Chapter 2
The commercial break is hectic. Crew members are running with water bottles and quick makeup fixes. Indra’s assistant runs onstage to give the talk show host her cellphone since her husband Marcus kept calling. Lexa and Clarke are awkwardly staring out at the live audience, too afraid to look at the other.
Lexa has tried very hard after their last meeting five years ago to move on. She never could though, so instead the brunette has settled to try and block out all things Clarke. Clarke is an author so she usually stays out of the media in comparison to Lexa who reluctantly is always in the middle of a media frenzy. Lexa heard about Clarke’s wedding to a Dr. Roan Winters on a snowy December day. She heard about the birth of Clarke’s son Aden Griffin. She has even seen pictures of the little family on Lincoln and Octavia’s fridge on the rare occasion she has the free time to visit her cousin and his wife. Aden has Clarke’s hair and her eyes. If Lexa can’t have Clarke, at least she knows her love is happy. It’s just heartbreaking that happiness isn’t with her.
Everyone gets back into positions and Lexa finally moves her gaze from the audience to Clarke to find the blonde already staring at her. Clarke has a soft smile but her eyes are loaded and emotional. Nervous and affectionate perhaps. And sad. Definitely sad. These type of reunions always are a special type of bittersweet.
“And we are back! During our break, my staff randomly chose fan questions from the audience. Since this interview ‘has no limits,’ the fans were encouraged to ask anything and everything on their minds. And let me tell you, some of these are very very juicy.” Indra’s voice is collected and pristine. She has her stage presence perfected.
“Question number one is from Gracie. Gracie’s from Florida. Her question is to both Clarke and Lexa. How many people have you two hooked up with since the split?” Indra says in a juicy tone. Both Clarke and Lexa’s faces pale considerably and they refuse to make eye contact. They should have never agreed to the ‘no questions off limits’ clause.
The live audience lets out a collective ‘ooo’ mixed with some rowdy hollering. Both girls considerably pale and stare at their feet.
“Isn’t that extremely personal?” Lexa asks, a little irked that Indra (a close friend of hers) had the audacity to ask such a deeply intimate question to her and Clarke. Lexa is both dying to know the answer and hopes to never have to hear again about Clarke with someone other than her.
“Hey you both said that no question is off limits.” Indra chuckles a little to try and ease tension. Lexa looks like she’s about to protest further when Clarke speaks up.
“Seven.” Clarke says quietly, refusing to look over at Lexa. Lexa’s eyes widen and she swallows down the tears threatening to spill. She definitely did not want to hear that. Seven other people have seen Clarke naked. Seven other people have her moans at climax and witnessed the beauty of her face mid orgasm. Seven more people have been with Clarke in a way that once only Lexa had. Lexa can feel the air leaving her body. She feels lightheaded. White hot jealousy course through her veins.
The crowd goes wild at Clarke’s admission. The blonde looks over at Lexa with an apologetic look and sad smile. This is hard for the both of them. They don’t want to picture the other with someone else. It’s all too much for the former couple.
“And how about you, Lexa??” Indra lightly probes, hoping she’s not pushing her luck.
“Four. I’ve been with four other people.” Lexa bluntly says, burning a hole in Indra’s face while she’s at it. Both her manager and Indra’s people will be hearing an earful later.
Clarke’s heart stops for a second and her stomach is in knots. She knows Lexa has been with other people. I mean it’s been years. Plus, a couple of years ago Lexa and some actress bitch Luna Simmons were all over the gossip magazines. Clarke was insanely jealous and she had no right to be. At this point, her and Roan were still in a good place..or so it seemed. He couldn’t understand why she still got so angry when she saw a magazine with Lexa and this Luna girl plastered on it.
“Four hmm. One of them being Luna Simmons, yes? Tell us why that love affair ended after only a few months. You two made a lovely pair.” Indra says sweetly.
“Luna is an amazing woman. We just realized we were better off as friends.” Lexa says truthfully. After Lexa find out Clarke had her baby, she wanted to drown herself in something or someone. That’s when Luna Simmons came into her life. Lexa was never one for one night stands and that’s one of the main reasons her sex life was lacking for the most part after the blonde. She just couldn't commit to another relationship. She only wanted Clarke. She was lonely and Clarke having a child with someone else cemented to Lexa that Clarke will never be hers again. Luna was her costar in a huge action film in New Zealand. The curly haired woman would flirt with her shamelessly so Lexa knew she was interested. Lexa got a call from Lincoln that Clarke gave birth to a boy and she started to cry, tears of happiness for her love and tears of sorrow for what they lost. Luna heard her outside her trailer and came in to comfort her. A bottle of whiskey later, they were in bed together. It became routine. It was about comfort and having somewhere there when they were lonely. Two months after the film ended, they called it quits. Both knew that their dalliance wouldn’t result in a relationship. Come to think of it, they are actually still good friends who occasionally share a night together.
Lexa spares a glance over to Clarke. Clarke is playing with her hands, refusing to look at Lexa. Lexa squints her eyes a little. If she didn’t know any better, Clarke looks jealous. But Clarke is married to that surgeon last she heard. Right?
Indra nods her head, accepting the answer before turning her attention to Clarke.
“So Clarke, seems like you’ve had your fair share of fun before settling down with your husband Roan Winters. How’s married life treating you two?” Indra asks, positive she’s asking a safe question. Truthfully, she feels bad for all the probing into her two close friends personal lives but it’s good television and her producers are forcing her to ask these questions.
