1.) Bait
Mina’s affections for Chaeyoung start like this – unreal. It starts when the girl who used to have long black hair covering half her face brought up Chaeyoung’s name in an interview before their debut, declaring Chaeyoung as her ideal type out of the rest of the members. The girl had never been on Chaeyoung’s mind before and it bothered her when she was named instead of sixteen other trainees who were definitely prettier than her. She could hardly believe that she was labelled as an ideal type of someone who had more suitors than her fingers could possibly count.
With headphones pressed snugly against her ears, she replays the interview repeatedly in the confines of the room she shares with Sana. The giggles that came after her name etches a frown on her face as her chest swells in discomfort. It doesn’t feel right to Chaeyoung, for she rarely spoke to this girl and does not have a single clue about her, save for her name. Even so, her name is common in Korea and tons of other girls have the name Mina. Mina never stood out to Chaeyoung and there is no reason for the older girl to stand out now. Chaeyoung cannot understand why Mina pops up frequently in her mind ever since she first watched the interview.
She jabs the spacebar, making the video pause. The screen shows Mina smiling at the camera, revealing her gums as well. There is a kind of child-like innocence about Mina when she smiles, in contrast to the cold aura she emits when she has a straight face. She also notices how Mina is like a girl and a woman in one body – very charming. Slipping off her headphones, she leans back against the headboard, staring at the paused image of a grinning Mina.
The room is shrouded in darkness and Chaeyoung finally notices that night has fallen. The light from her laptop dimly lights up the room and she considers turning on the lights, but decides that the switch is too far away.
There are voices outside and she hears her door knob rattle noisily as it turns. The sound makes her heart jump, hand quickly reaching out for her mouse to minimize the window, leaving only her background. (She doesn’t know why she needed to hide the fact that she was watching Mina’s Milk interview.)
Sana barges in, swinging the door open and letting light flood into the room. Sana’s eyebrows twitch in concern as she feels for the light switch, turning the lights on.
“Chaeyoungie, why didn’t you turn on the lights?”
“Was too lazy,” she mumbles, turning off her laptop (just in case).
“We’re watching a movie. Jihyo unnie says we need to bond,” her roommate informs.
“What movie?” she asks, yawning and feigning boredom.
“Something from Studio Ghibli because we have minors like you,” the girl teases, index finger pointing at Chaeyoung.
Chaeyoung laughs it off, turning off the lights as she leaves the room. The members have already gathered, some hogging the couch and some sprawled on the floor. The floor is too hard for her butt so she makes her way to the sofa, only to realize the only empty space on the sofa is beside Mina. Instincts tell her to just plant her butt on the floor but then Mina makes eye contact with her – and it’s too late.
Chaeyoung isn’t quite sure why Mina looks at her the way she does and she finds it hard to describe it even. As someone who writes her own raps, words fail her when it comes to Mina. When Mina’s eyes find hers, she looks like a child who received presents on Christmas day, with her eyes shimmering, like there are stars in her eyes.
Chaeyoung wonders if Mina looks at everyone this way.
The girl beckons Chaeyoung and she cannot find it in herself to walk away. Like a lured prey, she finds herself gravitating towards Mina automatically, plunking herself down beside her. The red-haired girl laughs softly – intimately, like it’s a song only meant for Chaeyoung.
So Chaeyoung listens – and the rest of the world is silent.
2.) Hook
They don’t have any schedules for today so they’re just lazing around the dorm. Chaeyoung has no idea if anyone has headed out. (Nayeon did say she wanted to go shopping with Mina.) It leaves her to imagine what Mina is currently doing, if she’s out correcting Nayeon’s terrible fashion sense or if she’s on her tip-toes at a grocery store, reaching for a bottle of ketchup.
Momo and Sana are in her room, the former considering a dance cover while the latter immerses herself in the world of Hazel and Augustus.
“John Green is so romantic. ‘I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once’. Oh god, he makes me want to fall in love,” Sana gushes as she rolls around in bed, blonde hair splayed out on her pillow, eyes glued to The Fault in Our Stars.
