Aurora

You believe there’s something else

To relieve your emptiness

Before Abby, Holtz was alone. She floated from job to job, project to project. Anything to keep herself busy, employed, and preoccupied. And most importantly, distracted.

It was not a secret that Holtz struggled with depression. She’d seen people about it, tried different medications and treatments. Eventually she just accepted it and learned to live with it. Some days were better than others, and Holtz figured if she just kept putting herself out there, people might eventually notice and let her in. Then maybe she’d be happy. Maybe she’d find a place she belonged.

For as long as she could remember, there was never a place that felt like home, and it was lonely.

The academics were boring and stuffy, and Holtzmann never met anyone who could challenge her enough. More than that, she hated the dance they’d get caught up in. She hated how everyone always seemed to be in competition with each other, or with deadlines, while feigning pleasantries to their colleagues. Congratulating each other on their research grants or their successful findings in one breath, then slamming each other behind turned backs in the next.

It was exhausting, and honestly? She couldn’t be bothered.

Social interactions weren’t any better. At the bars she’d frequent there were so many people, it was a little overwhelming. She’d make herself go out. Alone of course, but every once and awhile Holtz would find herself interacting with a group or two at a time.

It was hard trying to fit in. She’d always be scrambling to learn names and personalities, wondering what people thought of her really. She always struggled with the idea of taking people at their word.

The people she had met always had questions about her; where she came from, what she did for work, how she got to where she was.

Her speech was well rehearsed. Frequently adjusted to be as vague as possible, while satisfying some arbitrary amount of disclosure to meet ridiculous social constructs.

She never quite figured out that allusive equation to balance what she needed to say, and what she wanted to say.

Building things was an escape, she heard herself supply countless times. That always lead to more questions. There were only many times she’d share her tragic story- her father left, and her mother died. It was clichéd and boring and she got sick of hearing it.

She tried saying nothing at all. That mostly lead to negative outcomes. Then she tried making stories up, which was a lot more fun, but it also meant more questions. Which meant more lies.

To avoid all that nonsense, she started going to louder places. Environments better arranged for less conversation and more dancing.

Loud and muffled from music, she’d talk up some cute girl and sometimes she got to go home with her. It never lasted long. Holtz kind of liked it that way. Being some anonymous hook-up from a dark bar was a great way be close to someone without the gamble of getting to know them.

When Holtz was older the spaces between her outings became fewer and far between. She lost interest, and it was always so much easier to disappear into her work. Sometimes she’d forget to eat or sleep, but it was okay; she never had to think about how lonely she was while burried elbows deep in quadratic equations.

The time came when even the commissioned work she’d pick-up became tiresome and repetitive, and Holtz could feel an all too familiar darkness closing in around her.

Life in transit was no longer enough. She felt suffocated by her space, and searched for a foothold.

“Do you believe in ghosts?”

“I want to believe.”

The scientist’s face lit up, Dr. Yates , she thinks it was, “Great answer.”

When she found Abby, she felt challenged again. Intrigued. Present. Grounded.

Holtzmann would build machines that didn’t exist yet. She’d work off equations that were untested and mysterious, yet flawless. To her surprise she always got results. She felt as if she could breath again.

It was wonderful and difficult and new; she had a purpose.

Friendship came later. It came unexpected, but so wonderfully welcome. It came with a hug late one Saturday night when it was just her and Abby in the lab at the Institute. It came in the form of a prototype PKE meter lighting up for the first time, and spinning lazy circles in Abby’s grip.

“Yes! Finally! Holtzmann you’re the best!” Abby let the machine clatter to the workbench and launched herself at the engineer for a hug.

Holtzmann let herself be pulled into the crushing embrace, hands hung stupidly at her side, too astonished to move.

She felt a lump form in her throat and swallowed hard around it. “Aw, it was nothing.” Abby loosened her grip, and took a step back, beaming.

“It’s not nothing, Holtz. You really came through for me. You don’t know how much that means to me.”

Holtz paused, terrified to say the phrase that lingered in her mind. A confirmation, a proposition, an offering. “That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Not only friends doctor, partners .”

The brunette held her hand to Holtz without a second thought. It was the engineer’s turn to lunge into an embrace, hoping that with her chin resting on Abby’s shoulder, her face buried in Abby’s hair, that her new (only) friend didn’t notice the tears that slipped out from behind yellow-tinted goggles.

You dream about yourself

You bleed and breathe the air

This wasn’t what Holtmann had imagined her life to be. It was so much better.

When she was down, she pictured being alone in her lab or in her apartment’s loft when a great darkness overtook her. It would swallow her into oblivion leaving nothing but her work to be remembered by.

It was upsetting, but it seemed like the most likely outcome. As much as she wanted to, she could rarely see an end beyond that.

Until that moment.

It was the day she had finally finished moving into the firehouse. She had a job she loved, a space she got to share with people she cared about, and she had friends.

Her back ached, she arms were sore, but her heart was full.

Collapsed on a double mattress placed directly on the floor of the cluttered mess that would eventually become her bedroom, Holtz felt a smile creep over her face. She was happy.

She was about to surrender to sleep, when a tentative knock rang softly through the stillness.

“Come in!” She answered brightly. Erin Gilbert peeked into her room with a messy bun, a plain white t-shirt, and boyfriend cut jeans. Holtz felt a very new, very warm sensation stir in the pit of her stomach, which she pointedly ignored.

Then she noticed that Erin held an alarmingly familiar candy-tin in her hands. Holtz sat up, cheeks colouring slightly.

“This must have got mixed in with my stuff in the truck. I didn’t look-” Holtz released the breath she hadn’t been aware she was holding. Erin continued, “-well, I didn’t really look. I just wanted to see who it belonged to.”

Holtz could feel her body tense, and if her cheeks weren’t coloured already, they were then.

“You were really cute when you were a kid, Holtz.”

She blinked a few times, mentally scrambling to recall the order of the personal effects squirreled away in the tin. Not that it was anything inappropriate, it was just that the tin’s contents withheld a lot of information that Holtz decided long ago was best left buried.

