”
“Of course.” Ash said. “Hey Ali...” Ashlyn added hesitantly.
“Yeah...”
“I’m really happy for you.”
...
The next day, Ali and Kyle had breakfast with their Dad. After breakfast, Ali gave Kyle and Luna a goodbye hug and kiss before they left for their home in New York. Ali looked at her phone and saw that Ashlyn would be busy getting ready for a camp she was hosting so she didn’t bother to call her. She busied herself with washing the few dishes that were left in the sink from the late night snack her and her brother had shared the night before. She started a load of laundry. She looked for anything she could find to take her mind off of her girlfriend and their talk the night before.
Ashlyn was hurting and questioned her place on Ali’s list of priorities. The goal scoring defender had a lot of short term goals. One of those goals was to win the NWSL championship for her home team. But she also had a list of long term, life-time goals...and Ashlyn was at the top of that list.
Ash had been through a lot that year. Disappointment and frustration seemed to follow her around. It was hard work for her to stay positive through it all. Ashlyn’s popularity continued to grow and with it came great support and great criticism. For every negative comment, Ash had 100 positive ones, but the human brain has a way of focusing on the bad more than the good...especially Ashlyn’s human brain.
Ali found her way into the bedroom the two had shared every day for 3 years before Ash moved to Orlando to play for the Pride. She sat on the side of the bed that Ashlyn claimed as her own. Ali brought Ash’s pillow to her face and breathed in. She could barely smell her girlfriend’s scent. It had faded from Ashlyn’s absence.
Ali missed her girlfriend's presence.
...
Ali checked her phone nervously. Ashlyn’s camp had just ended and she worried that she would miss her. She checked her phone again hoping that somehow time wasn’t moving as fast as she felt it was. Alas, the minutes continued to tick as Ali continued to stress out.
Meanwhile, Ash was signing autographs and showing off her dance moves to some of the children she had just finished coaching. She posed for pictures and taught the kids a special camp handshake that she had made up just for them. Once the children had left, Ash helped the staff clean up. She carried a bag of balls and stack of cones toward the sideline. It was then that she saw her.
Ali smiled slightly as tears welled up in her eyes. Ashlyn slowly approached her, worried that any sudden moves would cause her girlfriend to break down. Ash dropped the cones and bag and let her fingers graze Ali’s waist.
“What are you doing here?” Ash asked. “You’re supposed to be in DC. You have practice in the morning.”
A tear fell from one of Ali’s eyes when she answered, “I missed you.”
Ashlyn let out a huff of air and nodded in agreement. “Me, too.”
“Ash, I love you more than anything else in my life. You’re more important to me than the playoffs...and I care more about you than what anyone thinks.” Ali said. Her heart was bursting. She couldn’t hold it in.
“I know all of that.” Ash replied. “I feel bad that you felt you needed to come here to tell me that. I shouldn’t have made you feel bad.”
Ali shrugged and replied, “It wasn’t you. I felt bad about the whole situation. It’s not fair to you...and I’m really sorry.”
Ashlyn pulled Ali into a hug and said, “I just feel bad about you coming out here.” She laughed before saying, “Especially since I was planning on surprising you.”
“What?” Ali asked. She lightly pushed Ash away so she could see her face.
Ashlyn smiled shyly and answered, “I was gonna leave right after this. I know what I said before about staying away, but I had to see you.”
“I know the feeling.” Ali replied.
After Ashlyn finished up with the staff, the couple rushed to the airport. Ashlyn had already checked out of her hotel room and had her bag ready for a quick exit. The women bought Ali a ticket for the flight that Ash had planned to leave on and made their way home.
The first stop was their bedroom. After a passionate reunion, Ashlyn felt Ali’s fingers playing with the short strands of her hair.
“What do ya think of the new do?” Ash asked.
The haircut was a big change and she was still having a difficult time getting used to it herself. She wondered what her girlfriend thought. It was such a drastic difference from her long blonde hair. She thought maybe Ali didn’t find her attractive anymore.
Ali twirled the dark hair around her finger and said, “It’s different.”
“Yeah...” Ashlyn sighed. She thought for sure Ali hated it.
Ash was about to tell Ali how her hair made her feel when the defender said, “Now you’re my hot non-blonde bombshell.” Kyle used to refer to Ash as Ali’s hot blonde bombshell.
Ali added, “It feels a lot healthier. It’s so soft. I could touch it forever.”
“Really?” Ashlyn asked. She had heard a lot of criticism about the shorter hair.
“It’s really messy right now.” Ali added, thinking out loud as she thought about how it got that way. “It’s sexy.”
Ashlyn smirked, revealing Ali’s favorite dimple.