“He makes falling in love sound like you’re just dropping into an endless pit,” Momo comments, as she searches for an appropriate song to choreograph a dance for, scrolling through Chaeyoung’s music library.
“You’re only saying that because that’s what sleep is to you. Jihyo unnie spends like ten hours trying to wake you up,” Sana retorts wryly, earning herself a dirty look from Momo.
The quote makes Chaeyoung fall into a bout of silence, repeating the words to herself over and over again like a mantra. They don’t feel right at all to Chaeyoung. She tries mumbling the words to herself but they don’t roll around her tongue smoothly, like the words are too heavy.
Sana continues anyway, “I heard that this line was inspired by Hemingway. It was originally something related to bankruptcy, I think. John Green is a genius for coming up with that line.”
“But you’ll wake up,” Chaeyoung blurts.
It takes a long silence for the words to sink in and Chaeyoung suddenly realizes what exactly was so wrong about the quote.
Sana looks aghast, like her whole life has been a lie while Momo stares at her with wonder and amazement.
“Wow, Chaeyoung-ah, you just broke Sana’s heart with four words. I’ve been trying to do that my entire life,” Momo breaks the silence, immediately getting hit by a random pillow thrown in her direction by Sana.
Momo is about to declare a pillow war against Sana when the door opens, revealing Mina who blinks at a bolster-wielding Sana and Momo who holds up the pillow like a shield.
“Is something wrong?”
Her presence surprises Chaeyoung because she assumed that Mina was out with Nayeon. It is nevertheless a welcome surprise because she feels herself smiling at the girl standing by the door.
“Mina-yah! My heart has been broken by Chaeyoung!” Sana dramatically sobs and it makes Chaeyoung hope Sana never goes into acting.
“Oh okay, but Sana unnie, I need your help with—”
“No! Don’t ask me! Take Chaeyoung with you! I cannot stand this heartache and I must defeat Momo!” the blonde cries, pointing her bolster at Momo.
“… Chaeng Chaeng, do you mind helping me with something?”
Over the past few months, Mina had taken to addressing Chaeyoung as Chaeng Chaeng, her voice laced with much affection. The nickname makes Chaeyoung swallow uneasily, but she nods anyway, narrowly escaping the warzone. As soon as the door closes, Chaeyoung thinks she hears something like a battle cry from Momo or Sana and shakes her head silently at the two.
Mina seems to have noticed the action, because she smiles fondly and says, “It must be tiring with those two.”
The rapper detects a hint of amusement in her voice and sighs, “Sometimes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Then Mina smiles at her sweetly, eyes turning into crescent moons. “You’re too kind, Chaeng Chaeng.”
And Chaeyoung feels her palms get clammy.
She follows Mina obediently, lets the older girl guide her to her shared room with Jihyo. A brief moment of silence passes as Chaeyoung lets herself get dragged by Mina. Lapsing into silence is something that the younger girl is used to, because in the time that she has come to know Mina, Mina is someone who lets her actions speak for themselves. Her actions often mean more than her words – which is why when Chaeyoung is tired from practice, she usually finds a bottle of water and snack packs lying around near her belongings. (She knows they’re from Mina.)
“So what help do you need?”
“I need help with my facial expressions. Jihyo unnie says my smiles are too frozen on stage,” the lead dancer sighs, running a hand through her current light brown hair. “I would ask Jihyo unnie but Nayeon stole her away to do some shopping and Sana unnie is, uh, having a war?”
She ends her explanation with a question and a confused frown, like she cannot seem to understand Sana’s quirkiness despite being friends for many years. It makes Chaeyoung chuckle because Mina just seems so relaxed and perfectly fine with everything.
“But I’m not that good.”
“You are! You’re cool when you rap and you’re cute too. You have reverse charms.”
The compliment makes Chaeyoung flush and she can feel the heat rushing to her cheeks. She pretends to cough, turning away to hide the redness in her cheeks.