She especially wasn’t prepared to answer the thousands of questions that Erin might have compiled for her.

All those thoughts rushed through her mind in a fraction of a second however, so (objectively) it wasn’t too long before Holtzmann’s well-oiled Bravado Mechanism(™) kicked in, “Ah shucks Gilbert, you really know how to flatter a girl.”

“I didn’t look at anything else though! I hope you don’t mind too much.”

Holtz stretched her shoulders out over her head and let out an exaggerated yawn. “No worries at all, Erin.” She patted the mattress she was sitting on with her patented For-Erin-Gilbert wink and Erin laughed, a little unsure. She shrugged her shoulders and plopped herself next to Holtz, placing the tin gently in the blonde’s lap.

“I think it’s really sweet that you still have stuff like this,” Erin said, tapping the lid of the tin, “my parents put all my stuff in storage ages ago.”

Holtz side-eyed Erin over her shoulder and avoided telling her that she didn’t have any parents to keep her stuff in the first place, so she said instead with a smirk, “I would love to see baby Erin pictures someday. I need to confirm a theory.”

Erin laughed again. This time it came easier, more comfortable. “What’s your theory?”

“That Erin Gilbert grew up ginger. Am I wrong?” Holtz prodded, left eyebrow raised suggestively.

Holtz could see Erin’s cheeks turn just so slightly scarlet, “I may have had a few freckles…”

“Amazing. The challenges you must have faced...”

“Holtz!” Erin chided with a laugh, whacking her friend’s forearm gently.

“No honestly, Erin! I feel for you!” Her fingers hesitated at the lip of the tin for a moment, but with resolve, Holtz tugged the cover off.

She plucked a handful of photographs up, which were piled loosely inside. She shuffled through them quickly before declaring, “See? I can really sympathize!” pointing at the picture on top.

Erin reached for the stack of photos in Holtz’s hands, pausing briefly. “Do you mind?” She asked, fingers hovering over the engineer’s. Holtz shrugged and handed them over, trying very hard not to notice the way Erin’s hands brushed over hers during the retrieval.

“Oh wow, look at you!”

The picture was faded and warped on one side. It depicted a young Jillian Holtzmann smiling triumphantly- unsurprisingly void of her two front teeth- over a science fair trophy. Her beaming face was spattered in freckles.

Erin giggled, and without warning, started cycling through the other pictures in the stack. Holtz’s hand flew up for a second out of reflex, but she pushed her discomfort (and her hands) down and tried to relax. Erin didn’t seem to notice, and they were just photographs. Being a part of a family meant opening up and letting people in; and there was no one Holtz wanted to let in more than Erin Gilbert.

Erin made a few comments here and there as she held up various images and Holtz hoped she wasn’t blushing too obviously.

Holtz’s breath caught as Erin lingered on one particular picture. It was the most faded, bent, and worn of them all. It was of a young woman with tight coils of strawberry blonde hair rolling over her shoulders. She had dimples and cat-shaped eyes that shone like two hazel orbs glowing in the evening light of the image.

Erin was very still. She spoke with an unfamiliar, distant cadence, “Wow, this has to be your mother.”

Holtz nodded, biting her bottom lip, “Yep.” she agreed, popping her ‘p’.

“She looks just like you, Holtz… Wow!” Pause. Holtzmann was nervous again. The last thing she wanted to do was to put a damper on the mood by trudging up unpleasant memories of her past. She really hoped Erin didn’t ask any more questions.

“What h-” Erin didn’t get to finish the inquiry, because a homemade cuckoo clock peeped out a muffled chirp from somewhere inside one Holtz’s packed up boxes.

“Oh shoot, what time is it?” Erin asked, grabbing Holtzmann’s arm and pulling it towards her face to examine the watch the engineer wore. Holtzmann’s wrist tingled under Erin’s fingers.

“Darn it! I told Abby I’d have a drink with her on the roof, like, an hour and a half ago!” Erin released Holtzmann’s arm and carefully handed her the photos before jumping to her feet.

“Are you coming, Holtz?”

Holtz blinked a few times, still a little dazed by Erin’s touch. “Sure,” she conceded after a too-long pause.

Erin’s face lit up in a huge grin, all twinkling eyes and unfiltered glee. “Great!”

Holtz’s stomach flip-flopped, and found that she was grinning widely in response without her consent. She placed the pictures next to the tin on her mattress gently, and followed Erin almost magnetically.

When they were on the roof, they found it deserted.

“Oh shoot. I really lost track of the time,” Erin murmured, deflated.

Holtz couldn’t stand to see the way Erin’s face fell at the revelation, so she swung around to face her friend fully, pulling her along by both her wrists while walking backwards. “Hey pretty lady, don’t worry about it! We live here now, we can come up for drinks with our buddies anytime! Besides, I’m sure Abby is real tired from all the moving we did today; she might’ve been cranky, anyway.”

Erin huffed out a little laugh, “She does get moody sometimes if her blood sugar is low.”

“Right? That’s what I’m saying!” Holtz let go of one hand to gesture largely with her free arm and fell in step beside Erin, “We can have fun here, just the two of us! Look,” Holtz tugged Erin towards a large cooler pushed up against the wall.

“I.. I had no idea we had a cooler up here.”

“Well, I just brought it up today. It’s fully stocked too. Unless Abby got into it while she was waiting for you to show…”

“Hey,” Erin said playfully, “I still feel pretty bad about that.”

“So let’s drink then!” Holtz pulled two beers out of the cooler and closed the cover with her bottom as she sat. She tapped the cooler invitingly, a mirror of her move from earlier in the night, and waggled her eyebrows in Erin’s general direction.

This earned another laugh from her friend as she sat down beside Holtz. Their outer thighs were flush with each other, which was nice. And distracting.

Holtz hoped that Erin didn’t notice the goosebumps that appeared on her skin when Erin reached across her lap to grab one of the beer bottles.

Holtz was in a bit of a trance watching Erin fuss with the lid of her beverage for a minute or two. As Erin’s cheeks coloured pink with effort, and Holtz was beginning to think that she might be in trouble.

She was drawn back when Erin spoke.

