Going Home

“I think it’s straight,” Kirsch commented as Laura restacked another pile of books. “And aren’t you closed?”

“If I don’t do things with my hands I start to think. And if I start to think I start to imagine Carmilla not coming back.”

“I thought you trusted her now?” Lafontaine was pretending to be listening to Perry showing them tablecloth swatches.

“I do. And it’s irrational, because I know all her stuff is here and her job is here.”

“And you’re here.”

“So she will be coming back.”

“Trust takes time,” Perry said, moving the pieces of cloth around and pretending not to notice Lafontaine’s disinterest. “I think you two are doing the right thing. Waiting for it to grow before you start anything again.”

Everyone always spoke like she and Carmilla had had some epic romance before she had left the first time. Apparently they were only people who hadn’t realised they were doing some form of dating.

Laura’s phone lit up and she snatched it off the desk. A bright smile broke out as she read the text. “She’s coming back tomorrow morning.”

“See.” Kirsch realigned the books Laura has knocked over in her haste.

“I’m going to call her.”

Laura went into the back room as the phone rang. When Carmilla answered she sounded tired but happy.

“Hey.” Laura spoke quietly. Carmilla’s end had no background noise. “Where are you?”

“Motel. Going to get the earliest bus tomorrow. I would have rang sooner.”

“It’s okay. How’s your friend?”

“Not too bad. Isn’t excited about Silas.”

“But we have a whole three bars and a closed down cinema.”

“Madness, right?”

“How are you?”

Carmilla took a moment to answer. “Looking forward to getting back.”

“What are you going to do now?”

Another silence. “I think I know. But we’ll talk when I get home, okay.”

“Carmilla. We talked about secrets.”

“This is the last time I’ll ever ask you to trust me without knowing what’s going on.”

Laura didn’t feel good about it, but let it go. “What are you going to cook me?” she asked instead.

“I can still feel some doubt.”

“Should I have takeout on hand just in case?”

“You know what, Hollis.”

Laura giggled. “You sound tired.”

“I am.”

“I’ll hang up and let you sleep.”

“Don’t do that. I’m not that tired.”

“Goodnight, Carm.”

“Night, Laura.”

//

Laura lay with on her side, Carmilla curled around her. She threaded her fingers with Carmilla, smiling as it caused her to shuffle closer. Her lips pressed, almost unconsciously, onto the back of Laura’s neck. She mumbled sleepily, letting Laura know that she was still vaguely awake. A lot of nights were spent like this recently, with Laura sometimes crying, Carmilla sometimes unnaturally quiet. But it was comfortable and familiar, and Laura didn’t like to spend nights alone anymore.

“Hey.” She rolled over so she was on her back. Carmilla’s arms fell across her stomach and stayed gripped to her hand. She hummed in Laura’s ear. “Why haven’t you kissed me?”

Carmilla’s eyes opened slowly, a small frown furrowing her brow. “Why haven’t I…?”

“Kissed me.”

“Was I supposed to?”

Laura couldn’t help but smile at how confused Carmilla looked. “Yes. I did it first time.”

“I was waiting.”

“For what?”

“You.”

“How long were you planning on doing that?”

“I’ve been doing it for years. A bit longer didn’t seem too bad.”

Carmilla’s dark eyes were slightly cloudy with sleep but still pierced into Laura. She turned fully on her side so they were facing each other.

“You can stop waiting now.”

Carmilla moved forward and kissed Laura gently. One hand cupped her cheek and the other threaded through her hair. Laura pulled Carmilla flush against her, then on top of her.

In three days Carmilla would phone her in the middle of the night, voice panicked and barely making sense. She would ask her to run away, to leave it all behind and start something new. Laura would refuse, and would wake up the next morning to a life without Carmilla Karnstein in it.

//

Laura let the arm holding the lava lamp drop when she saw who was trying to climb through the bedroom window.

“Seriously?” she said, throwing it open.

Carmilla smiled sheepishly. “I used to it all the time. Thought it was cute. Has your window gotten smaller?”

“I think you’ve gotten bigger.”

“Could be it.”

She accepted Laura’s hand to help her in. Laura didn’t even try and contain the joy at seeing her, throwing her arms around her once she had stepped down safely.

“You know my dad isn’t even in,” she said into Carmilla’s hair.

“I know.” She pulled back and grinned at Laura. “I missed you.”

“Sap.”

“It’s weird being back here.” Laura’s room had been redecorated, but everything was still in its same place. “It’s less nerdy.” Laura went over to the closet and opened it. “Except for in there. That is very nerdy.”

“How was your journey?” Laura pulled Carmilla down on the bed to lie next to her.

“Long. Busses are the worse.”

“And your friend?”