“Well—” Cough. “Thanks, I guess—” Cough. “How do you—” Another cough. “Want me to help?”
“You can just watch. Tell me when I look stiff.”
The mere thought of just watching Mina makes Chaeyoung feel uncomfortable. She thinks of backing out but all the words die in her throat when Mina holds her by the shoulder and sits her down on the bed.
“Shall I do Cheer Up first?”
Chaeyoung nods and witnesses how Mina steps into her TV persona like a second skin, eyes bright and smile ever ready. She sings softly and fixes a rigid smile that makes Chaeyoung want to laugh. She holds up a hand, telling Mina to pause, and turning away to snicker quietly, shoulders shaking in amusement.
“Are you laughing?” Chaeyoung doesn’t see Mina but she can hear the tone of disbelief and amusement in her voice.
The rapper tries her best to stop but fails, turning back to Mina with a lingering grin on her face. “You need to relax, unnie.”
Lips jut out into a pout and Chaeyoung feels her chest tighten, feeling the need to maybe squeeze the older girl in a hug. Is this why fans call her penguin? Because she’s too cute?
Chaeyoung folds her arms, focusing on giving some good advice to the girl, “I think you just need to let go and enjoy yourself. You don’t have to smile twenty-four seven. Just vary your expressions according to the lyrics. You have that line ‘I’m not showing off or anything’, right? Why not give a smirk or something, look a bit proud?”
This time Mina tries again, following Chaeyoung’s advice, and she pulls it off a thousand times better. Chaeyoung nods furiously in approval – Mina is a fast learner and very adept, even when learning new choreographies. Mina never really acknowledges her position as lead dancer because ‘there are lots of people better, like Tzuyu or Sana’ (in Mina’s words), but Chaeyoung cannot help thinking that the older girl deserves her position.
“Much better. Don’t be nervous and you’ll do just fine, unnie.”
“Can I try 24 Hours?” Mina asks.
“Sure,” the rapper agrees readily.
Mina closes her eyes, trying to get into the mood. It makes Chaeyoung instantly regret her decision because when Mina opens her eyes, Chaeyoung feels her heart jump. There is a dangerous gleam in Mina’s eyes and the corners of her lips have curved into a sultry smirk. Her eyes are pools of dark brown and they lure Chaeyoung in, causing the girl to be mesmerized. It feels like some sort of spell Mina has casted because the rapper cannot seem to think of anything else other than Mina.
She gulps but a lump stays in throat and stifles her, like a collar wrapped tightly around her neck. She bites her inner lip, eyes following the older girl’s every action. Mina is suddenly the icon of femininity and the embodiment of Aphrodite herself, tongue sneaking out to wet her lips. Strands of light brown hair fall over her face and Chaeyoung feels the urge to tuck it behind her ear. She cannot seem to look away and she feels like she’s drowning in dark brown orbs that make her feel so exposed. Something pools at the pit of her stomach and she feels her throat go dry. Chaeyoung is suddenly very aware of the pressure between her hips and Mina looks at her like she knows she’s messing up Chaeyoung in every way possible.
She finally manages to find her voice and she stutters, “S-Stop.”
Mina blinks and all the darkness in her eyes are drained out, warmth and concern rushing back like a broken dam.
“Is something wrong?” Mina steps closer and Chaeyoung finds it hard to breathe.
“W-Washroom,” she croaks out and tries to rush out of the room, only to be held back by Mina.
“Chaeng,” she smiles like she’s looking at her favourite person, “Thank you.”
The rapper feels like she just walked into a trap because Mina conveys so much with her eyes, she doesn’t think Mina needs help with her facial expressions at all. The penguin pulls her into a hug and Chaeyoung feels warm – maybe Mina is just warm?
Mina squeezes her extra tight and Chaeyoung feels the air getting squeezed out of her. Her heart suddenly clenches and she blinks in surprise at the sensation of her chest tightening.
I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, and then all at once.
The quote from John Green suddenly surfaces in her mind and she feels her heart pound in agreement.
Breathing shallow, she lets herself drown in everything that is Mina.
