Strangers On A Bench

Chapter 52 : Maybe They Didn’t Need To Choose Anymore

Song : Find You Here by Alex G

Anya was walking as fast as she could in the dark street, trying to get as much distance with Arcadia as she could. Raven had snuck into Azgeda’s servers behind her back, when she had expressly forbidden her to.

But it was even more than that; Raven had betrayed her truth. She had betrayed her, for the group. It was what Anya had feared; the group was coming first, and Raven would always choose them. And Anya was angry, so angry, because she cared deeply about the girl, like never in her life she had allowed herself to have such strong feelings. She was also angry because she knew and understand why Raven would always put the group first. Hell, Anya would put Lexa first. It had been inevitable with Raven, but somehow, she had thought that maybe, maybe something was possible. Maybe Anya wouldn’t be the one being left behind, maybe Anya could be part of that group, so she was never left out. Looked like she was wrong.

But then, she heard someone call her name. She turned around; Raven was running towards her, begging her to wait. Anya frowned. Raven was running. Anya was angry at her, but not enough to not care about Raven running; she was going to hurt herself with her brace and everything, and Anya wasn’t mad at the girl enough to let her suffer.

So Anya waited until Raven was in front of her.

“Thank you” Raven said, breathless. They stared at each other for a few seconds, waiting for Raven to regain her breath.

“This is not how I wanted you to find out” Raven murmured after a while, eyes shining.

Anya snorted. “Were you even going to tell me?”

Raven looked at the ground. She didn’t know.

Anya sighed, seeing Raven hadn’t even answered the question. She saw the girl shiver and decided they could do that somewhere else than in the middle of the street.

“Come on” Anya said, gesturing at Raven to follow her. “My place is not far from here”.

In the Blake’s apartment, Echo was trying to gain Octavia’s attention; this girl was intriguing her, and she was wondering why not even one of Nia’s spies had managed to take a picture of her.

“So Echo” Octavia said, surprising Echo who hadn’t heard her coming, “For how many years have you been a cop?”

Echo tried to act like Octavia hadn’t sneak up on her. She had to admit she was surprised; Echo was well trained, and she was never, never surprised like this. Echo gritted her teeth, and blamed the wine they had for dinner.

“Eight years, maybe” Echo shrugged, answering Octavia’s question. It was not exactly the truth. Officially, she was a cop, but she had done a lot of jobs during those years which had nothing to do with being cop.

Octavia hummed, beginning to wash the dishes. Echo grabbed a dishcloth to help her.

“What about you? What is there to know about Bellamy’s little sister?” Echo said, a playful smile on her lips.

“Nothing” Octavia shrugged. “Just an ordinary girl”.

“You’ll forgive me if I tell you I don’t buy it?” Echo smirked.

“Well” Octavia chuckled, “A girl is free to think what she wants!”

Echo chuckled back at the GOT reference as they continued to wash the dishes in silence. But Echo’s mind was running full speed; who was Octavia?

Anya was leaning against the counter, while Raven didn’t know where to put herself.

“I’m sorry, Anya” Raven finally spoke, “I didn’t want to do it behind your back but...”

“But you did” Anya ended her sentence. “When I had forbidden you to”.

“You have to understand” Raven pleaded, “We needed those data, we...”

“We?” Anya cut her off.

“Us, the group, Clarke, and...”

“They’ll always come first” Anya let a long sigh escape, “Won’t they?”

Raven’s eyes widened, understanding what Anya was implying. “Anya, that’s different, we’ve been through...”

“A lot of things together, I know” Anya said again. “Is this going to be your excuse every time you want to justify yourself?”

Anya was beginning to raise her voice and get angry; she was really trying not to snap at Raven, but frustration was growing inside her.

“We always did what we had to do to survive!” Raven raised her voice in return, “What would you expect us to do?”

“But I’m not the enemy, Raven!” Anya growled back, “That’s not me you have to fight!”

“BUT I’M NOT SURE YOU CAN BE TRUSTED!” Raven shouted, finally getting her deep thoughts out of her chest. Her eyes widened at the second the words were out.

“There it is” Anya said with sadness written all over her voice, and defeated. “The real problem is, you won’t ever trust me like you trust them, will you?”

“Anya” Raven murmured, feeling she had hurt the other girl pretty bad, “You know that’s different...”

“But it shouldn’t be” Anya sighed again, beginning to pace into the room, “We are supposed to be one person, together, go through life together” “Anya said, trying really hard to keep her voice from breaking, “Or is it not your idea of a relationship?”

“So now, we are in a relationship...?” Raven half-asked half-stated, an eye brow raised. She knew she wasn’t playing fair, but Anya was so secretive too, Raven never knew what the girl was thinking about, what her feelings were, and it was driving her crazy for a while now.

