Chapter 7
I don’t ever want lose this melody, this beautiful, unwavering melody. The melody I share with one person and no one else. I’ve tried to make that melody with others it’s just not the same, it has to be the melody me and her make. The melody, the harmony, everything, it needs to be made with the hands of mine and Umi’s…a composer and her lyricist. Well technically not mine, everyone’s lyricist…but that doesn’t stop me from wanting her all to myself.
I look towards her when we are in that music room and I wonder if she ever looks towards me. She catches me a few times and asks me if anything is wrong or if I need anything, I long to say yes there is something wrong or there is something I need, but I don’t want to burden her with unnecessary things…she has enough on her plate and if anyone else understands that the most it would be you.
“I wish I was in their place” is something I would think to myself as I would watch Honoka and Kotori smoother Umi in affection, something I knew very well that you can’t do. I wished for Umi to speak to me with the warmth in her voice that she does with them but I only met her this year that would be impossible and foolish. I flush as our eyes meet and she waves, I of course look away with a huff and walk away….I don’t want her to catch on.
One day I catch her staring off into space while we are in the music room. I call her name…she doesn’t reply. I repeat her name multiple times, I love the feel of it rolling off my tongue “Umi” but no matter how much I love it she doesn’t respond. I get up from my seat at the piano and walk over to her lightly waving my hand over her face just for her not to react again. I go to say her name just for her to open her mouth and speak, she mutters one thing that I wish I didn’t hear…someone’s name. I can’t handle this tight feeling in my chest, I feel like I might just fall apart. I walk slowly back to the piano, I go to press my fingers against the keys when I notice how my hands are shaking, I bit my lip and press the keys. I don’t look up but I know this shocked Umi out of her trance, I play the keys with ease that someone with long time experience could do, it turns into a sad melody a sad melody I made because of her…because I wanted to feel special to her…the one person I can make a beautiful, unwavering melody with. When I play the final note she claps and I look up at her and feel like I might pass out, those golden brownish eyes lock with my purple eyes. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, we stare at each other for a small bit of time before I feel like it might be too long and look away at the keys on the piano…we don’t say a single word to each other for the time being.
I should have expected Nozomi to be the first to find out she always is, she confronts me after school during practice while I are watching Umi. “You should tell her” She tells me...I deny my feelings for her but Nozomi smiles at me and I can’t help but tell her everything. I tell her that I’m over her and that Nozomi doesn’t need to concern herself. I flinch as I feel Nozomi’s arms wrap around me and pull me against her “Don’t lie…it’s okay, Maki” She whispers in my ear. I hate when she gets all motherly “No one can get over someone that fast, I can tell by the way you look at her you still lov-“ I cut her off by tell her she’s wrong and I don’t understand her, my face feels hot like I could cry. Nozomi let’s go of me before grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door, we leave practice and don’t come back to it. Nozomi helps me forget for the time being.
When I go home later that day after spending most of it with Nozomi, I’m greeted by seeing my mom and dad acting strange when I question it they said I had a visitor. I knew this most likely wasn’t Hanayo this time, when I round the corner I am greeted to the sight of the person I didn’t want to see sitting there drinking tea. I can feel my body wanting to shut down, my movements became slower, my heart was pounding, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe but I managed to get out the name I loved oh so much “Umi?” It comes out in a question even though I could tell it’s her. When she looks up I can feel a shiver run through my body, I want to go over to her and hug her, kiss her, but I won’t and never will. We head to my room so we discuss privately.
When we get to my room she looks upset “Is everything oka-“ She cuts me off by closing my door and grabbing my hands, I can’t help but flush “Why did you and Nozomi leave practice? That isn’t very like the bother of you” she asked with a very worried tone. I’m almost speechless but I force the words out “I was having some troubles and Nozomi was helping me with them” I say but when I look into her eyes she looks skeptical. “Is that really true? Where did you guys go? What did you do?” Umi asks so many questions that it’s hard for me to answer but I’m getting a bit annoyed and defensive “Mine and Nozomi’s reasons for leaving are none of your concern” I say even though it’s your right to know because you are the reason I left. “Also where we went and what we did isn’t something you need to know either” I say but I hate myself more with each word, I don’t want to look at her but I do also I see is pain and sadness…pain and sadness I just caused.
She goes to pull her hands away but I squeeze them not wanting to give up the warmth of her hands. “I’m sorry” I choke out as I look away letting a small tear fall from my face. I look down and watch as Umi pulls one of her hands away and moves it towards my face and wipes my tear. My heart begins to pound and so does my head making for a horrible melody but a nice one that she has caused. “No I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have tried to get you to tell me” Umi said as she caressed my face before gently pulling it up so I would look at her. I search her eyes for answers but I can’t find any, I remember Nozomi’s words “You should tell her” and I do just that....I tell her. She looks shocked for a moment as she took in the information that she had just learned. I watched as her eyes went through many emotions and her lips curved down to make a small pout. She pulls me into a hug and I start to get my hopes up but then all my hopes come crashing to the ground “I’m sorry, Maki…I can’t return your feelings…let’s stay friends okay?” I knew deep down I would get those words but when I pulled away to look at her all I saw was pity.
In the end I lost that melody, the melody I sought. I thought maybe our melodies could intertwine and become beautiful…it turns out though we don’t have that sort of thing. We don’t make a melody together anymore, it’s just I whom makes it…or maybe that’s how it was from the beginning and I was just seeing it as I wished. We were able to stay friends, we had to, for the sake of muse…what would they do without their composer and lyricist right? I think even if it wasn’t for the sake of muse we would still stay friends…it would take me a while but I would be able to go back to normal, because how I was before wasn’t normal. I want to love myself….I want to learn how to love someone else…maybe picking someone you have to write songs with isn’t such a great idea. Falling in love with Umi was just another step I needed to take to find my melody and I am finding my own beautiful, unwavering melody each step I take in muse and I think that’s really all I wanted…a melody that I was able to make not only with myself or one other person but with all nine of us.