Everything is broken, including myself.
She had rung Jesse as soon as she’d left the house, he didn’t even ask what was wrong but he could tell from her voice that something wasn’t right, and before she’d even asked for him to come and get her, he was putting his shoes on and grabbing his keys.
Beca spent the new few hours curled up crying on Jesse’s sofa; her phone turned off to shut out her friends who had been repeatedly calling and texting her.
Jesse didn’t ask her to tell him what was wrong, he knew to wait until she was ready to talk, but it was hard to watch his friend like this.
After another 20 minutes of flat out crying, it subsided to sniffling, and Beca wiping the tears off of her face.
‘I’m ready.’ Beca said quietly. ‘Like, to talk I guess.’
The boy turned to face Beca with concern in his eyes. ‘Okay’.
‘It’s erm, like it’s hard. I mean I feel like I’ve done my fair share of talking today and I suck at it, but I don’t know what else to do.’ She shrugged, her bottom lip trembling. ‘I need you to just tell it’s going to be okay. I need to feel like my whole world isn’t ending at this very moment.’
‘Bec.’ Jesse said softly, a sadness in his eyes. ‘You can tell me anything, you know that. And everything is going to be okay.’
She nodded at her friend. ‘Chloe’s getting married.’
‘Oh.’
‘And I told her that I love her.’ Beca stopped and then chuckled. ‘Well, actually I told her I love her, and that it was killing me, and that seeing her with him was killing me so I can’t be at her wedding.’
Jesse took a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘She told me she needed me.’ She ran her hands through her hair, eyes threatening to spill tears again. ‘And I’ve let her down again, because I was-because I am hurting, and I didn’t even think about what it was doing to her. I can’t believe my brain betrayed me and told everyone my stupid feelings.’
This sudden realisation hit Beca hard, and she could feel her heart rate pick up a little in panic. She had let her best friend down.
‘Woah, hold on.’ Jesse snapped Beca out of her thoughts. ‘Beca, I know you feel like you’ve done something terrible, but you can’t keep doing this. You can’t suffer for everyone else’s benefit, and as much as it feels like a bad thing; you sometimes need to put yourself first.’
She shook her head gently. ‘But…I don’t know how to be without her? It’s like she’s such a massive part of my life, and I’ve ruined it all by falling in love with her.’
‘This doesn’t mean everything is over Becs.’ Jesse said softly. ‘Do you…should I text one of the others to let them know you’re safe?’
Beca nodded lightly. ‘Please.’
She sighed heavily, going through everything that had happened that day. She leant into Jesse, until she was comfortable with her head on his lap and his arms were around her. And she fell into a restless sleep remembering the look on Chloe’s face when she had told her.
How can this not mean that everything is over when I feel like everything is broken, including myself?