“Uh, Holtz? These aren’t twist off.”

“Reeeeally?” Holtz replied skeptically, drawing out her vowels.

Feeling challenged, Holtz tried removing the cap by force. She abandoned all efforts when her fingers slipped without warning, and the jagged edge of the bottle cap tore across her finger pads.

Holtz hissed in pain and watched as tiny droplets of scarlet appeared in her wounds. She brought her fingers to her mouth to capture the blood, but Erin reached across in a flash and seized her friend’s hand before it reached her lips.

“God Holtz! Don’t do that! Do you know how much bacteria is in your mouth? Here let me.”

For one agonizing moment Holtz thought that Erin might try to use her own mouth to stop the bleeding. Erin’s soft, warm, inviting mouth.

Holtz froze as Erin leaned forward, lips pursed. Holtz was beside herself. Her belly burned low and her breath caught. She felt her face somehow blanche and flush simultaneously.  

It was around then that Jillian realized that Erin leaned forward to grab a brightly patterned, wallet-sized Kleenex package out of her back pocket.

“That makes so much more sense,” Holtz muttered, out loud apparently.

“What?” Erin asked with a laugh.

“Nothing!” Holtz sat up straight and begged her brain to start working properly, “Why do you have Kleenex in your back pocket?”

“Not just Kleenex,” Erin answered theatrically, flipping open the folding package. Holtz was distracted by how Erin’s long slender fingers were still clasped gently around her wrist, so she didn’t notice the small assortment of Band-aids tucked into one of the pockets straight away.

When she did however, her mouth fell open in disbelief.

Holtz worked her jaw a few times searching for words.

Erin, meanwhile, was frozen with a goofy expression on her face, apparently anticipating some sort of interrogation from Holtzmann, while holding the tissues out in display.

“Explain yourself,” is what Holtz came up with, tone flat, pretending that that wasn’t the cutest fucking thing she’d ever seen.

“Funny you should ask,” Erin started, pulling one of the tissues out of the top pocket and wrapping it over Holtzmann’s injury, “I found these at a drug store. I just liked the pattern at first...”

Holtz noted that the package matched Erin’s silly, teal, rubber-boots perfectly. Not that it mattered at all, it was only the second cutest thing she had ever seen.

“But when I opened up the package, I noticed that it would be perfect for a makeshift first-aid kit. There should be an alcohol swab in there somewhere, too,” she explained, eyeing the package suspiciously.

It was the most ridiculous thing Jillian Holtzmann experienced. So ridiculous, she felt her heart lurch and fingers twitch. She had to make a conscious effort not to reach out for Erin, just so she could touch her again.

Ridiculous.

Erin was entirely oblivious to this however, she had her attentions fixed on unwrapping a plastic bandage so she could apply it to the wound.

When Erin had finished, Holtz realized she needed to do something to keep her hands busy, so she reclaimed the beer bottles she had set aside and brought them back into play.

After a moment’s contemplation, Holtz asked, “Do you still have that swiss army knife that I gave you?”

“Of course!” Erin produced it from another pocket and traded it for a beer. Holtz felt even more affection for her friend stir up inside her, flattered that Erin still carried the tool with her.

Holtzmann wondered if maybe this would prove to be an ongoing problem for her.

Pushing that particular thought away for the moment, Holtz cracked open Erin’s beer, then her own.

They sat on the cooler on the roof in companionable silence, until Erin broke it with a large yawn. “Beer makes me so tired,” she said.

Holtzmann observed that Erin had barely made it through the neck of the bottle, and chuckled to herself.

Suddenly, for what felt like the hundredth time that night, Erin put Holtz’s emotions through the wringer once more when she let her head fall heavily on Holtzmann’s shoulder.

Holtz was motionless, terrified that any twitch or squirm would disturb her friend. She risked a glance downward and saw that Erin’s breathing had slowed and she was potentially asleep.

“Erin?” It was barely a whisper.

There was simply a sleepy groan in response, and Erin nuzzled her head closer under Holtz’s neck.

Holtz sighed deeply taking in the scents of the fresh autumn air mingled, the musk of the city, and something that smelled like some kind of fruit flavoured tea.

Erin. Her subconscious supplied annoyingly.  

Yeah, Holtzmann concluded, this is definitely going to be a problem for me.

 I just kinda died for you

You just kinda stared at me

The bust was supposed to be pretty standard, the only hitch in the whole thing was that the entire basement of the apartment building was flooded with knee-deep, unnervingly murky water.

A flooded basement that the client neglected to share with the team.

Holtz was particularly miffed, mumbling about grounding her machines, and how unforgiving water damage is.

The four of them were gathered on large landing platform where the stairs bent; the last dry surface before a descent into water. Holtz turned to face the group, and cleared her throat dramatically, and noticed proudly that she earned a giggle from Erin.

“Okay listen up, ladies,” Holtz announced, “when we get into this water, I don’t want to see any proton pistols at all, I cannot guarantee the safety of anyone knee-deep in water. Use the proton grenades only, and even still, I want everyone to keep their distance as much as possible.”

It was a rare moment of clarity, responsibility, and leadership from Holtzmann. The team looked on with admiration and reverence.

Then Holtz flipped down her safety goggles with a mischievous grin. “Or do whatever you want! You do you, girls. Let’s get wet!” and proceeded to plunge feet first into the water with an obnoxious splash.

Erin couldn’t help but laugh again, while Patty and Abby groaned and grumbled. Eventually the other women waded in after, a little less boisterously than their companion.

What they knew about the job was that there was some sort of apparition banging around in the basement, causing power outages and pipe ruptures.

Sloshing through the water, it turned out that the basement was much larger than it seemed. The power was off, presumably for safety reasons, so the Ghostbusters had to rely on the dim glow of their flashlights to guide them through the labyrinth.

They were grouped relatively close together with Holtz and Erin near the front, and Patty and Abby in the back.

Only a few minutes had passed when they turned a corner, and Erin noticed some movement in her peripherals. She looked over her shoulder at Holtz and tilted her head toward the disturbance. Holtz nodded in acknowledgment, and held her hand out to stop the other two from advancing.

