Like clockwork, every first Saturday of October, Carmilla Karnstein went missing with no explanation. Never for too long though. She was always back at Laura’s side at the end of the night to tug her close and drift off to sleepland. And Laura tried to be respectful, but this was Laura freaking Hollis here, and an inquisitive nature was in her blood.
Laura woke up the soft rustling of Carmilla trying to untangle herself from her sleepy girlfriend without stirring her. The loss of warmth that Carmilla’s arms around her provided was instantly missed, but Laura kept her eyes shut anyways, humoring her love’s attempts to be considerate.
She cracked open one eye and saw that the sun way just coming up, illuminating their bedroom in soft oranges and yellows. Carmilla silently dressed herself before leaning over Laura’s “sleeping” form and dropping a light kiss against her hairline.
She mumbled a gravely I love you into Laura hair before walking out the door. As soon as the door clicked shut, Laura sprung out of bed, rushing to the closet. She threw on warm clothes and crammed her head into a dark beanie before rushing out the door, eyes darting around to find her broody vampire.
A mass of curly black hair was spotted not too far ahead, weaving through the crowd with her hands tucked into her pockets. Laura kept her distance, but always had sight of Carmilla. She followed her a few miles, out of the hustle of the city to a more silent neighborhood.
“Where are you going Carmilla…” Laura mumbled to herself.
Her heart was racing when Carmilla’s destination intention became clear and the cold gates of the Styrian Cemetery came into view. Who was she visiting? Mattie was alive again, the Dean’s old body was long gone, and Will’s body had been accounted for. Laura stood behind a rather large tree as she watched.
Carmilla stopped in front of a rather old looking headstone, the name long worn off. She didn’t spend much time though before she pulled a large stack of envelopes out of her satchel. She quickly sifted through the papers and found the one she wanted. She stared at the envelope for a moment and set it on the top of the grave gently. She paused slightly, and Laura could see her mouth moving but wasn’t close enough to hear her.
But Carmilla moved on, and Laura’s confusion deepened when she stopped 6 grave sites over to another ancient headstone and repeated the process.
Stop, envelope, mumble, pause, move on.
Like a well oiled machine, Carmilla repeated this over and over an hour. Laura felt chilled and she clung to the rough bark of the tree, watching silently until her girlfriend was out of sight, further into the depths of the graveyard.
Slowly, Laura left her station at the tree and approached the first grave Carmilla stopped at. She ran her fingers lightly over the weathered stone, trying and failing to make sense of the unclear words that used to mark its surface.
She turned her attention to the envelope. The paper was ivory and thick, the type that you didn’t buy at your local office supply store but had to order special for an old source. The paper felt heavy in her hands, but it had nothing to do with its weight and more with the content inside.
Laura slipped the letter out of the envelope and marveled at Carmilla’s flawless script that flowed across the single page. It read:
My Dear Evelyn,
My unheard apologies cannot begin to cover the amount of shame I feel in my chest. I want to see your face again to beg your forgiveness for my deception that led to your ruin. I remember you vividly, that night back in 1742 when I lured you into a false sense of wooing romance and…the rest is history. Please forgive me for what I have done to you. I pray that when the time comes I inevitably meet my end that you can find it in your heart to understand the forces over me and state I was in to do such a thing to you.
The puppeteer of the whole act is rotting if that brings any sort of comfort to you. She met her end and I did it for you. I did it for myself, for the love of my life, and I did it for you and every one else I have wronged on this earth in my long long centuries of afterlife.
Please understand that I was not decent for the world back then. I was not good for you, or for myself, or for anyone really. I beg you to understand that I have changed and things are different. I was worthless and selfishness for self preservation possessed my soul, leaving me nothing more than a monster.
Though that is no excuse. You deserved better, my sweet Evelyn.
Love,
Carmilla
Laura was startled when a drop of moisture fell from the tip of her nose onto the sheet in her shaking hands. She gently put the letting back in the envelope and all but ran to the next letter a few feet over, and the one after that.
“Dear Anna…”
“Sweet Elizabeth…”
“Dearest Lydia…”
Laura’s eyes darted over the words as her throat grew tight and the bottom of her stomach collapsed. Dates of Carmilla’s past flew through her brain as she read letter after letter. 1742, 1893, 1846, 1916. Each letter different and intimate, apologies of crushing magnitude weighing down every thick paper on every grave.
Carmilla was writing apologies to her victims every year and Laura ached for her partner’s grief that still plagued her. She suffered with her as she wracked her brain for a way to soothe the hurt of murders committed that she’d never relate to.
“Laura.” Carmilla’s surprised voice came from behind her. Laura placed the current letter in her hands delicately on the stone, as if it were made of glass, before turning to Carmilla. Both girl’s eyes were wet with tears and Laura cautiously stepped towards the girl. This girl who looked 18 and broken, not the 300 something year old vampire she had spent the last few years of her life loving. But she loved this girl even more.
She got a hairs breath away from Carmilla, their jackets touching and stared up at her, unable to form the words lumped in her throat. It wasn’t long before Carmilla collapsed into her body, her thin frame shaking slightly with quiet sobs and she buried her face in the honey colored hair she loved.
Laura bit her lip to prevent her cries from coming out and gently rubbed her hands up and down the back of the damaged girl in her arms. But even through the tears and soft whimpers, she knew it was going to be okay.