“Don’t you dare tell me we’re not” Anya said, picking up a more serious tone, pointing Raven with her finger. “Kissing each other means being in a relationship. Sleeping in the same bed cuddling almost every night means being in a relationship” Anya gritted her teeth. “I am as scared as you are, Raven. But I let my walls down for you, I broke every principle I had, for you. Because we mean something to each other, Raven, and we are supposed to share something together. We’re supposed to go through hard times together, to help each other”.

“I never asked for your help!” Raven retorted, “I don’t need anyone to...”

“Will you please stop acting tough for once and just accept you’re a cripple who needs it!” Anya cut her off by yelling, immediately putting her hand on her mouth when the words were out.

Raven, chocked, didn’t move, barely blinked. Something had snapped inside her. She was seeing them all, all the people who had hurt her, or insulted her because of her brace. The situations she had found herself into, stuck somewhere because she couldn’t run away or walk fast enough.

Anya didn’t know what to say. Nothing could erase the words. “Raven...” She took a step towards the girl, but Raven quickly took a few steps back, putting distance between them and motioning to Anya not to approach her. She shook her head, her face blank from all emotions. She slowly turned around, grabbed her coat, without saying a single word.

She got out of the apartment, leaving Anya alone. Anya let a sob escape her lips. What the fuck had she done?

Lexa woke up in a jump, hearing someone knock on the door repeatedly. Clarke turned around in the bed, awake too.

“What’s that noise?” Clarke asked, whispering to Lexa.

“I don’t know. Look like there’s someone at the door” Lexa whispered back, searching around for her phone to light the way.

They both got up, walking on their toes to be as discreet as they could. There was indeed someone knocking on their door.

“Don’t open” Clarke pleaded, “What if it’s someone trying to harm us?”

Lexa lightly rolled her eyes trying to reassure Clarke. “If someone had wanted to harm us, he wouldn’t have knocked, love”.

Clarke huffed, and took a step back so Lexa could open the door.

The door opened, and they were quite surprised. Anya was standing there, tears strains on her cheeks, eyes red and looking terrible.

“Anya...?” Lexa murmured, not having seen her cousin in this state since the day her parents died, “What happened...?”

Anya sniffled, getting into the loft so Lexa could close the door. “Uhm, Raven and I, we had a fight...” Anya started, looking at Clarke; she knew Clarke had to be aware of Raven’s actions, and she wanted to know if Clarke had talked to Lexa about it before mentioning the reason of their fight. She didn’t want to create another couple fight.

“Oh” Clarke acknowledged, seeing the look Anya was giving her, “You know”.

Lexa frowned, confused. “Know what?”

Clarke sighed. She hadn’t planned to tell Lexa about it yet but since Anya was there she didn’t have a lot of different choices. She opened her mouth to talk, but then Ayden came into the living-room, probably awake and out of bed because of the noise they had made.

“Mommy? Yexa?” He asked, frowning a bit, confused as why they were all standing in the living-room in the middle of the night.

Anya sadly smiled at the boy; he had the same facial expressions as Lexa, sometimes, and it was really sweet to see. And heart-breaking  too; to see Ayden had taken more things from Lexa, than from his father.

“Anya, could you put Ayden back into bed while I explain everything to Lexa real quick?” Clarke gently asked, looking at Anya and her son to see if they were both ok with it.

“Yey!” Ayden happily said, already holding his tiny hand so Anya could lead him back to his room. Anya threw a grateful look at Clarke; spending time with the boy was really what she needed.

Clarke and Lexa were still standing in the living-room, Lexa’s eyes not leaving Clarke’s, very intrigued by all the mystery her cousin and she seemed to hold.

Clarke didn’t wait to talk; this discussion was inevitable. “So you remember when I told you we wanted to access Azgeda servers to look for data and stuff regarding Skaikru business?”

Lexa nodded. “Anya had forbidden Raven to do so. For her protection. For everyone’s protection”.

Clarke sighed. “Well, she went to look into it today anyways” the Blonde didn’t miss the hard look Lexa had on her face, “And I guess Anya found out about it somehow”.

“That’s the reason you wanted me to trust you, earlier? The thing you were hiding from me?” Lexa asked, trying to connect the pieces.

“Yes” Clarke nodded. “We found some things, but I wanted to be sure about it first, and I wanted to bring the news to Anya and you myself, making it sound like I had done it”.

“Why?” Lexa asked, confused.

“Raven did it for me” Clarke sighed again, “And I have to protect her”.

“Clarke, from what I’ve seen, Raven is tough enough to look after herself” Lexa protested.