Holtz, Abby, and Patty fell back, hands hovering over their weapons, allowing Erin to take the lead.

The physicist looked back and nodded her reassurance to her teammates. Keeping their eyes trained on Erin, it was easy to overlook a ripple in the air; the only evidence alluding to the apparition that materialized faintly in the center of their triangulation.

From where they were standing, it was however very easy to perceive the second apparition- a ghastly arm- slither out of the water, stretching toward Erin.

Maybe it was the light, maybe the proximity, but it was apparent that Erin hadn’t detected the threat at all.

Holtz felt her stomach jump up her throat, and just as she tried to call out, the ghost in the center of the group conjured a powerful spherical blast that sent the three ghostbusters spiralling out of formation in different directions.

Holtz turned mid-air just in time to feel her proton-pack slam against a wall, and her head whip back and forth violently. She was dazed, but conscious. She scrambled quickly to her feet and frantically searched for her companions in the dim room.

A lot was happening at once.

She spotted Erin first. The phantom limb had her by the right arm and was tugging her toward the water. She fought clumsily as she tried to reach around with her left hand for her grenades, which she had apparently stored on the opposite side of her body.

Holtz eyes scanned the room quickly for the rest of her team to find that they seemed to be adequately functional at that moment. Meaning that they were conscious, above water, and more-or-less on their feet.

Holtz could see one ghost drifting maliciously toward Patty, who was still pulling herself out of the water. Thankfully Abby had recovered almost has quickly as Holtz, and was en route to assist Patty, grenade at the ready.

That brought her attention back to Erin. The ghost had her by both of her hands then, so she was unable to reach any kind of weapon at all. She couldn’t kick out with her feet, as she would surely lose her footing, even if she could make corporeal contact with the spirit.

Erin’s face was inches away from the water. She couldn’t break free, she couldn’t reach her grenades. Holtz had to act quickly. She padded along the belt of her suit, and found none of her grenades there. She scanned the water quickly for her weapons, but could see nothing through the shadows. Her flashlight was long gone. She was losing time.

Erin’s breath rippled the surface of the water, seconds away from being submerged.

“H-Holtz!” It was strained and desperate, and more than Holtz could bare.

“Fuck it,” Holtz concluded, pulling out her proton gun.

Admittedly, it was a bad idea.

It was dangerous and stupid, and she might’ve had time to come up with something better, but it was becoming quite a trend that Holtz was unable to think clearly in situations which certain auburn-haired physicists were directly involved.

The first thing that Holtzmann noticed when she pushed the trigger button was that she didn’t die immediately. That was promising.

The second thing she noticed was how the ghost’s fingers flew open when the stream reached it, maybe even milliseconds before, releasing its grip on Erin instantly and sending her toppling backward into the water. She was away from the ghost, and out of immediate danger. So fuck whatever happened next.

The third thing that Holtz noticed was how the beam entwined the ghost’s arms and creeped down to the surface. When the beam made contact with the presumably hyper-ionized water, the proton stream illuminated the whole phantom at an unprecedented level. Its form became clear and fluorescent under the murky water. It happened too fast. The spectre was too bright. In less than a second, the whole proton stream was amplified and a visible line of searing light was tracing back along the stream toward Holtzmann at frightening speed.

The fourth and final thing that Holtzmann noticed was how it felt as if someone took a baseball bat lined thick with barbed wire and slammed it across her forearms. It burned hot and stung cold, and impacted with such terrible force she was sure she was literally knocked out of her boots. The sensation raced up her arms and slammed her square in the chest as she flew back.

Then nothing.

-

Holtz woke up, which was a great start. Sorry, with a great start. Gasping, and scrambling from nothing, she found herself on the dry platform at the bottom of the stairs. A platform which had become slightly less dry as a result of the three other ghostbusters huddled around it, dripping wet at different saturations.

Holtz chest ached, her arms were rubber, and her head was pounding, but she was alive.

“Oh thank God!” Abby sighed out, falling back on her hands from her crouched position.

“Damn it Holtzy don’t do that to me!” Patty yelled, eyes shining with tears. She pulled the engineer into a too tight hug, making everything that hurt so much worse. Holtz didn’t have it in her to break it to Patty, however. Nor the voice. Her throat felt raw and dry.

As Patty loosened her grip, Holtz’s eyes scanned the platform in the dim light. They landed on Erin who looked quite dazed and barely present. “You-” Holtz grated out, “you okay?”

If possible, Erin’s faced paled further. She blinked a few times, and shook her head roughly. Her mouth opened for a minute as if she was going to say something, but instead she bit her bottom lip, leaving her expression unreadable. She did however nod toward Holtz briefly.

“I uh…” Erin looked over her shoulder and then back at Holtz for a fraction of a second, moving her eyes past the engineer and to her other team-mates, “I’m gonna go...”

“Yeah, go ahead.” Abby said gravely, and Erin was racing up the stairs without another word.

Oh god, I could have killed her, Holtz thought. That was so dangerous, and she knows it. She knows what might’ve happened… she’s terrified. I did that. What did I do?

Holtz’s stomach dropped, and she even tried to go after Erin, eyes fixed on the stairs the woman retreated up. But when Holtz tried to push herself up, her elbows buckled and she collapsed back down to platform.

“Hey where do you think you’re going baby?” Patty scolded, warm hand falling heavy on the blonde’s shoulder, “Your heart stopped Holtz! You’re not going anywhere ‘til the paramedics get here!”

“Erin’s gone to wait for them.” Abby added, sensing that something else might’ve been amiss.

Holtz gaze finally broke free from vacant stairwell, and she looked at Patty- whose hand remained assertively on Holtz’s right arm. The engineer (too) easily pushed all of her fear and doubt away and slipped back into her usual facade, “I died? Cool!”

We will always have that chance

We can do this one more time

Erin found Holtzmann in her lab a week or two after their near-death basement bust. She was tinkering away close to midnight while Erin had been in bed, trying very hard to sleep with even less success.

She had been a mess since that day. Her arms were still marked with purple and yellow bruises from the ghost’s hold on her.

