Closure

I look out into the city skyline and see old memories. As I walk the streets of Portland passing the coffee shop we used to sit at, the restaurants we would go have dates at, and the parks we would take our dogs to I feel numb. How is it that something so perfect so grand could go downhill so fast and so hard in just a few years. It may not have been my alcohol addiction, my pill abuse, my addictive personality that screwed up but it hurts just as much. Blow after blow each argument seemed to destroy us a little bit more. A few weeks ago Abby published her book. When she started to write and told me she wanted my permission to write about our relationship I struggled to say yes. I did though with agreements to read everything before it got published to dictate how much and what got published. To keep some form of privacy on our relationship. As a protector shield from all the stigma of society around us. The truth is though up until just the other day I didn’t read the book. I was too scared that if I did I would resent myself for not being able to stop her from losing herself. The truth is she was never her true self. It took private therapy sessions to get to this self-revelation. Yesterday at therapy my counselor told me that I should read the book. The whole book not just the short excerpts that my lawyer sent me to make sure I was okay with what was said. Cover to cover a day to sit and see things fully unbiased from her point of view. Five hours later and all I can do is cry. Cry for the young girl my ex-wife was. The girl that struggled. Cry for the adult that I love with my whole heart and have walked away from a little dead inside. I managed to find myself on Suicide Bridge in Goose Hallow. I’m not going to jump, it’d kill her a little more inside if I did. Yet, it’s an aerie sense to stand her and know that so many people have jumped because they hit rock bottom. There’s nothing more that I want to do other than call her, but will that even help at this point. I need to call or at least call someone and talk. I find myself calling Lauren. My sister the one who has always been by my side.

Lauren: hello, Sarah Sarah: In a shaky breath, hey sis. Lauren: How are you holding up, what’s going on? Sarah: Uh well I was doing pretty well with everything. You know counseling really helps. Till today. Today seems to be really hard. Lauren: why today? Sarah: Well my therapist wanted me to read the book like all of it. Thought it may bring some insight and peace. Lauren:as she hears cries on the other end. Did it? Talk to me sis. Sarah: God I miss her, I want her to know it was more than just her. That…. Lauren: that you love her and you don’t blame her? Sarah: yes Lauren: I’m going to tell you this and only now am I saying it. I was sworn to secrecy and you know I don’t break it no matter who it is. Just after the DUI she called me. I didn’t answer but she kept calling. She eventually wrote me a letter. In it she told me that she will always love you. That she was sorry for all the hurt she put you through. That sorry doesn’t cut it but she will never go back to her old ways. She cares Sarah. She asked for forgiveness. That she doesn’t know if you would ever forgive her but one day she hopes that she can have the chance to fully apologize. At the time she didn’t fell right to ask you for it because it was something you could not give. She wanted to make sure you knew that you were loved. Sarah: wow. Um well she was right I wasn’t ready. I’m not even sure if I am fully yet. You know I have watched her interviews. Lauren: yeah I figured you would eventually. Sarah: I love her Lauren: call her, talk to her Sarah: I don’t know what to say. Lauren: it will come Sarah: alright, I love you Lauren: I love you too I hang up the phone with a little bit of hope and courage.

I don’t know where she is. I don’t know what she’s doing. But I know I have to call, I have to make peace. I have to do it for myself. So as I sit here on Suicide Bridge, just outside of downtown Portland. I get the courage to make the phone call that could change the status quo.