“Anything for you, unnie,” she whispers.
3.) Catch
They’re preparing for their M Countdown stage and Chaeyoung is waiting patiently for the rest to get ready. Tzuyu stands beside her backstage quietly, mentally prepping herself to go on stage. The maknae of the group grabs a bottle of water and sips it before handing it to Chaeyoung. Tzuyu looks thoughtful, like she has a lot on her mind, to which Chaeyoung nudges her, eyebrows raising in question.
“I’m just thinking.”
“About?”
“How we seem to be in cliques.”
The statement has Chaeyoung looking around, only to find Tzuyu’s comment terribly true. Nayeon is talking to Jungyeon. Japan line are huddled together with Sana linking arms with Dahyun. Jihyo is listening intently to the PD, settling the onstage things as the leader of the group.
“Well, it’s not surprising. We are a pretty large group and we all have different backgrounds.”
“Yeah, but look at other groups. Some of them look like sisters. I think we look like classmates,” Tzuyu retorts.
Chaeyoung suddenly realizes that Tzuyu is more than what she seems. To fans, she is known as the savage maknae who burns her unnies but it is times like these when Tzuyu doesn’t act like a maknae at all, far more mature than her physical age.
“Give it some time? We’re all still young and we’re rookies. I’m sure we’ll all get closer as time passes. Don’t worry too much about it.”
“I guess you’re right,” Tzuyu looks down at her shoes, “I just want us to be together for a long time.”
Chaeyoung smiles, blinking back tears that welled up because of Tzuyu’s wish.
“I know. I want that too.”
///
When they’re done recording the first round, everyone goes off to fix their makeup. Tzuyu has some problems with her mic so she goes off to find the audio crew, leaving Chaeyoung to wait for the second round of recording to start.
Someone suddenly slips an arm around hers and she jolts, yelping in surprise. She turns, only to realize that Mina has now latched onto her arm comfortably.
“Chaeng, don’t you need water?”
She shakes her head, “I drank just now already.”
“Hmm,” she hummed. “Have you monitored our first recording?”
“Yeah, unnie, you’ve improved.”
“Really? Thank goodness,” Mina heaves a sigh of relief. “But what were you and Tzuyu talking about earlier? You guys looked so serious, I wanted to come over but I felt like it would be rude to interrupt.”
Knowing that Mina wanted to look for her makes Chaeyoung’s heart swell with happiness. She hears the worry and concern in Mina’s voice and it makes Chaeyoung feel special, like she’s most important to Mina, and the prospect of that has Chaeyoung wringing her hands in nervousness, feeling very much like a high school girl with a crush.
“It wasn’t much. Just talking about our members in general.”
“Did you talk about me?”
Her eyes are twinkling with amusement and there’s a playful smile on her lips that leaves Chaeyoung dumbfounded, mind blank and eyes wide. Mina’s fingers touch Chaeyoung’s arm slightly, dancing on her skin, leaving goose bumps in its wake. The rapper shivers at her touch, getting increasingly sensitive.
Lucky for her, a cameraman shows up wanting to film a backstage interview and Mina lets go of Chaeyoung, stepping aside so that only the younger girl gets filmed. Unconsciously, a sigh of relief makes its way past her lips and she plasters a smile for the camera.
“In Cheer Up, do the lyrics mean that we should push and pull?”
She chuckles a bit before answering, “Of course. That’s how you make them like you more.”
“Which member do you think is the best at push and pull?”
Chaeyoung doesn’t think it through, immediately raising a hand to Mina’s chin, watching the camera swerve towards her. Mina looks at Chaeyoung and makes a face like she has been wrongly accused before she bursts with laughter.
“Pull Mina please,” she tells Chaeyoung, fluttering her eyelashes.
Her heart skips a beat and it’s an understatement to say that Chaeyoung isn’t shocked at the rather aggressive request. However, she disguises her shock by over exaggerating it, using her hands to cover her mouth and widening her eyes.