But suddenly Clarke’s whole exterior changes. He straight posture falters slightly and she paints a fake smile on her face. Clarke takes a deep breath and looks over at a confused yet ever so curious Lexa. Lexa narrows her heads and takes in Clarke’s beautiful features. Those blue eyes she loves so are aching with defeat and sadness. Clarke looks like she’s about to drop a bomb.
“Me and Roan are separated as of a month ago. He is a good father and a compassionate man but we just don’t fit together. We both understand that now.” Clarke rasps out, her eyes never leaving Lexa’s. Lexa’s eyes widen almost comically. The green eye actresses heart starts beating wildly in her chest to the point where she thinks she’s going to explode if she doesn’t calm herself. Clarke and her husband are separated. Does this mean?... No it means nothing. This doesn’t mean her and Clarke could have their forever..does it?
The audience lets out a series of gasps and shocked expressions. Nobody could say this interview wasn’t interesting.
“Oh Clarke, I am so sorry.” Indra comfortingly grabs Clarke’s hand and squeezes reassuringly. Lexa just sits there absolutely dumbfounded, trying to process this revelation. She was so sure Clarke and her would never have their chance. But maybe someday? Lexa fought her feelings so hard for so long. And now. Well now, she can feel them bubbling at the surface yet again. Her love for Clarke was never far from her heart. Lexa tries to remind herself that just because Clarke is no longer with her husband, does not mean she wants Lexa back. But god. Lexa has hope again and that’s the most dangerous thing to give a hopeless romantic like herself.
“It’s okay. It wasn’t meant to be. We are still good friends. I know people say that but it’s actually true. Our main focus is being the best parents we can for Aden. It’s an amicable split.” Clarke says and finally breaks her gaze with a still in shock Lexa. Clarke is smiling genuinely. Her and Roan weren’t meant to be, she knows that now. Secretly, she might have always known that.
Lexa knows she shouldn’t be happy about this news. She truly wants Clarke to be happy and to find out she’s not, is heartbreaking. A little part of herself knows deep down that she might be the only one able to give Clarke that true happiness she hopes her love will one day find. But she quickly swallows that notion as fast as it enters her mind.
“Next question is from Francesca. Francesa is from Colorado. She’s asking you two: What’s the real reason behind your breakup?” Indra at least looks apologetic when she asks this one, knowing full well it’s a sore topic for both girl.
“That’s extremely private but the truth is that..” Clarke says defensively and shakes her head. “Lexa and I...we grew apart. That’s all. Sometimes people just fall out of love with you.” Clarke says the last sentence quietly and it shatters Lexa’s composure. Indra looks over and can tell the actress is struggling with what Clarke just said and decides to change the conversation to lighter topics. She can’t torture them any longer. If her producers have a problem with it they’ll just have to shove it.
“Well onto other topics, I heard that you’re writing a new book! Care to share any details on that?” Indra lightly asks Clarke. Clarke is too busy worriedly staring at Lexa, who clearly has tears in her eyes. Indra tries but fails to get Clarke’s attention.
“Clarke?” Indra asks again, her smile faltering a little. Maybe she pushed the former couple a little too far.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?” Clarke breaks out of her trance and looks back over at Indra.
“I was saying-” Indra starts talking but is cut off by Lexa’s hoarse emotional whisper.
“That’s not true.” Lexa confidently says and Clarke whips her head to stare at her.
“Lex…” Clarke says her name and it feels so natural.
“Do you really think I could ever stop loving you?” Lexa gently says as if the very notion of falling out of love with Clarke is impossible. And to Lexa, perhaps it is.
The crowd and Indra go eerily silent, intent on watching the former lovers have their first real meaningful conversation in much too long...on live television no less.
“I...I don’t really know. You just left me.” Clarke mumbles insecurely.
“It wasn’t because of a lack of love. God Clarke, have you thought I didn’t love you all this time? Even after that night in London?” Lexa asked, desperately wiping her few stray tears away.
“Lexa we shouldn’t be talking like this on air.” Clarke tries but Lexa shakes her head.
“I don’t care what people think.” Lexa says firmly. She never has cared. Why start now?
“I..I’m not sure what I thought. You were gone. What was I supposed to think?”
“Lexa, why did you leave?” Indra asks, trying to get control of the interview again. Clearly, there was no turning back now.
Lexa closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. She’s going to reveal everything now. It’s now or never. She never thought she would have such an intimate conversation with Clarke on public tv but that’s life. It’s messy and unexpected.
“I felt hollow and broken. I felt like a shell of a person and I pushed Clarke away because of it. It took me years to finally go see a doctor and that’s when I was diagnosed with depression. It’s by no means an excuse or ‘get out of jail free card’ per say. I left the love of my life and by the time I finally felt like me again..well, I was too late.” Lexa shakily says. She’s usually private about this but she needs it out in the open finally. She’s tired of living in the dark.
“Lexa oh my god.” Clarke gasps out and her hand flies to her mouth. “I had no idea.” Clarke says the words as if it’s an apology. Tears and mascara runs down her face.
“I didn’t want you to. I wanted you to live your life without any burdens.” Lexa sadly smiles and hesitantly inches closer to Clarke to wipe her tears away.
“Don’t you get it? You were never a burden. You were my everything. You didn’t just take away our fighting when you left Lexa, you took away my heart. I..I don’t think I ever got it back either.” Clarke says while staring ever so deeply in Lexa’s puffy eyes.
“What are you saying?” Lexa says breathlessly.
“I’m saying..” Clarke finally looks around the room and sees the audience on the edge of their seats, not a dry eye in the house..including Indra who is sniffling from her chair.
“I’m saying let’s get out of here.”