Erin could deal with the pain, the bruises; any scars she might be left with. What she couldn’t handle was what happened to Holtzmann.

What could have happened to Holtzmann.

Every time she closed her eyes, she saw the flash from the proton stream ricochet back at Holtz.

She saw her friend fly through the air and collide roughly with the wall.

She saw her friend slumped motionless in that damp dark basement, unnaturally still.

She saw her teammates carry Holtz up to the dry flat surface as she hung back, shaking and useless.  

She saw Patty doing chest compressions.

She heard Abby near tears on the phone explaining to the dispatcher what had happened.

It’s my fault. Erin remembered repeating to herself, rocking back and forth in the stairwell.

This is because of me.

Every night for a week she replayed the scene over and over.

She had been avoiding Holtz because every time she saw her, her heart ached imagining how close they came to losing her for good.

How close Erin had come to losing her for good.

“Hey!” Holtz greeted, drawing Erin into the present with a jolt, “What’s got you up so late?”

Erin folded her arms over her chest, and hoped that Holtz didn’t see her shudder thinking of the scene stuck on repeat in her mind.

“Just, you know. Can’t sleep.”

“Oh, I know,” Holtz replied with a laugh, bringing her attention back to her gadget she was working on, “I personally haven’t slept in years.”

Erin wanted to chide back that if that were true, she’d probably be dead, but her stomach dropped so fast at that thought, she nearly followed it to the floor.

There were so many question she had for Holtz. Are you mad at me? Will you ever forgive me for nearly getting you killed? What would would’ve happened if you weren’t there to save me? What do you think of me?

Instead she asked, “How are you feeling?”

“You know me, Gilbert,” Holtz said, still focused on her work, “I’ve got way too much style to check out early. Party’s not over yet.”

Erin couldn’t stop the tears from springing to her eyes, “I-” she sputtered, “I’m so sorry.”

Holtz dropped her tools immediately, and closed the space across the lab just as fast when she heard Erin’s voice break.

Erin thought for a minute that Holtz might hug her, instead the engineer stood stiff as a board- a fraction closer than most people would- and looked at her seriously over her safety goggles.

“Why in the entire damn world would you say something like that?”

Erin hugged herself closer, turning away from Holtzmann’s intense gaze. A few tears slid down her cheeks. “If I hadn’t been pulled under…”

“Then it would have been me or Abby or Patty,” Holtz asserted, grabbing a hold of Erin’s biceps, “Any one of us could have been targeted that day.” Holtz edged off a bit, loosening her grip on Erin.

“And I would have done the same freakin’ thing for either of them, too.” Pause. “I know you guys would do the same for me,” the engineer finished saying with a lopsided smile and a reassuring wink. She squeezed Erin’s arms briefly before releasing them, spun on her heel, and marched back to her workbench as if nothing happened.

Oh.

Erin couldn’t help the way her heart dropped as Holtzmann dismissed the incident with such ease.

“You should hit the hay, Gilbert. You look like crap,” Holtz called over her shoulder with a warm chuckle.

Of course Holtz would do the same for anyone. They were a team. Erin too would expect the same from Abby and Patty.

It was so silly that Erin thought Holtzmann’s heroics that day may have permeated their professional obligations to each other. God, how self-centred must she have been to think it meant more than that?

How dare she even be so selfish. Holtz could have been dead, and all Erin could think about was maybe Holtz… It didn’t matter now.

The woman in question had settled back into her work as Erin stood, unmoving from the place her companion left her.

Holtz eyed her knowingly over the desk lamp, “There’s something else you wanted to say wasn’t there?”

Erin scrubbed her sweater sleeve over her face, clearing it from whatever might have escaped during her mini-meltdown, and strode over to the bench where Holtzmann sat.

When Holtz turned her head, Erin leaned in and kissed her on the cheek.

If asked by the right person, Erin might’ve admitted the kiss landed closer than necessary to the corner of her friend’s mouth. She might also supply that it lasted a beat or two longer as well, but none of that mattered, it felt like the right thing to do. What’s more, Erin felt three layers of emotional tension evaporate instantly at the contact.

Apparently distancing herself from her friend was not the solution to her problem. She just needed to talk to the woman she almost killed. She just needed a few of her questions answered. She just needed to feel the warmth of her friend radiate with life.

She’s sure that’s why her stomach lurched oddly at the touch.

She’s sure that’s where the fluttering sensation which was humming through her entire body came from.

She’s definitely sure it had nothing to do with the way her friend leaned in slightly at the kiss.

She’s definitely sure it had nothing to do with the salty taste of Holtzmann’s cheek, nor the smell of orange scented oil, and machinery in motion that clung to Holtz’s hair. It had absolutely nothing to do with how close her lips were to that dimple she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about.

A friendship reconciled was a powerful thing, Erin reasoned.

The look on Holtz’s face was well worth it anyway. Her mouth gaped slightly, and two little red spots appeared high on her cheekbones.

Erin felt herself smile, really smile, for the first time in too long.

“I just wanted to say thank you, Holtz. Really. Promise you’ll save me again sometime?”

Holtz face relaxed back to its familiar complacent air, “Anything for you, G-woman.”

Erin snorted out a tired laugh, and felt like she might finally get some rest tonight.

You believe there’s somewhere else

Where it’s easier than this

Being around Erin was becoming so difficult, Holtz could not actually deal with it.

She was overwhelmed by every laugh, every sigh, and every touch that came from Erin Gilbert.

Her heart hurt when she wasn’t around her, her heart hurt when she was.

Holtz flirted with her, like she did with every woman she knew. Most women would laugh it off, but with Erin things started getting muddled together. Erin was laughing more, blushing more, even jibing back every once in awhile with a weak attempt at a wink (turns out Erin Gilbert can’t wink, but rather blink awkwardly while tilting her head in one direction). It’s like Erin was stepping forward then running back. It was a push and pull that gave Holtz in dangerous sense of hope.

Every night, it was becoming harder for Holtz to walk away from Erin.

So she stopped getting close. She kept her distance. Terrified she’d do or say something she’d regret. She'd spent the last few days avoiding the physicist whenever she could.