“Except she would sacrifice everything for me, for us” Clarke insisted, “She thinks she owes me, for everything, and she’s never putting herself first”.

Lexa chuckled at Clarke’s words. “But love, you’re like that too” Lexa said, taking Clarke’s hands in hers, “You would die for them, do unspeakable things, for them. I’ve watched every each of you” Lexa confessed with a smile, “And you’re all like that. Living for the group. Putting the others first. This is why you’re a strong family, and this is how you all survived together”.

“But it’s different for me, I...” Clarke started, only to be stopped by Lexa.

“It is not” Lexa said. “Just because you’re their leader doesn’t mean you have to take the blame for everything they do”.

“Except I do” Clarke answered, “That’s what it means, to be a leader. You take responsibility for everyone under your command”.

Lexa stayed silent a few seconds; Clarke too, both thinking about what to say next.

“I’m sorry I hid that from you” Clarke confessed in a whisper. Clarke hated hiding things from Lexa, she hated it so much; but she had to think about the group, too.

“You did what you thought was right” Lexa admitted in a calm and somehow defeated voice. The Brunette knew Clarke would always be driven to put the others first; to put them first. She wasn’t really ok with it yet, because she was on the other side, fearing of being left-out, but she knew it was how Clarke was, and that even she could not do anything to change that. She had to trust Clarke on this; and as scary as it sounded, she trusted her.  

“I trust you, Lexa” Clarke whispered, taking Lexa’s hands in hers. “You have to believe that. But you also have to believe that I will always want to protect you too” Clarke confessed. “Even if it means hiding stuff from you until I’m sure it’s not a direct threat to you, or Ayden”.

Lexa sadly smiled. “I understand”.

“Good” Clarke offered a tiny smile in return. Then, it disappeared as Clarke was opening her mouth again. “I’m sorry for going behind Anya’s back” Clarke sighed.

“You didn’t” Lexa said. “Raven did”.

She saw Clarke was going to protest once again, and quickly spoke again.

“Raven made a choice on her own. You’re not guilty of that” Lexa then settled. “Anya is hurt, but she’ll recover. She doesn’t quite know how your group works yet; she cannot see, but she’ll understand soon. Go look after Raven” Lexa said, already putting Clarke’s coat around her shoulders, “And tell her it’s ok”.

Clarke nodded, love spreading in every part of her body for this wonderful and understanding woman she got to call hers. And Clarke was grateful, so grateful. They quickly shared a kiss on the lips before Clarke was out in the night, texting Raven so she could find her.

Anya went to put Ayden back into bed as Lexa and Clarke were talking into the living-room.

“You’re okay, Aya?” Ayden sweetly asked with a concerned frown on his forehead.

“I will be” Anya said with a tiny voice.

Ayden laid back under his covers, and then gestured for Anya to come lay next to him. He was still a small boy after all, this bed was too big for him alone.

“Why are you sad, Aya?” he said, turning on his side so he could see Anya’s face.

Anya chuckled, because nothing seemed to escape the boy.

“I had a fight with Raven” Anya confessed. No need to lie; she was feeling like she could talk to Ayden as if he was much older than five.

Ayden immediately frowned. “What fight?”

Anya immediately understood Ayden’s concerns. “We said some bad things at each other, and we yelled at each other because we were mad and upset. We didn’t hit each other, I promise”.

“I know” He hummed. “You are good persons”.

Anya sadly chuckled. She really hoped she was, at least.

“You know, Rae is really kind and funny” Ayden then said, “She won’t be mad for long”.

“I really hope so” Anya sighed.

“Yexa says it’s ok for grown-ups to fight when they don’t agree with each other” He told Anya, getting closer to her so he could lay on her chest, “She says it means they don’t let the other person walk on their feet. But that you also have to respect the person you’re fighting with”.

“It’s kind of true” Anya had to admit, getting more comfortable on the tiny bed.

“And Mommy says that, when you really love someone, you have to try to understand the reasons why they disagree with you. Because people have history, and that fights are almost always because of something we fear” Ayden repeated her mother’s words.

Anya smiled; she wasn’t sure if the boy really understood what he was saying, but it was sure making Anya think and re-think things. Then, she felt Ayden’s breath calm down, a sign he was slowly falling asleep. Anya considered getting out of his bed to go back into the living-room, but figured out staying with him for a few more minutes wouldn’t hurt.

Clarke was actively walking towards Arcadia. There was only one place Raven could have gone to, the place where she was going every time she was really shook by something; Clarke’s apartment in Arcadia. Boy, how many breakdowns they had helped each other through, in this crappy apartment and on this couch they were not sure it really was a couch.