Mina giggles shyly, leaning into Chaeyoung. Her breath caresses the crook of Chaeyoung’s neck, which leaves her frozen and she has to remind herself that they are on camera.
“The members are weird like this nowadays…”
The cameraman seems satisfied with the content and goes hunting for the other members. The lead dancer trails her fingers along Chaeyoung’s arm before wrapping themselves around her hand firmly.
Chaeyoung cannot help but think it’s Mina pulling her and not the other way round.
4.) Release
Mina’s affections for Chaeyoung end the way you wake up from a really good dream; slowly, and then all at once.
It starts to end when Mina no longer calls her Chaeng Chaeng and she shakes her head when Chaeyoung suggests ‘Only look at Chaeyoung’ as a nickname for Mina at their fan meet.
It isn’t supposed to be a big deal; all in good fun. But Chaeyoung feels otherwise, entirely bothered by Mina’s reaction. Mina smiles but she doesn’t really smile, because she smiles with the stars in her eyes but there’s nothing but blankness and emptiness now. She waves her hand slowly, indicating rejection. The rapper senses something amiss but she cannot pinpoint exactly what because Mina doesn’t even look at her.
It ends when they are at a fan sign and Chaeyoung lists Mina as the person she would date if all the other members were guys and Mina only responds with faux shyness and nothing else.
Chaeyoung talks about how she finds Mina attractive in her photos and videos and Mina just smiles shyly, spinning in her chair with an air of innocence. She doesn’t say anything to that and Chaeyoung is left to wonder if she did something wrong to Mina, because the Mina she has come to know is warm, kind and playful. The Mina she knows always seeks her out, wanting her attention more than anything else. This Mina is nothing like that. This Mina is dismissive and causes Chaeyoung to look down at her shoes in disappointment, unable to mask her emotions in front of hundreds of fans.
It really ends when Mina starts to declare Jungyeon as her ideal type rather than Chaeyoung.
Chaeyoung has her laptop on and she’s watching reruns of Mina’s past interviews. It seems like déjà vu because just a little over a year ago, she was in the exact same position, except that she didn’t fall for Mina’s tricks.
She knows it is a little bitter of her to call Mina’s affections tricks, but she feels betrayed and cheated. She even starts to resent Jungyeon for being the current apple of Mina’s eye. She knows she shouldn’t feel this way about her members; they’re supposed to be bonded and united, like what Tzuyu wants (and what she herself wanted). But this resentment is born out of the jealousy of an eighteen year old girl and she lets herself sink deeper into it, allowing herself invalid excuses of immaturity to show her tantrums.
She is painfully aware of her own detrimental actions, having seen the hurt in Jungyeon’s eyes whenever Chaeyoung distances herself away from her supposed No-Jam brother. She knows her emotions are getting out of hand when both Jihyo and Nayeon need to talk to her alone to find out what’s wrong. (She dismisses it as rebellion and angst that comes with being a teenager, but Chaeyoung herself knows better.)
She turns off her laptop, slamming her laptop in frustration. She cannot bear to see Mina anymore, not when Mina has become so much more to her. She cannot remember a time when she didn’t crave for Mina and everything before Mina has become blurry (and so has her vision.)
She inhales deeply, trying desperately to get rid of all these feelings that are harming both her and the group. Deciding that she needs to get out of the dorm, just anywhere that doesn’t remind her of Mina, she leaves her room, only to encounter Mina, Jungyeon and Sana in the living room.
“Oh, Chaeyoungie, do you want to watch this with us?” Sana asks, noticing Chaeyoung first.
Mina is leaning against Jungyeon and Chaeyoung feels her heart ache somehow.
“I’m going out,” Chaeyoung barely manages.
Jungyeon is looking at her cautiously with wary eyes, but she speaks up anyway, “Want me to accompany you?”
Chaeyoung hides her clenched fists behind her back and she grits her teeth, “Leave me alone.”
The words burn through Jungyeon like ice and Chaeyoung knows the damage has been done. Sana gasps and Jungyeon looks away before getting up and moving quickly to the kitchen.