It wasn’t until she was alone in the lab one night (as usual) that she realized what she was really doing: Holtz was just waiting for Erin to leave.

Erin was brilliant. That was never in question. Even before she met Erin, every equation Holtz worked off of was arranged so perfectly, so flawlessly, Erin’s talents illuminated through every integer. The more that Holtz got to know Erin and her work, the more Holtz knew that Erin had a hand in everything she built.

Erin was so brilliant in fact, that Holtz couldn’t help but wonder if she ever questioned her place in their team. Erin could work anywhere she chose; there must have some part of her amazing mind that told her she was being held back. Limited.

Not to mention the little voice in the back of Holtz’s head that kept reminding her: Erin left once already…

Holtz knew that Abby was in it for good. There was never a point in Abby’s career that she wasn’t in it. And Holtz knew herself; she’d stay as long as Abby would have her. Patty was just as loyal, and although she’d go back to the MTA for the odd shift here and there (the mayor’s office wasn’t paying her as much because she wasn’t a scientist) for a little extra cash flow, it was easy to see Patty’s interest and dedication was unwavering.

Erin was the wild card.

From working with her one-on-one, Holtz knew how much Erin’s abandonment had hurt Abby. How unexpected it was. How little warning was given.

She would remind herself that that was over ten years ago now, but how long had the two been friends before that?

Holtzmann was a scientist. It wasn’t easy for her to overlook a fact. The fact was Erin left.

Holtz knew that if anything happened between her and Erin, even if Erin was interested in the first place, and she left anyway? Holtz would be crushed. She had never felt as strongly about anyone as she had felt about Erin.

Every atom in her body felt super-charged around her. Her head buzzed. Her knees went weak.

Holtz had a few theories on how a confrontation with Erin might go. If Holtz asked Erin if she would ever leave, she’d be betraying the trust that they had built since the Ghostbusters formed. Not to mention the questions that would follow.

Why does it matter to you, Holtz? You and Abby were doing just fine before I came around.

Actually we weren’t. Everything that is good and wonderful in my life right now happened after you showed up in it. If you were gone again, I don’t think it would be possible for me to be this happy again.

If she told Erin she loved her, Erin might not return the sentiment.

Judging by the stories of ex-boyfriends, and the persistent Kevin Situation, that seemed like the most likely scenario. Holtz would make everything awkward and uncomfortable. No one would want to deal with that, so Erin would leave.

If she told Erin she loved her, and Erin felt the same way…

Holtz tried to ignore the flutter in her chest at the thought, and reminded herself of the realities.

So then would they date? Holtz had never been in a relationship before. Could she even date? How would it affect the team if they were together? How could Holtz be what Erin deserved? What would happen when they broke up?

Erin would leave...

Holtz couldn’t find a solution within the bubble of the firehouse, so she started to look elsewhere.

The bar that she favoured was called Northern Latitude. It was within a few blocks of the firehouse. It had the best Canadian imports, a bright neon sign over the door, and a rainbow in the window.

Every night Holtz wanted to kiss Erin, she’d go to the bar and kiss someone else. So she ended up there a lot. It was easy. It was simple.

It was enough for now.

And you see outside yourself

And you buy the hole you’ll fill

“Where’s Holtz?”

It was late one Tuesday night, and it had been several nights since Erin was sure that Holtz had even slept at home. Even during the day, Erin saw less and less of Holtz.

Admittedly they were going through a bit of a paranormal dry-spell, but there was still research and building to be done, and Holtz was barely around anymore.

Erin couldn’t figure out why.

Her anxiety told her that it was from that kiss a little over two weeks prior. Erin was sure she over-stepped. She shouldn’t have surprised Holtz like that. She probably made her really uncomfortable, and now she was MIA.

Erin missed Holtz’s tinkering in the lab. She missed her music. She missed her stupid jokes.

More than anything, Erin was worried.

Abby didn’t seem too concerned however. She'd dismissed Erin’s alarm with an absent wave of her arm while she scrolled through Netflix in her pyjamas.

“She gets like this sometimes, Erin. You just gotta let her work through it on her own. I’ve seen this before with her crushes…”

Erin’s breath caught. “H-Holtz has a crush?” Why was it suddenly so hard to breathe?

“Oh.” Abby chuckled out, “Oh.. oh my God? Do you really not know?” Her expression was amused, sympathetic, and only slightly condescending.

“No.” Erin replied softly, resting her hand against a chair to steady herself.

“Okay, you didn’t hear this from me, but Holtz has a huge crush on you, bud.”

“What?”

“Don’t worry about it though, Erin. I told her you were straight…”

“What?”

“And you know, she sort of figured you were anyway… so she went to that bar she’s been going to a lot lately. Patty walked her there, but then I think she needed to hit up the library really quick after, so Holtz is probably flying solo again…”

“Abby,” it was firm and pushed out through gritted teeth, “what bar?”

-

Holtz hammered her hand against the sketchy, off-brand ATM as it announced its disrepair via a crooked handwritten note in fading sharpie.

She could feel herself sobering up and that was unacceptable. She shoved her hands roughly into all of her pockets (there were more than a few, as she was wearing her favourite pair of cargo pants) and came up with a fistful of ruffled singles and a couple of coins.

She stumbled back to the bar, found a spot closest to her favourite bartender, and slammed her collection on the sticky surface.

“What’ll this get me, Yanni?” Holtz pretended not to notice the way her voice slurred at the words.

Yanni wandered over in all their skeptical, androgynous glory. “About a shot and a half, love. But I can give ya two doubles for it, ‘cause you’re so dang cute.”

“And I tip well.”

“So well.”

“Sounds good to me, just make sure whatever you give me is strong.”

Yanni gave her a pointed look, but fetched some reddish brown elixir anyway. When they presented the drinks in front of Holtz, Yanni placed a warm hand on the blonde’s shoulder, and gave her some kind of look of understanding. Or pity. Or both.

“This is the last you’ll get from me tonight Holtz. I know you’re tapped out, anyway. Maybe go home and sleep it off after this?”