Ali’s eyes wandered down Ashlyn’s naked body. She tugged on her short locks and said, “You’re more beautiful to me now than ever.”
Ashlyn met Ali’s lips with a long, hard, passionate kiss that she finished with several quick pecks and said, “I’ve missed you so much.”
“I know the feeling.” Ali said with a sigh. “It won’t always be like this.”
“I know.” Ash replied. “I can’t wait for the day when things are normal. I can’t wait to be able to roll over every single day and see you lying next me...snoring.”
“I don’t snore!” Ali objected.
Ashlyn laughed and argued, “Yeah, you really do.”
“You’re ruining the moment.” Ali said as she playfully bit Ashlyn’s shoulder.
Ash got serious and said, “You’re all my moments.”
Ali felt the shift of emotion and held her breath. Ashlyn often had that effect on her. They would be joking around and having a typical day when all of a sudden the depth of emotion that Ash had within her would well up. Ali had to remind herself to breathe. She knew something important was coming.
Ashlyn did the opposite of what her girlfriend expected.
She pulled away from her.
“Ash...” Ali said in desperation. She reached for the former blonde as she left the bed and walked toward the door. She wanted to call out to her and tell her to come back, but Ali was distracted by the naked backside of her toned girlfriend. Once Ashlyn had rounded the corner of the doorway and was out of sight Ali mumbled, “God, she’s beautiful.”
Ashlyn returned, looking out of breath. Her bare skin was covered in goosebumps and her cheeks were rose colored.
“Are you getting out of shape?” Ali joked. “I know you’re season’s over, but that’s no reason to let yourself go.”
Ali thought she was hilarious.
Ashlyn, on the other hand was sweating profusely. Ali was usually the sweater in the relationship.
“Are you okay?” Ali asked. She put her hand on Ash’s forehead to check for a fever. Suddenly her girlfriend was acting very strange.
“There’s a reason I came here.” Ashlyn answered. She was trying to slow down her nervous breathing, which made her light headed from the lack of oxygen she was getting to her brain. Ash nervously added, “I mean...before you came to me...I was um...um...uh...planning to...uh...”
“Ashlyn, I’m starting to worry. Are you feeling okay?” Ali interrupted. She stroked the keeper’s face and then squeezed her shoulder for support.
“I’ve been really unsure of a lot things lately.” Ash confessed. “But the one thing I’m sure about is you and me.”
Ali smiled and nodded in agreement. “I feel the same way.”
“I was going to wait until our vacation.” Ash said. “I know you have a lot on your mind.”
Ali narrowed her eyes in confusion and asked, “Wait?”
Ali hadn’t noticed where Ashlyn’s hands had been during their conversation. She had both arms behind her back. She bought her hands forward and revealed what she had been hiding since she had re-entered the bedroom.
“I was going to do it on a beach, during sunset.” Ash said. Suddenly her mind was completely clear. Her breaths were slow and steady. Her nerves had turned into a calm confidence. She was nothing but completely sure about this moment.
Ash continued, “This last week has been really hard. With everything that happened, I thought that maybe I was losing you.”
“You could never lose me.” Ali vowed.
Ashlyn replied, “I know.” She gripped the small box in her hand hard and said, “I finally get that. I feel it in my bones....I feel you in my bones.” Ashlyn opened the box and revealed the ring that Ali had been waiting for.
Ash knelt down and said, “My worst day with you, is better than my best day without you. I don’t ever want to go a day without knowing that we’re in this together. This whole crazy, sometimes crushing, life together.”
Ali nodded yes before the question was asked.
“Alex, will you marry me?”
Ali lunged forward, accidentally knocking the box holding the ring out of Ashlyn’s hand. She wrapped her girlfriend up in a tight hug and said, “Yes! Of course, yes!”
A kiss and some happy tears followed.
After the couple had gathered their emotions, Ashlyn said, “There’s still some unfinished business.”
Ali chuckled, “Oh yeah? What’s that?” She expected Ash to make a joke about sealing the deal with a passionate session of love making. She was shocked when she realized that she had forgotten something during the proposal.
Ali’s fiance smiled and said, “Before you tackled me I was hoping to give you a ring.”
“I can’t believe I missed that kind of important detail.” Ali said. She stuck her left hand out and said, “Get it done.”
Ashlyn found the box on the floor, removed the ring and carefully slid it onto Ali’s ring finger. She kissed her before taking her in her arms and lifting her up. She gently laid Ali down on their bed and said, “I say we seal this deal in the right way.”
And just like that, Ali’s prediction came true. Ashlyn made a joke about making love again to complete the proposal. But it didn’t feel like a joke.
It didn’t feel funny at all...it felt perfect.