On her way, Clarke called Raven’s phone to make sure the girl was safe. Raven picked up at the other end of the line, but did not talk. Clarke wasn’t surprised; she was expecting it, and was even glad Raven had picked her call up.

“Rae” Clarke gently said, “Anya came here, at Lexa’s place, told us you two had a fight. I’m on my way to Arcadia, to stay with you. Are you there already?”

On the other end of the phone, there wasn’t an answer, but Clarke knew she was listening.

“It’s ok, Raven. I will be here in five minutes tops. Hang on until then, ok?” Clarke was hurrying herself. She knew what state Raven was in. If she wasn’t in arcadia soon enough, Raven would have a panic attack and would be alone through it; it could last hours, and it was the most awful thing Raven could have gone through.

“I’m staying on the phone, ok Raven?” Clarke kept talking, trying to prevent Raven’s panic attack from happening, “I’m here.”

Clarke was at the foot of the building, and ran into the stairs to get to Raven, not bothering to look for her keys as Raven had already opened the apartment’s door.

Clarke busted into her place, Raven leaning against her couch, eyes opened but not looking at anything. Clarke dropped her phone, shoes and coat somewhere near the door and let herself fall next to Raven. She needed to be careful with her friend; things could trigger Raven, when she was in this state. Thankfully, Clarke was the one who perfectly knew how to deal with her in those situations, and she was silently thanking Anya for showing up on their doorstep; otherwise, she didn’t know if Raven would have called her to help her calm down.

“Hey, Rae” Clarke gently said, putting a hand on Raven’s shoulder, lightly squeezing it. It was what Clarke had always done to her when she was in therapy to learn to walk again, after her leg problems. Clarke knew Raven had associated this touch to her, and that she would react to it.

Indeed, Raven recognised the touch, and slowly turned her head towards the Blonde. A tear rolled down her cheek. “Clarke” Raven whispered, so low Clarke almost missed it.

But Clarke was relieved Raven wasn’t too far gone, and smiled to her. “Yeah, it’s me”.

She properly sat down by Raven’s side, putting a hand on Raven’s forearm. And then, she waited in silence. It was all she needed to do; wait until Raven came back to her, acknowledge her touch and lean into her, making Clarke understood Raven was out of her post –traumatic stress phase.

And a few minutes after, Raven was leaning her whole body against Clarke’s taking the Blonde’s arm in her hands, as to ground herself.

“You’re ok?” Clarke finally asked. She knew that now, they could talk without any danger.

“I don’t know” Raven’s voice shook.

“Anya wasn’t ok, either” Clarke informed her friend. She let Raven take the information in.

“She found out, about my research into Azgeda servers” Raven murmured.

“I know” Clarke gently hummed. “It’s ok. I talked to Lexa about it”.

“Lexa wasn’t mad?” Raven asked.

“A bit, because we did it behind Anya’s back, and behind hers” Clarke truthfully answered. “But she understands why we did it”.

“Anya didn’t” Raven then whispered, her voice hoarse from crying.

“But she will” Clarke gently told her, running her thumb on Raven’s hand, “With time”.

“I’m not so sure” Raven whimpered.

“Rae, this whole thing is new to her” Clarke murmured, “So she doesn’t really understand everything yet, and it’s normal. But she deeply cares about you, you shouldn’t leave her out of things like this”.

“But what if...” Raven started, but Clarke cut her off.

“I know what you are going to say” Clarke gently interrupted her, “But how can you really know if she’s trustworthy if you don’t open up to her?”

Raven let a tiny sob escape her chest, and Clarke took it as a good sign.

“Rae, love is not about protecting yourself” Clarke gently smiled, “It’s about taking risks on a person you really like. You can’t know if it will end badly or not, you can’t know if the other one will break your heart, but at some point you just gotta try and throw yourself into it, you know? Because if you don’t jump, you’ll never how you’ll land. You have to let the walls down...!”  

Raven sniffed, nodding against Clarke’s shoulder. “I know it’s not easy, Rae” Clarke talked again, “But I took that risk with Lexa. And I’m so glad I did. You won’t betray anyone if you let yourself fall, too”.

Raven snuggled into Clarke’s body, and the Blonde put both her arms around her friend to hug her. “I am so grateful for you, Raven” Clarke whispered into Raven’s ear, “And can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done, for me, for the group. But now, it’s your time to live. Fully live. You understand me?”

Raven nodded, hugging Clarke a bit harder. It was all Raven needed and they both knew it; that now, none of them were alone in this shit. That they could start to live again, really live, fully and 24/7, that maybe they all deserved to be happy after all; that maybe, they didn’t have to choose between the ones they loved and their family anymore.