It completely caught Holtz off guard. The gesture struck Holtz so suddenly, there was nothing she could’ve done to prevent the tears that sprang to her eyes at Yanni’s words. She swallowed them back, and replied with a scoff. “Home. Yeah. I’d love to go home, but she’s straight as a goddamn arrow. I’ll tell her you said hi, though.” Holtz threw the drinks back simultaneously.

Yanni smiled sadly at Holtz, squeezed her shoulder, and moved on to their next customer.

Holtz let her head fall heavily into her hands and folded over the counter. She revelled in the way the liquor scorched her throat, hoping it was the last thing she felt that night.

Foreigner came up over the bar’s sound system, and Holtz banged her fists on the counter in forced enthusiasm, “Yes! This is what I’m talking about!” She shifted back on the barstool and twirled rhythmically when her boots landed on the floor. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, pushing unshed tears away and nodded her head along to the music. She got lost in the way the alcohol slowed her movement down, while enhancing the sensation of motion.

She swayed around for a moment or two, focusing as much on the external stimulus as she could. When she opened her eyes, she saw that beyond her bent and fuzzy vision, a familiar figure stood in the doorway of the bar.

Illuminated blue, violet, and fluorescent fuchsia from the neon sign hanging overhead, Erin Gilbert stood as still as a statue but for her hands clenching and unclenching together, held tightly against her silk blouse.

Erin’s unreadable face was both unfocused, and so blazingly clear, Holtz was suddenly overcome. It was the last thing she expected, and far more than she could handle.

The liquid in her stomach turned acrid, and every muscle in her abdomen contracted instantly and painfully.

Holtz nearly tripped over her own feet when she turned toward the bathroom and fled from the searing gaze of the woman she was in love with.

-

She found Holtz staggering out of a stall in the dingy bar’s bathroom. It was clear that she had been sick. Her pale skin was wan; a stark contrast to the redness around her watery eyes, and the splotches of scarlet spattered over her chest.

Holtz tried to smile, but it came out twisted and wrong. Forced.

“What’s a girl like you doing in a place like this?” The engineer slurred out flatly.

She was looking everywhere except at Erin.

“What are you doing here, Holtz?”

“Puking, evidently.”

Erin decided to try something new. “Jillian,”

Holtz finally looked at her, but it was raw and anguished and so unguarded, it made Erin’s heart hurt.

Erin continued, “What are you doing?”

Something in Holtz’s expression shifted as she tore her gaze away from Erin, gesturing extravagantly as she spoke, “Isn’t it obvious? I’m trying to get over you.”

Erin felt her breath hitch. Holtz fumbled on, “I’m trying to get over your face, your smile, your laugh. Jesus, you know when you laugh your face scrunches up like that, and it’s my favourite thing in the world, but it also rips my stupid guts out every time. So yeah, I’m trying to get over that too. But you couldn’t make it easy could you? You came here anyway. You’re a goddamn supernova dragging me in with your gravity, and it’s crushing me.”

As Holtz eyes flickered back and forth frantically, Erin could see the light catch in the tears gathered behind them.

Holtz took a deep breath, and let out some kind of stifled sob as she exhaled, and let herself look at Erin again.

“I love you more than I can fucking stand. I know you don’t feel the same way, and that’s okay. But I just needed to come here. I needed to try to forget how much it hurts to be around you.”

Erin didn’t know what to do with her hands or her body. She was frozen as a frenzy of emotions tore through her.

“I just wanted one fucking night…” Holtz went to walk away, but swayed dangerously to her left. Erin couldn’t stop herself from reaching out. She suspected it was a bad move, only to be confirmed when Holtz pulled herself away from Erin, shaking her head.

“Erin, please don’t do that,” Holtz pleaded, sounding impossibly small. “Please?” Her voice broke.

Erin’s outstretched hands balled up, and folded back into her chest.

A moment or two passed, broken by someone sniffling back tears. Erin couldn’t tell who.

“I’m really sorry, Holtz.” She couldn’t find any other words that felt adequate enough.

Holtz laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, me too.” The engineer scrubbed her sleeve over her face, straightened herself, and shoved a hand in her pocket, “This is so stupid, right? Give a gay two shots and she fucking falls apart.” She walked past Erin with some semblance of composure, and muttered as she breezed by, “I’ll see you at work, Gilbert.”

Then she was gone.

Erin hadn’t missed the way Holtz’s lips quivered at the words.

Erin hadn’t missed the tear-tracks staining Holtz’s cheeks.

Erin hadn’t missed the little huff of breath that escaped Holtz’s lips as she left the bathroom. A sound that wobbled and shuttered and hung palpably in the air.

Erin felt her knees shake.

Why didn’t you say anything?

She felt her eyes swim.

Why didn’t you tell her you feel the same?

She felt the cold doorknob bite under her steadying grip.

Why did you let her leave?

“Holtzy what is up with you today?”

“I’m hungover”

“Yeah okay. But I have seen you hungover before, and this is… not that.”

Holtz yanked on the wire she was stripping a little harder than necessary and finally looked up at Patty.

“Damn girl, you got some allergies or something? Your eyes are all watery and your nose is red and.. Oh shit. Are you crying ?”

Holtz sniffled. “No.”

Patty moved around the workbench, and held her arms out wide. “Come on baby, bring it in. Patty’s here.”

Holtz fell into her embrace and let out a shaky breath she didn't know she was holding.

Patty’s voice was soft, softer than Holtz had ever heard. “You don’t have to tell me what happened. Not unless you want to.”

“Thanks, Patty.” Her voice was thick. As much as she appreciated the gesture, Holtz knew damn well there was no way she could tell Patty- or anyone, really- what she had said yet without experiencing a nuclear meltdown.

She was heartbroken. She was embarrassed. She was ashamed.

She felt guilty, because if Erin left after this, if Erin left because of her? Holtz’s stupid eyes started to water again. No. She couldn’t talk about it yet.

So she hugged Patty tighter than she had before because that was what she needed.

“Did you eat yet today?” Patty’s voice was gaining momentum again as the two separated, “How about a cheesesteak?”