“Already complaining. Given her some pain pills and hoping she stays unconscious for a while.” She pushed herself up so she was leaning on her elbows, looking down at Laura. Her eyes flickered down to her lips, and she traced her thumb across her cheekbones. “Remember the last time we were here?”

“Yes.”

“Have I said I’m sorry?”

“No.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Laura nodded slowly. Carmilla leant down and pressed her lips to Laura’s. It was chaste and quick and nothing like what she wanted to do, but still felt like everything.

“I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

“Tomorrow I’ll cook you dinner.” Carmilla laughed at Laura’s change in expression. “Don’t look so apprehensive.” She lay down so her head was tucked into Laura’s neck, smiling as arms pulled her closer. “I told you. I’m good now.”

//

Carmilla sat cross legged on the bed, watching Ell throw the final few things in a bag. She was unsure how she felt, but it was far from happy. Ell straightened up and looked around.

“I think that’s everything,” she said, doing up the bag and throwing it over her shoulder. “If I forget anything will you send it to me?”

“Of course.”

“Thanks.”

“You don’t have to go.”

Ell smiled at her sadly. “I don’t want to uproot you.”

“It was your apartment.”

“It’s okay. My new one is much bigger.”

She smiled again, tilting her head at Carmilla.

“It’s okay,” she repeated.

“It’s not.”

Carmilla followed her out of the bedroom and into the living room, leaning on the counter while Ell scanned the apartment. Her art was still on the walls and whatever cushions she always brought, despite Carmilla’s protests, still adorned the sofa, but there was less clutter and half of the bookshelves were empty.

Ell placed her bag next to her cases and turned to face Carmilla.

“It will be.”

“You don’t have to go,” Carmilla tried again.

“I really do.”

“Why?”

“Because.” Ell approached Carmilla and stood between her legs, pushing her hair from her eyes and leaning their foreheads together. “You made me fall in love with you, you bastard.” She said it with a smile, though her eyes were shining. Carmilla closed hers so she didn’t have to see. “And that wasn’t supposed to be part of the deal.”

“I do love you.”

“I know.” Ell gently gripped her chin and kissed her, causing Carmilla to open to her eyes. “But not like her.”

Carmilla shook her head. “It’s been three years.”

“You still love her.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It really does. And you’re never going to be happy unless you either get over her or get her back.”

“I was happy with you.”

“Not truly happy. There’s a difference. And I’ll never be truly happy being in love with someone who is in love with someone else.”

“I’m sorry.”

Ell kissed her again, this time with more force. Carmilla’s hands moved to her back and pulled her forward, but Ell broke the kiss and leant back. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“She was never mine to begin with.”

“She can be.”

Carmilla shook her head. “I don’t want you to go.”

After a final kiss Ell stepped back. “I have to.”

Carmilla sighed and closed her eyes, gripping the edge of the counter. “I know,” she whispered.

A kiss was pressed against her forehead and she was pulled into a hug. “Be happy,” Ell said into her hair.

“You too.”

Ell didn’t look back as she picked up her bag and case and left the apartment. Carmilla sunk onto the sofa and let herself cry.

//

“You could help, you know.”

“I have a head injury.” Danny looked away from the row of paintings on the living room wall to where Carmilla was throwing things into a box. “Are you keeping these?” She gestured to the paintings of the stern Karnstein’s looking down at them.

Carmilla shrugged. “Throw them, probably. Unless you know anyone wanting to buy four generations worth of family portraits.”

“I can ask around but I doubt it. Do you have one?”

“No. They get done at twenty one. I already had a lucrative blackmail career by that stage.” She scanned the paintings. All dark haired and regal looking. “I think I’ll keep Will’s,” she added quietly. “Won’t hang it up, that would be weird. But I’ll keep it.”

Danny nodded silently. She refused to use crutches, and used the couch and chairs as leverage to keep her standing as she moved. “What the hell do we do now?” she sighed, sinking into a chair and massaging her temples.

Carmilla straightened up from where she was deciding whether to keep and expensive looking vase or sell it. “I told you. Lay low. Betty will make it all blow over. Then we can all do whatever we want, as long as we’re subtle about it.”

“And you trust Betty?”

“I trust that she’s getting a lot of money and will get a lot more once I’m sure we won’t be killed.” She opted on sell, and placed it carefully in a box labelled that.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Danny asked.

Carmilla sighed. “I thought we went through this.”

“It’s your family house.”

“Yes, my dead or absent family. I don’t want to keep it. I don’t want anything in it. There’s a lot of money in the Karnstein name, and apparently in the Karnstein house.” Danny still looked unsure and slightly guilty. “I would have sold it anyway. Getting us out is just an added bonus. And once this blows over your share will get you anywhere you want.”

“That’s another thing. My share?”

“You did get the shit beat out of you.”

“You don’t need to feel guilty about that.”