Her eyes move to Mina and Mina is looking at her differently now. Her eyes flash with disapproval and Chaeyoung can almost hear Mina saying ‘You’re not kind anymore’. Mina’s eyes speak so much, it makes Chaeyoung want to hide somewhere, out of Mina’s sight. Mina makes her feel like a bad person (and maybe she really is.)
“Chaeyoung, is something wrong?” Sana asks, approaching Chaeyoung slowly.
Mina is still looking at her and her eyes are chanting the same word over and over again.
Apologize. Apologize. Apologize.
Jungyeon stumbles out of the kitchen, mumbling out an apology, “Chaeyoungie, I’m sorry. I must have done something wrong.”
Because Mina looks at her without warmth, because Mina no longer directs love-filled gazes at her, because Mina looks at her like a criminal, Chaeyoung apologizes.
“I’m sorry, Jungyeon unnie,” she blurts.
She blinks and the tears she has been trying so hard to keep at bay fall. Even then, she sees how Mina’s eyes stay the same, no longer softening for Chaeyoung. She gasps, feeling like her throat is closing up and she has to fight for air.
The realization hits her then; that Mina no longer loves her.
She doesn’t have an anchor to reality so she runs out in an attempt to escape it. Chaeyoung doesn’t make it far, only just out of the door when she is held back by Sana, who looks grief-stricken at the sight of Chaeyoung’s tears.
“Chaeyoung-ah, you can always tell me what’s wrong, you know,” Sana comforts, pulling Chaeyoung into a warm embrace (but not as warm as a certain someone’s.)
Chaeyoung wishes she could tell Sana everything, but her tongue feels too big for her mouth, so she just sobs into Sana’s blouse, leaving tear stains everywhere.
“Something happened, right?” Sana asks, trying to coax the truth out of Chaeyoung.
Chaeyoung doesn’t find the strength to lie like she did to Jihyo and Nayeon, so she says the bitter truth she has learnt.
“Sana unnie, people fall out of love the same way they fall in it,” she whispers. “Slowly, then all at once.”
5.) Return
Chaeyoung suddenly comes to a wry realization that she herself was right; Mina really is the best at push and pull.
Over time, she watches as Mina stops pining for her but seeks the affection of everyone else. The rest of the members are not really affected by it, usually brushing it off and attributing it to Mina’s naturally clingy nature. Chaeyoung herself doesn’t quite get over it, having to look away whenever she sees Mina with someone else. But she has learnt to control her emotions, making up with Jungyeon and apologizing for her tantrums to all the members. Jungyeon forgives her easily, putting her into a headlock and demanding Chaeyoung to call her hyung.
Sana has not questioned Chaeyoung’s words, and it surprises Chaeyoung because Sana is more sensitive than she looks, with her weird antics with Momo sometimes. While she doesn’t question, she does show a lot more concern to Chaeyoung, never letting her be alone for too long.
Even though her heart never really mends itself back, she feels herself understanding herself and her members a lot better and she’s thankful simply for that.
She’s in the midst of streaming some music and promoting them on instagram when she feels a gentle hand on her shoulder.
“Chaeng Chaeng, what are you doing?”
Her heart starts to beat the way it does whenever Mina is near. She turns and Mina is grinning at her mischievously (like she wants to play). Chaeyoung does a double take because the penguin is looking at her the same way she did when she was still pining over Chaeyoung, like Chaeyoung is her favourite person in the world. Mina’s eyes are bright with the stars in her eyes again and the warmth is back in her eyes.
Chaeyoung now knows that Mina looks at everyone the same way.
But she smiles anyway, “Nothing much. What’s up?”
“Want to help me with the choreography of Truth? I can’t seem to get one part down and we have to film the dance practice soon.”
Mina pouts and Chaeyoung finds herself gravitating towards Mina once again.
“Anything for you, unnie,” Chaeyoung admits says.
Mina laughs softly, like it’s a song meant only for Chaeyoung to hear. (It’s not.)
So, Chaeyoung listens – and the rest of the world is silent.