“Patty, I’m not really-”

Patty was already on her way out of the lab. “I got’chu girl! Extra onions, right?”

Holtz chuckled to herself in spite of everything, and watched Patty disappear down the stairs. She wiped a stray tear away from under her goggles and got back to work.

The prototype she was working on was for the express purpose of keeping her mind off of what happened last night.

Holtz slept until around 10:30 that morning and awoke in the clothes she was wearing the day before, lying sideways on the mattress in her room. The way her stomach churned told her that it was not just the alcohol that was making her feel so shitty.

She was scrambling to recall exactly what had happened the night before. Most of her memories were pretty vague until the crystalline vision of Erin standing at the threshold of the bar shone through in perfect, 1080p detail.

The rest of the night after that was pretty hard to forget, no matter how much she wanted to.

Everything played on repeat in her mind, and even as she worked, nothing was enough to keep Holtz from reliving the highlights.

Erin’s expression when she found Holtz, soft and worried and radiating with its unruly warmth. The way Erin wrung her hands; unsure and trepid. The way her face lost its colour more at every word Holtz had spoke. The sound of Erin’s voice when she said Holtz’s name- real name- for the first time. The way she reached out for her.

And God Holtz wanted nothing more than to collapse into Erin’s arms. To cry and be comforted, and just breath her in as she clung.

“Abby, do you think Erin might... I don’t know, be open to a sort of... Lady on lady romance type thing… with me?”

“Oh. Holtz, I… Um. I just… I really don’t know. I’m sorry. I’ve only ever known her to date guys. She’s never said anything that made me think… Holtz I’m really sorry. For the record, I think you guys would be really cute together…”

Holtz groaned and let her head drop firmly into her arms, falling onto the workbench. This was bad…

Holtz could hear someone come up the stairs. Her first guess was Patty asking for money for the food, but the way the footsteps fell gently and stopped precisely at the top of the stairs made Holtz freeze.

“Holtz?”

Oh God. No.

Holtz was not ready for this yet. She bolted off of her work stool, and searched the room frantically for exit strategies.

“Can we… I have something I need to say.”

No. No. please no. I’m not ready for you to leave. Please don’t say it.

Holtz nodded anyway, feeling like she might collapse. She needed to remind herself to keep breathing.

Erin took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Forget what I said. I didn’t mean it. I was joking. I was drunk. I’m in love with Kevin. There were a thousand things might've said, but she couldn’t form the words.

Please don’t leave. Pleasepleaseplease. 

“Do you know how the northern lights are created?”

That was… different. Holtz gulped and adjusted her stance. “Yeah, I guess. I mean of course, the particles-”

“Yes. Sorry what I should’ve said was: let me tell you how the northern lights are created.”

Holtz nodded. Waited.

Erin waited too, as if forgetting she stopped Holtz so that she could talk.

“...Erin?”

“Right! Okay, so the Earth has its two magnetic fields, opposites, on either pole. When the fields collide and combine with solar wind, it obscures and bends the particles that are trapped inside our atmosphere. It makes something really beautiful.”

Holtz had no idea where this was going. She nodded along cluelessly.

“You’re, like, my opposite. We don’t go together on paper, everything says that we should actually be retracting away from each other every time we come close.”

The last thing Holtz needed to hear was how much they didn’t work for each other. She felt her face blanche, but Erin carried on anyway.

“But we’re not repelling. We keep coming together again and again, and you’re making me bend. Bend in a good way… in the best way.”

Erin was blushing now and she had her hands all tangled up in the seams of her skirt.

“Holtz, I think when you and I come together, we make beautiful things. And um.. I don’t want that to go away.”

Holtz lost her breath while Erin inhaled deeply. “I didn’t say anything last night because I didn’t know how to say what I was thinking. You were so hurt and vulnerable… I’ve never seen you like that before. Nothing ever seems to bother you, but I was. I have been. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry. I just thought that anything I said would make it worse…”

“But Abby said…”

“Abby was wrong.” Erin paused, and her flush deepened. “I’m… I’m not really ‘out’ yet,” She made awkward little air quotes, and Holtz couldn’t help but laugh, “so Abby didn’t know. And she wouldn’t’ve because it’s recent, and I’ve never really done this before… so, I was kind of intimidated by you. I didn’t know where to start. But I want this. I want you.”

Holtz’s breath caught, and she could feel, just for a moment, her motion in space; spiraling around at the speed of sound. It was perfect. It was amazing. It was the best feeling in the universe. “Erin?”

“Yeah?” Erin winced and turned away.

“Can I kiss you?”

Erin’s face lit up as she met Holtz’s gaze. She started walking toward her.

“Yes.”

Holtz helped close the distance, and kissed her.

It was magnetic, it was wonderful, it was florescent colours shimmering against a pitch black sky.

She had to stand on her toes a little, had to pull Erin down slightly, but the way her lips felt against Holtz’s, the way Erin sighed into her mouth, oh God, the way Erin’s hand pressed against her cheek. Holtz melted into her.

With one hand tangled in Erin’s hair, one arm wrapped around her waist, Holtz pressed herself as close to Erin as she could, biting and nipping, vying for more space to explore. Holtz was lost when Erin returned her fervour, and Erin’s whimpers and sighs carried her further and further away.

After minutes- or years, neither could be sure- the two broke apart in gasping breaths.

“Holy shit.” Erin managed with an airy little chuckle, licking her lips and keeping her eyes shut. Both of her hands were on Holtz shoulders as if to anchor herself, fingers bunching up the fabric of Holtz’s shirt.

Holtz took in the sight of her, hair all mussed and wild, lips swollen and red, her eyes half closed and dopey looking. She was so beautiful. Holtz loved her so much.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

“Why the northern lights?”

“Oh!” Erin was drawn out of her trance a little and straightened, but Holtz noticed that her hands were still on her shoulders. “Uh.. that’s actually a long story. I’ll tell you about it sometime. Right now I’d just really like to kiss you again.”

“Yes, do that instead.”

Take me now

You can spin my sun around

And the stars will all come out

And turn and come back down