“That’s not why. It gets you out of my hair. Don’t need you sleeping on my couch because you can’t afford a place.”

“Ah, that’s why.”

“Purely selfish reasons.”

“Right.” Danny phone went off and she glanced down at it. She sighed heavily, standing up and heading to the hallway. “I best go. The tall idiot insisted on showing me around.”

“Kirsch,” Carmilla supplied with a grin. Danny waved a hand, indicating the name didn’t really matter. She was about to leave until Carmilla called her name. “Look, I’m only going to say this once, so make the most of it.” She took a deep breath. “I’m very glad you’re not dead, okay.”

Danny grinned. “Your girl’s making you soft, Karnstein.”

“Whatever. Try not to faint. The hospital is miles away.”

“Enjoy your date.”

“Enjoy yours.”

Danny grimaced. “Don’t even joke.”

//

Carmilla watched from the car as the body was dragged from the water.

“We did that,” she said.

Danny’s hands tightened on the steering wheel. “No. We didn’t.”

“Lawrence.”

She was silent, before sighing and letting her hands fall. “Okay, fine, we did. But he was a killer and a dealer, so it won’t be keeping me up at night.”

“But what if one day it isn’t a killer and a dealer.”

“What do you want to do? Go round politely asking the gangsters we do work for to not kill people.”

It hadn’t started like this. Ell had left and Carmilla had carried on what the two of them had always done. Now she’d picked the wrong client and someone was dead.

“Quit,” she decided.

Danny snorted a laugh. “I don’t think people like us just quit.”

“Do you want to carry on?”

Danny watched the scene with an unreadable expression. Finally she sighed. “No.”

“Then we quit.”

“How?”

Carmilla had been wondering how for a while. “Any pride that stops you from running away?”

“Absolutely none.”

“Remember I told you about my old town?”

//

Laura knocked on Carmilla’s door, then rethought that idea and tried the bell. Carmilla answered, wearing a chef’s hat and apron.

“Cute,” remarked Laura.

“Got to look the part.”

She stepped back to let Laura in, who’s eyebrows raised in surprise. “It smells good.”

“I told you, I practiced.”

“What are you cooking?”

“Risotto.”

“You couldn’t even boil rice.”

Carmilla shrugged and led Laura into the kitchen. The smell just got stronger and more appetising as they walked, and Laura’s stomach began to grumble. She was glad she hadn’t filled up on bread beforehand, like she used to when Carmilla invited her around for dinner.

The risotto was on the stove and the table had a candle on it, and Laura beamed at the domesticity of the whole situation.

“What?” Carmilla asked. She even looked cute in a chef’s hat, and Laura couldn’t help but step forward and kiss her.

“Did you have to buy this or did you have one lying around?” She tapped the hat so it fell off, smiling as Carmilla blinked away the surprise at the kiss.

“I brought one with me.”

“Seriously?”

“I’m very committed to this joke. And as much as I would like to continue, if you don’t move your hand I’m going to be distracted and the risotto will burn.”

Laura took her hand from Carmilla’s waist, too committed to the smell of the food to try anything. She poured wine as Carmilla stirred.

“I saw boxes,” Laura said. She sounded casual, and Carmilla glanced to see her looking relaxed.

“I’m selling the house.”

The casualness faltered slightly as Laura nearly dropped her glass, but she recovered. “You are?”

“It’s too big. And it was never really home, anyway.”

“What about all the stuff in it?”

“Selling that too.”

“That’s going to be a lot of money.”

“I believe the correct economic term is a shit load.”

Laura laughed. “Where will you live?”

“Bernie’s selling his house.”

“The one by the river?”

Carmilla nodded. “He’s moving in with his son. I’m going to see it tomorrow, but I’m pretty sure I’ll take it.” She turned around, leaning against the counter to face Laura. “Want to come?”

“To look at it?”

“Yeah. Never know, you might be living there one day.”

“Someone’s pretty confident,” Laura smiled. “You haven’t even asked me.”

“And I will, one day. But we should probably try this dating thing first. And I know you wouldn’t want to just up and leave your dad.” Laura looked down. Carmilla turned the heat low and moved to Laura, trapping her against the counter. She rested her forehead against Laura’s. “This feels permanent. I’ve never really had that. You’ve been the only thing to ever make me feel that. And we have time, and a lack of obstacles, and I would very much like this to be permanent.”

Laura surged forward and kissed her, pulling her close. “Me too,” she whispered, and then grinned against Carmilla’s lips.

//

Carmilla sat on the bus. She had no possessions but a backpack and very little money. Problems would no doubt follow her and she had people she needed to look after.

As the driver announced that they had arrived at Silas, she couldn’t help the rush of excitement that filled her. She didn’t know what would happen, but she knew there was a girl in a bookstore that she couldn’t wait to see again.